I had the chance to watch the Phantom Of The Opera on video tonight. I am so very moved by it all that I need to write, I need to write what I am feeling.
The music in this musical is magical. The songs take you on an emotional roller coaster. From highs to lows to highs again. Although it was a hollywood version, it was amazing. Immediately my mind thought that the Phantom was this bad person who was not to be trusted, that he was evil incarnate but as I listened to his music, when I closed my eyes and let the tone, intonation, the movement and the true meaning and emotion of what he was singing set in, I began to see it all very differently. The Phantom is not some bad guy in the musical. He is actually a tortured musical genius, taunted by the inhabitants of his theatre. All he wants is his dear Christine Dyer to sing for him and sing she does.
My favourite song has to be "Music Of The Night". It grabs hold of you and does not let go. It wraps you in its mood and takes you for a ride. Amazing.
The song left me helpless to the notes that he sings and I loved the feeling of it all. The words felt like they were being spoken directly to me. "Hearing is believing, music is deceiving" how very true is that and yet every word had me taken fully.
I am rambling I know but I can not help myself, the music has impacted me so deeply and I cant shake it. I think I will watch it all again and it will occupy me for the rest of the week I am sure.
I must seem so very stupid for saying all of this about some musical but I cant help it. I love it and it is an excellent distraction for me. "Close your eyes and let music set you free, only then can you belong to me". Amazing. I wish I had the talent that these performers do because I think I would love to play the role if I could. So very dark, so very tortured and yet so very alive.
I am attaching a video of Michael Crawford and Sarah Brightman singing this song. I hope you enjoy it as much as I do.
Thanks for listening as always
LiveSTRONG!
Thursday, December 20, 2007
Tuesday, December 18, 2007
His Name Is Dan
I was walking through the downtown this afternoon, looking in the windows, shopping at a few stores and getting those few last minute things that we all seem to want right before Christmas. Wearing a nice warm Blue Jays coat, a Team Canada hat, and a scarf I made my way to the bus stop. Before stopping at the bus shelter though I was about to make a bee line for the Tim Hortons when I saw him. He was huddled up against a wall, holding tight to himself. His jacket was stained, filthy and torn, his pants were much the same and his gloves were a make shift finger out style. He was unshaven, and rather dirty and in his frost bitten and wind torn hands he held a cardboard sign asking for spare change for food. My heart sank. I felt bad for him and I didn't even know who he was but I was going to find out. I watched for a few minutes as the people rushed by him with their expensive gifts and brand name clothes. They walked right past him, almost afraid to look at him for fear he might dirty them with his eyes. It sickened me that nobody bothered to throw him a nickel at the time of the year where we are supposed to be most helpful.
I made the short walk to the Tim Hortons. I ordered two bowls of chili, two donuts and two large double doubles. With my bag of hot food, donuts and tray of two coffees I headed over to him. I stopped in front of him and said "Hi, my name is Derry, do you mind if I sit here with you?". He looked stunned, I don't think he knew what to say but I heard him say "sure kid, have a seat". I pulled up beside him and took a seat on a small section of his cardboard sheet. I then opened my bad and told him I had a bowl of chili and a donut for him and then handed him the coffee too. He was speechless. For the next 15 mins we ate in silence. He was almost ashamed to eat in front of me. He tried to use manners but sheer hunger got the better of him. I just looked away so as not to embarass him. When he was done I asked his name and he said his name was Dan. I told him that I thought the people who passed by him were cruel for not caring enough to even stop and he said he was used to it.
Over the course of the next hour I learned he had family in Kingston, that he was once a very able carpenter and that he lost his job and then took very sick and never recovered. He was single and had no children and his parents were deceased. He has a sister who wont talk to him and cousins who don't care about him. I told him that I was battling cancer and that I was once deaf. We talked about family, the holiday season and the simple acts of kindness.
When we were done, I shook his hand and told him I would look for him again. He said he would like that. I also told him that I would bring him some Christmas dinner on the 25th if he was still here. I told him I would bring it to him and stay until he finished and that way he could spend Christmas with someone he knew instead of spending it alone in a shelter with other people. He seemed touched by my offer. I left him speechless. I left feeling full in my heart.
Random acts of kindness. The ability to see past the exterior and touch someone who needs it most. Its not the gifts, the wrapping, the commercialism. Its the spirit of the season, and supporting your fellow human beings. Christmas for me is about paying it forward and giving back when you have been given so very much yourself.
His name is Dan, and I wont ever forget that.
LiveSTRONG!
I made the short walk to the Tim Hortons. I ordered two bowls of chili, two donuts and two large double doubles. With my bag of hot food, donuts and tray of two coffees I headed over to him. I stopped in front of him and said "Hi, my name is Derry, do you mind if I sit here with you?". He looked stunned, I don't think he knew what to say but I heard him say "sure kid, have a seat". I pulled up beside him and took a seat on a small section of his cardboard sheet. I then opened my bad and told him I had a bowl of chili and a donut for him and then handed him the coffee too. He was speechless. For the next 15 mins we ate in silence. He was almost ashamed to eat in front of me. He tried to use manners but sheer hunger got the better of him. I just looked away so as not to embarass him. When he was done I asked his name and he said his name was Dan. I told him that I thought the people who passed by him were cruel for not caring enough to even stop and he said he was used to it.
Over the course of the next hour I learned he had family in Kingston, that he was once a very able carpenter and that he lost his job and then took very sick and never recovered. He was single and had no children and his parents were deceased. He has a sister who wont talk to him and cousins who don't care about him. I told him that I was battling cancer and that I was once deaf. We talked about family, the holiday season and the simple acts of kindness.
When we were done, I shook his hand and told him I would look for him again. He said he would like that. I also told him that I would bring him some Christmas dinner on the 25th if he was still here. I told him I would bring it to him and stay until he finished and that way he could spend Christmas with someone he knew instead of spending it alone in a shelter with other people. He seemed touched by my offer. I left him speechless. I left feeling full in my heart.
Random acts of kindness. The ability to see past the exterior and touch someone who needs it most. Its not the gifts, the wrapping, the commercialism. Its the spirit of the season, and supporting your fellow human beings. Christmas for me is about paying it forward and giving back when you have been given so very much yourself.
His name is Dan, and I wont ever forget that.
LiveSTRONG!
Saturday, December 15, 2007
I Wont Lose Faith
I have been waiting for the dust to settle on my emotions before I made this post. As most of you know I went to see a neurosurgeon regarding the tumor on the base of my brain stem. The idea was that it might be removable with a surgery but the surgeon shot that idea down saying that the risk far outweighs the benefits.
Apparently one wrong cut and he could paralyze me or more seriously, sever my brain stem and cause any or all of my major organs to stop functioning which of course would mean killing me.
I give him credit, he was professional about the whole thing and never once gave me any reason to think that I should not be positive about the news regardless of what it meant.
So what does it all mean? Well, now we start another round of chemo (All I want for christmas is my damn hair back) and then more likely radiation strips or discs will be surgically implanted into the tumor to try and kill it. If that works it could be as great as killing the tumor or the less better option of stopping it from progressing further. The worst case scenario is that none of the options works in which case I will likely have no more than 2 years to live and then I will be saying my goodbyes.
I am trying to keep a positive attitude about all of this. I am hoping that the Chemo and the radiation treatment will do what they need to do and put an end to this disease. I am also being realistic though in keeping in mind that the odds are not in my favour for this. The success rate with this is not all that great but that only means that I may be one of the blessed few who have success. For every negative there is an equal and opposite positive!
Whatever happens, I have made peace with my situation. If that means I only have 2 years left then so be it. I am gonna make those the best 2 damn years of my life and I am gonna shoot the moon, do it all, and have a blast. I am going to hear as much as I can, and experience everything I can. At least if I am going to go out, I am going to go out with my hearing. All 5 senses baby!!!
Thinking about this, that also means I may only have 8 more seasons on SIMhl with which to win another Stanley Cup...I guess what happens next will also impact what I do with my team.
Alright, enough of that. Everyone have an awesome night and take care! I am gonna be back in the next few days spending some time talking about my hearing cuz there is no way I am starting Chemo before Christmas!
LiveSTRONG!
Apparently one wrong cut and he could paralyze me or more seriously, sever my brain stem and cause any or all of my major organs to stop functioning which of course would mean killing me.
I give him credit, he was professional about the whole thing and never once gave me any reason to think that I should not be positive about the news regardless of what it meant.
So what does it all mean? Well, now we start another round of chemo (All I want for christmas is my damn hair back) and then more likely radiation strips or discs will be surgically implanted into the tumor to try and kill it. If that works it could be as great as killing the tumor or the less better option of stopping it from progressing further. The worst case scenario is that none of the options works in which case I will likely have no more than 2 years to live and then I will be saying my goodbyes.
I am trying to keep a positive attitude about all of this. I am hoping that the Chemo and the radiation treatment will do what they need to do and put an end to this disease. I am also being realistic though in keeping in mind that the odds are not in my favour for this. The success rate with this is not all that great but that only means that I may be one of the blessed few who have success. For every negative there is an equal and opposite positive!
Whatever happens, I have made peace with my situation. If that means I only have 2 years left then so be it. I am gonna make those the best 2 damn years of my life and I am gonna shoot the moon, do it all, and have a blast. I am going to hear as much as I can, and experience everything I can. At least if I am going to go out, I am going to go out with my hearing. All 5 senses baby!!!
Thinking about this, that also means I may only have 8 more seasons on SIMhl with which to win another Stanley Cup...I guess what happens next will also impact what I do with my team.
Alright, enough of that. Everyone have an awesome night and take care! I am gonna be back in the next few days spending some time talking about my hearing cuz there is no way I am starting Chemo before Christmas!
LiveSTRONG!
Tuesday, December 11, 2007
Let The Music Heal Your Soul
As I am sure everyone knows I am big believer that music has the power to change us, empower us, move us, and most importantly...heal us.
As I continue my journey through the hearing world, and my battle with Cancer, I have found that music has taken a big role in my life. It has made the illogical sensible, the intangible, real. Through a mix of sounds and words, I can feel things I couldn't feel before. I can feel emotions that I could not sense before from sound. I experienced emotion just like anyone else, but never at the hands of anything other than visual stimuli or through touch. Sound has a way of rising and falling, cresting and crashing and its amazing how my emotions rise and fall with the sound. Then I hear words, and the words convey meaning, and the meaning wells up an emotion and the cycle continues.
I mean for this to be a short blog because I am not sure what to make of what I am experiencing yet when I listen to music. So much of it remains so very foreign to me that I don't really know yet how to express it.
What I do know at this point is this...Music can heal you, I believe that. Music can convey a message in a way that neither my hands nor my new found words can.
Today, for this blog, I am picking a song that I want to dedicate to anyone who uses the power of music to heal. Whether terminal or mental or just temporary, sickness can be beaten with music. I believe that.
LiveSTRONG!
As I continue my journey through the hearing world, and my battle with Cancer, I have found that music has taken a big role in my life. It has made the illogical sensible, the intangible, real. Through a mix of sounds and words, I can feel things I couldn't feel before. I can feel emotions that I could not sense before from sound. I experienced emotion just like anyone else, but never at the hands of anything other than visual stimuli or through touch. Sound has a way of rising and falling, cresting and crashing and its amazing how my emotions rise and fall with the sound. Then I hear words, and the words convey meaning, and the meaning wells up an emotion and the cycle continues.
I mean for this to be a short blog because I am not sure what to make of what I am experiencing yet when I listen to music. So much of it remains so very foreign to me that I don't really know yet how to express it.
What I do know at this point is this...Music can heal you, I believe that. Music can convey a message in a way that neither my hands nor my new found words can.
Today, for this blog, I am picking a song that I want to dedicate to anyone who uses the power of music to heal. Whether terminal or mental or just temporary, sickness can be beaten with music. I believe that.
LiveSTRONG!
Saturday, December 8, 2007
Heavier Things
I have spent the last few days trying to focus on the tree cutting we had yesterday. I wanted to block out the things that bother me most so that I don't dwell on them. I wanted to enjoy decorating the tree and spending the night laughing and having fun. Having done that I want to talk about Friday.
I went to see my doctor and he had bad news for me. A routine scan found a mass on the base of my neck on my spinal cord. The test results are not back yet but he believes it is a cancerous tumour that was missed in the initial diagnosis. He said it was easy to miss and given that my symptoms did not lead him to think there was anything more but there is. I am going to see a neurosurgeon in the next few days though the feeling at this point is that it can not be operated on without severe risk of leaving me a quadriplegic. If they do not remove it though, it will kill me. My doctor is guessing that the best course of action will be a procedure that will insert a few little wafer like discs in it that will act like radiation and attempt to kill it. if that does not work, we will then do more Chemo and try to put it in remission. Failing that, I will die. Based on the size of the mass the doctor believes that if it is not stopped, my prognosis could be as little as 1 year to as many as 2-3 years.
I am scared...in a panic and trying to remain positive. I am hoping that the surgeon gives me better news and that if he does not, that the treatment options will work. What choice do I have. if none of it works, I will be dead in 1-3 years time.
I never thought I would be dealing with something like this and I honestly don't know what to do next. I am really scared, terrified and I honestly don't know what to do.
I am rambling, I really should end this now before I lose it. I will find strength in my past experiences...I will find strength in my friends and I will somehow find my way through this.
I am sorry that I sound like a pity party, I just needed to get this out.
Thanks for listening...I hope you like the song I chose for this entry, it just seems to fit
LiveSTRONG!
I went to see my doctor and he had bad news for me. A routine scan found a mass on the base of my neck on my spinal cord. The test results are not back yet but he believes it is a cancerous tumour that was missed in the initial diagnosis. He said it was easy to miss and given that my symptoms did not lead him to think there was anything more but there is. I am going to see a neurosurgeon in the next few days though the feeling at this point is that it can not be operated on without severe risk of leaving me a quadriplegic. If they do not remove it though, it will kill me. My doctor is guessing that the best course of action will be a procedure that will insert a few little wafer like discs in it that will act like radiation and attempt to kill it. if that does not work, we will then do more Chemo and try to put it in remission. Failing that, I will die. Based on the size of the mass the doctor believes that if it is not stopped, my prognosis could be as little as 1 year to as many as 2-3 years.
I am scared...in a panic and trying to remain positive. I am hoping that the surgeon gives me better news and that if he does not, that the treatment options will work. What choice do I have. if none of it works, I will be dead in 1-3 years time.
I never thought I would be dealing with something like this and I honestly don't know what to do next. I am really scared, terrified and I honestly don't know what to do.
I am rambling, I really should end this now before I lose it. I will find strength in my past experiences...I will find strength in my friends and I will somehow find my way through this.
I am sorry that I sound like a pity party, I just needed to get this out.
Thanks for listening...I hope you like the song I chose for this entry, it just seems to fit
LiveSTRONG!
Tis The Season To Be Merry
We went out today and performed the one big holiday tradition we get the most excitement out of. We cut down our Christmas Tree.
For this blog entry, I want to forget about my cancer and focus on this tradition and what it was like for me to go out this time and hear everything. I am still reeling from the whole experience. It was so powerful and I really have to share.
It started this morning when mom made up a big thermos of Hot chocolate. Now, I don't mean the store bought stuff. I mean the real deal. She melts her own chocolate and blends it with sugar and some hot milk and let me tell you, Carnation and Nestle have nothing on my Mom's hot chocolate. From there we got bundled up and hopped in the truck to head out to find our tree. This time though, we put on a holiday CD in the truck. I have never been able to listen to Christmas music in the truck before when heading out to get the tree. I chose a CD I bought recently, Josh Groban's "Noel". Its an amazing CD and I love it.
Listening to Josh do his rendition of the traditional X-mas songs, we made our way out to the country. We don't go to a tree farm for our tree. We go out into the bush and actually look for the one we want. My dad thinks this is better and makes for a more rewarding tree because we actually have to look around and find it.
The drive took about 1/2 hour and we ended up pulling off the road and hopping out. I took a deep breath (like I always do) of pine, clean air and the smell of crisp snowy air. I then took my first few steps into the heavy snow and stopped. The sound was amazing. Have you ever stopped and listened to what it sounds like when you walk through fresh snow. It makes a strange crackling and crunching noise. I took it all in. Mom poured us a cup of Hot Chocolate and we began our walk in.
I listened to several winter squirrels chattering in the bush, a partridge flapped past us, its wings beating out a sound that reminded me of a drum and several birds chirped out various alerts to there brethren that the humans were coming.
It took us about 20 or so mins. but we found our tree. A thick and sturdy scotch pine. My dad got down on the ground and I listened as he sawed the trunk. The scraping, clicking, shooshing sound of the saw cutting through the trunk. The crackle, snap and pop of the last of the trunk giving way to gravity. I was overwhelmed. It was all so exciting and it left me awe struck. So many sounds, so many new sounds.
We tied up the tree to a sled and carted it back to the car where we tied it up and took it home. As we speak it is in its tree stand sucking up water and thawing out. Tonight we will put on a singer called Bing Crosby, sip egg nog and decorate our tree. Only this time, we will all tell stories and share instead of signing stories. I can hardly wait.
Its this time of season that I feel lighter, happier and fuller than I do any other time of year. This season is very special to me. With all that is going on, the excitement of the season and all my new experiences dampen the impact of the things I find myself fighting.
I am a lucky person, I know that, and I will never forget it. This season, think of all you have, all your traditions and all your family. Remember, the real joy of the season comes not in the gifts or trinkets, but in the love and warmth of family and friends.
LiveSTRONG!
For this blog entry, I want to forget about my cancer and focus on this tradition and what it was like for me to go out this time and hear everything. I am still reeling from the whole experience. It was so powerful and I really have to share.
It started this morning when mom made up a big thermos of Hot chocolate. Now, I don't mean the store bought stuff. I mean the real deal. She melts her own chocolate and blends it with sugar and some hot milk and let me tell you, Carnation and Nestle have nothing on my Mom's hot chocolate. From there we got bundled up and hopped in the truck to head out to find our tree. This time though, we put on a holiday CD in the truck. I have never been able to listen to Christmas music in the truck before when heading out to get the tree. I chose a CD I bought recently, Josh Groban's "Noel". Its an amazing CD and I love it.
Listening to Josh do his rendition of the traditional X-mas songs, we made our way out to the country. We don't go to a tree farm for our tree. We go out into the bush and actually look for the one we want. My dad thinks this is better and makes for a more rewarding tree because we actually have to look around and find it.
The drive took about 1/2 hour and we ended up pulling off the road and hopping out. I took a deep breath (like I always do) of pine, clean air and the smell of crisp snowy air. I then took my first few steps into the heavy snow and stopped. The sound was amazing. Have you ever stopped and listened to what it sounds like when you walk through fresh snow. It makes a strange crackling and crunching noise. I took it all in. Mom poured us a cup of Hot Chocolate and we began our walk in.
I listened to several winter squirrels chattering in the bush, a partridge flapped past us, its wings beating out a sound that reminded me of a drum and several birds chirped out various alerts to there brethren that the humans were coming.
It took us about 20 or so mins. but we found our tree. A thick and sturdy scotch pine. My dad got down on the ground and I listened as he sawed the trunk. The scraping, clicking, shooshing sound of the saw cutting through the trunk. The crackle, snap and pop of the last of the trunk giving way to gravity. I was overwhelmed. It was all so exciting and it left me awe struck. So many sounds, so many new sounds.
We tied up the tree to a sled and carted it back to the car where we tied it up and took it home. As we speak it is in its tree stand sucking up water and thawing out. Tonight we will put on a singer called Bing Crosby, sip egg nog and decorate our tree. Only this time, we will all tell stories and share instead of signing stories. I can hardly wait.
Its this time of season that I feel lighter, happier and fuller than I do any other time of year. This season is very special to me. With all that is going on, the excitement of the season and all my new experiences dampen the impact of the things I find myself fighting.
I am a lucky person, I know that, and I will never forget it. This season, think of all you have, all your traditions and all your family. Remember, the real joy of the season comes not in the gifts or trinkets, but in the love and warmth of family and friends.
LiveSTRONG!
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)
