Through My Eyes

I woke up this morning and took a long look in the mirror. Its funny, I never use to bother spending much time looking in the mirror, partially because I did not really care about being vain. Lately I spend a lot of time looking.

What I want to do is share with everyone what it is like to experience Chemotherapy or Chemo for short. For those who are going through it or are about to go through it, I want this to be a positive spin on the whole experience. I know that sounds kind of dumb but I believe that all bad things have a flip side if you take the time to find them. Lets begin.

The one thing everyone including me complains about is the nausea. You keep throwing up, and throwing up until you have nothing left to throw up and then you just dry heave. It hurts your chest after a while and your throat starts to burn. Tears come to your eyes as you start to realize that this is just the beginning. Now, the good side to this is, your starting to make progress. Believe it or not, the Nausea only lasts a day or two and it is the first sign that the Chemo is doing what it is supposed to do. I know it sucks that you dont want to eat but you have too. Even if it is just bland food or a liquid diet. Look at the bright side, your only 24 or so hours away from getting past this phase.

Next you will feel tired and run down, you wont really want to get out of bed or do anything. I know that sucks if yer super active like I was but lets look at the bright side. Yer parents cant nag you to mow the lawn, do your laundry or clean your room. You cant get shit for sitting in bed and playing Xbox all day, and you can watch Sportsnet 24/7 if you want and nobody is gonna complain. Now, is it really that bad to be that tired? Dont forget, you can sleep in and blame it on your Chemo :D

Okay so now the shocking part. Yer hair is going to fall out. I have already had this going full blown. Now, instead of sitting back and crying over my hair falling out, I just went and took a pair of clippers to my hair and cut it super short. Now when it falls out it does not look so bad. The good thing is you get out of having to wash your hair every other day and being bald is kinda cool...literally, you try going outside without a hat on LOL.

Look, I know it sucks to have to look in the mirror and see a tired, sick, nauseas, and bald person staring back at you but look at the bright side, yer that much closer to being in remission and I think that is pretty cool dont you?

Look, I cant take your pain away. I cant take your Cancer away. I cant make the pain you feel go away. What I can do is tell you that I know where your at and that I am there too. I can tell you I care about you, even though I dont know you. I can tell you that I am just as scared as you and that we are all in this together. Just do me a favour and the next time your scared and you feel alone in your battle, come to this blog and post whats on your mind and feel free to unload.

The song I have chosen for this blog is special and for anyone who is or has fought this awful disease. We are bound together by common thread and there is strength in numbers.

Brothers and Sisters, we will LiveSTRONG!

The Centre Of My Universe

I got mad today, I posted a remark on the SIMhl site that I never meant to make. I looked at a trade, got angry and just posted, another case of letting my heart control my head. I was tired and feeling sick again and sick of feeling sick. I just wanted to apologize for that cuz it was wrong.

Today I want to talk about the one who makes my world turn. My girlfriend is not deaf, she is hearing able and yet she loved me when I was deaf and the only way I could communicate with her was with my hands. She did not care that I could not speak to her, I could not sing to her, I could not call her on her cell phone or leave her a voicemail. She fell in love with a deaf guy and never left him and now she faces another challenge with me.

When I told her I was going to have my surgery she said she would love me no matter what happened. She said it did not matter if I could hear or not, it only mattered that she could FEEL that I loved her, not that I TOLD her I loved her. As soon as I got the latest round of news I called her and I cried. I told her I was scared, I told her that I was angry at the world and my god for allowing this to happen to me. She was silent for a minute and then told me it didn't matter because no matter what, she would be beside me for all of it.

I guess what I am trying to say in this blog is that you need to value your friends, and your loved ones. Do not allow them to fall away from you. Ask yourself, am I with them for them or with them for me? If your in it for yourself, you miss all the good stuff. My friends are with me because I am in it for them and She is with me because I am in it for her always. I think too many times we take our friends for granted. We assume that they will always be there and that they will always be there for us in return. What we need to remember is that this is not true. When I got my news, they could have up and left, they could have said they were busy and could not be bothered. Instead they came to me and continue to stand by my side.

This blog is dedicated to my girlfriend. The song I have chosen is for her, it really says what I feel for her. When I got my news, I tried to lie about it and tell her everything was fine but I could not, I tried to hide it from her but I could not. I am glad that I told her everything. Honesty is the best policy.

I want this blog, this journey through cancer to be a positive one, I want to impact others, I want to share my story and then go back to sharing my story about being deaf.

Tonight though I want to remind people that life is precious and love is rare, once you find it, never let it go...ever!

"Everyday your telling me, I am the one, who makes you shine"

LiveSTRONG!

An Ordinary Miracle

Hi Everyone...I thought it was time that I took some time out to post another entry.

I don't know if you noticed but I have been adding music videos off of you Youtube on my blog. I am choosing videos from songs that have meaning to me. This installment is no different.

For this blog I have chosen, "Ordinary Miracle" by Sarah McLaughlin. For me, it has a lot of meaning. I have experienced many miracles already. The miracle of being able to hear, the miracle of love, the miracle of support, the miracle of FRIENDSHIP! Now, more than ever, I am experiencing the miracle of courage.

For a while now I have been living in some self pity and it was wrong. I should be thankful that I have been chosen to face the challenge of beating this disease. I have already beat being deaf, this is just one more challenge for me. I don't want to view this as a negative, instead I want to see this as a positive chance to become stronger, and more in touch with what everyday life is really all about. Its not about the money, the material things, the objects we covet. It is about the inner strength to stand up to our darkest moments and fight our way out. As Rascall Flatts said, "I've found you find strength in your moments of weakness". How true is that. Your greatest moments of strength will always come to you at your greatest moments of weakness. I believe that, I have to believe it otherwise everything that is happening to me is for nothing.

I also want to take a moment to thank everyone who reads this blog with special shouts to Al, My other brother Darrell, Zebra Boy, and the whole SIMhl crew who visit here. Your notes have added light to a dark room, and from your words I find the strength to face this challenge. You will never really comprehend just how powerful your words really are.

To my best friends who email me about this blog, thank you. To the centre of my universe, I love you.

In the next few blogs I will be selecting music that I feel speaks to all of you. The first one will be a shout out to my girl, the second will be to the crew on SIMhl and the last one to all my closest friends.

For now I wanna ask that you watch this video and listen to the words. No matter what happens to me, I want you all to remember I told you this..."it's not length of life, but depth of life"

This is my Ordinary Miracle...I WILL LiveSTRONG

Let Me Introduce Myself

Hey everyone!

I am a little tired tonight and I have stuff to post but it is gonna have to wait until another night. Just feeling like total dog shit tonight.

Anyway, I thought I would post some pics of myself so you know what I look like. I know, sounds kinda corny but yeah, thought you should have a face to put with my name.

Everyone be kind about my pics ok?

Aight, here ya go

Episode 4...A New Hope

In my last post I think I may have been a little dramatic. I appologize for that. Thats not like me at all, I guess the shock of the news had not yet set in and so I think I went off a bit. I hope everyone understands. What I want to do now is just get everyone caught up on what has been going on.

Lets get things out in the open, time to get this into the light. My name is David, most of you know me as David, what you don't know is that my real given name is Derry...yes, like Dairy, except spelt Derry. I choose to go by David (my middle name) for personal reasons, not the least of which is to avoid being called "Dairy Queen" LOL. Lets also get out on the table that I have cancer. There I said it, and I find the more I say it, the more I dull the edge of the words, the more it becomes real and the more it becomes something I can really beat. I think that is a big part of it, being able to recognize that you can beat this.

I did some research, Mario Lemieux had this and he beat it so yeah, I can too. Put it into remission and go back to my quasi-normal life HAHA!

Okay, so since I got the diagnosis, I have begun early forms of treatment which have consisted of Chemo. I don't know if anyone who reads this knows how much that stuff kills ya but lemme tell ya, it is harsh. I have been very sick, hard to keep food down, lost some weight, and now I am losing my hair too. They say that is normal though. I just put a hat on and pretend I am normal.

My one escape has been SIMhl. If you dont know what that is check out www.simhl.com For me, it is a chance to live somewhere that is not real, play a game that reminds me that fantasy is safe and it is okay to just escape. The people there are pretty cool, I like them and they tolerate my ranting and bitching so I can't complain.

Anyway, I am going off topic. I am going to do some more Chemo, then they are going to put me on some meds and then monitor me and with any luck, I will be in remission. That is the hope anyway. I guess all I can do in the interim is hope for the best. What more can I really do. What I can tell you is that Christmas will mean a whole lot more to me this season than it has in the past. I think I am enjoying the real reason for Christmas a whole lot more now and for that I am very grateful. I don't think I would be enjoying it like this had I not got sick.

I want to type more but I am tired and feeling nauseas. I know I should write more but I just don't have it in me.



Thats it for today...

LiveSTRONG!

Is That What It Sounds Like...

Many people have asked me lately why I have not been posting to my blog, why have I not been keeping up on the journey from Deaf to hearing. To those who have asked me, your answer is coming. Sometimes lifes journeys take us on a different direction, such is the case with me.

Two weeks ago, I went to the doctor with swollen glands, night sweats, fatigue and a vague itchiness I could not explain. I was sent for blood work and called back the next day. The doctor knew what was wrong and wanted to see me.

I will never forget the sight of him walking in, his white lab coat on, file in hand, and a seriousness I had not seen in a long time. He sat down across from me, put his hand on my shoulder and in seconds changed my life. At that moment I wished I was deaf again but I was not. I told myself it was a dream but it was reality. I listened to him tell me I had Hodgkins disease...or in other terms, cancer of the lymph nodes.

Cancer...me...after all I have been through, how was this fair, how was this right? How could this be?

The good news he tells me is that the cure rate is over 90% and that because I am young, my chances are better still. It did not matter, I have cancer and I had to listen to him tell me. There was no hiding behind signs, no way to block it out. Suddenly, I knew what it was like to have to LISTEN to that kind of news.

For the next few posts I will break from posting on my hearing and take you on my journey to finding remission. A cure if you will. I put on my LiveSTRONG brecelet this morning and put on a brave face. I meet with the Oncologist tomorrow to map out my treatment.

I will listen to him and do what he tells me but this time, at night, I can HEAR myself crying, and the sounds terrifies me.

LiveSTRONG!