Last night well I was sitting in the rec room at the shelter, a program called “Cold Case” was on. This episode was about an unsolved murder of a deaf teenager. It goes without saying that I was extremely interested. What made it so interesting is that huge portions of the show were done in ASL (American Sign Language). For the first time in a long time, I felt like I was in the majority. As I sat there with Caleb, who was reading the sub-titles as the characters signed, I had to laugh. Here I was, able to watch the show without breaking away from the characters well everyone else in the room had to read the subtitles. It was funny cuz during the commercials I would get asked if what they were putting in the sub-titles was true. Of course it was, and I told them that. I felt so very comfortable but I also felt some of the issues that were in the show.
The deaf teen was killed by his best friend because he got a cochlear implant. The same implant that I have. His best friend felt that the other kid was betraying the deaf community and him by becoming hearing abled. As a result, he became extremely jealous and angry because their relationship had changed, and in the end, he killed him for it.
I can sympathize with both sides of this story. When you live a life where you are deaf, you join a society that is really all to itself. I never shunned hearing abled people but I also did not associate with them outside of my family for the most part. I usually stayed within the deaf community. Once I got the implant, some of my relationships with my closest friends changed. When you are deaf you tend to be able to read lips. When I got my ability to hear and speak, some of my best friends who are still deaf, would not read my lips. They would look away or make faces and then give me shit in ASL telling me that I should communicate with them in ASL. It’s hard to sit on both sides of the fence and not really be able to know exactly where your loyalties are. By getting the implant I had kind of sold out to the hearing world for a chance at a better life. If I stayed deaf, I would have been closer to the community and remained a part of that society. It’s a tough decision. It’s really no different than what I a going through right now with my parents. Being bisexual means that I have sold out on the straight community in their eyes. I have gone a road that they don’t find acceptable. When I stopped doing Chemo, I sold out on the medical profession as someone who was giving up. It seems that my whole life I have been faced with decisions that force me to pick sides. It’s not fun for me in the slightest.
There are days when I wish I never got the implant because with hearing comes the fact that you actually hear things you sometimes wish you couldn’t. I use to use my imagination around a lot things, especially around what certain things sounded like. My mind became a force to be reckoned with as I visualized what the sounds were. That’s right, visualized it. Now instead, I hear anger, despair, sadness, and shame. On the flip side I hear happiness, joy, excitement and pride. I guess it was a lot easier when I just read peoples expressions and looked into their eyes. I still do it mind you, looking into peoples eyes and reading them. With the eyes, you can’t lie; they tell the story just like the back cover of a book gives you the storyline.
I guess today’s post was really all about choices and the difficult ones we all have to make. Some have harder ones to make then others but I don’t think they are any less challenging. My decision to leave for another week, my decision to pursue my new lifestyle, my decision to go back to doing chemo and my decision to be hearing enabled. Life is full of choices and you often times never know if you have made the right one until it’s too late.
LiveSTRONG
Monday, March 31, 2008
Sunday, March 30, 2008
Dear Mom & Dad
Dear Mom & Dad
By the time you get home and read this, I will already be long gone.
The last week has been extremely painful for everyone and I am sure it has been most painful for you. I am sure you consider me to be a total disappointment. You wanted a healthy happy Son and instead you got a once deaf cancer ridden bisexual boy. I cant imagine how disappointed you must be.
You also can not begin to understand how hard it is to be me. I want to make you happy, and I want to make you proud but it seems I can not do that. I am so very sorry for that. All I ever wanted was to be happy and have your full support and love.
I know that you need to punish me and I know that means not speaking to me. I accept that, I know I had it coming when I lied to you about where I was and then dropped the bigger bomb on you all at one time.
Since that week I have felt like a total stranger in my own home. From not being welcome at the dinner or breakfast table to being out and out told that I am not welcome at Aunt Sarah's. I have never felt so alone in my own home. If your intention was to make me feel this way, then you have succeeded. I know you are struggling to accept me for who I am and to accept the role Caleb now plays in my life. I am so very sorry for forcing that on you.
I have decided that the best thing for everyone is for me to leave. I have made arrangements to be away for a week to start. I will not be accepting email, text msgs, or phone calls from you during this time. You have spent the last week shutting me out and I am afraid, I need to do the same to you for a while. After the week I will come back and we can try again. If that does not work, I will be making arrangements to leave permanently. You will not be bothered with my existence again.
As I am 19, you will not be able to access my medical information either and so asking the doctor or a hospital about me will not be of any help to you as I will be advising them to treat my situation confidentially which includes shutting you out for the time being.
I am so very sorry it has come to this but I see no other way right now. For the last week I have tried to make nice and be patient but it has gotten me nowhere. Now it is time for me to do something about it.
You can not possibly imagine how hard it has been to go from having such wonderful holiday events together, to this. I wish it could have been different, but it can't be.
To be fair, I have left you my house key. I don't feel that I am entitled to it right now seeing as I don't really feel welcome here.
I wish this could be different, and maybe someday it can be. For now, I need to go. I hope you understand. This is killing me, you have no idea. I wanted whatever time I have left to be happy and to have been filled with wonderful memories of each other. Maybe some day that will be the case...someday.
Love,
Your Son...Derry
By the time you get home and read this, I will already be long gone.
The last week has been extremely painful for everyone and I am sure it has been most painful for you. I am sure you consider me to be a total disappointment. You wanted a healthy happy Son and instead you got a once deaf cancer ridden bisexual boy. I cant imagine how disappointed you must be.
You also can not begin to understand how hard it is to be me. I want to make you happy, and I want to make you proud but it seems I can not do that. I am so very sorry for that. All I ever wanted was to be happy and have your full support and love.
I know that you need to punish me and I know that means not speaking to me. I accept that, I know I had it coming when I lied to you about where I was and then dropped the bigger bomb on you all at one time.
Since that week I have felt like a total stranger in my own home. From not being welcome at the dinner or breakfast table to being out and out told that I am not welcome at Aunt Sarah's. I have never felt so alone in my own home. If your intention was to make me feel this way, then you have succeeded. I know you are struggling to accept me for who I am and to accept the role Caleb now plays in my life. I am so very sorry for forcing that on you.
I have decided that the best thing for everyone is for me to leave. I have made arrangements to be away for a week to start. I will not be accepting email, text msgs, or phone calls from you during this time. You have spent the last week shutting me out and I am afraid, I need to do the same to you for a while. After the week I will come back and we can try again. If that does not work, I will be making arrangements to leave permanently. You will not be bothered with my existence again.
As I am 19, you will not be able to access my medical information either and so asking the doctor or a hospital about me will not be of any help to you as I will be advising them to treat my situation confidentially which includes shutting you out for the time being.
I am so very sorry it has come to this but I see no other way right now. For the last week I have tried to make nice and be patient but it has gotten me nowhere. Now it is time for me to do something about it.
You can not possibly imagine how hard it has been to go from having such wonderful holiday events together, to this. I wish it could have been different, but it can't be.
To be fair, I have left you my house key. I don't feel that I am entitled to it right now seeing as I don't really feel welcome here.
I wish this could be different, and maybe someday it can be. For now, I need to go. I hope you understand. This is killing me, you have no idea. I wanted whatever time I have left to be happy and to have been filled with wonderful memories of each other. Maybe some day that will be the case...someday.
Love,
Your Son...Derry
Saturday, March 29, 2008
Life Is Like A Box Of Chocolates!
I made the decision to go back to doing chemo. Its a big decision folks. If you have never been through it you have no idea and if you have, you will understand why this is such a big deal.
Chemo is a way of killing everything in your system. The problem is that it kills both the good and the bad. As a result, you become prone to getting sick, you get tired, the brutal nausea that leads to massive vomiting, then you start to lose your hair and you lose body fat and muscle tone, you look pale and sickly and you just generally feel like crap and don't want to go out.
The hope is that by going through all that you will also kill all the evil cancer in your system and then begin to recover and go into remisison. That is the ideal situation anyway. The problem is that the ideal does not always happen.
I have made the decision that for the first day of the Chemo I am going to check into the hospital for the night. I want to be somewhere where I can be watched and where I can be all shitty without imposing on anyone else. The next morning I will up and leave and make my way to wherever I am going. Assuming my rents talk to me, it will be home, if they are not talking to me, it will be to the shelter.
I am supposed to be seeing my doc on Tuesday which means I could be doing a round of chemo as early as Wednesday. I can not stress enough how brutal it is to endure, I really wish I didn't have to but Caleb insists that I need to fight the good fight and keep on trucking. I know that many of you feel the same way and have told me as much even though I know you also supported my decision to stop.
I really feel conflicted, in some respects I want to keep on fighting even if it means my quality of life is crap and on the other hand, I don't want to waste what I have of this life being sick and miserable. Caleb argues that by fighting on I likely have more of that life to live and by not fighting I am giving in and cutting my chances way short.
Sometimes life really feels like a high stakes poker game. Do I play the cards I have and pray that the flop, turn, and river cards work in my favour? or do I fold, cut my losses and see what the next hand brings. Tough decision and there is no Daniel N, Chris Moneymaker, or any of those Poker greats to read my hand for me.
As always, I am all ears with you readers. What do you think? I know what Caleb thinks, I know what some of my friends think. Am I making a mistake? Do I go ALL IN? or do I fold?
Forrest Gump got it right, Life IS like a box of chocolates, you never know what your going to get...I just hope I don't get the nut.
LiveSTRONG!
Chemo is a way of killing everything in your system. The problem is that it kills both the good and the bad. As a result, you become prone to getting sick, you get tired, the brutal nausea that leads to massive vomiting, then you start to lose your hair and you lose body fat and muscle tone, you look pale and sickly and you just generally feel like crap and don't want to go out.
The hope is that by going through all that you will also kill all the evil cancer in your system and then begin to recover and go into remisison. That is the ideal situation anyway. The problem is that the ideal does not always happen.
I have made the decision that for the first day of the Chemo I am going to check into the hospital for the night. I want to be somewhere where I can be watched and where I can be all shitty without imposing on anyone else. The next morning I will up and leave and make my way to wherever I am going. Assuming my rents talk to me, it will be home, if they are not talking to me, it will be to the shelter.
I am supposed to be seeing my doc on Tuesday which means I could be doing a round of chemo as early as Wednesday. I can not stress enough how brutal it is to endure, I really wish I didn't have to but Caleb insists that I need to fight the good fight and keep on trucking. I know that many of you feel the same way and have told me as much even though I know you also supported my decision to stop.
I really feel conflicted, in some respects I want to keep on fighting even if it means my quality of life is crap and on the other hand, I don't want to waste what I have of this life being sick and miserable. Caleb argues that by fighting on I likely have more of that life to live and by not fighting I am giving in and cutting my chances way short.
Sometimes life really feels like a high stakes poker game. Do I play the cards I have and pray that the flop, turn, and river cards work in my favour? or do I fold, cut my losses and see what the next hand brings. Tough decision and there is no Daniel N, Chris Moneymaker, or any of those Poker greats to read my hand for me.
As always, I am all ears with you readers. What do you think? I know what Caleb thinks, I know what some of my friends think. Am I making a mistake? Do I go ALL IN? or do I fold?
Forrest Gump got it right, Life IS like a box of chocolates, you never know what your going to get...I just hope I don't get the nut.
LiveSTRONG!
Friday, March 28, 2008
Lights, Camera, Action!
I thought the best thing to do was take a break from all the mayhem and write on a topic that is different and perhaps a little more fun. That is not to say that I wont be back to talk about other things, but for now, I want to talk about the awesome question Al left me with.
As you all know, my favourite movie is, “A Few Good Men”. The dialogue is amazing and the court room scenes are electrifying. What I did not know was just how great they were until I HEARD it. It is one thing to enjoy a movie when you see the subtitles. You get to read the emotions of the actors on their faces, and you get to read along with what they are saying. Unfortunately you miss out on the actual sounds. That’s where it all changes.
When I re-watched that movie having been able to hear, I was amazed. In the opening scene you see a very dressy group of Marines doing rifle drills which are clearly meant for show. I enjoyed the visual the first time, but the second time was special. To hear the clicking of the rifles, the pat-a-pat of the gloved hands snapping into position, the slick clicking and rocking sounds of the rifles being dropped and flipped around. Lastly, the sounds of the crackling of the highly shined boots as they take each step. You can actually hear the leather straining against the foot of the Marine as he goes to take a step. Amazing!
The best was however saved for last. The cocky Daniel Caffee and the abrasive Colonel Jessop going at it in the court room made my skin crawl. When Jessop (Nicholson) breaks into his big speech, his annunciation, the spittle on the edge of his lip, and the masterful way in which he plucks the words out of the air and snaps them back at you reeks of a master wordsmith working his craft like an artisan. We then get the sly Caffee using his lawyer tricks, his oral slight of hand, the polar opposite of Jessop. Jessop is loud, abrasive and overpowering, Caffee is slick, quiet, and unassuming…at least until he demands, “I WANT THE TRUTH”. What a climax to a well crafted scene. You can feel the energy and the on screen chemistry. I think it is perhaps one of the most memorable scenes ever.
The other thing you pick up on is the sounds in the movie. The music, the background sounds etc. All of which seem to be meant to set the mood. From the eerie electric piano to the full drum and brass music at the beginning. It all serves to re-inforce what you are seeing on the big screen. I think a lot of credit needs to be given to the guys who write the music for this stuff cuz its amazing, plain and simple.
It amazing how much you really miss in a movie when you don't hear the music, the sounds, the tone of the voices. If you want to know what it was like to be in my world, turn the volume off, turn on the sub-titles and watch a movie. Then watch it with the sound and tell me you don't get a ton more out of it with the sounds.
All I know is that movies and television in general just have not been the same since I started listening to them, as opposed to just watching. The one thing I will say though is that you don't get to use your imagination nearly as much. Simply, when you cant hear something, you just imagine in your mind, all the things you can't hear. In that sense, watching a movie or a television program was not passive in the slightest.
Thats all for tonight folks...hope you enjoyed this one.
LiveSTRONG!
As you all know, my favourite movie is, “A Few Good Men”. The dialogue is amazing and the court room scenes are electrifying. What I did not know was just how great they were until I HEARD it. It is one thing to enjoy a movie when you see the subtitles. You get to read the emotions of the actors on their faces, and you get to read along with what they are saying. Unfortunately you miss out on the actual sounds. That’s where it all changes.
When I re-watched that movie having been able to hear, I was amazed. In the opening scene you see a very dressy group of Marines doing rifle drills which are clearly meant for show. I enjoyed the visual the first time, but the second time was special. To hear the clicking of the rifles, the pat-a-pat of the gloved hands snapping into position, the slick clicking and rocking sounds of the rifles being dropped and flipped around. Lastly, the sounds of the crackling of the highly shined boots as they take each step. You can actually hear the leather straining against the foot of the Marine as he goes to take a step. Amazing!
The best was however saved for last. The cocky Daniel Caffee and the abrasive Colonel Jessop going at it in the court room made my skin crawl. When Jessop (Nicholson) breaks into his big speech, his annunciation, the spittle on the edge of his lip, and the masterful way in which he plucks the words out of the air and snaps them back at you reeks of a master wordsmith working his craft like an artisan. We then get the sly Caffee using his lawyer tricks, his oral slight of hand, the polar opposite of Jessop. Jessop is loud, abrasive and overpowering, Caffee is slick, quiet, and unassuming…at least until he demands, “I WANT THE TRUTH”. What a climax to a well crafted scene. You can feel the energy and the on screen chemistry. I think it is perhaps one of the most memorable scenes ever.
The other thing you pick up on is the sounds in the movie. The music, the background sounds etc. All of which seem to be meant to set the mood. From the eerie electric piano to the full drum and brass music at the beginning. It all serves to re-inforce what you are seeing on the big screen. I think a lot of credit needs to be given to the guys who write the music for this stuff cuz its amazing, plain and simple.
It amazing how much you really miss in a movie when you don't hear the music, the sounds, the tone of the voices. If you want to know what it was like to be in my world, turn the volume off, turn on the sub-titles and watch a movie. Then watch it with the sound and tell me you don't get a ton more out of it with the sounds.
All I know is that movies and television in general just have not been the same since I started listening to them, as opposed to just watching. The one thing I will say though is that you don't get to use your imagination nearly as much. Simply, when you cant hear something, you just imagine in your mind, all the things you can't hear. In that sense, watching a movie or a television program was not passive in the slightest.
Thats all for tonight folks...hope you enjoyed this one.
LiveSTRONG!
Thursday, March 27, 2008
This, That, And The Other Thing
I had an entry all typed out and ready to be posted and then I changed my mind. I logged onto the SIMhl and had an amazing conversation with a GM in there who helped me see a few things. I thought what I would do is just continue to let my guard down in this blog and tell you a little more about me.
I know over the seasons I have been on the site, people have differing ideas about how old I am. I have never really said how old I am and the conversation with this one GM highlighted that fact. That being said, and at risk of making myself look like an easy mark for trade offers (yeah right), I am going to tell you how old I am. If you have looked at my pics in here you will see that I am not all that old. I am actually 19 years old, though my experiences and all that I have been through make me seem a lot older.
I have been told many times that I act and behave older than I am. I think it is because I have been through a lot in my short life. I think when you face the sort of challenges and obstacles that I have, you grow up really quick. Don't get me wrong though, I still make stupid teenage boy mistakes and I still make dumb teenage boy comments and when I get wound up, I tend to act a little immature as a certain GM in the SIM will tell you.
I also tend to be a very funny guy. I don't usually like to be all serious and uptight. I also don't drink very much because when I drink or get drunk, I tend to become all serious and that is just not me at all. Those of you who know me on the SIM know that I tend to be funny and pretty easy going.
In the end, I just try to be a nice guy whenever I can. I don't usually rip on people, and I don't usually insult or hurt people. When I do, I tend to get upset at myself and then I usually feel really badly to the point that I usually send a note to the person to tell them I never meant to be mean to them. I guess some would say that makes me a bit of a pussy, but I think it makes me a nice guy.
I thought I should also say that I have decided to resume my chemo. I am going back to the doctor next week to make the arrangements. I am not sure that it is going to do me any good but Caleb wants me to fight and so, I am going to fight.
My parents are still not talking to me but Scooter seems to think they will be fine by Friday. I am hoping he is right. I know they have every right to be mad and I accept the punishment that they are giving me but I am still there Son and I need them. I have decided that if they don't start talking to me by the weekend, I am probably going to consider leaving. I can't handle how its making me feel and the reality is, I feel very alone in my own home. I feel invisible and it hurts. I know I hurt them, but I don't think that returning the favour is helpful. I hope I don't have to leave but if I have to then so be it. I know I can survive in a shelter, I have proven that.
The next post will be the movie post I promised. I really need to post something like that as a distraction to everything that is going on. It would probably be for the best anyway so we all have something fun and light to read for a change.
In the interim, I hope my open and honest approach to everything that is going on for me is helpful. I promise though that when/if any sex takes place, I will spare you all the gory details. I will find a classy way to say it happened but I wont force you to vomit in your mouth by sharing the mental pictures.
Lastly, just a thank you to all of you who post such nice things on here. Your friendship, especially now, is so very much appreciated.
LiveSTRONG
I know over the seasons I have been on the site, people have differing ideas about how old I am. I have never really said how old I am and the conversation with this one GM highlighted that fact. That being said, and at risk of making myself look like an easy mark for trade offers (yeah right), I am going to tell you how old I am. If you have looked at my pics in here you will see that I am not all that old. I am actually 19 years old, though my experiences and all that I have been through make me seem a lot older.
I have been told many times that I act and behave older than I am. I think it is because I have been through a lot in my short life. I think when you face the sort of challenges and obstacles that I have, you grow up really quick. Don't get me wrong though, I still make stupid teenage boy mistakes and I still make dumb teenage boy comments and when I get wound up, I tend to act a little immature as a certain GM in the SIM will tell you.
I also tend to be a very funny guy. I don't usually like to be all serious and uptight. I also don't drink very much because when I drink or get drunk, I tend to become all serious and that is just not me at all. Those of you who know me on the SIM know that I tend to be funny and pretty easy going.
In the end, I just try to be a nice guy whenever I can. I don't usually rip on people, and I don't usually insult or hurt people. When I do, I tend to get upset at myself and then I usually feel really badly to the point that I usually send a note to the person to tell them I never meant to be mean to them. I guess some would say that makes me a bit of a pussy, but I think it makes me a nice guy.
I thought I should also say that I have decided to resume my chemo. I am going back to the doctor next week to make the arrangements. I am not sure that it is going to do me any good but Caleb wants me to fight and so, I am going to fight.
My parents are still not talking to me but Scooter seems to think they will be fine by Friday. I am hoping he is right. I know they have every right to be mad and I accept the punishment that they are giving me but I am still there Son and I need them. I have decided that if they don't start talking to me by the weekend, I am probably going to consider leaving. I can't handle how its making me feel and the reality is, I feel very alone in my own home. I feel invisible and it hurts. I know I hurt them, but I don't think that returning the favour is helpful. I hope I don't have to leave but if I have to then so be it. I know I can survive in a shelter, I have proven that.
The next post will be the movie post I promised. I really need to post something like that as a distraction to everything that is going on. It would probably be for the best anyway so we all have something fun and light to read for a change.
In the interim, I hope my open and honest approach to everything that is going on for me is helpful. I promise though that when/if any sex takes place, I will spare you all the gory details. I will find a classy way to say it happened but I wont force you to vomit in your mouth by sharing the mental pictures.
Lastly, just a thank you to all of you who post such nice things on here. Your friendship, especially now, is so very much appreciated.
LiveSTRONG
Wednesday, March 26, 2008
The Long And Winding Road
I am not sure when the rents are going to start talking to me again. It feels like its been forever and yet it has only been a couple of days. I have been reminded that I must have completely shocked them and so I need to give them time to adapt and adjust to what I have dropped on them. I totally respect that and I guess I really have no choice but to wait. All I know is that I am not looking forward to the talking to I am going to get.
I have talked to Caleb about this and he says much the same thing, that I need to be patient and let things settle down. He is somewhat of a professional in this field having been there, done that.
I feel as though I am walking a long and winding road that is leading me somewhere I have never been before. I want my parents to love me and accept me for who I am and yet I just can't seem to get them to talk to me. I have tried signing to them and they out and out ignore me. It hurts but I am sure I have it coming given that I lied about where I was and then just out and out told them about Caleb. I just can't get past this sense of loss that is plaguing me, and yet I totally accept that I had it coming to me. It feels like a monumental loss and I can't seem to find the words to put it in perspective.
I want to be who I am for who I am and not what someone else feels I should be. I just wish I felt loved again.
I don't think I have said this before but I am now hooked on American Idol and have been watching it a lot. There is this one kid, David Archuleta who I think is amazing. I heard him sing the song I am putting in this blog tonight and I just felt it was right. I had never heard it before he sang it so I am kind of attached to his version of it. When I listen to it I think of how weird life can be, and how my whole life seems to be a long and winding road. All of a sudden, everything I know is changing and I am having a hard time keeping up. Thank god for some things keeping me grounded.
I feel as though I am typing mindlessly here and it is only because I am in such a state of flux. I continue to see Caleb nightly well my parents continue to keep ignoring me. Tough combination.
I am being open minded about all this and I am feeling safer and safer with Caleb. I know its moving fast and I know I can't control what is going to happen but I just feel as though he is the one. We click on so many levels and it just feels so very natural when were together. I am not jumping too fast though, sex is not on the agenda at this point and neither he nor I are going to rush that. We have decided that when and if i happens then that is what will be.
I want to give props as well to everyone who reads this and still has respect for me. You may never know how much your kind words mean to this kid from K-W and how very much I need you guys and gals to stick with me on this trip. Its exciting to know that this Blog is of interest to people. I write it for you guys and gals. I try not to hold anything back either, I want you to know me for who I really am regardless of what that means to my reputation. I want you to know the real me like Caleb does, and like my family does.
One thing I can say is, thank god I am too old for a spanking cuz I am sure my parents are mighty pissed at me for this one. I wish they weren't but hey, I have already said that up top.
I hope this entry is not boring everyone, its just that I needed a chance to get my stuff out on the table and see where we go from here. Thanks for lettin me do that.
I owe Al a special entry, he wants to know its like to watch my favourite movies now that I can hear the music and the sounds. I promise my entry tomorrow will deal with that. Its a great question and I wanna answer it
On a funny note, as most of you know, I am learning to speak. I have trouble with pronunciation and Caleb knows this. The other night he gives me a sheet of paper with the words, "I AM SOFA KING WE TODD DID" written on it and he asked me to read it out loud. Now, I am not that great at that kind of thing so by like the 10th time, I finally got it but Caleb was already rolling on the floor laughing...he thought it was hysterical and so did I once I got it.
I have another important announcement to make and this is really important. Tuesday May 13th is LiveSTRONG Day. I want to ask everyone who reads this, to please wear yellow on the 13th of May. It would mean a lot to me if you would and if you would spread the word and help me help the LAF build our Yellow Army! I will be posting more on this as it gets closer but it would mean a lot to me if you would all just put on some yellow and show your support.
Be sure to check out the video...if you can watch David sing and not feel he has talent then I need my hearing checked again 8)
Alright peeps, time for me to be shovin off. I don't know what I am going to do tonight after I am done meeting Caleb. It seems I come home, go to bed, get up, try to get a response from the rents and they just leave. I am in a house full of people and yet I have never in my life felt so very alone.
LiveSTRONG!
I have talked to Caleb about this and he says much the same thing, that I need to be patient and let things settle down. He is somewhat of a professional in this field having been there, done that.
I feel as though I am walking a long and winding road that is leading me somewhere I have never been before. I want my parents to love me and accept me for who I am and yet I just can't seem to get them to talk to me. I have tried signing to them and they out and out ignore me. It hurts but I am sure I have it coming given that I lied about where I was and then just out and out told them about Caleb. I just can't get past this sense of loss that is plaguing me, and yet I totally accept that I had it coming to me. It feels like a monumental loss and I can't seem to find the words to put it in perspective.
I want to be who I am for who I am and not what someone else feels I should be. I just wish I felt loved again.
I don't think I have said this before but I am now hooked on American Idol and have been watching it a lot. There is this one kid, David Archuleta who I think is amazing. I heard him sing the song I am putting in this blog tonight and I just felt it was right. I had never heard it before he sang it so I am kind of attached to his version of it. When I listen to it I think of how weird life can be, and how my whole life seems to be a long and winding road. All of a sudden, everything I know is changing and I am having a hard time keeping up. Thank god for some things keeping me grounded.
I feel as though I am typing mindlessly here and it is only because I am in such a state of flux. I continue to see Caleb nightly well my parents continue to keep ignoring me. Tough combination.
I am being open minded about all this and I am feeling safer and safer with Caleb. I know its moving fast and I know I can't control what is going to happen but I just feel as though he is the one. We click on so many levels and it just feels so very natural when were together. I am not jumping too fast though, sex is not on the agenda at this point and neither he nor I are going to rush that. We have decided that when and if i happens then that is what will be.
I want to give props as well to everyone who reads this and still has respect for me. You may never know how much your kind words mean to this kid from K-W and how very much I need you guys and gals to stick with me on this trip. Its exciting to know that this Blog is of interest to people. I write it for you guys and gals. I try not to hold anything back either, I want you to know me for who I really am regardless of what that means to my reputation. I want you to know the real me like Caleb does, and like my family does.
One thing I can say is, thank god I am too old for a spanking cuz I am sure my parents are mighty pissed at me for this one. I wish they weren't but hey, I have already said that up top.
I hope this entry is not boring everyone, its just that I needed a chance to get my stuff out on the table and see where we go from here. Thanks for lettin me do that.
I owe Al a special entry, he wants to know its like to watch my favourite movies now that I can hear the music and the sounds. I promise my entry tomorrow will deal with that. Its a great question and I wanna answer it
On a funny note, as most of you know, I am learning to speak. I have trouble with pronunciation and Caleb knows this. The other night he gives me a sheet of paper with the words, "I AM SOFA KING WE TODD DID" written on it and he asked me to read it out loud. Now, I am not that great at that kind of thing so by like the 10th time, I finally got it but Caleb was already rolling on the floor laughing...he thought it was hysterical and so did I once I got it.
I have another important announcement to make and this is really important. Tuesday May 13th is LiveSTRONG Day. I want to ask everyone who reads this, to please wear yellow on the 13th of May. It would mean a lot to me if you would and if you would spread the word and help me help the LAF build our Yellow Army! I will be posting more on this as it gets closer but it would mean a lot to me if you would all just put on some yellow and show your support.
Be sure to check out the video...if you can watch David sing and not feel he has talent then I need my hearing checked again 8)
Alright peeps, time for me to be shovin off. I don't know what I am going to do tonight after I am done meeting Caleb. It seems I come home, go to bed, get up, try to get a response from the rents and they just leave. I am in a house full of people and yet I have never in my life felt so very alone.
LiveSTRONG!
Tuesday, March 25, 2008
7 Days In Retrospect And A New Beginning
I woke up this morning and things were back to normal. There was no Caleb at the bottom of my bed and breakfast was not waiting for me in the kitchen. No T.J. and no Jewel to talk to or play cards with. Indeed, life is back to normal.
I want to use this space to touch on the last week. I have just wrapped up 7 days in a youth shelter for homeless youth. I arrived there open minded, unsure, and confident in whom I was. I left there open minded, enriched, fulfilled, and in a relationship. It was the best 7 days I have ever spent doing something.
When you arrive at a place like that you never really know what you’re going to find. What I learned is that my stereotypes and pre-conceived ideas were out to lunch. Just because someone is a recovering heroin addict does not mean that they can’t be a good person. Just because someone has come from an abusive home does not mean that can’t feel love. I think that is where I stumbled. I had to break my own stereotypes and once I accomplished that, I saw things in a new light.
It’s like wearing a pair of glasses with the wrong prescription. You can see, but things are blurry and distorted. Over the course of the first few days, the prescription changed and I was able to make things out in detail and the images went from being blurry and funny looking, to crisp and beautiful. That is not to say it was all roses. It was not, the fight in the kitchen was evidence of that. But for me that was an isolated incident and to be honest, I did not see a lot of hostility. I think when you decide to go to a place like this; you are ultimately making a decision to change yourself. You can’t stay unless you’re willing to contribute, attend classes, and adhere to a curfew. It’s very structured and in that sense I think it is structure that is what these youth are looking for. The fact that they seek it out makes me believe that they want to be in a better position. They don’t want to be on the street anymore. Their courage humbles me.
As the week wore on, feelings I never thought I had were kindled. I met a guy, I developed feelings for him, and my life changed again. Suddenly, I was feeling alive again, my cancer was not on my mind as much and the world seemed right. For Caleb, he found someone willing to accept him for who he is. Acceptance and unconditional love are two things that we look for. A friend reminded me of this (Thanks Jer) and I think that is why Caleb and I work so well together. We both have issues/baggage and yet we both find ourselves willing to look past that and make it work. Unconditional love and acceptance.
As the week came to a close I began to see these people in a new way. I was open and willing to give unconditional love to those who needed it more than anyone else. I was feeling full in my heart. I felt as though I may have made a small difference and although I found it hard to believe, I was constantly reminded of how great it was that was I there. It was as if I was some kind of celebrity though I never wanted to be one. I wanted to come in quietly, observe, give hope and love and leave again. What I got instead was all that ten fold and then…I got it back in return.
I leave there with hope. Hope that the world can be a better place if we all just try to do our part. I leave there with love, the love of friends and a new relationship. I leave there with peace, the peace of mind of knowing that I am a better person for giving up my creature comforts and going where many of us shudder to think about going. Lastly, I leave there fulfilled, fulfilled knowing that I am a good person. I am a person you can rely on and someone who will love you for who you are no matter what.
My week there was good, I learned a lot, and I would do it all again in a heartbeat. Lastly, I left there with a big challenge. The challenge of returning home and telling my parents that their son is a bisexual and has found unconditional love with another guy.
Last night I sat down with my parents and with Caleb waiting for me at Tim Hortons, I told them the truth, in full, without editing. I was not sure what I would get back for a response and it was exactly what I expected. Stunned silence, disbelief and then they both got up and walked away. When I asked if we could talk, they said they had nothing to say at this point and needed time to think. It crushed me, and was the hardest thing I have ever done in my life. They would not talk to me this morning and I am not sure when they will. They know about Caleb, I won’t hide him from them; I can’t do that to him. All I can do now is wait, and hope that my experience at the shelter is not a foundation on which I will be building more experiences anytime soon.
LiveSTRONG!
I want to use this space to touch on the last week. I have just wrapped up 7 days in a youth shelter for homeless youth. I arrived there open minded, unsure, and confident in whom I was. I left there open minded, enriched, fulfilled, and in a relationship. It was the best 7 days I have ever spent doing something.
When you arrive at a place like that you never really know what you’re going to find. What I learned is that my stereotypes and pre-conceived ideas were out to lunch. Just because someone is a recovering heroin addict does not mean that they can’t be a good person. Just because someone has come from an abusive home does not mean that can’t feel love. I think that is where I stumbled. I had to break my own stereotypes and once I accomplished that, I saw things in a new light.
It’s like wearing a pair of glasses with the wrong prescription. You can see, but things are blurry and distorted. Over the course of the first few days, the prescription changed and I was able to make things out in detail and the images went from being blurry and funny looking, to crisp and beautiful. That is not to say it was all roses. It was not, the fight in the kitchen was evidence of that. But for me that was an isolated incident and to be honest, I did not see a lot of hostility. I think when you decide to go to a place like this; you are ultimately making a decision to change yourself. You can’t stay unless you’re willing to contribute, attend classes, and adhere to a curfew. It’s very structured and in that sense I think it is structure that is what these youth are looking for. The fact that they seek it out makes me believe that they want to be in a better position. They don’t want to be on the street anymore. Their courage humbles me.
As the week wore on, feelings I never thought I had were kindled. I met a guy, I developed feelings for him, and my life changed again. Suddenly, I was feeling alive again, my cancer was not on my mind as much and the world seemed right. For Caleb, he found someone willing to accept him for who he is. Acceptance and unconditional love are two things that we look for. A friend reminded me of this (Thanks Jer) and I think that is why Caleb and I work so well together. We both have issues/baggage and yet we both find ourselves willing to look past that and make it work. Unconditional love and acceptance.
As the week came to a close I began to see these people in a new way. I was open and willing to give unconditional love to those who needed it more than anyone else. I was feeling full in my heart. I felt as though I may have made a small difference and although I found it hard to believe, I was constantly reminded of how great it was that was I there. It was as if I was some kind of celebrity though I never wanted to be one. I wanted to come in quietly, observe, give hope and love and leave again. What I got instead was all that ten fold and then…I got it back in return.
I leave there with hope. Hope that the world can be a better place if we all just try to do our part. I leave there with love, the love of friends and a new relationship. I leave there with peace, the peace of mind of knowing that I am a better person for giving up my creature comforts and going where many of us shudder to think about going. Lastly, I leave there fulfilled, fulfilled knowing that I am a good person. I am a person you can rely on and someone who will love you for who you are no matter what.
My week there was good, I learned a lot, and I would do it all again in a heartbeat. Lastly, I left there with a big challenge. The challenge of returning home and telling my parents that their son is a bisexual and has found unconditional love with another guy.
Last night I sat down with my parents and with Caleb waiting for me at Tim Hortons, I told them the truth, in full, without editing. I was not sure what I would get back for a response and it was exactly what I expected. Stunned silence, disbelief and then they both got up and walked away. When I asked if we could talk, they said they had nothing to say at this point and needed time to think. It crushed me, and was the hardest thing I have ever done in my life. They would not talk to me this morning and I am not sure when they will. They know about Caleb, I won’t hide him from them; I can’t do that to him. All I can do now is wait, and hope that my experience at the shelter is not a foundation on which I will be building more experiences anytime soon.
LiveSTRONG!
Monday, March 24, 2008
Day 7 At The Shelter
Its Sunday morning and I wake up to the fact that I have only one more night of sleeping here before I return home to my own bed. I am anxious about that. I have become very comfortable waking up to Caleb and his smile. It’s going to be tough to adjust to not seeing him in the morning.
It’s Easter and the mood in the shelter is a mixture of somber and upbeat. Some are happy, others are sad as yet another holiday comes along. I try to be positive but the feelings of anxiety are tough to put down. Caleb almost senses this and puts his arm around me and tells me this is not the end of the road, it’s simply the beginning of a new adventure.
Breakfast comes and goes in a blur and all I can think about is getting out to our local coffee spot and sitting down to coffee alone with him.
We do just that. I sit there, sipping coffee, talking mindlessly and staring into his penetrating eyes. He looks calm, happy, and totally at peace. He tells me that with me he has found someone who truly seems to care. I tell him I feel the same for him. He feels he can trust me and I feel the same for him. We talk about the ground rules for our new relationship. I make it clear that I am not ready to “do it” yet and that I want to take it slow. He nods calmly and explains that he is not ready either. He speaks about his past experiences around sex and how they have been very bad and hard on him. He has come from a broken home where he was badly used and abused. He knows this makes him damaged goods and he knows that many will view him as clingy and maybe trying to take advantage. His honesty is one of his best qualities and I know that he is much better than he gives himself credit for.
We sit there for several hours again just talking and learning about each other. It’s amazing how much you can hear when you stop talking and start listening.
As the time rolls by and the conversation continues I truly begin to feel that I have found the one. Something about him just seems right, just FEELS right.
We eventually make our way back to the shelter as the dinner hour gets closer and closer. I try to remain positive over dinner but my emotions continue to chew away at me and make it more difficult than it should be.
Having finished dinner, we retire to the rec room to meet with T.J, and Jewel to play some cards and relax for the rest of the night. We chat, and reflect on the last week. We spend most of the time talking about how I tripped into this place and met them. They can’t fully understand why a guy like me would want to spend time with people like them and when I explain it to them; they just shake their heads in total disbelief. I don’t think they fully comprehend why a kid with Cancer would care so much about them. They tell me that having me here this last week has been a great gift. Jewel gives me a big hug and tells me that my courage is unbelievable and that she is going to kick my ass if I don’t keep in touch with her.
As the night winds down I begin to reflect on the week I spent here. I try to think about how I am going to summarize it in my blog. I drop myself on the couch and Caleb settles in beside me. I he puts his head back on my chest and I sit there with him in total silence, just enjoying the moment.
As we get ready for bed, we do as we usually do and I wrap my arms around him, giving him a big hug and a long kiss goodnight. I don’t want to let him go and yet I know this is not the end, it’s just the beginning.
As I drift off into sleep I think about tomorrow morning…and suddenly I am not so afraid.
Monday comes around and I wake up to find Caleb sitting on my bed. It’s a tough morning knowing that I am going to have to pack up and leave. I move quickly knowing that I am going to get very emotional. I pack up my bags and he helps me. He is packing up too as he gets ready to move to his new shelter for the week. I confirm the cell number and he does mine. We agree to meet tonight for a coffee and keep it going from there. I am not one for a long goodbye and knowing that I won’t wake up to him sitting there next morning is breaking my heart. I find Jewel and T.J. and wish them the best. Walking to the front door I give Caleb a huge hug and kiss and tell him I will see him tonight. Suddenly I don’t feel so sad…it’s only a matter of hours until I see him and from there we will see where it takes us.
Walking out the door I think back on the week that has been and I begin to think about what my summary blog entry will look like. The experience has been overwhelming on so many fronts. There is so much that I could not compact into these posts that I will try to cover in my summary post. My stay has been life altering for many reasons and for the first time in my life, I feel complete, alive and as though I am ready to take on the world at large.
I have scratched off one more item on my bucket list, and yet I am not ready to kick the bucket in the slightest…I have found new reasons for living and live I will.
LiveSTRONG!
It’s Easter and the mood in the shelter is a mixture of somber and upbeat. Some are happy, others are sad as yet another holiday comes along. I try to be positive but the feelings of anxiety are tough to put down. Caleb almost senses this and puts his arm around me and tells me this is not the end of the road, it’s simply the beginning of a new adventure.
Breakfast comes and goes in a blur and all I can think about is getting out to our local coffee spot and sitting down to coffee alone with him.
We do just that. I sit there, sipping coffee, talking mindlessly and staring into his penetrating eyes. He looks calm, happy, and totally at peace. He tells me that with me he has found someone who truly seems to care. I tell him I feel the same for him. He feels he can trust me and I feel the same for him. We talk about the ground rules for our new relationship. I make it clear that I am not ready to “do it” yet and that I want to take it slow. He nods calmly and explains that he is not ready either. He speaks about his past experiences around sex and how they have been very bad and hard on him. He has come from a broken home where he was badly used and abused. He knows this makes him damaged goods and he knows that many will view him as clingy and maybe trying to take advantage. His honesty is one of his best qualities and I know that he is much better than he gives himself credit for.
We sit there for several hours again just talking and learning about each other. It’s amazing how much you can hear when you stop talking and start listening.
As the time rolls by and the conversation continues I truly begin to feel that I have found the one. Something about him just seems right, just FEELS right.
We eventually make our way back to the shelter as the dinner hour gets closer and closer. I try to remain positive over dinner but my emotions continue to chew away at me and make it more difficult than it should be.
Having finished dinner, we retire to the rec room to meet with T.J, and Jewel to play some cards and relax for the rest of the night. We chat, and reflect on the last week. We spend most of the time talking about how I tripped into this place and met them. They can’t fully understand why a guy like me would want to spend time with people like them and when I explain it to them; they just shake their heads in total disbelief. I don’t think they fully comprehend why a kid with Cancer would care so much about them. They tell me that having me here this last week has been a great gift. Jewel gives me a big hug and tells me that my courage is unbelievable and that she is going to kick my ass if I don’t keep in touch with her.
As the night winds down I begin to reflect on the week I spent here. I try to think about how I am going to summarize it in my blog. I drop myself on the couch and Caleb settles in beside me. I he puts his head back on my chest and I sit there with him in total silence, just enjoying the moment.
As we get ready for bed, we do as we usually do and I wrap my arms around him, giving him a big hug and a long kiss goodnight. I don’t want to let him go and yet I know this is not the end, it’s just the beginning.
As I drift off into sleep I think about tomorrow morning…and suddenly I am not so afraid.
Monday comes around and I wake up to find Caleb sitting on my bed. It’s a tough morning knowing that I am going to have to pack up and leave. I move quickly knowing that I am going to get very emotional. I pack up my bags and he helps me. He is packing up too as he gets ready to move to his new shelter for the week. I confirm the cell number and he does mine. We agree to meet tonight for a coffee and keep it going from there. I am not one for a long goodbye and knowing that I won’t wake up to him sitting there next morning is breaking my heart. I find Jewel and T.J. and wish them the best. Walking to the front door I give Caleb a huge hug and kiss and tell him I will see him tonight. Suddenly I don’t feel so sad…it’s only a matter of hours until I see him and from there we will see where it takes us.
Walking out the door I think back on the week that has been and I begin to think about what my summary blog entry will look like. The experience has been overwhelming on so many fronts. There is so much that I could not compact into these posts that I will try to cover in my summary post. My stay has been life altering for many reasons and for the first time in my life, I feel complete, alive and as though I am ready to take on the world at large.
I have scratched off one more item on my bucket list, and yet I am not ready to kick the bucket in the slightest…I have found new reasons for living and live I will.
LiveSTRONG!
Sunday, March 23, 2008
Day 6 At The Shelter
Its Saturday morning and my week at the shelter is quickly coming to a close. Only Sunday and then I will be leaving Monday morning.
I wake up this morning to my normal routine, Caleb sitting there, hand on my head, running his fingers through my hair with a big smile on his face. I find myself getting more and more comfortable with this situation and it feels good to have that comfort. Caleb also seems to be in a different head space. He seems happier, more settled and it feels good inside to know that I may have played a role in that measure of happiness.
We get ready and head to breakfast. Nothing eventful to report there, just the usual faces, the usual conversations, and the usual selection. With it being a Saturday the guests have the option to do what they please. Most will stay here and relax but a few will head out and see what job opportunities might be out there, even on a Saturday.
Caleb and I opt to go out and get some fresh air. We get outside and start walking a few blocks. We start side by side but that quickly changes to having his arm around my neck. I am fine with this even as the people passing by give us funny looks well others just smile politely. Some seem tolerant and others seem disgusted. Thus is the dilemma I now find myself facing.
We stop at our new hangout, a Tim's. We each order a coffee and spend the next few hours talking. We talk about each others lives, what we are currently doing, what we want to do. We feel like ancient friends sitting there. Inevitably we talk about what the future holds for us. The fact that I feel there is a future is something new for me. We agree to keep seeing each other once I leave. He has my cell phone number and I have his and we have each others emails. We will continue to meet more than likely at night or during the day when that is possible. We will spend weekends together too. It feels good having this conversation and I feel something inside of me telling me that its right.
I sit back and take a long look into his eyes, I am searching them, looking for some sign that this is real. I see no reason not to think it is and so I change the conversation to how I am going to explain this to my family. We challenge each other back and forth with pro and con arguments and settle on waiting to see if this is what we both want before saying anything to them. I think that its best though I have never done anything like that before. I am sure my parents would be shocked but having seen all they have seen with me I want to believe they will be tolerant.
The conversation lags a little as we sip our second coffee. He looks unsure of himself and so I prompt him to tell me what is wrong. He is afraid to ask me something so I encourage him to tell me. With a deep breath he asks me if I have ever "Done It" before. I think I turned a million shades of red and tell him honestly that I have not. He's not worried about me never having done it, he is worried that I will judge him because he has done it. I tell him that I dont judge and he should know that about me by now. He flashes that special smile and I know were going to be ok. I tell him that I am not in a rush too though. I explain my wish to lose my virginity to the one who makes me shine. I explain that the one who makes me shine is the one who will bring out the best in me and make me a better person for being with them...someone who captures my heart and soul. He smiles again and tells me that there is no pressure with him and that if it happens it happens. I agree and with that we get up and get ready to leave.
The remainder of the afternoon is uneventful, we sit in the rec room, play cards, I check my hockey lines, post to the blog, and get ready for dinner.
We spend the evening in the rec room, curled up on a couch again, his head resting on my chest, my hands on his chest, this time I can feel HIS heart beating. My hormones kick up and he makes a smart remark which makes me turn too many shades of red.
I can't explain the feeling of total peace I find when I am with him. I forget about my cancer, the fact that I am likely going to die. When I am with him I feel a sense of safety and completeness I haven't found anywhere else. I sit there listening to his breathing and I feel like I have found the one.
We finally make our way to bed. I usually get my hug before I change but I do things differently tonight. I sleep in my boxers and this time I wait till he is the same and then go and hug him. I want to feel his chest against mine. Hes warm, and totally willing. He hugs me and I let my hands run up and down his back. I kiss him deeply and come fully to grips with the fact that I am in all likelihood, a bisexual. Letting him go, we look at each other knowing this could easily be so much more but we both know its not right, not now anyway.
I lay in bed and reach over and take his hand, I stare into his eyes until i can no longer keep mine open and I drift off into sleep.
My world has changed so completely and so fully that I can barely believe it myself. In my heart I feel I have found the one who makes me shine.
LiveSTRONG!
I wake up this morning to my normal routine, Caleb sitting there, hand on my head, running his fingers through my hair with a big smile on his face. I find myself getting more and more comfortable with this situation and it feels good to have that comfort. Caleb also seems to be in a different head space. He seems happier, more settled and it feels good inside to know that I may have played a role in that measure of happiness.
We get ready and head to breakfast. Nothing eventful to report there, just the usual faces, the usual conversations, and the usual selection. With it being a Saturday the guests have the option to do what they please. Most will stay here and relax but a few will head out and see what job opportunities might be out there, even on a Saturday.
Caleb and I opt to go out and get some fresh air. We get outside and start walking a few blocks. We start side by side but that quickly changes to having his arm around my neck. I am fine with this even as the people passing by give us funny looks well others just smile politely. Some seem tolerant and others seem disgusted. Thus is the dilemma I now find myself facing.
We stop at our new hangout, a Tim's. We each order a coffee and spend the next few hours talking. We talk about each others lives, what we are currently doing, what we want to do. We feel like ancient friends sitting there. Inevitably we talk about what the future holds for us. The fact that I feel there is a future is something new for me. We agree to keep seeing each other once I leave. He has my cell phone number and I have his and we have each others emails. We will continue to meet more than likely at night or during the day when that is possible. We will spend weekends together too. It feels good having this conversation and I feel something inside of me telling me that its right.
I sit back and take a long look into his eyes, I am searching them, looking for some sign that this is real. I see no reason not to think it is and so I change the conversation to how I am going to explain this to my family. We challenge each other back and forth with pro and con arguments and settle on waiting to see if this is what we both want before saying anything to them. I think that its best though I have never done anything like that before. I am sure my parents would be shocked but having seen all they have seen with me I want to believe they will be tolerant.
The conversation lags a little as we sip our second coffee. He looks unsure of himself and so I prompt him to tell me what is wrong. He is afraid to ask me something so I encourage him to tell me. With a deep breath he asks me if I have ever "Done It" before. I think I turned a million shades of red and tell him honestly that I have not. He's not worried about me never having done it, he is worried that I will judge him because he has done it. I tell him that I dont judge and he should know that about me by now. He flashes that special smile and I know were going to be ok. I tell him that I am not in a rush too though. I explain my wish to lose my virginity to the one who makes me shine. I explain that the one who makes me shine is the one who will bring out the best in me and make me a better person for being with them...someone who captures my heart and soul. He smiles again and tells me that there is no pressure with him and that if it happens it happens. I agree and with that we get up and get ready to leave.
The remainder of the afternoon is uneventful, we sit in the rec room, play cards, I check my hockey lines, post to the blog, and get ready for dinner.
We spend the evening in the rec room, curled up on a couch again, his head resting on my chest, my hands on his chest, this time I can feel HIS heart beating. My hormones kick up and he makes a smart remark which makes me turn too many shades of red.
I can't explain the feeling of total peace I find when I am with him. I forget about my cancer, the fact that I am likely going to die. When I am with him I feel a sense of safety and completeness I haven't found anywhere else. I sit there listening to his breathing and I feel like I have found the one.
We finally make our way to bed. I usually get my hug before I change but I do things differently tonight. I sleep in my boxers and this time I wait till he is the same and then go and hug him. I want to feel his chest against mine. Hes warm, and totally willing. He hugs me and I let my hands run up and down his back. I kiss him deeply and come fully to grips with the fact that I am in all likelihood, a bisexual. Letting him go, we look at each other knowing this could easily be so much more but we both know its not right, not now anyway.
I lay in bed and reach over and take his hand, I stare into his eyes until i can no longer keep mine open and I drift off into sleep.
My world has changed so completely and so fully that I can barely believe it myself. In my heart I feel I have found the one who makes me shine.
LiveSTRONG!
Saturday, March 22, 2008
Day 5 At The Shelter
I don't really remember when it was that I fell asleep. I was doing so much thinking and the whole movie of the events of that night kept rolling through my head. I kept pausing at the part where Caleb told me what he was feeling towards me and then the kiss he laid on me. It was weird...I have never kissed a guy before and have never been kissed by a guy before so it was all so very odd to me and yet, it didn't freak me out in the slightest. I remember him putting his hands on my face, leaning in, and the gentle manner in which his lips connected with mine. The way I allowed it to happen and continue....thats it, I allowed it to continue and I think that is where I am stuck. I could have pulled away and I didn't. I could have fought him and I didn't, I could have completely stopped him cold and...I...didn't. God forbid, I think I may have actually reciprocated. All I keep thinking about is that this was not some innocent little peck on the cheek, he full on kissed me and I think I may have been kissing him back. Do you see my dilemma here? My over analysis is making me crazy...and somewhere at that point I fell asleep.
I woke up once again to Caleb sitting on the edge of my bed. He was just sitting there watching me and I actually felt safe with him sitting there. We got ready for breakfast and with it being Good Friday, neither of us had anywhere to be so we had the full day together.
Having finished breakfast we decided to go out and just walk the downtown. We opted to go for a coffee and sit at a Tim's and just talk. We talked about the other night, we talked about what it meant, and we talked about what Caleb said to me. He explained that he felt something for me when I came in the door that first night and from there he has become more attached to me. I told him that I felt a deep connection to him and that I wanted to continue to see him. Somewhere between the first and third cup of coffee I think I finally realized that I am feeling something for him that I have never really felt for someone else. I am not yet willing to say that I am Bi or Gay or anything like that nor am I willing to say that I love him. What I am willing to say is that I feel SOMETHING for him and only the next few days will say for sure just what it is.
We left Tim's and made our way back to the shelter. It was cold out and neither of us wanted to stay out too long. Once we got back we headed to the kitchen to help with prep. There is something special about domestic work in a kitchen. I find it strangely appealing, almost relaxing. It was also a little nerve racking given that I had returned to the scene of my first real fight. Nonetheless, I made it through without having to hit anyone.
Through the rest of the day we played cards, we watched TV and we just chillaxed like we didn't have a care in the world. It was the kind of day you just take in and enjoy.
By dinner we were sufficiently eased into our new reality that we actually started joking a little about the other night with me making wise cracks about how he slobers like a wet dog when he kisses. It didn't feel weird and it was surely very funny.
After Dinner we returned to the rec room and watched TV. We sat there and I got brave and put my arm around him. He leaned into me, and I could feel his head resting on my chest. It made me tingle and no matter how much I may have wanted to get up to do something, I could not risk the embarassment that would have fallen on me.
We sat there in total bliss and the only thing I think he said for about an hour was, "I can hear your heart beating". His short blonde hair felt so very soft on my hands and I am sure I put him to sleep at one point though he denies it.
Later on that night we headed to the computer room and I took him to the SIMhl with me and the blog site. I ran into Al on the SIMhl and explained to Caleb who Al was and some of the others on there.
We stayed long enough that we got told they wanted to close down the room and so we left.
We headed to bed and got ready to crash. Just before I went to lay down, I got my hug from him and as he went to let go, I lost all reality, did something completely out of character for me, leaned in and kissed him goodnight. I have no idea what I was thinking but for some reason it just felt right. Needless to say he returned my gesture willingly and my hormones once again got the better of me which led to a few sarcastic remarks from him. When I let him go I just stared at him and wished him a good night. I laid down in the bed and the last thing I heard was "Thanks Derry, I really needed that"
The room went black and I think I slept deeper than I have all week...it was as if the world was perfect for just once in my life.
LiveSTRONG!
I woke up once again to Caleb sitting on the edge of my bed. He was just sitting there watching me and I actually felt safe with him sitting there. We got ready for breakfast and with it being Good Friday, neither of us had anywhere to be so we had the full day together.
Having finished breakfast we decided to go out and just walk the downtown. We opted to go for a coffee and sit at a Tim's and just talk. We talked about the other night, we talked about what it meant, and we talked about what Caleb said to me. He explained that he felt something for me when I came in the door that first night and from there he has become more attached to me. I told him that I felt a deep connection to him and that I wanted to continue to see him. Somewhere between the first and third cup of coffee I think I finally realized that I am feeling something for him that I have never really felt for someone else. I am not yet willing to say that I am Bi or Gay or anything like that nor am I willing to say that I love him. What I am willing to say is that I feel SOMETHING for him and only the next few days will say for sure just what it is.
We left Tim's and made our way back to the shelter. It was cold out and neither of us wanted to stay out too long. Once we got back we headed to the kitchen to help with prep. There is something special about domestic work in a kitchen. I find it strangely appealing, almost relaxing. It was also a little nerve racking given that I had returned to the scene of my first real fight. Nonetheless, I made it through without having to hit anyone.
Through the rest of the day we played cards, we watched TV and we just chillaxed like we didn't have a care in the world. It was the kind of day you just take in and enjoy.
By dinner we were sufficiently eased into our new reality that we actually started joking a little about the other night with me making wise cracks about how he slobers like a wet dog when he kisses. It didn't feel weird and it was surely very funny.
After Dinner we returned to the rec room and watched TV. We sat there and I got brave and put my arm around him. He leaned into me, and I could feel his head resting on my chest. It made me tingle and no matter how much I may have wanted to get up to do something, I could not risk the embarassment that would have fallen on me.
We sat there in total bliss and the only thing I think he said for about an hour was, "I can hear your heart beating". His short blonde hair felt so very soft on my hands and I am sure I put him to sleep at one point though he denies it.
Later on that night we headed to the computer room and I took him to the SIMhl with me and the blog site. I ran into Al on the SIMhl and explained to Caleb who Al was and some of the others on there.
We stayed long enough that we got told they wanted to close down the room and so we left.
We headed to bed and got ready to crash. Just before I went to lay down, I got my hug from him and as he went to let go, I lost all reality, did something completely out of character for me, leaned in and kissed him goodnight. I have no idea what I was thinking but for some reason it just felt right. Needless to say he returned my gesture willingly and my hormones once again got the better of me which led to a few sarcastic remarks from him. When I let him go I just stared at him and wished him a good night. I laid down in the bed and the last thing I heard was "Thanks Derry, I really needed that"
The room went black and I think I slept deeper than I have all week...it was as if the world was perfect for just once in my life.
LiveSTRONG!
Friday, March 21, 2008
Day 4 At The Shelter
Its Thursday morning and I wake up this morning and Caleb is nowhere to be found. I feel disoriented, out of place and a wave of anxiety and nausea rushes over me. I feel as though the walls are closing in around me and my bearings are out of whack. I go to get out of bed and it hits me....
My eyes open and there is Caleb in his usual place, frowning, almost worried. Apparently I was dreaming and as he put it, "Talking Chinese". Dreams are funny sometimes but this one just felt so real. I try to explain it to him and he tries to make me feel better. He tells me its just a case of him being too damn cool for me. I laugh with him and he gives me a hug, tells me not to worry, everything is going to be just great.
Breakfast is the usual and from there he heads out to his class. I have started to learn that what they talk about in this class is coping strategies, self esteem, life skills, and other things that recovering addicts need to keep themselves from becoming addicted again. I am extremely proud of him. He is not your typical recovering addict. He actually wants to get better and he is doing his damndest to make that happen. Its impressive and I cant help but feel great for him.
Today I need to decide what I want to do with my day. There is a class on job searching, resume writing, interviewing, etc that is running today and I decide that this is a good class for me to take. I may never get to use half of what I learn in this class but I want to learn it anyway on the off chance I live long enough to make a serious job search.
The class is full and there is a wide variety of people in there. Its interesting to watch everyone and see them trying to change their lives. The power of the human spirit is alive and well and very much present in this room. Through the day people share what they want to do, share their anxieties, successes and failures in finding a job. Everyone is supportive and many of them chime in to share words of encouragement. It feels like a huge safety net in here. In the end I walk away with some great life skills and I think I am a better person for it.
The evening sees me hook up with Caleb and company and we all have dinner together. Its nice...we sit and joke, talk about what we did for the day and talk about what is going on around us. Its intimate but safe and I like it. I get asked lots of questions about what it was like to be deaf, how that changed and how I am now coping in the hearing world. I get asked what it was like to be able to hear. I tell them all about it and they seem genuinely interested. They ask about my Cancer and how I can remain so positive. They want to know why I would want to spend so much time in a place like this with people like them. I pause and look at them and tell them because I wanted to make a difference for someone who was in their position and I turn to Caleb and tell him that I wanted to find just one person and establish a deeper connection. Its amazing, I find myself totally at ease and the conversation is flowing naturally,
Its almost 10 PM and Caleb excuses himself and asks me to join him. We head outside as he tells me he wants to go for a walk tonight. We walk along the street in the cool night air and its as if we have known each other forever. I had no idea what was about to happen although deep down I probably should have seen it coming. We stop a few blocks away and turn down the street. We stop again and Caleb looks at me with those soulful eyes, and he tells me that there is something he really needs to say. I am not sure what to expect though somehow I almost know what is coming. Without missing a beat he tells me he thinks he is falling for me and has no idea what to do about it, hes scared about how I am going to feel hearing that from him. Before I even get a chance to respond, he grabs a hold of me and kisses me.
At this point I have no idea what to do or what is happening. I felt as though I was in some kind of dream state, not really connected to reality anymore. I am frozen, not sure how to respond and as he lets me go and backs up I stare at him completely lost in a crashing wave of emotions. He looks scared, almost thinking that I might deck him or something. Still unsure of myself I look at him and all I could muster was, "Wow, ok, well I am not sure what to say to that".
I wont go into the details of our conversation though I will say that we talked, a lot, and walked, a lot. I am not sure what I am feeling right now. I am very confused by where my head is at and I told him that. He respected my uncertainty with what just happened and with that we stopped at a Tim Hortons and had a coffee before heading back to the shelter.
As is our usual custom, and one that wont be changed by a series of unusual events, he hugged me and he crashed. I laid awake, thinking, thinking, and then thinking again before I lost track of my thinking and nodded off.
I know that anyone reading this will probably think I am crazy for not out and out telling him to F-Off or something stronger. I didn't, I couldn't, and I am not even sure I wanted to. I have lived my short life in complete tolerance and acceptance of everything around me. I wont pass judgement on anyone, even when they do something like that. I look at what happened as an experience...something I had never done before. The funny thing is, I am not sure I didn't like it. What I do know is that everything I thought I knew about myself is now in a whirlwind. I need to centre myself and yet I can't get the experience or Caleb out of my mind.
I also know that there will be those who will now have lost all respect for me. I accept that. I can't force you to think well of me and I wont try to. I started this blog as an open environment to post on my experiences. I accept your judgement, whether positive or negative and if by my actions you can no longer accept me for who I am, I still respect you and still love you as a fellow human being.
I want to live out the life I have been handed with an open mind and heart. I came to this place looking to share love with those who needed it most and somehow, in some strange way, I ended up on the receiving end.
I don't know what tomorrow will bring but I do know that my eyes are wide open, and my heart is too.
LiveSTRONG!
My eyes open and there is Caleb in his usual place, frowning, almost worried. Apparently I was dreaming and as he put it, "Talking Chinese". Dreams are funny sometimes but this one just felt so real. I try to explain it to him and he tries to make me feel better. He tells me its just a case of him being too damn cool for me. I laugh with him and he gives me a hug, tells me not to worry, everything is going to be just great.
Breakfast is the usual and from there he heads out to his class. I have started to learn that what they talk about in this class is coping strategies, self esteem, life skills, and other things that recovering addicts need to keep themselves from becoming addicted again. I am extremely proud of him. He is not your typical recovering addict. He actually wants to get better and he is doing his damndest to make that happen. Its impressive and I cant help but feel great for him.
Today I need to decide what I want to do with my day. There is a class on job searching, resume writing, interviewing, etc that is running today and I decide that this is a good class for me to take. I may never get to use half of what I learn in this class but I want to learn it anyway on the off chance I live long enough to make a serious job search.
The class is full and there is a wide variety of people in there. Its interesting to watch everyone and see them trying to change their lives. The power of the human spirit is alive and well and very much present in this room. Through the day people share what they want to do, share their anxieties, successes and failures in finding a job. Everyone is supportive and many of them chime in to share words of encouragement. It feels like a huge safety net in here. In the end I walk away with some great life skills and I think I am a better person for it.
The evening sees me hook up with Caleb and company and we all have dinner together. Its nice...we sit and joke, talk about what we did for the day and talk about what is going on around us. Its intimate but safe and I like it. I get asked lots of questions about what it was like to be deaf, how that changed and how I am now coping in the hearing world. I get asked what it was like to be able to hear. I tell them all about it and they seem genuinely interested. They ask about my Cancer and how I can remain so positive. They want to know why I would want to spend so much time in a place like this with people like them. I pause and look at them and tell them because I wanted to make a difference for someone who was in their position and I turn to Caleb and tell him that I wanted to find just one person and establish a deeper connection. Its amazing, I find myself totally at ease and the conversation is flowing naturally,
Its almost 10 PM and Caleb excuses himself and asks me to join him. We head outside as he tells me he wants to go for a walk tonight. We walk along the street in the cool night air and its as if we have known each other forever. I had no idea what was about to happen although deep down I probably should have seen it coming. We stop a few blocks away and turn down the street. We stop again and Caleb looks at me with those soulful eyes, and he tells me that there is something he really needs to say. I am not sure what to expect though somehow I almost know what is coming. Without missing a beat he tells me he thinks he is falling for me and has no idea what to do about it, hes scared about how I am going to feel hearing that from him. Before I even get a chance to respond, he grabs a hold of me and kisses me.
At this point I have no idea what to do or what is happening. I felt as though I was in some kind of dream state, not really connected to reality anymore. I am frozen, not sure how to respond and as he lets me go and backs up I stare at him completely lost in a crashing wave of emotions. He looks scared, almost thinking that I might deck him or something. Still unsure of myself I look at him and all I could muster was, "Wow, ok, well I am not sure what to say to that".
I wont go into the details of our conversation though I will say that we talked, a lot, and walked, a lot. I am not sure what I am feeling right now. I am very confused by where my head is at and I told him that. He respected my uncertainty with what just happened and with that we stopped at a Tim Hortons and had a coffee before heading back to the shelter.
As is our usual custom, and one that wont be changed by a series of unusual events, he hugged me and he crashed. I laid awake, thinking, thinking, and then thinking again before I lost track of my thinking and nodded off.
I know that anyone reading this will probably think I am crazy for not out and out telling him to F-Off or something stronger. I didn't, I couldn't, and I am not even sure I wanted to. I have lived my short life in complete tolerance and acceptance of everything around me. I wont pass judgement on anyone, even when they do something like that. I look at what happened as an experience...something I had never done before. The funny thing is, I am not sure I didn't like it. What I do know is that everything I thought I knew about myself is now in a whirlwind. I need to centre myself and yet I can't get the experience or Caleb out of my mind.
I also know that there will be those who will now have lost all respect for me. I accept that. I can't force you to think well of me and I wont try to. I started this blog as an open environment to post on my experiences. I accept your judgement, whether positive or negative and if by my actions you can no longer accept me for who I am, I still respect you and still love you as a fellow human being.
I want to live out the life I have been handed with an open mind and heart. I came to this place looking to share love with those who needed it most and somehow, in some strange way, I ended up on the receiving end.
I don't know what tomorrow will bring but I do know that my eyes are wide open, and my heart is too.
LiveSTRONG!
Thursday, March 20, 2008
Day 3 At The Shelter
Someimes I feel as though I am a broken record when I do a series like this because so many of the things that you do in a place like this are all about routines. I think it is meant to build a sense of stability into the persons life. Something that was likely sorely missing up until that point in time. And so begins day 3 at my temporary home.
I woke up this morning and there was Caleb, sitting in a chair right beside me, half dressed but waiting for me to greet the morning. As my vision came around and I got my bearings his smile once again greeted me. For the first time, I did not wake up feeling a sense of panic. I felt calm, relaxed, and I think I got the best night sleep yet.
As is the usual thing for Caleb and I, we got dressed, and ready for breakfast. Nothing special to report on the breakfast front as things are pretty much the same there day by day.
Over breakfast Caleb told me that he did not have his course today and that we has no kitchen duty. Apparently it is customary for the residents to help in the kitchen for prep-work. Kind of like working for your food and shelter. He asked if I wanted to help and I of course said yes.
We spent the whole day prepping lunch and dinner. We even helped with lunch and dinner service. It was not all roses though. During the course of lunch prep, two other residents got into a verbal confrontation and it got really heated. Caleb jumped in and suggested everyone just go out for a smoke and cool off and I agreed. Well that was all it took. The one guy just popped and went off the deep end taking a lunge at the first guy. He got knocked backwards and slammed into Caleb sending all three of them to the gound. Not wanting to see my friend get hurt, I jumped in and pulled the one guy off of Caleb and tried to separate the two of them but they had none of that. By this point the kitchen staff were on the phone to the police and T.J was coming clear across the kitchen to cover my back. The first guy took a swing at me for intervening me but I was a little farther away then he expected. Having missed, I cold cocked him in the mouth and sent him reeling. By this point things were at fever pitch in the kitchen and pots and pans were crashing, people yelling, and all hell breaking loose. Having been punched and the second guy recognizing he had an opportunity, he football tackled the first guy to the floor. I felt a rough tug on my collar and it was T.J. grabbing me by the collar to keep me out of it. It felt like seconds but really went about 10 minutes. When it was all said and done, the Cops took names and we were all warned to cool it or we would be booted. The guy who started it got kicked out and that was it for him.
Having made it through my first big fight, I decided to spend the remainder of the evening in the rec room with Jewel, Caleb, and T.J.. The three of them joked about how I got into my first big fight and how funny it was to see me that wound up. Caleb put his arm around me and said, “don’t be messin with my bodyguard” and I just laughed at him.
We spent most of the night just watching T.V. and chatting. T.J. and Jewel sat together and Caleb and I sat on another couch but we were all kind of angled so we could all see each other and talk and watch the tube. I am at a bit of a crossroads now though. I am going to open up more than I usually which is to say that I am going to say a little bit more about what I am feeling as opposed to just glossing over it and saying nothing. It may cost me some opinions on who I am but then I also feel I need to be who I am, for who I am, regardless of what anyone thinks of me. There is no secret to the fact that Caleb and I are getting close. Our friendship is growing and although it could be said that I am being played or whatever, I am just not feeling that from him. I think he really is who he is, and he is trying so very hard to be a better person. I also know that Caleb is Bi and that he has the ability to get close to other guys and not let that be an issue. Some people could take him hugging me and vice versa before we crash as being something more. Others would say that we spend a lot of time together and perhaps we spend too much time together. What I know is that when we spend time together, I feel really good. When he hugs me before we crash, it feels good. When I wake up and he is sitting there smiling at me, I feel warm. Last night when we sat on the couch in the rec room and we just watched TV and talked with T.J. and Jewel, it felt good. I am not sure what to make of what I am feeling though. I know I feel a close connection to him and he feels the same with me. I never expected this to happen when I started this. I thought I would get close to someone or a few people and I would end up just showing them that someone cared. I had no idea that in doing so, I would also find myself on the receiving end of that same emotion. I guess what I am trying to say is that my emotions and my feelings are out of whack at the moment. I dont really fully understand what I am feeling or why I am feeling it. What I do know is that I really like hanging with him and I think our friendship will extend outside this place.
Okay, enough, I am starting to ramble and losing my train of thought here.
By the end of the night I did what I usually do, I headed to the kitchen, got a cup of coffee, and finished up for the night. From there I made my way to my bed, got my hug from Caleb and crashed.
Tomorrow will be another day and I will have yet another chance to make a difference. I just hope it does not mean that I need to throw another punch. I feel badly for that, I am not a fighter. Never have been and when I hit that guy, everything changed. I can not take back what I did. I can only try not to do it again in the future.
One last thing, please dont judge me for my actions...I never meant to hurt anyone.
LiveSTRONG!
I woke up this morning and there was Caleb, sitting in a chair right beside me, half dressed but waiting for me to greet the morning. As my vision came around and I got my bearings his smile once again greeted me. For the first time, I did not wake up feeling a sense of panic. I felt calm, relaxed, and I think I got the best night sleep yet.
As is the usual thing for Caleb and I, we got dressed, and ready for breakfast. Nothing special to report on the breakfast front as things are pretty much the same there day by day.
Over breakfast Caleb told me that he did not have his course today and that we has no kitchen duty. Apparently it is customary for the residents to help in the kitchen for prep-work. Kind of like working for your food and shelter. He asked if I wanted to help and I of course said yes.
We spent the whole day prepping lunch and dinner. We even helped with lunch and dinner service. It was not all roses though. During the course of lunch prep, two other residents got into a verbal confrontation and it got really heated. Caleb jumped in and suggested everyone just go out for a smoke and cool off and I agreed. Well that was all it took. The one guy just popped and went off the deep end taking a lunge at the first guy. He got knocked backwards and slammed into Caleb sending all three of them to the gound. Not wanting to see my friend get hurt, I jumped in and pulled the one guy off of Caleb and tried to separate the two of them but they had none of that. By this point the kitchen staff were on the phone to the police and T.J was coming clear across the kitchen to cover my back. The first guy took a swing at me for intervening me but I was a little farther away then he expected. Having missed, I cold cocked him in the mouth and sent him reeling. By this point things were at fever pitch in the kitchen and pots and pans were crashing, people yelling, and all hell breaking loose. Having been punched and the second guy recognizing he had an opportunity, he football tackled the first guy to the floor. I felt a rough tug on my collar and it was T.J. grabbing me by the collar to keep me out of it. It felt like seconds but really went about 10 minutes. When it was all said and done, the Cops took names and we were all warned to cool it or we would be booted. The guy who started it got kicked out and that was it for him.
Having made it through my first big fight, I decided to spend the remainder of the evening in the rec room with Jewel, Caleb, and T.J.. The three of them joked about how I got into my first big fight and how funny it was to see me that wound up. Caleb put his arm around me and said, “don’t be messin with my bodyguard” and I just laughed at him.
We spent most of the night just watching T.V. and chatting. T.J. and Jewel sat together and Caleb and I sat on another couch but we were all kind of angled so we could all see each other and talk and watch the tube. I am at a bit of a crossroads now though. I am going to open up more than I usually which is to say that I am going to say a little bit more about what I am feeling as opposed to just glossing over it and saying nothing. It may cost me some opinions on who I am but then I also feel I need to be who I am, for who I am, regardless of what anyone thinks of me. There is no secret to the fact that Caleb and I are getting close. Our friendship is growing and although it could be said that I am being played or whatever, I am just not feeling that from him. I think he really is who he is, and he is trying so very hard to be a better person. I also know that Caleb is Bi and that he has the ability to get close to other guys and not let that be an issue. Some people could take him hugging me and vice versa before we crash as being something more. Others would say that we spend a lot of time together and perhaps we spend too much time together. What I know is that when we spend time together, I feel really good. When he hugs me before we crash, it feels good. When I wake up and he is sitting there smiling at me, I feel warm. Last night when we sat on the couch in the rec room and we just watched TV and talked with T.J. and Jewel, it felt good. I am not sure what to make of what I am feeling though. I know I feel a close connection to him and he feels the same with me. I never expected this to happen when I started this. I thought I would get close to someone or a few people and I would end up just showing them that someone cared. I had no idea that in doing so, I would also find myself on the receiving end of that same emotion. I guess what I am trying to say is that my emotions and my feelings are out of whack at the moment. I dont really fully understand what I am feeling or why I am feeling it. What I do know is that I really like hanging with him and I think our friendship will extend outside this place.
Okay, enough, I am starting to ramble and losing my train of thought here.
By the end of the night I did what I usually do, I headed to the kitchen, got a cup of coffee, and finished up for the night. From there I made my way to my bed, got my hug from Caleb and crashed.
Tomorrow will be another day and I will have yet another chance to make a difference. I just hope it does not mean that I need to throw another punch. I feel badly for that, I am not a fighter. Never have been and when I hit that guy, everything changed. I can not take back what I did. I can only try not to do it again in the future.
One last thing, please dont judge me for my actions...I never meant to hurt anyone.
LiveSTRONG!
Wednesday, March 19, 2008
Day 2 At The Shelter
Day 2 at the shelter is in the books and I continue to learn new things about what it is to not have the luxuries I have in life. Let me give you the run down on the day.
My morning started as it usually does, I opened my eyes to Caleb and a big smile telling me I needed to get my butt in gear so we could go to breakfast. I lifted myself out of bed, stretching my stiff back and tried to make sense out of my surroundings. I have been having dreamless sleep since I got here. Not sure if it is just a side effect of my new surroundings or if it is something else.
Breakfast was the usual selection, you could have cold cereal, eggs and bacon or oatmeal. There was toast, juice and coffee too. The food is not what I am used too but it is not as bad as I initially expected it to be. The good news is that it is hot and good for me so what more could I ask for.
I had my choice of things to do during the day today so I opted to go to a full day class on healthy living and choices. I learned about why I should choose to avoid drugs, prostitution, petty theft, and other illegal things. I also learned that finding a stable home environment and learning to cook and fend for myself was paramount. I also learned that getting educated and finding meaningful work would be good for me. All in all, I took a lot away from that class. I wanted to spend the day with Caleb but he goes to a program for recovering addicts and it is not open to anyone else. I am really happy for him, he genuinely seems to want to turn his life around which I think is a great thing.
By dinner time I had met up with my buddy and he introduced me to some of his friends. T.J, Jewel, and Marcus. The 4 of them and I spent most of the evening playing cards and talking. We talked about each others situation, how we got to where we are now and what we are planning to do to get things back on track. They listened to my story about how I was once deaf and how I was now battling Cancer. The cool thing is that they do not pity me. They don’t judge either and I don’t judge them. Am I being scammed, played or whatever you wanna call it? I don’t know. Maybe. But I try to think that their friendship is genuine. They seem like really nice people who simply found themselves in bad situations. T.J’s mother is a prostitute who refuses to acknowledge he is alive. Jewel comes from a household of drunks who like to beat on her and Marcus is another recovering heroin addict.
I admire their strength and their willingness to accept that they need to take action and do something about their situations. I think it takes tremendous courage to step up and do something. They no longer want to be victims of their circumstances and I find that encouraging. It gives me the strength I need to fight the good fight.
By the end of the night I had 3 more friends and we were all laughing, and sharing. I like to think I brought some sense of normal to the table. I also like to think that I brought love and a genuine desire to help.
It was probably closer to midnight before Caleb and I went to bed. As is our new custom, he gave me a hug and wished me a good night. I did the same for him. I don’t know that I can explain it but something just feels different when I spend time with him and when he hugs me. I don’t know how to explain it, its not something I have felt before and yet it feels so very natural to me. Maybe I will understand as time goes by but for now, I will just go with it.
Until tomorrow…
LiveSTRONG!
My morning started as it usually does, I opened my eyes to Caleb and a big smile telling me I needed to get my butt in gear so we could go to breakfast. I lifted myself out of bed, stretching my stiff back and tried to make sense out of my surroundings. I have been having dreamless sleep since I got here. Not sure if it is just a side effect of my new surroundings or if it is something else.
Breakfast was the usual selection, you could have cold cereal, eggs and bacon or oatmeal. There was toast, juice and coffee too. The food is not what I am used too but it is not as bad as I initially expected it to be. The good news is that it is hot and good for me so what more could I ask for.
I had my choice of things to do during the day today so I opted to go to a full day class on healthy living and choices. I learned about why I should choose to avoid drugs, prostitution, petty theft, and other illegal things. I also learned that finding a stable home environment and learning to cook and fend for myself was paramount. I also learned that getting educated and finding meaningful work would be good for me. All in all, I took a lot away from that class. I wanted to spend the day with Caleb but he goes to a program for recovering addicts and it is not open to anyone else. I am really happy for him, he genuinely seems to want to turn his life around which I think is a great thing.
By dinner time I had met up with my buddy and he introduced me to some of his friends. T.J, Jewel, and Marcus. The 4 of them and I spent most of the evening playing cards and talking. We talked about each others situation, how we got to where we are now and what we are planning to do to get things back on track. They listened to my story about how I was once deaf and how I was now battling Cancer. The cool thing is that they do not pity me. They don’t judge either and I don’t judge them. Am I being scammed, played or whatever you wanna call it? I don’t know. Maybe. But I try to think that their friendship is genuine. They seem like really nice people who simply found themselves in bad situations. T.J’s mother is a prostitute who refuses to acknowledge he is alive. Jewel comes from a household of drunks who like to beat on her and Marcus is another recovering heroin addict.
I admire their strength and their willingness to accept that they need to take action and do something about their situations. I think it takes tremendous courage to step up and do something. They no longer want to be victims of their circumstances and I find that encouraging. It gives me the strength I need to fight the good fight.
By the end of the night I had 3 more friends and we were all laughing, and sharing. I like to think I brought some sense of normal to the table. I also like to think that I brought love and a genuine desire to help.
It was probably closer to midnight before Caleb and I went to bed. As is our new custom, he gave me a hug and wished me a good night. I did the same for him. I don’t know that I can explain it but something just feels different when I spend time with him and when he hugs me. I don’t know how to explain it, its not something I have felt before and yet it feels so very natural to me. Maybe I will understand as time goes by but for now, I will just go with it.
Until tomorrow…
LiveSTRONG!
Monday, March 17, 2008
Day 1 At The Shelter
Day 1 is quickly coming to a close. We have some evening programs that run in the evening apparently but the most of the day is now over. I will review what my day was like.
I arrived at the shelter last night and made my way to the admin desk. I was handed an intake form where I was asked a whole variety of questions around my situation ranging from drug use to criminal history. It was a laundry list of questions I have never been asked before.
Once I completed the form I was told I could stay for one week at which point I would need to move to another shelter. I said I would be fine with just the week. I was given a tour of the modest facility. There was a sleeping area, a ward of sorts, a minor medical room, admin offices, an entertainment room, washrooms with showers, and a dining hall. The decor was stark, almost clinical. There was little warmth to the place.
As I had missed dinner I was told I could relax in the rec lounge or find myself a bed and make it my own. I decided that I should find a bed. As I looked around the room that people sleep in, I noticed that many of the residents had already picked out a place to sleep. I settled into a bed close to the door and close to the corner thinking it would have me close to an exit and leaving no one behind me.
I made my way to the rec room from there. That is where I met him. His name is Caleb and he is 17 years old, he is about 5'10 and probably no more than 150 pounds soaking wet. His dirty blonde hair and grey eyes make him look meek and beaten down, there is a tremendous amount of pain and suffering in his soul. I can feel it. He is a very nice young bisexual who is recovering from a heroin addiction. His mother used to beat on him and his father figured he was best served as a sex toy to his sicko ideas...we hit it off immediately. Never in my life did I think that a former heroin addict and myself could find common ground but we did.
He talked about how he got here, that he was hoping to one day go back to school and make something of himself, that he had dreams just like any other kid and that he was going to do everything he could to make something of himself in spite of his parents. He had left home at 14, and was living on the streets for the most part and then bouncing between shelters. He talked about how the system is not designed to help people like him out. Then it happened, the one thing I was most worried about...he asked me what I was doing there. My heart jumped and I told him I could not and would not lie to him. I told him I was doing something I had put on my bucket list and so the story went.
He sat there in silence as I told him my story in 5 minutes or less. He just sat there, silent, listening, absorbing, and taking in what I had to say as though my situation was suddenly more important than his own. When I finished, he leaned over and hugged me. I could feel his ribs against my chest and I just shuddered, took a deep breath and tried to keep my composure. How could this young man be so attached to me in such a short time. When he let me go he said he would help me get used to things around here.
We made our way to the dining hall and we sat and had coffee. I think he was being friendly but in all honesty, I think he did it to be normal again, whatever normal is anyway. He had a friend, someone he could relate to and someone who was not there to judge him.
That night he set up shop beside my bed, hugged me again, and we crashed side by side.
By 8 AM the lights came on and whatever dream was washing through my brain quickly disappeared as I opened my eyes and looked at Caleb. With a big smile he looked at me and told me it was time to go get breakfast.
Breakfast is not much to look at, Oatmeal, juice, toast and a few other things to make sure you get a balanced morning. From breakfast you are expected to head to either work placement, schooling or some form, a treatment program or some other positive activity. Since I had nowhere to go I opted to spend the day in the shelter and take in a drug awareness class. Caleb was off to a day long program from recovering addicts and said he would see me for dinner.
I had no idea there were so many narcotics out there and with so many crazy names. All I know is, I dont do drugs and after todays class, I dont intend to either.
I spent the balance of the day outdoors, walking the downtown and just doing what someone who does not have a home would do.
I returned for Dinner, met up with Caleb and we sat and had a hearty beef stew, bread, and carrot cake for desert. We talked about what he did that day and I told him about my day. We continued chatting and getting closer. I am feeling a special bond with him...a feeling I have not felt before, and its nice.
So now here I am, sitting in the computer room where you can access the net though we are monitored to make sure we are not accessing anything illegal etc.
Tonight Caleb is going to introduce me to some of the other people he hangs with and we are going to spend the rest of the night as a group.
I think I found that special someone I was meant to get close to and help...at least I hope I did. Its funny, a heroin addict and a cancer kid meet in a homeless shelter. It sounds like the set-up to a really bad joke and yet the joke is, it feels like home.
Till Tomorrow!
LiveSTRONG!
I arrived at the shelter last night and made my way to the admin desk. I was handed an intake form where I was asked a whole variety of questions around my situation ranging from drug use to criminal history. It was a laundry list of questions I have never been asked before.
Once I completed the form I was told I could stay for one week at which point I would need to move to another shelter. I said I would be fine with just the week. I was given a tour of the modest facility. There was a sleeping area, a ward of sorts, a minor medical room, admin offices, an entertainment room, washrooms with showers, and a dining hall. The decor was stark, almost clinical. There was little warmth to the place.
As I had missed dinner I was told I could relax in the rec lounge or find myself a bed and make it my own. I decided that I should find a bed. As I looked around the room that people sleep in, I noticed that many of the residents had already picked out a place to sleep. I settled into a bed close to the door and close to the corner thinking it would have me close to an exit and leaving no one behind me.
I made my way to the rec room from there. That is where I met him. His name is Caleb and he is 17 years old, he is about 5'10 and probably no more than 150 pounds soaking wet. His dirty blonde hair and grey eyes make him look meek and beaten down, there is a tremendous amount of pain and suffering in his soul. I can feel it. He is a very nice young bisexual who is recovering from a heroin addiction. His mother used to beat on him and his father figured he was best served as a sex toy to his sicko ideas...we hit it off immediately. Never in my life did I think that a former heroin addict and myself could find common ground but we did.
He talked about how he got here, that he was hoping to one day go back to school and make something of himself, that he had dreams just like any other kid and that he was going to do everything he could to make something of himself in spite of his parents. He had left home at 14, and was living on the streets for the most part and then bouncing between shelters. He talked about how the system is not designed to help people like him out. Then it happened, the one thing I was most worried about...he asked me what I was doing there. My heart jumped and I told him I could not and would not lie to him. I told him I was doing something I had put on my bucket list and so the story went.
He sat there in silence as I told him my story in 5 minutes or less. He just sat there, silent, listening, absorbing, and taking in what I had to say as though my situation was suddenly more important than his own. When I finished, he leaned over and hugged me. I could feel his ribs against my chest and I just shuddered, took a deep breath and tried to keep my composure. How could this young man be so attached to me in such a short time. When he let me go he said he would help me get used to things around here.
We made our way to the dining hall and we sat and had coffee. I think he was being friendly but in all honesty, I think he did it to be normal again, whatever normal is anyway. He had a friend, someone he could relate to and someone who was not there to judge him.
That night he set up shop beside my bed, hugged me again, and we crashed side by side.
By 8 AM the lights came on and whatever dream was washing through my brain quickly disappeared as I opened my eyes and looked at Caleb. With a big smile he looked at me and told me it was time to go get breakfast.
Breakfast is not much to look at, Oatmeal, juice, toast and a few other things to make sure you get a balanced morning. From breakfast you are expected to head to either work placement, schooling or some form, a treatment program or some other positive activity. Since I had nowhere to go I opted to spend the day in the shelter and take in a drug awareness class. Caleb was off to a day long program from recovering addicts and said he would see me for dinner.
I had no idea there were so many narcotics out there and with so many crazy names. All I know is, I dont do drugs and after todays class, I dont intend to either.
I spent the balance of the day outdoors, walking the downtown and just doing what someone who does not have a home would do.
I returned for Dinner, met up with Caleb and we sat and had a hearty beef stew, bread, and carrot cake for desert. We talked about what he did that day and I told him about my day. We continued chatting and getting closer. I am feeling a special bond with him...a feeling I have not felt before, and its nice.
So now here I am, sitting in the computer room where you can access the net though we are monitored to make sure we are not accessing anything illegal etc.
Tonight Caleb is going to introduce me to some of the other people he hangs with and we are going to spend the rest of the night as a group.
I think I found that special someone I was meant to get close to and help...at least I hope I did. Its funny, a heroin addict and a cancer kid meet in a homeless shelter. It sounds like the set-up to a really bad joke and yet the joke is, it feels like home.
Till Tomorrow!
LiveSTRONG!
Sunday, March 16, 2008
A Week In The Life Of...
I have said it before and I put it on my bucket list. I am going to check into a youth shelter tonight and show love to those who need it the most.
I have no idea what I am going to find there. Not sure what I am searching for either. I am coming in to the system without anyone knowing anything about me. I am just going to show up and ask for a place to stay. Now dont worry, my rents think I am going to be staying at a friends place for the week and I think that is for the best. They would prolly freak out if they knew what I was planning.
The people who run the shelter dont know anything about me either. Like I said, I just plan to show up. To the best of my knowledge there is web access there so I am planning on posting daily update on what I experience. if I can't update daily, I will update as quickly as I can.
One thing is certain, I intend to listen, learn, and share. I want to show as many people in there as I can that there are people who care. I am going to try and make some friends and just be myself, genuine, honest, quirky and occasionally a little off balance, but myself.
I want to leave this world in a better way than I came into it and if I can touch just one homeless kid, just one abused girl, or just one kid than it was worth it.
I am rambling now because my nerves are kicking up. I am traveling light. Just a few clothes, and nothing else. I am going to live off what the system gives me.
See You Soon
LiveSTRONG!
I have no idea what I am going to find there. Not sure what I am searching for either. I am coming in to the system without anyone knowing anything about me. I am just going to show up and ask for a place to stay. Now dont worry, my rents think I am going to be staying at a friends place for the week and I think that is for the best. They would prolly freak out if they knew what I was planning.
The people who run the shelter dont know anything about me either. Like I said, I just plan to show up. To the best of my knowledge there is web access there so I am planning on posting daily update on what I experience. if I can't update daily, I will update as quickly as I can.
One thing is certain, I intend to listen, learn, and share. I want to show as many people in there as I can that there are people who care. I am going to try and make some friends and just be myself, genuine, honest, quirky and occasionally a little off balance, but myself.
I want to leave this world in a better way than I came into it and if I can touch just one homeless kid, just one abused girl, or just one kid than it was worth it.
I am rambling now because my nerves are kicking up. I am traveling light. Just a few clothes, and nothing else. I am going to live off what the system gives me.
See You Soon
LiveSTRONG!
Friday, March 14, 2008
I've Been Tagged
Well I have never been tagged before and had to do some reading to find out what this meant for me. Apparently The Worm got me and so I need to make sure I return the favour. So here you go sir...
Accordingly I am to post the rules...please allow me to rip off another posting format as I go about doing my due dilligence
1) Link To The Person That Tagged You
Done!
2) Post The Rules On The Blog
Read Along...I am doing just that
3) Share six non-important things/habits/quirks about yourself
A) I absolutely refuse to drink the last few drops of the milk. I call it milk waste and cant bring myself to be the one who gets the last of the milk from the bag. I find it gross, and usually find creative ways to pawn it off on some poor unsuspecting family member
B) I am Arachnophobic which is to say that I have a deathly fear of spiders. I dont know why I am so afraid of them but I am. I cant stand them in the slightest and can barely bring myself to get close enough to kill them. Whenever I see one it usually results in me freaking out and waving my hands violently to get someone else to kill it. Now that I can speak, I find that loud screaming is far more effective then waving my hands
C) I am a boxers, not briefs guy. The argument continues to rage as to whether boxers or briefs make more sense. I dont really care what makes more sense, when your my age, and you cant control the little...er, well maybe not little...things that happen, you need to make sure that there is room to hide those things. My mom used to buy me briefs until I got old enough to go and get my own stuff at which point I switched to my beloved boxers...and NO, I will NOT wear spiderman/batman/super hero underwear for anyone no matter how much you pay me.
D) My all time favourite movie of all time is, "A Few Good Men". There is nothing better than the exchange between Tom Cruise and Jack Nicholson. Those two have a screen chemistry that electrifies me. Nothing could be better than watching that movie on a rainy weekend.
E) I have big feet...size 12 to be exact and for anyone who says that stupid saying, "You know what they say about guys with big feet", tell them I said its total crap. The only thing guys with big feet have is a big pair of shoes! At least, thats what I think anyway having no scientific proof to back it up.
F) I have a sixth sense. It is true...now I dont see dead people but I do have the ability to tell when someone is trying to sneak up on me. I think it came about when I lost my hearing. Given that I could not hear someone sneaking up on me, I think my body compensated by giving me a sixth sense of sorts. Its creepy sometimes but I love it.
4) Tag Six Random People And Link To Their Blogs
Ok so here you go...six random blogs
Erics Planes
Scary's West
The Chutney Garden
Kinetic World
People Reading
Weighty Matters
5) Tag All The Above with a link back to this blog
DONE!
Accordingly I am to post the rules...please allow me to rip off another posting format as I go about doing my due dilligence
1) Link To The Person That Tagged You
Done!
2) Post The Rules On The Blog
Read Along...I am doing just that
3) Share six non-important things/habits/quirks about yourself
A) I absolutely refuse to drink the last few drops of the milk. I call it milk waste and cant bring myself to be the one who gets the last of the milk from the bag. I find it gross, and usually find creative ways to pawn it off on some poor unsuspecting family member
B) I am Arachnophobic which is to say that I have a deathly fear of spiders. I dont know why I am so afraid of them but I am. I cant stand them in the slightest and can barely bring myself to get close enough to kill them. Whenever I see one it usually results in me freaking out and waving my hands violently to get someone else to kill it. Now that I can speak, I find that loud screaming is far more effective then waving my hands
C) I am a boxers, not briefs guy. The argument continues to rage as to whether boxers or briefs make more sense. I dont really care what makes more sense, when your my age, and you cant control the little...er, well maybe not little...things that happen, you need to make sure that there is room to hide those things. My mom used to buy me briefs until I got old enough to go and get my own stuff at which point I switched to my beloved boxers...and NO, I will NOT wear spiderman/batman/super hero underwear for anyone no matter how much you pay me.
D) My all time favourite movie of all time is, "A Few Good Men". There is nothing better than the exchange between Tom Cruise and Jack Nicholson. Those two have a screen chemistry that electrifies me. Nothing could be better than watching that movie on a rainy weekend.
E) I have big feet...size 12 to be exact and for anyone who says that stupid saying, "You know what they say about guys with big feet", tell them I said its total crap. The only thing guys with big feet have is a big pair of shoes! At least, thats what I think anyway having no scientific proof to back it up.
F) I have a sixth sense. It is true...now I dont see dead people but I do have the ability to tell when someone is trying to sneak up on me. I think it came about when I lost my hearing. Given that I could not hear someone sneaking up on me, I think my body compensated by giving me a sixth sense of sorts. Its creepy sometimes but I love it.
4) Tag Six Random People And Link To Their Blogs
Ok so here you go...six random blogs
Erics Planes
Scary's West
The Chutney Garden
Kinetic World
People Reading
Weighty Matters
5) Tag All The Above with a link back to this blog
DONE!
Wednesday, March 5, 2008
Scattered Thoughts
I know it has been a long time since my last post. I am not sure if everyone is still following along or not, I hope you all are. I write this stuff for all of you though some would argue that it is therapy for me.
I have been a little bit of a mess the last little while. My tests show that the tumor is continuing its growth and seems to be very much alive and well. That is not good news for me because it means that I am getting that much closer to leaving all of you. They gave me a 2 year window and by all accounts, they are bang on with the timing so far. I should be freaking out and sad and yet I cant really say I feel anything at this point. I like to say that it is because I am at peace with what is coming but I am starting to get frustrated. I see all the cool things around me, all the cool sounds, the cool new THINGS and I can not believe that I may not get to take it all in like I wanted too. A good friend said it best when he said, “Its not that life is too short, its just that your dead for so long”. I think he is quite right. We are all dead for way too long if you ask me HA-HA!
It also seems my bucket list has caused a few stirs. I don’t know why people just assume that I have slept with someone before. I guess it should be considered a compliment really but I don’t know. I mean, not all guys are hot to jump in bed with anything that moves LOL. I sincerely want to wait for the right person. I am not talking about the mood having to be perfect and the stars perfectly aligned or anything crazy like that. I am talking about the person being right for me, and me feeling like that person is the one. That person has to be willing to accept that this is totally new to me, that I will in all likelihood be completely freaked out and nervous as all heck. If I can find that person I will be doing fine. Until then though I am going to have to continue the course of cold showers and prayers LOL. One thing I will say is that I do NOT intend to die a virgin. I will be damned if I am going to have that on my headstone. So in the interim if you know someone who fits what I am looking for……..Just kidding.
On a more positive note, my speech is getting better. I am still having trouble with the letter C and the letter S but it is coming along. Also, I have been able to slow my over annunciation of certain letters so that I look less like someone who is trying to speak in slow motion HA-HA! If you thought learning to walk was hard as a kid, try learning to speak at my age Tee hee hee.
Alright so here it is, I don’t know what you all want to read, what you want to hear about so I am opening the floor up. What would you like me to talk about? What do you want to know? There is so much I could tell you but I wanna know what interests you.
LiveSTRONG!
I have been a little bit of a mess the last little while. My tests show that the tumor is continuing its growth and seems to be very much alive and well. That is not good news for me because it means that I am getting that much closer to leaving all of you. They gave me a 2 year window and by all accounts, they are bang on with the timing so far. I should be freaking out and sad and yet I cant really say I feel anything at this point. I like to say that it is because I am at peace with what is coming but I am starting to get frustrated. I see all the cool things around me, all the cool sounds, the cool new THINGS and I can not believe that I may not get to take it all in like I wanted too. A good friend said it best when he said, “Its not that life is too short, its just that your dead for so long”. I think he is quite right. We are all dead for way too long if you ask me HA-HA!
It also seems my bucket list has caused a few stirs. I don’t know why people just assume that I have slept with someone before. I guess it should be considered a compliment really but I don’t know. I mean, not all guys are hot to jump in bed with anything that moves LOL. I sincerely want to wait for the right person. I am not talking about the mood having to be perfect and the stars perfectly aligned or anything crazy like that. I am talking about the person being right for me, and me feeling like that person is the one. That person has to be willing to accept that this is totally new to me, that I will in all likelihood be completely freaked out and nervous as all heck. If I can find that person I will be doing fine. Until then though I am going to have to continue the course of cold showers and prayers LOL. One thing I will say is that I do NOT intend to die a virgin. I will be damned if I am going to have that on my headstone. So in the interim if you know someone who fits what I am looking for……..Just kidding.
On a more positive note, my speech is getting better. I am still having trouble with the letter C and the letter S but it is coming along. Also, I have been able to slow my over annunciation of certain letters so that I look less like someone who is trying to speak in slow motion HA-HA! If you thought learning to walk was hard as a kid, try learning to speak at my age Tee hee hee.
Alright so here it is, I don’t know what you all want to read, what you want to hear about so I am opening the floor up. What would you like me to talk about? What do you want to know? There is so much I could tell you but I wanna know what interests you.
LiveSTRONG!
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