Day 3 At The Shelter

Someimes I feel as though I am a broken record when I do a series like this because so many of the things that you do in a place like this are all about routines. I think it is meant to build a sense of stability into the persons life. Something that was likely sorely missing up until that point in time. And so begins day 3 at my temporary home.

I woke up this morning and there was Caleb, sitting in a chair right beside me, half dressed but waiting for me to greet the morning. As my vision came around and I got my bearings his smile once again greeted me. For the first time, I did not wake up feeling a sense of panic. I felt calm, relaxed, and I think I got the best night sleep yet.

As is the usual thing for Caleb and I, we got dressed, and ready for breakfast. Nothing special to report on the breakfast front as things are pretty much the same there day by day.

Over breakfast Caleb told me that he did not have his course today and that we has no kitchen duty. Apparently it is customary for the residents to help in the kitchen for prep-work. Kind of like working for your food and shelter. He asked if I wanted to help and I of course said yes.

We spent the whole day prepping lunch and dinner. We even helped with lunch and dinner service. It was not all roses though. During the course of lunch prep, two other residents got into a verbal confrontation and it got really heated. Caleb jumped in and suggested everyone just go out for a smoke and cool off and I agreed. Well that was all it took. The one guy just popped and went off the deep end taking a lunge at the first guy. He got knocked backwards and slammed into Caleb sending all three of them to the gound. Not wanting to see my friend get hurt, I jumped in and pulled the one guy off of Caleb and tried to separate the two of them but they had none of that. By this point the kitchen staff were on the phone to the police and T.J was coming clear across the kitchen to cover my back. The first guy took a swing at me for intervening me but I was a little farther away then he expected. Having missed, I cold cocked him in the mouth and sent him reeling. By this point things were at fever pitch in the kitchen and pots and pans were crashing, people yelling, and all hell breaking loose. Having been punched and the second guy recognizing he had an opportunity, he football tackled the first guy to the floor. I felt a rough tug on my collar and it was T.J. grabbing me by the collar to keep me out of it. It felt like seconds but really went about 10 minutes. When it was all said and done, the Cops took names and we were all warned to cool it or we would be booted. The guy who started it got kicked out and that was it for him.

Having made it through my first big fight, I decided to spend the remainder of the evening in the rec room with Jewel, Caleb, and T.J.. The three of them joked about how I got into my first big fight and how funny it was to see me that wound up. Caleb put his arm around me and said, “don’t be messin with my bodyguard” and I just laughed at him.

We spent most of the night just watching T.V. and chatting. T.J. and Jewel sat together and Caleb and I sat on another couch but we were all kind of angled so we could all see each other and talk and watch the tube. I am at a bit of a crossroads now though. I am going to open up more than I usually which is to say that I am going to say a little bit more about what I am feeling as opposed to just glossing over it and saying nothing. It may cost me some opinions on who I am but then I also feel I need to be who I am, for who I am, regardless of what anyone thinks of me. There is no secret to the fact that Caleb and I are getting close. Our friendship is growing and although it could be said that I am being played or whatever, I am just not feeling that from him. I think he really is who he is, and he is trying so very hard to be a better person. I also know that Caleb is Bi and that he has the ability to get close to other guys and not let that be an issue. Some people could take him hugging me and vice versa before we crash as being something more. Others would say that we spend a lot of time together and perhaps we spend too much time together. What I know is that when we spend time together, I feel really good. When he hugs me before we crash, it feels good. When I wake up and he is sitting there smiling at me, I feel warm. Last night when we sat on the couch in the rec room and we just watched TV and talked with T.J. and Jewel, it felt good. I am not sure what to make of what I am feeling though. I know I feel a close connection to him and he feels the same with me. I never expected this to happen when I started this. I thought I would get close to someone or a few people and I would end up just showing them that someone cared. I had no idea that in doing so, I would also find myself on the receiving end of that same emotion. I guess what I am trying to say is that my emotions and my feelings are out of whack at the moment. I dont really fully understand what I am feeling or why I am feeling it. What I do know is that I really like hanging with him and I think our friendship will extend outside this place.

Okay, enough, I am starting to ramble and losing my train of thought here.

By the end of the night I did what I usually do, I headed to the kitchen, got a cup of coffee, and finished up for the night. From there I made my way to my bed, got my hug from Caleb and crashed.

Tomorrow will be another day and I will have yet another chance to make a difference. I just hope it does not mean that I need to throw another punch. I feel badly for that, I am not a fighter. Never have been and when I hit that guy, everything changed. I can not take back what I did. I can only try not to do it again in the future.

One last thing, please dont judge me for my actions...I never meant to hurt anyone.

LiveSTRONG!