Welcome To My Soul

I got out of bed this morning and I took my usual walk to the men’s room to get ready for the morning and the rest of the day. It’s a routine I have been following both weeks I have been here. I stopped in front of the mirror as I usually do and just stared at the reflection. I have spent a lot of time reading people through their eyes but I don’t think I have ever spent that time reading my own. I thought what I would do today is just take a step back and open up a little more about me, who I am, and how I got to where I am. I don’t like to be guarded about my background, I enjoy being open and honest, even when that honesty comes at my own expense.

All my life I think I have been a bit of an oddball. When you’re deaf, you’re immediately not like the other kids. I think as a result of that you quickly learn to become protective of yourself. I have learned that you will always have friends in life if you love yourself first. Growing up as a kid, as I have posted before, I was treated no differently than any other kid. I think it amazes people when they realize that my parents were no different with me than they would have been with a hearing able kid. I guess the big thing is that I never got to hear my parents yell at me because obviously, they couldn’t do that. However, when you see someone signing some very strong things at you in a very aggressive manner, it is just like being yelled at. ASL is all about visual reading. A lot can be expressed by the facial expressions of the person doing the signing. From those expressions you usually get a great idea around the tone of their conversation. That being said, I was a pretty good kid. I didn’t get into much trouble. I tried really hard to please my parents and not be a bother to them. As you know, I got my share of trouble and as a result, I also got my share of time over a knee. People have asked me if I lost respect for my parent’s cuz they chose to physically discipline. I have always said no to that. I never felt they were bad people for that just as I don’t think they are bad people for what is happening now. They did what they thought was best for me. Now, I sure as hell didn’t like it when it was happening, but I also tried to take it like a champ cuz deep down I knew I was wrong. I was not abused mind you, I mean, they never hit me to the point that I was needing medical attention. There were always limits to how far they would go. The thing I hated more than the actual spanking itself was having to stand in a corner after for a timeout. I don’t know about you, but I don’t think any kid thinks about what they did when they stand there…if there anything like me, they were thinking about how quickly they could get back to having fun again. I know your probably laughing at me thinking about me standing in some corner with ass on fire LOL. I can’t blame you, in hindsight it seems rather funny to me too.

As I got older, my parents started to treat me with a little more respect. My relationships with my friends also evolved. I was probably in my tween years 10-12 when things started getting different with my friends. I think it was that awkward period where you no longer think girls are bad for your health. C’mon boys, you know what I am talking about here. I was different though. I preferred to hang out with the older kids. I never have been too good at associating with people my own age. I don’t know why that is, it just is. I managed though. That’s not to say that I didn’t hang out with the kids my age, I did, and it was fun but I always seemed to like the older crowd more.

As I got into my early teen years all hell broke loose on me. Puberty was not kind to me in the slightest. I got all un-coordinated, I became a total train wreck of a klutz, and it was all I could do to maintain any sort of dignity LOL. At the same time though, I discovered I had some really cool talents. I discovered that I could write, and write well. I write poetry more than anything else. I got good at it and then started writing short stories. I discovered that what my body lacked in hearing, it made up for in creativity. I began to use writing as a creative outlet for all my early teenage awkwardness. It was exactly what I needed at just the right time. I have never really publicly shared much of my writing but I probably will in this blog at some point in time.

I have also always been one who is slow to anger and quick to forgive. I think I get that from my Dad though right about now he is not really showing me that quality like he could be. I try to live my life to the fullest and make other people laugh and smile. I like knowing that I have somehow done something for someone and made a difference. I know how corny that must sound but that’s me. I said I was odd. Is it really odd to enjoy doing things like that for other people…to want to give someone something they may not have. I don’t mean it has to be material, sometimes it’s just a case of being willing to listen. I have always been ridiculed a little for being that way. Some people also think I am naive for being this way. Maybe I am. Some people think I am crazy for being so open about who I am and what makes me tick but I kind of like being open. There are no skeletons in my closet so why not be open. I guess some people will disagree but hey, I have nothing to hide and when I die, I want everyone to know the real me all my working and broken parts, all my ups, downs, and everything in between.

Its funny, I am 19 now and although my early teen years were only a few years ago I feel as though I have matured a lot since then. I think having the implant done and living with the social implications of that decision and then being diagnosed with brain cancer has made me grow up fast. Its funny, my mind feels like its years ahead of itself and yet my body is very much that of a child’s…if you don’t believe me, count the three…yes three…hairs on my chest HAHA! I still, as I have said before, do stupid teenage boy things that I should probably know better but I just can’t help myself.

Now I find myself in my first serious relationship. One I feel very strongly about and once again I find myself having to use maturity beyond my years. I find myself being shunned by some in the deaf community for going CI, I am being shunned by my parents for being Bisexual, and I am battling a Cancer that will likely take my life long before I get to live it fully. You know what though…I wouldn’t have it any other way. I firmly believe that all of this is happening to me because I am meant to do something special with this life. I am not entirely sure what it is yet, but I believe that writing about my experiences and who I am in this blog was one of those things I was meant to do. I am not sad, or mad, or anything. I am at peace, I have said that all along and I have peace in knowing that I am meant for bigger things. I believe that wholeheartedly, I have to.

Caleb walks into the bathroom as I close my eyes and block out the view to my soul. I feel his warm hands wrapped around my bare chest and I feel good inside. He whispers in my ear that breakfast is waiting and I tell him I will be coming soon.
This post is getting long but I wanted to give you a peek inside my soul. It’s not much, but I hope you walk away from this post with a better understanding of who I really am and what I believe I am meant to do. I will do more of these posts if you like them…if you find them interesting. I don’t want to come across as self indulgent. I just want you to know me and if you do, let me know so I know to post one of these now and then.

LiveSTRONG!