I made the decision to go back to doing chemo. Its a big decision folks. If you have never been through it you have no idea and if you have, you will understand why this is such a big deal.
Chemo is a way of killing everything in your system. The problem is that it kills both the good and the bad. As a result, you become prone to getting sick, you get tired, the brutal nausea that leads to massive vomiting, then you start to lose your hair and you lose body fat and muscle tone, you look pale and sickly and you just generally feel like crap and don't want to go out.
The hope is that by going through all that you will also kill all the evil cancer in your system and then begin to recover and go into remisison. That is the ideal situation anyway. The problem is that the ideal does not always happen.
I have made the decision that for the first day of the Chemo I am going to check into the hospital for the night. I want to be somewhere where I can be watched and where I can be all shitty without imposing on anyone else. The next morning I will up and leave and make my way to wherever I am going. Assuming my rents talk to me, it will be home, if they are not talking to me, it will be to the shelter.
I am supposed to be seeing my doc on Tuesday which means I could be doing a round of chemo as early as Wednesday. I can not stress enough how brutal it is to endure, I really wish I didn't have to but Caleb insists that I need to fight the good fight and keep on trucking. I know that many of you feel the same way and have told me as much even though I know you also supported my decision to stop.
I really feel conflicted, in some respects I want to keep on fighting even if it means my quality of life is crap and on the other hand, I don't want to waste what I have of this life being sick and miserable. Caleb argues that by fighting on I likely have more of that life to live and by not fighting I am giving in and cutting my chances way short.
Sometimes life really feels like a high stakes poker game. Do I play the cards I have and pray that the flop, turn, and river cards work in my favour? or do I fold, cut my losses and see what the next hand brings. Tough decision and there is no Daniel N, Chris Moneymaker, or any of those Poker greats to read my hand for me.
As always, I am all ears with you readers. What do you think? I know what Caleb thinks, I know what some of my friends think. Am I making a mistake? Do I go ALL IN? or do I fold?
Forrest Gump got it right, Life IS like a box of chocolates, you never know what your going to get...I just hope I don't get the nut.
LiveSTRONG!
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5 comments:
Hmmmmmmmmmm.....
THAT is a decision indeed.
Ultimately only one you can make.
I'm all for prolonging life (LIFE!) but I'm also brutally aware, having watched someone's life snuffed out by leukemia at the same age as you are, of the struggles that chemo presents.
But having said things.... knowing that you gave it your all.... if the worst case scenario presents itself, wouldn't you want to know that you did everything you could to fight?
...And.... on another note, are you certain that Caleb would stand by you and be supportive thru this? It IS a very heavy load.... especially on someone you haven't had a lot of life experiences with? I'm concerned that along with everything else you are experiencing firsts of, you'll have your wonderful heart broken, just when you need the support the most.
Just my thoughts....
Now go out... and experience some of that beautiful weather that has come our way. The sun IS shining, and JUST for YOU!
N.
I want to prolong life, I really do. I wanna live! But I don't want to live a life where I can not really LIVE! You know what I mean?
I don't know if Caleb can hack it or not. We have had that discussion and I have told him what he is in for. I guess only time will really tell and we should know this week when I go in for the treatment. If he breaks my heart than it is an experience I was meant to have and I accept it in all its painful glory.
It was a beautiful day and Caleb and I spent it outside walking and talking. Even being cold, the warmth of his love for me kept me toasty.
That's a tough decision my man, and it would be very tough being in your shoes right now, but I'm gonna try to help you out. Even though chemo is tough, I think you should try it for a little bit. Refering back to your poker analogy, folding gets you nowhere. You can only fold for so long before you're eliminated. Sometimes you have to take some risks, and this is one of those times. This is pretty much your final opportunity. Therefore, I think you should listen to Caleb and go back to doing chemo.
LiveSTRONG
Warrior
I don't know you and you don't know me, but I sure hope to continue reading more of your articles for a long time.
Whatever choice you make, own it. Don't let anyone else make their own choices for you.
Hang tough, dude.
Keep on truckin' ..
:o)
Paotie
Hey Paotie
Thanks for checking me out. I have reached my decision and right or wrong, I am sticking with it.
I also hope to be writing these entries for a long long time.
Thanks again for the encouragement and support!
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