Day 6 At The Shelter

Its Saturday morning and my week at the shelter is quickly coming to a close. Only Sunday and then I will be leaving Monday morning.

I wake up this morning to my normal routine, Caleb sitting there, hand on my head, running his fingers through my hair with a big smile on his face. I find myself getting more and more comfortable with this situation and it feels good to have that comfort. Caleb also seems to be in a different head space. He seems happier, more settled and it feels good inside to know that I may have played a role in that measure of happiness.

We get ready and head to breakfast. Nothing eventful to report there, just the usual faces, the usual conversations, and the usual selection. With it being a Saturday the guests have the option to do what they please. Most will stay here and relax but a few will head out and see what job opportunities might be out there, even on a Saturday.

Caleb and I opt to go out and get some fresh air. We get outside and start walking a few blocks. We start side by side but that quickly changes to having his arm around my neck. I am fine with this even as the people passing by give us funny looks well others just smile politely. Some seem tolerant and others seem disgusted. Thus is the dilemma I now find myself facing.

We stop at our new hangout, a Tim's. We each order a coffee and spend the next few hours talking. We talk about each others lives, what we are currently doing, what we want to do. We feel like ancient friends sitting there. Inevitably we talk about what the future holds for us. The fact that I feel there is a future is something new for me. We agree to keep seeing each other once I leave. He has my cell phone number and I have his and we have each others emails. We will continue to meet more than likely at night or during the day when that is possible. We will spend weekends together too. It feels good having this conversation and I feel something inside of me telling me that its right.

I sit back and take a long look into his eyes, I am searching them, looking for some sign that this is real. I see no reason not to think it is and so I change the conversation to how I am going to explain this to my family. We challenge each other back and forth with pro and con arguments and settle on waiting to see if this is what we both want before saying anything to them. I think that its best though I have never done anything like that before. I am sure my parents would be shocked but having seen all they have seen with me I want to believe they will be tolerant.

The conversation lags a little as we sip our second coffee. He looks unsure of himself and so I prompt him to tell me what is wrong. He is afraid to ask me something so I encourage him to tell me. With a deep breath he asks me if I have ever "Done It" before. I think I turned a million shades of red and tell him honestly that I have not. He's not worried about me never having done it, he is worried that I will judge him because he has done it. I tell him that I dont judge and he should know that about me by now. He flashes that special smile and I know were going to be ok. I tell him that I am not in a rush too though. I explain my wish to lose my virginity to the one who makes me shine. I explain that the one who makes me shine is the one who will bring out the best in me and make me a better person for being with them...someone who captures my heart and soul. He smiles again and tells me that there is no pressure with him and that if it happens it happens. I agree and with that we get up and get ready to leave.

The remainder of the afternoon is uneventful, we sit in the rec room, play cards, I check my hockey lines, post to the blog, and get ready for dinner.

We spend the evening in the rec room, curled up on a couch again, his head resting on my chest, my hands on his chest, this time I can feel HIS heart beating. My hormones kick up and he makes a smart remark which makes me turn too many shades of red.

I can't explain the feeling of total peace I find when I am with him. I forget about my cancer, the fact that I am likely going to die. When I am with him I feel a sense of safety and completeness I haven't found anywhere else. I sit there listening to his breathing and I feel like I have found the one.

We finally make our way to bed. I usually get my hug before I change but I do things differently tonight. I sleep in my boxers and this time I wait till he is the same and then go and hug him. I want to feel his chest against mine. Hes warm, and totally willing. He hugs me and I let my hands run up and down his back. I kiss him deeply and come fully to grips with the fact that I am in all likelihood, a bisexual. Letting him go, we look at each other knowing this could easily be so much more but we both know its not right, not now anyway.

I lay in bed and reach over and take his hand, I stare into his eyes until i can no longer keep mine open and I drift off into sleep.

My world has changed so completely and so fully that I can barely believe it myself. In my heart I feel I have found the one who makes me shine.

LiveSTRONG!