I have spent the last few days trying to focus on the tree cutting we had yesterday. I wanted to block out the things that bother me most so that I don't dwell on them. I wanted to enjoy decorating the tree and spending the night laughing and having fun. Having done that I want to talk about Friday.
I went to see my doctor and he had bad news for me. A routine scan found a mass on the base of my neck on my spinal cord. The test results are not back yet but he believes it is a cancerous tumour that was missed in the initial diagnosis. He said it was easy to miss and given that my symptoms did not lead him to think there was anything more but there is. I am going to see a neurosurgeon in the next few days though the feeling at this point is that it can not be operated on without severe risk of leaving me a quadriplegic. If they do not remove it though, it will kill me. My doctor is guessing that the best course of action will be a procedure that will insert a few little wafer like discs in it that will act like radiation and attempt to kill it. if that does not work, we will then do more Chemo and try to put it in remission. Failing that, I will die. Based on the size of the mass the doctor believes that if it is not stopped, my prognosis could be as little as 1 year to as many as 2-3 years.
I am scared...in a panic and trying to remain positive. I am hoping that the surgeon gives me better news and that if he does not, that the treatment options will work. What choice do I have. if none of it works, I will be dead in 1-3 years time.
I never thought I would be dealing with something like this and I honestly don't know what to do next. I am really scared, terrified and I honestly don't know what to do.
I am rambling, I really should end this now before I lose it. I will find strength in my past experiences...I will find strength in my friends and I will somehow find my way through this.
I am sorry that I sound like a pity party, I just needed to get this out.
Thanks for listening...I hope you like the song I chose for this entry, it just seems to fit
LiveSTRONG!
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4 comments:
yo man, im so sorry this happened. i really hope they can fix this without harm to your body. good luck with this man, i hope you hear good news.
LiveSTRONG
Wishing you the very best with this ordeal. Personally I'm floored by grounded you are by all of this. If it were me, shit, I just don't know...
So many people tell me they cant believe I am so calm about all this. I dunno, I think I just know in my heart that what is meant to be will happen and if that means that I live a shorter life than most than I accept that is what is meant for me. Just as writing this blog may be what I was meant to do, which would not have happened had I not come across Al, whom I would have never met without coming across the SIMhl.
Life is connected to a fate that we can neither see nor feel. All we can do is act.
Amazing, just amazing. For most people this kind of news would be grounds for burying their head in the sand and giving up. You on the other hand look at it as fate, an opportunity, and with a positive outlook. How you remain so calm and grounded astonishes me.
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