I don't really remember when it was that I fell asleep. I was doing so much thinking and the whole movie of the events of that night kept rolling through my head. I kept pausing at the part where Caleb told me what he was feeling towards me and then the kiss he laid on me. It was weird...I have never kissed a guy before and have never been kissed by a guy before so it was all so very odd to me and yet, it didn't freak me out in the slightest. I remember him putting his hands on my face, leaning in, and the gentle manner in which his lips connected with mine. The way I allowed it to happen and continue....thats it, I allowed it to continue and I think that is where I am stuck. I could have pulled away and I didn't. I could have fought him and I didn't, I could have completely stopped him cold and...I...didn't. God forbid, I think I may have actually reciprocated. All I keep thinking about is that this was not some innocent little peck on the cheek, he full on kissed me and I think I may have been kissing him back. Do you see my dilemma here? My over analysis is making me crazy...and somewhere at that point I fell asleep.
I woke up once again to Caleb sitting on the edge of my bed. He was just sitting there watching me and I actually felt safe with him sitting there. We got ready for breakfast and with it being Good Friday, neither of us had anywhere to be so we had the full day together.
Having finished breakfast we decided to go out and just walk the downtown. We opted to go for a coffee and sit at a Tim's and just talk. We talked about the other night, we talked about what it meant, and we talked about what Caleb said to me. He explained that he felt something for me when I came in the door that first night and from there he has become more attached to me. I told him that I felt a deep connection to him and that I wanted to continue to see him. Somewhere between the first and third cup of coffee I think I finally realized that I am feeling something for him that I have never really felt for someone else. I am not yet willing to say that I am Bi or Gay or anything like that nor am I willing to say that I love him. What I am willing to say is that I feel SOMETHING for him and only the next few days will say for sure just what it is.
We left Tim's and made our way back to the shelter. It was cold out and neither of us wanted to stay out too long. Once we got back we headed to the kitchen to help with prep. There is something special about domestic work in a kitchen. I find it strangely appealing, almost relaxing. It was also a little nerve racking given that I had returned to the scene of my first real fight. Nonetheless, I made it through without having to hit anyone.
Through the rest of the day we played cards, we watched TV and we just chillaxed like we didn't have a care in the world. It was the kind of day you just take in and enjoy.
By dinner we were sufficiently eased into our new reality that we actually started joking a little about the other night with me making wise cracks about how he slobers like a wet dog when he kisses. It didn't feel weird and it was surely very funny.
After Dinner we returned to the rec room and watched TV. We sat there and I got brave and put my arm around him. He leaned into me, and I could feel his head resting on my chest. It made me tingle and no matter how much I may have wanted to get up to do something, I could not risk the embarassment that would have fallen on me.
We sat there in total bliss and the only thing I think he said for about an hour was, "I can hear your heart beating". His short blonde hair felt so very soft on my hands and I am sure I put him to sleep at one point though he denies it.
Later on that night we headed to the computer room and I took him to the SIMhl with me and the blog site. I ran into Al on the SIMhl and explained to Caleb who Al was and some of the others on there.
We stayed long enough that we got told they wanted to close down the room and so we left.
We headed to bed and got ready to crash. Just before I went to lay down, I got my hug from him and as he went to let go, I lost all reality, did something completely out of character for me, leaned in and kissed him goodnight. I have no idea what I was thinking but for some reason it just felt right. Needless to say he returned my gesture willingly and my hormones once again got the better of me which led to a few sarcastic remarks from him. When I let him go I just stared at him and wished him a good night. I laid down in the bed and the last thing I heard was "Thanks Derry, I really needed that"
The room went black and I think I slept deeper than I have all week...it was as if the world was perfect for just once in my life.
LiveSTRONG!
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5 comments:
I know you're not ready to use the BI or Gay words yet, but I've got to say, I'm not so sure you'd be having these kinds of feelings for Caleb if at least one of those weren't true. It's one thing to be tolerant, it's another completely to have urges, much less act on them. Not that I'm claiming to be an authority on the subbject. Personally, as a straight man, the idea of willingly kissing another guy is not something I could ever consider.
I know what your saying and it does make perfect sense. I think it is the reality of saying/typing it that is freaking me out more than anything else. I came here not really thinking about myself in that way and in a few days I find myself in a situation where I am questioning my preferences. I don't really know why I did what I did before we crashed or why I cuddled with him on the couch. Its weird and yet on some levels it just feels natural. I also worry that people will judge me for my feelings and even though I have been open here, and will continue to be, I just worry that so many others will not be like you.
I am thinking about this whole thing, and it is occupying a lot of my time...and yet, the more I think about it, the more I get the warm and fuzzies/tingles for Caleb.
For now, I am going to let this go where it will...lots to talk about for day 6 though. Try to stay tuned if you can handle it.
I compeltely agree with what Al had to say. Me being straight as well I know that I wouldn't even consider the idea of being intimate with another guy, and for you to do what you did willingly it leads me to speculate you may be experiencing feelings you never knew you had. I have nothing against anyone who chooses this path, all the advice I can offer to you is to do what your heart tells you. Just be careful, after reading your entire blog up until this entry it would be terrible to see you get hurt.
Peace
Adam
Hey,
The only advice I can pass is that everyone in the world is looking for unconditional love. Straight, bi, gay..whatever.. in the end we all just want to know that someone loves us back. For most of us, this love comes from family and close friends. Occassionally, you will find someone outside of this group, someone you will enjoy getting to know and someone you can talk to without all of the hangups family and friends bring to a conversation.
This was always the most enjoyable part of dating for me, really just exploring each others lives. It's a great adventure and really brings back great memories of my teens.
I will warn that this type of relationship sends off warning bells for me, and I'd be very careful proceeding beyond your stay at the shelter. I'd be setting the ground rules now, as inevitably someone will get hurt.
Hey Everyone
I totally hear everything your saying here. Adam, thanks for taking the time. Jer, I hear ya buddy.
We are working on some ground rules as you can see in Day 6. We are taking it slow and seeing where we go with this. In the end though, getting hurt is an experience, a lesson one learns. If fate feels its something I need to experience then I accept that. In the interim, I dont know how long I have to experience all I can...so I am going to take it all in as it happens.
You guys are like big brothers to me and I hope you all know how much I respect you.
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