They Shall Grow Not Old
As We That Are Left Grow Old
Age Shall Not Weary Them
Nor The Years Condemn
At The Going Down Of The Sun
And In The Morning
WE WILL REMEMBER THEM
Never have truer words been spoken about the brave men and women who have given their lives and today put their lives on the line for the blanket of freedom we sleep under each and every night. Indeed, the brave soldiers who wear the Maple Leaf on their uniforms and for all those who have worn it before, we owe you a debt that may never ever be paid in full.
On this day, and the several days before it, I wear a poppy for you. For the men I will never know, for the wives who watched their husbands go overseas just after exchanging what may have been their last kiss. To the Mothers and Fathers who watched their sons leave home to fight a battle on foreign soil not knowing if they would ever see them alive again. To the brothers and sisters who were too young to enlist but had to watch as their siblings left for a foreign country.
It is for you that I wear my poppy, and it is for you that on this day, I will visit my local memorial, lay a wreath, and weep silently for you as they play Last Post.
If you have found this web entry, please watch the attached Youtube video...I have embedded it for this very special entry.
You may be gone, but you will never be forgotten!
LiveSTRONG!
Tuesday, November 11, 2008
Thursday, October 30, 2008
This One's For You Caleb!
I wanted to do something different and just post some lyrics to a song that has come to make me think about Caleb every time I hear it. This one is for you baby, I love you more than life itself!
Angels
------
I sit and wait
does an angel contemplate my fate
and do they know
the places where we go
when we’re grey and old
‘cos I’ve been told
that salvation lets their wings unfold
so when I’m lying in my bed
thoughts running through my head
and I feel that love is dead
I’m loving angels instead
and through it all he offers me protection
a lot of love and affection
whether I’m right or wrong
and down the waterfall
wherever it may take me
I know that life wont break me
when I come to call he wont forsake me
I’m loving angels instead
when I’m feeling weak
and my pain walks down a one way street
I look above
and I know ill always be blessed with love
and as the feeling grows
he breathes flesh to my bones
and when love is dead
I’m loving angels instead
and through it all he offers me protection
a lot of love and affection
whether I’m right or wrong
and down the waterfall
wherever it may take me
I know that life wont break me
when I come to call he wont forsake me
I’m loving angels instead
LiveSTRONG!
Angels
------
I sit and wait
does an angel contemplate my fate
and do they know
the places where we go
when we’re grey and old
‘cos I’ve been told
that salvation lets their wings unfold
so when I’m lying in my bed
thoughts running through my head
and I feel that love is dead
I’m loving angels instead
and through it all he offers me protection
a lot of love and affection
whether I’m right or wrong
and down the waterfall
wherever it may take me
I know that life wont break me
when I come to call he wont forsake me
I’m loving angels instead
when I’m feeling weak
and my pain walks down a one way street
I look above
and I know ill always be blessed with love
and as the feeling grows
he breathes flesh to my bones
and when love is dead
I’m loving angels instead
and through it all he offers me protection
a lot of love and affection
whether I’m right or wrong
and down the waterfall
wherever it may take me
I know that life wont break me
when I come to call he wont forsake me
I’m loving angels instead
LiveSTRONG!
Tuesday, October 14, 2008
Through Caleb's Eyes
Phil Collins wrote a song called, "Through My Eyes" and I have heard it more than once on the radio but never really stopped to think carefully about the message until the events of the last week and a bit.
Most of you have no idea about this situation but my boyfriend Caleb, has made the decision to press charges against his father for diddling him as a kid. I can only imagine the tremendous courage and inner strength it must take to make the decision to approach the police, admit what has been done to you, and then ask them to arrest one half of the relationship responsible for you being here today. Indeed, to see the world through his eyes would be something very unique.
With that said, I thought I would take a moment and blog about the world through Caleb's eyes. Of course, this is purely hypothetical because I am not Caleb and I can only imagine what the world looks like to him.
When I think of what he must have seen, I see a boy who laid there helpless well a man he trusted took turns pleasing himself with little to no regard for how it would impact his son. The world must have seemed very strange...to grow up having experienced your father doing things to you that no parent should ever do and then continue to grow up and discover that you also have very strong feelings for being with guys. I can hardly begin to understand how alienating it must seem to be dealing with the issues of being an abused child and then those issues of being a gay teenager.
So you opt to leave home and start making a life on the street because you can no longer stand being around your parents and the thought of telling them you have feelings for guys could lead to you being beaten, thrown out, or just ridiculed even more. You venture out and make your life on the street, you learn to find food in places most people would not be caught dead eating at or in and you find places to sleep that most people would not be caught dead at unless you get lucky and manage to get a bed in a shelter.
Along the way you get addicted to various narcotics and your life spirals out of control. Suddenly you find yourself, alone, on the street, no real education, no real prospects, not eating right, and on the edge.
So you live your life this way for a while until you come across some kid who stumbles into your life with no warning. You meet him, fall in love with him, and then move in with his family. Finally things begin to turn...you enroll in school, get into fights to find your place among the new kids. You join the football team to make some new friends and find something constructive to do and to keep you off the drugs well you go through your addicts anonymous program.
You start working and save money for the future and start living by house rules and turning your life around...till you reach the point where you decide its time to find closure at the root of all the evil in your life and so you approach the police and tell your story.
Today the police will be arresting Caleb's father. I can only imagine what he must be feeling...I can only imagine how the world must look to him this morning.
I have taken a long look through his eyes at a boy who has suffered more than anyone should have to in one lifetime and yet for all the right reasons, I know in my heart of hearts, I am the luckiest guy alive because I get to love him in a way that is real and beautiful. Take a look through my eyes....
LiveSTRONG!
Most of you have no idea about this situation but my boyfriend Caleb, has made the decision to press charges against his father for diddling him as a kid. I can only imagine the tremendous courage and inner strength it must take to make the decision to approach the police, admit what has been done to you, and then ask them to arrest one half of the relationship responsible for you being here today. Indeed, to see the world through his eyes would be something very unique.
With that said, I thought I would take a moment and blog about the world through Caleb's eyes. Of course, this is purely hypothetical because I am not Caleb and I can only imagine what the world looks like to him.
When I think of what he must have seen, I see a boy who laid there helpless well a man he trusted took turns pleasing himself with little to no regard for how it would impact his son. The world must have seemed very strange...to grow up having experienced your father doing things to you that no parent should ever do and then continue to grow up and discover that you also have very strong feelings for being with guys. I can hardly begin to understand how alienating it must seem to be dealing with the issues of being an abused child and then those issues of being a gay teenager.
So you opt to leave home and start making a life on the street because you can no longer stand being around your parents and the thought of telling them you have feelings for guys could lead to you being beaten, thrown out, or just ridiculed even more. You venture out and make your life on the street, you learn to find food in places most people would not be caught dead eating at or in and you find places to sleep that most people would not be caught dead at unless you get lucky and manage to get a bed in a shelter.
Along the way you get addicted to various narcotics and your life spirals out of control. Suddenly you find yourself, alone, on the street, no real education, no real prospects, not eating right, and on the edge.
So you live your life this way for a while until you come across some kid who stumbles into your life with no warning. You meet him, fall in love with him, and then move in with his family. Finally things begin to turn...you enroll in school, get into fights to find your place among the new kids. You join the football team to make some new friends and find something constructive to do and to keep you off the drugs well you go through your addicts anonymous program.
You start working and save money for the future and start living by house rules and turning your life around...till you reach the point where you decide its time to find closure at the root of all the evil in your life and so you approach the police and tell your story.
Today the police will be arresting Caleb's father. I can only imagine what he must be feeling...I can only imagine how the world must look to him this morning.
I have taken a long look through his eyes at a boy who has suffered more than anyone should have to in one lifetime and yet for all the right reasons, I know in my heart of hearts, I am the luckiest guy alive because I get to love him in a way that is real and beautiful. Take a look through my eyes....
LiveSTRONG!
Monday, September 29, 2008
Think Of Me, Think Of Me Fondly!
I think I have spent a lot of time in the past writing about the impact of music in terms of our emotions and how a song can bring about one set of fellings, very powerful and moving, for one person and yet mean absolutely nothing to another person. Its funny how the sound in connection to the words can make us think and or feel something that triggers an emotional response and yet if you play that very same song for another person they might not feel anything whatsoever. This whole topic fascinates me. Let me tell you why.
When I was deaf, my ability to respond to stimuli were really restricted to those things which I could smell, taste, touch, or see. Sound had no relevance to me, it did not make me feel anything. It has been said that smell is the most powerful sense of them all in terms of its ability to evoke an emotional response. Indeed, the smell of my mom's chocolate chip cookies makes me feel warm inside. The smell of a squash being cooked makes me think of the Fall and the feeling of the Harvest. Funnier still is when I walk into a bakery and smell chocolate chip cookies I immediately think of my mom in her kitchen and HER cookies...and all the happy memories that come with that smell. Likewise, the smell of Caleb's brutal football equipment, or more specifically the damn socks makes me think of things that are not quite so pleasant...its not that the kid has a bad foot odour thing going on as much as it is that leaving that smelly bag of his on the bedroom floor instead of shoving it in the basement near the washing machine is making me crazy...thus I think I will forever link the smell of sweaty gym socks to Caleb and Football LOL
Anyway, sound or more specifically music, has had a profound effect on me. As you can probably tell by my post and fascination with the Phantom, music has had a massive impact on me. Sound has had a huge impact on me. Suddenly descriptive terms like, "there was a knock on the door", "The bang of the gun could be heard for miles", "The roar of an engine or a crackling fire" all make sense to me now. I understand how to connect those sounds with images and more importantly, they trigger an emotional response. That response could be fear, fascination, peace, love, it could be anything. As I get to better understand and experience the things related to the sound, I will begin to make those connections that make us have a response.
So how does that relate to music? Well I talked to Caleb and asked him if he had a song to which he had a particular emotional attachment and he said that for him it was was Greenwheel's, "Breathe". I listened to the story in the song and began to understand why it had such importance to him. It was the music of his life...his heart...and his soul.
I spent the weekend trying to pick just one song that I would want the world at large to connect to me. A song that for those who heard it and knew me, would forever link me to them and the song itself. After much contemplation I chose the only song that could ever make sense for me. My old friend Phantom came through for me and it was ridiculous to try and avoid it.
The music of MY LIFE, MY soul, and MY heart is and always will be, "Think Of Me". I have chosen to include David Archuletta's version of this song because it was originally written for a woman but David delivers it with a sincere honesty that I feel very much speaks to me.
I hope you enjoy it and whenever you hear it, I hope you "Think Of Me"
LiveSTRONG!
When I was deaf, my ability to respond to stimuli were really restricted to those things which I could smell, taste, touch, or see. Sound had no relevance to me, it did not make me feel anything. It has been said that smell is the most powerful sense of them all in terms of its ability to evoke an emotional response. Indeed, the smell of my mom's chocolate chip cookies makes me feel warm inside. The smell of a squash being cooked makes me think of the Fall and the feeling of the Harvest. Funnier still is when I walk into a bakery and smell chocolate chip cookies I immediately think of my mom in her kitchen and HER cookies...and all the happy memories that come with that smell. Likewise, the smell of Caleb's brutal football equipment, or more specifically the damn socks makes me think of things that are not quite so pleasant...its not that the kid has a bad foot odour thing going on as much as it is that leaving that smelly bag of his on the bedroom floor instead of shoving it in the basement near the washing machine is making me crazy...thus I think I will forever link the smell of sweaty gym socks to Caleb and Football LOL
Anyway, sound or more specifically music, has had a profound effect on me. As you can probably tell by my post and fascination with the Phantom, music has had a massive impact on me. Sound has had a huge impact on me. Suddenly descriptive terms like, "there was a knock on the door", "The bang of the gun could be heard for miles", "The roar of an engine or a crackling fire" all make sense to me now. I understand how to connect those sounds with images and more importantly, they trigger an emotional response. That response could be fear, fascination, peace, love, it could be anything. As I get to better understand and experience the things related to the sound, I will begin to make those connections that make us have a response.
So how does that relate to music? Well I talked to Caleb and asked him if he had a song to which he had a particular emotional attachment and he said that for him it was was Greenwheel's, "Breathe". I listened to the story in the song and began to understand why it had such importance to him. It was the music of his life...his heart...and his soul.
I spent the weekend trying to pick just one song that I would want the world at large to connect to me. A song that for those who heard it and knew me, would forever link me to them and the song itself. After much contemplation I chose the only song that could ever make sense for me. My old friend Phantom came through for me and it was ridiculous to try and avoid it.
The music of MY LIFE, MY soul, and MY heart is and always will be, "Think Of Me". I have chosen to include David Archuletta's version of this song because it was originally written for a woman but David delivers it with a sincere honesty that I feel very much speaks to me.
I hope you enjoy it and whenever you hear it, I hope you "Think Of Me"
LiveSTRONG!
Friday, September 19, 2008
In My Heart You Remain
Hi Karen
Words can not describe the tremendous sense of loss I feel knowing that you have left this earthly abode for heaven above. In a time of great pain and despair you were a ray of light and a sense of hope and courage. I will never forget my chemo treatments and the day you showed up beside me, and with just a few words, you gave me courage and strength. It was your gentle manner, the way you held my hand and told me that the best was still yet to come even though you knew that there was no chance you were going to get better. It was the way you showed me how to LiveSTRONG even when I did not have the strength to live. It was the words of peace that you and I shared as we talked about what life would be like if either one of us made our way to heaven should he call for us. Undoubtedly it was your grace in the face of odds that you were handed that made you someone that was so very different from anyone else. You faced your fight with Cancer with the type of grace, dignity and hope in which I could only dream of. You held my hand and reminded me that life is for living, even when there is not much time in which to live. If nothing else, it was the poem you shared with me when I was unsure about why this was happening to us...Eclesiastes 3:2 will always sitck in my mind. Today Karen, I give you Eclesiastes 3:2 as my parting gift to you as you ascend to heaven and take your place among the angels and I pray you watch over me and my friends, and my family with the same grace, kindness, and love in which you graced this place. I will miss you and treasure you always!
For Karen:
There is an appointed time for everything. And there is a time for every event under heaven
A time to give birth and a time to die;
A time to plant and a time to uproot what is planted.
A time to kill and a time to heal;
A time to tear down and a time to build up.
A time to weep and a time to laugh;
A time to mourn and a time to dance.
A time to throw stones and a time to gather stones;
A time to embrace and a time to shun embracing.
A time to search and a time to give up as lost;
A time to keep and a time to throw away.
A time to tear apart and a time to sew together;
A time to be silent and a time to speak.
A time to love and a time to hate;
A time for war and a time for peace. (Ecclesiastes 3:1-8).
May God shine his countenance upon you always sweetie!
LiveSTRONG!
Words can not describe the tremendous sense of loss I feel knowing that you have left this earthly abode for heaven above. In a time of great pain and despair you were a ray of light and a sense of hope and courage. I will never forget my chemo treatments and the day you showed up beside me, and with just a few words, you gave me courage and strength. It was your gentle manner, the way you held my hand and told me that the best was still yet to come even though you knew that there was no chance you were going to get better. It was the way you showed me how to LiveSTRONG even when I did not have the strength to live. It was the words of peace that you and I shared as we talked about what life would be like if either one of us made our way to heaven should he call for us. Undoubtedly it was your grace in the face of odds that you were handed that made you someone that was so very different from anyone else. You faced your fight with Cancer with the type of grace, dignity and hope in which I could only dream of. You held my hand and reminded me that life is for living, even when there is not much time in which to live. If nothing else, it was the poem you shared with me when I was unsure about why this was happening to us...Eclesiastes 3:2 will always sitck in my mind. Today Karen, I give you Eclesiastes 3:2 as my parting gift to you as you ascend to heaven and take your place among the angels and I pray you watch over me and my friends, and my family with the same grace, kindness, and love in which you graced this place. I will miss you and treasure you always!
For Karen:
There is an appointed time for everything. And there is a time for every event under heaven
A time to give birth and a time to die;
A time to plant and a time to uproot what is planted.
A time to kill and a time to heal;
A time to tear down and a time to build up.
A time to weep and a time to laugh;
A time to mourn and a time to dance.
A time to throw stones and a time to gather stones;
A time to embrace and a time to shun embracing.
A time to search and a time to give up as lost;
A time to keep and a time to throw away.
A time to tear apart and a time to sew together;
A time to be silent and a time to speak.
A time to love and a time to hate;
A time for war and a time for peace. (Ecclesiastes 3:1-8).
May God shine his countenance upon you always sweetie!
LiveSTRONG!
Tuesday, September 16, 2008
A Song For Momma
My mom has to be one of the most amazing people I know. I know that most guys who are around my age don't really like to be around their mom's or their mom's do silly things to embarass them in front of their friends but mine is totally different. I actually like spending time with her and talking to her. When you think about it, she has had to deal with a lot when it comes to me. You try working with a child who is/was deaf and struggle to learn sign language so you can communicate with your son. Then you find out much later that he can have an implant done to let him hear and you move through that emotional roller coaster. From there you think its smooth sailing till your son is diagnosed with Cancer and you are told that he may not live more than two years. Then you sit through nerve racking rounds of Chemo and finally a hair raising surgical procedure to excise a tumor from his brain. In the middle of all of this your son tells you he enjoys being with guys and then introduces you to his new boyfriend but only after he disappears for a week and lives in a homeless shelter. Through all of that you accept your son and his boyfriend and offer to let him move in and become part of your family. Once he moves in you offer to be a part of the process of getting his life back on track and you live with the knowledge that your son is regularly having sex with his boyfriend in your own house even though you dont admit you know out loud.
If you could live with all of the above than you would be my mother! Incredible and I love her for it. That does not mean though that I have not had times where I have been mad at her...I am after all, her son. Those times when she got mad at me, washed my mouth out with soap, gave me an all expense paid trip over her knee, preached to me about good and bad, and made me do the things I really did not want to do were all excellent examples of the times when I was probably most mad at her and yet when I look at it now, I know she was only doing her job as a parent and secretly, though I would never admit it to her, I am glad she did what she did when she did it.
My mom is an incredible woman, an incredible cook, an incredible hostage negotiator...okay maybe just negotiator, an incredible doctor to the family, just an incredible person period.
I thought it was time I took time in an entry to tell you how great she was and when I googled for songs about mothers who are amazing I came across a song by a group called, "Boyz to Men" and their song, "A Song For Momma" and I listened to it and it choked me up and made me reflect even harder on how great my mom really is.
This ones for you Mom!
LiveSTRONG!
If you could live with all of the above than you would be my mother! Incredible and I love her for it. That does not mean though that I have not had times where I have been mad at her...I am after all, her son. Those times when she got mad at me, washed my mouth out with soap, gave me an all expense paid trip over her knee, preached to me about good and bad, and made me do the things I really did not want to do were all excellent examples of the times when I was probably most mad at her and yet when I look at it now, I know she was only doing her job as a parent and secretly, though I would never admit it to her, I am glad she did what she did when she did it.
My mom is an incredible woman, an incredible cook, an incredible hostage negotiator...okay maybe just negotiator, an incredible doctor to the family, just an incredible person period.
I thought it was time I took time in an entry to tell you how great she was and when I googled for songs about mothers who are amazing I came across a song by a group called, "Boyz to Men" and their song, "A Song For Momma" and I listened to it and it choked me up and made me reflect even harder on how great my mom really is.
This ones for you Mom!
LiveSTRONG!
Wednesday, September 10, 2008
Spotlight: Zach's Rap Writing Part 1
I have been lucky to have been able to be a part of some very good rap writing from a great friend. Those of you who dont know my buddy Zach will soon know that he has a real talent for writing Rap. Over the course of a couple on months Zach wrote and emailed out to me a whole albums worth of original work and although it is not my downright favourite genre of music, I give credit to the guy who did the writing. If you have ever listened to or tried to write Rap you will understand that it is not the easiest thing to do.
With that being said, this will be the first of several entries that I will be doing over the course of this month. My hope is that someone out there knows someone in the music industry who can offer some advice, ideas, tips, connection, whatever to help this very talented guy along. Although I am convinced that he will probably pursue other things for a career, it would feel like a total loss to me if somehow this work was not recognized for the quality it is.
Let me turn the floor over to Zach and the first of these entries....
Ladies and Gentlemen...."Spread Yo Shit"
Verse 1:
I done did my share of dirt, flipped my share at work
I'm the nigga that lived and slid through terror turf
Did it big with clever workers who hid the crack
In the back bottled up in that Gerber glass
For what it's worth, I ain't told the half
I'm nearly rambling, y'all dick handling
Telling my past and you don't know me, Jack
Derry the name's Zach and I'm bout to expose these motherfuckas
Chorus (singing):
When I was down you had a lot to say
You should mind your business and walk away
Talk about them trying to find a way
To spread yo shit 'round town
I ain't really got time for you
With all that ignorant shit you do
Niggas need money and I do too
That's why I ain't fucking with you
Verse 2:
I wonder would he pass for passer
If a massive ass kick's inflicted
It can happen that quick, when spitting shit
Rapidly laying down your fag ass click
From running your lips like a bitch
All I know is something it gotta give
Niggas I gotta live, it's not a prerogative
Don't speak on the kid
Lid your speech or rid ya in the streets
It's so optional, but I will be logical
Cause when I lodge at you, it's not a hospital
Operating poppin' them hot slugs out your abdominal
Now your momma got a funeral attendin
Just for mentioning Warrior the henchmen
All I wanna do is make music and bench man
Get my weight up the same shit that Jay said
If you hate up, the AK's is sprayin
Motherfuckers ain't playin!
Chorus
Verse 3:
That's why I don't fuck with you cats
Cause this not rap with y'all
But this is not an act at all
Run ya trap, get clapped and fall
Spread rumors recieve malignant tumors
Don't confuse music with us choosin
Adhesive patches won't cover the bruise
Channel 2 anchors won't cover the news
They never give a fuck when it's beef between crews
All I know is that Z paid his dues
Made his moves and bitches really hate the truth
They rather see me laid in that body booth
Deep six, rotten so the rats can chew
That's why I don't fuck with y'all
You're runnin' ya jaw, and that really sucks for y'all
Talk behind backs but never to him dawg
Wouldn't that irritate your boss?!
Chorus-repeat 2x
With that being said, this will be the first of several entries that I will be doing over the course of this month. My hope is that someone out there knows someone in the music industry who can offer some advice, ideas, tips, connection, whatever to help this very talented guy along. Although I am convinced that he will probably pursue other things for a career, it would feel like a total loss to me if somehow this work was not recognized for the quality it is.
Let me turn the floor over to Zach and the first of these entries....
Ladies and Gentlemen...."Spread Yo Shit"
Verse 1:
I done did my share of dirt, flipped my share at work
I'm the nigga that lived and slid through terror turf
Did it big with clever workers who hid the crack
In the back bottled up in that Gerber glass
For what it's worth, I ain't told the half
I'm nearly rambling, y'all dick handling
Telling my past and you don't know me, Jack
Derry the name's Zach and I'm bout to expose these motherfuckas
Chorus (singing):
When I was down you had a lot to say
You should mind your business and walk away
Talk about them trying to find a way
To spread yo shit 'round town
I ain't really got time for you
With all that ignorant shit you do
Niggas need money and I do too
That's why I ain't fucking with you
Verse 2:
I wonder would he pass for passer
If a massive ass kick's inflicted
It can happen that quick, when spitting shit
Rapidly laying down your fag ass click
From running your lips like a bitch
All I know is something it gotta give
Niggas I gotta live, it's not a prerogative
Don't speak on the kid
Lid your speech or rid ya in the streets
It's so optional, but I will be logical
Cause when I lodge at you, it's not a hospital
Operating poppin' them hot slugs out your abdominal
Now your momma got a funeral attendin
Just for mentioning Warrior the henchmen
All I wanna do is make music and bench man
Get my weight up the same shit that Jay said
If you hate up, the AK's is sprayin
Motherfuckers ain't playin!
Chorus
Verse 3:
That's why I don't fuck with you cats
Cause this not rap with y'all
But this is not an act at all
Run ya trap, get clapped and fall
Spread rumors recieve malignant tumors
Don't confuse music with us choosin
Adhesive patches won't cover the bruise
Channel 2 anchors won't cover the news
They never give a fuck when it's beef between crews
All I know is that Z paid his dues
Made his moves and bitches really hate the truth
They rather see me laid in that body booth
Deep six, rotten so the rats can chew
That's why I don't fuck with y'all
You're runnin' ya jaw, and that really sucks for y'all
Talk behind backs but never to him dawg
Wouldn't that irritate your boss?!
Chorus-repeat 2x
Friday, September 5, 2008
Fly Like The Eagles
One of the things I think I enjoy most in life is listening to music. I don't mean flipping on the radio and tuning out, I mean really listening. On that note, no pun intended, I want to take a moment to share my thoughts around a band that has been around a very very long time and yet their music is so good I think that any generation of listener could appreciate it. For me, what sets this band apart from many of the others is their signature five part harmony. Have you guessed who I am talking about yet? No? hmmm, well there are 5 of them thus the five part harmony. many of the members have had solo careers at one point or another. Do you know who I am talking about yet? Still no? well the lead singer for most of the songs is the drummer. You MUST know who I am talking about now. If you still don't know, I am talking about the Eagles.
I discovered their music on the radio. The first song I ever heard was, "I Can't Tell You Why" and I was hooked. For me, it was the combination of the use of simple instruments (keyboard, drums, and guitars) that were used sparingly so that the most important instruments of all could be used...their voices. If you have never sat down and closed your eyes and listened to the sound of all 5 voices blending perfectly in that signature 5 part harmony that the Eagles seem to do flawlessly then you are really missing out.
Once I heard that first song I had to hear more and I was stunned to see the catalogue of music they have. Some of my favourite songs include, "I Can't Tell You Why", "Love Will Keep Us Alive", "Desperado", and of course, "Hotel California". Their sound is eclectic and seems to transcend generations of listeners. My parents love the Eagles, and funny, so do I. Their brand of music is timeless in my opinion. The meanings and messages of the songs still speak volumes in todays society and the quality of their music is simply amazing. One thing is for sure, they are their own brand of music and I absolutely love it.
I am sure anyone reading this has heard them before and this will be old news to you but if you have not sat down and actually LISTENED to each of the 5 parts of the harmony then you are missing out on the true hidden gift of this bands music.
Enough for now, time to go and listen to some more Eagles. In this blog you will find some youtube vids of some of my favourites. I hope you enjoy them!
LiveSTRONG!
I Can't Tell You Why
Love Will Keep Us Alive
Desperado
Take It To The Limit
I discovered their music on the radio. The first song I ever heard was, "I Can't Tell You Why" and I was hooked. For me, it was the combination of the use of simple instruments (keyboard, drums, and guitars) that were used sparingly so that the most important instruments of all could be used...their voices. If you have never sat down and closed your eyes and listened to the sound of all 5 voices blending perfectly in that signature 5 part harmony that the Eagles seem to do flawlessly then you are really missing out.
Once I heard that first song I had to hear more and I was stunned to see the catalogue of music they have. Some of my favourite songs include, "I Can't Tell You Why", "Love Will Keep Us Alive", "Desperado", and of course, "Hotel California". Their sound is eclectic and seems to transcend generations of listeners. My parents love the Eagles, and funny, so do I. Their brand of music is timeless in my opinion. The meanings and messages of the songs still speak volumes in todays society and the quality of their music is simply amazing. One thing is for sure, they are their own brand of music and I absolutely love it.
I am sure anyone reading this has heard them before and this will be old news to you but if you have not sat down and actually LISTENED to each of the 5 parts of the harmony then you are missing out on the true hidden gift of this bands music.
Enough for now, time to go and listen to some more Eagles. In this blog you will find some youtube vids of some of my favourites. I hope you enjoy them!
LiveSTRONG!
I Can't Tell You Why
Love Will Keep Us Alive
Desperado
Take It To The Limit
Thursday, August 28, 2008
100th Anniversary Entry
As I type this I can hardly believe that this entry marks one hundred entries on this blog. Although the meter on the side says this is entry 98, the site admin panel says this is #100 and so I am going to recognize this as #100. That being said I intend to use this entry to talk about fulfilling my dream to of seeing the Phantom Of The Opera in London.
I could spend time talking about the flight to London, the fun of landing at Heathrow, getting used to people driving on the wrong side of the road and of course there is the whole accent thing...whats up with that LOL. Instead, I am going to focus exclusively on the performance itself. And so, without further adieu, lets begin.
I arrived at Her Majesty's Theatre and I was awestruck. The sheer magnificence of this theatre is enough to take your breath away and leave you completely amazed at just how amazing it must be to actually stand on the stage and be a part of the performance. It was simply amazing and the location in the Haymarket was simply magic.
Making my way down front, I took my seats in the orchestra section. I was just off to the right, a few rows back from the orchestra pit and I had a simply amazing view of the entire surroundings. I was so close I really felt as though I could actually reach out and touch the performers. I look around at the balcony behind me and the sheer size of the theatre. Seating close to 1700 people, it is a full house tonight.
I sit there and wait for the curtain to climb. I know the opening act almost by heart and I wait patiently for the auction to start, in particular my rabid fascination with the monkey playing the symballs. Suddenly, as if gravity has disappeared, the curtain climbs and a foggy dusty environment awaits. The moment I have been waiting for begins and the show starts.
I am amazed at just how close I really am to the point I can see the eye colour of the performers, I can see the beads of sweat that break on their foreheads from the hot stage lights beating down on them. Indeed, I am in heaven and its only just begun.
As the auction closes the set comes to life and suddenly this massive chandelier begins to rise and I watch it coming up over my head...it feels so close and yet it is so far away!
Tonights Phantom is the regular performer, Ramin Karimloo and Christine is to be played by Robyn North. By their credits, they should be great and indeed they are as Christine appears on stage. Her performance is magnetic and her voice is simply amazing. Although I will have a hard time finding anyone better than Sarah Brightman, Robyn makes my skin crawl with her powerful voice. Ramin plays a very majestic Phantom. The brooding tortured musical genius that is the Phantom is well portrayed by the youngish Karimloo. His makeup is also well done as we see only peeks of the face we all know hides behind the mask.
The signature songs are performed magically. Christine's "Think Of Me" is well done, "Music Of The Night" is rapturing and "The Phantom Of The Opera" is sinfully well delivered. Indeed, the players are on the top of their game this evening and they seem determined to make sure everyone leaves feeling as though they got their money's worth.
Some of my favourite moments were when Karimloo delivers his tortured and menacing statement, after finding Raoul and Christine have made plans to be together, indeed he looks solemn, as though the life has been sucked from his very being, he sulks around as we watch the flame of hatred and rage begin to flicker and finally burn bright as he declares, "You will curse the day you did not do, all that the Phantom asks of you"
I would be remiss if I did not speak of the shock and horror I felt as I watched a massive Chandelier come crashing down from above me, giving me the impression it was going to graze my head as it came crashing down on the stage...gasps could be heard from the audience, including yours truly as it came flying down at a well choreographed speed that would make even the most hardened theatre goer feel shocked.
My other favourite scene is the opening of act 2. Indeed, "Masquerade" has to be one of my favourite cast moments. All the costumes, the sheer magnificence and decadence of the costumes...the chorus of voices and what a fun song to listen to. Indeed, it was simply amazing.
As the curtain starts to fall, I am feeling as though I am in a dream. I have just witnessed live, a production which has amazed me since I first saw and heard it. Karimloo comes out last and gives us a bow, just after Robyn appears to give us her bow. Karimloo extends an hand to the Orchestra pit as the conductor stands and receives his share of the applause. It is a standing ovation and there are 3 curtain calls before they finally pack it in.
As I walk out the doors of my dream, my fantasy fulfilled, I am humbled by what I have seen and heard tonight. The remainder of my stay here is a blur as I recall over and over again in my mind, the various scenes. Indeed I am the luckiest person alive and I have my parents to thank for it. Thanks Mom and Dad!
I am attaching a video from Youtube which show Karimloo and North performing "Music Of The Night", their signature song. Please take a moment to watch as they will give you a small taste of what I had a chance to enjoy fully.
Music Of The Night:
As always...Think of me, think of me fondly....
LiveSTRONG!
I could spend time talking about the flight to London, the fun of landing at Heathrow, getting used to people driving on the wrong side of the road and of course there is the whole accent thing...whats up with that LOL. Instead, I am going to focus exclusively on the performance itself. And so, without further adieu, lets begin.
I arrived at Her Majesty's Theatre and I was awestruck. The sheer magnificence of this theatre is enough to take your breath away and leave you completely amazed at just how amazing it must be to actually stand on the stage and be a part of the performance. It was simply amazing and the location in the Haymarket was simply magic.
Making my way down front, I took my seats in the orchestra section. I was just off to the right, a few rows back from the orchestra pit and I had a simply amazing view of the entire surroundings. I was so close I really felt as though I could actually reach out and touch the performers. I look around at the balcony behind me and the sheer size of the theatre. Seating close to 1700 people, it is a full house tonight.
I sit there and wait for the curtain to climb. I know the opening act almost by heart and I wait patiently for the auction to start, in particular my rabid fascination with the monkey playing the symballs. Suddenly, as if gravity has disappeared, the curtain climbs and a foggy dusty environment awaits. The moment I have been waiting for begins and the show starts.
I am amazed at just how close I really am to the point I can see the eye colour of the performers, I can see the beads of sweat that break on their foreheads from the hot stage lights beating down on them. Indeed, I am in heaven and its only just begun.
As the auction closes the set comes to life and suddenly this massive chandelier begins to rise and I watch it coming up over my head...it feels so close and yet it is so far away!
Tonights Phantom is the regular performer, Ramin Karimloo and Christine is to be played by Robyn North. By their credits, they should be great and indeed they are as Christine appears on stage. Her performance is magnetic and her voice is simply amazing. Although I will have a hard time finding anyone better than Sarah Brightman, Robyn makes my skin crawl with her powerful voice. Ramin plays a very majestic Phantom. The brooding tortured musical genius that is the Phantom is well portrayed by the youngish Karimloo. His makeup is also well done as we see only peeks of the face we all know hides behind the mask.
The signature songs are performed magically. Christine's "Think Of Me" is well done, "Music Of The Night" is rapturing and "The Phantom Of The Opera" is sinfully well delivered. Indeed, the players are on the top of their game this evening and they seem determined to make sure everyone leaves feeling as though they got their money's worth.
Some of my favourite moments were when Karimloo delivers his tortured and menacing statement, after finding Raoul and Christine have made plans to be together, indeed he looks solemn, as though the life has been sucked from his very being, he sulks around as we watch the flame of hatred and rage begin to flicker and finally burn bright as he declares, "You will curse the day you did not do, all that the Phantom asks of you"
I would be remiss if I did not speak of the shock and horror I felt as I watched a massive Chandelier come crashing down from above me, giving me the impression it was going to graze my head as it came crashing down on the stage...gasps could be heard from the audience, including yours truly as it came flying down at a well choreographed speed that would make even the most hardened theatre goer feel shocked.
My other favourite scene is the opening of act 2. Indeed, "Masquerade" has to be one of my favourite cast moments. All the costumes, the sheer magnificence and decadence of the costumes...the chorus of voices and what a fun song to listen to. Indeed, it was simply amazing.
As the curtain starts to fall, I am feeling as though I am in a dream. I have just witnessed live, a production which has amazed me since I first saw and heard it. Karimloo comes out last and gives us a bow, just after Robyn appears to give us her bow. Karimloo extends an hand to the Orchestra pit as the conductor stands and receives his share of the applause. It is a standing ovation and there are 3 curtain calls before they finally pack it in.
As I walk out the doors of my dream, my fantasy fulfilled, I am humbled by what I have seen and heard tonight. The remainder of my stay here is a blur as I recall over and over again in my mind, the various scenes. Indeed I am the luckiest person alive and I have my parents to thank for it. Thanks Mom and Dad!
I am attaching a video from Youtube which show Karimloo and North performing "Music Of The Night", their signature song. Please take a moment to watch as they will give you a small taste of what I had a chance to enjoy fully.
Music Of The Night:
As always...Think of me, think of me fondly....
LiveSTRONG!
Tuesday, August 26, 2008
One Night Stand's
I was going to post about my trip to London and the Phantom experience BUT this is post #99 and I can not think of a more fitting post for my 100th Blog entry, than to talk about a dream come true. That being said, you are now stuck with my blog about an experience I had with a girl. Be forewarned, this is an adult entry and contains topics of sexuality and graphic adult imagery reader discretion is advised.
Recently I was encouraged to spread my wings a little and consider having a sexual encounter with a girl. It was not that I was opposed to having sex with a girl...hell I am hardly ever opposed to having sex period. It was the whole issue of it not meaning anything and the feeling of it being a disposable encounter. I was just not sure. Also consider that I am happy with Caleb and we have a great sexual and personal relationship and the notion of messing with that bothered me. Clearly if this was something I wanted to pursue, it would have to be with his consent.
I ended up talking to Caleb about it and in the end the decision was made that he would support my curiosity around straight sex but only if he could be involved at the same time. I could not believe what I was hearing...my boyfriend wanted to participate in a threesome with a chick. Stunned, and somewhat shaken I asked him if he was sure and he said he was. He wanted to be there to not only have a new experience (he has never tried a threesome) but he also wanted to be there to help me with whatever was going to happen. Frankly, I did not care, I was going to have my drop dead hot hung boyfriend and a girl with me AT THE SAME TIME! I swore I was going to have a coronary.
At any rate, I contacted a girl who is a good friend of mine and who on several occasions has attempted to get in my pants. She has always had a little something for me though I have never really felt the same for her. Nonetheless I contacted her and we met for coffee. I told her what I wanted to do and told her what the expectations were and that there would likely never be anything serious come out of it. I wanted her to know that I was not asking her to be some cheap hooker for two horny boys. She completely understood and was actually more interested in getting the forbidden fruit (no pun intended).
After telling Caleb about all this, plans were made and we got the ball rolling.
6 PM of the day came and sure enough, Michelle arrived ready to party. It did not take long for us to get to the rec room and from there she took total control of the situation. For the next couple of hours we were a tangle of boy on boy, boy on girl, girl on two boys, and it felt as though I was caught up in some very dirty version of naked twister. We did things that I really never thought three people could do and there was nothing left to the imagination because if you could imagine it in your head, we just out and out went for it with no holds barred.
Perhaps the most shocking moment was when she told Caleb and I that she wanted us to perform for her. She said she had never seen two boys do anything in real life before and she thought we should put on a bit of a show for her. Needless to say we complied and to be honest I found the whole idea of being watched well we did various things to each other not only intriguing but rather arousing.
In the end, after everyone was spent and certain that they could simply not do anything more, it ended. Michelle was satisfied, I was satisfied and exhausted and Caleb was satisfied.
Since that night, Michelle has asked for the opportunity to do something like that again and I am just not sure I want to. Don't get me wrong, I enjoyed myself, straight sex has its advantages and its complications (The female Vagina really needs an operators manual!!!!) but there was just something about it that did not give me that feeling of completeness that I get when Caleb and I have sex. There was something missing, especially in the end...I think I felt more relieved than anything else. With Caleb, I end up in his arms or he in mine and we cuddle and just hold each other close in our complete and open nakedness, absolutely at one with each other, feeling his heart beat, his breathing slow, all that intimate stuff that matters. All of that was absent and maybe for good reason.
I know many of you will think I am now nothing more than a dollar store tramp but please don't judge me. I am young, inexperienced, and finding my place in the bigger picture. If nothing else came of this, I now know just how deeply I love Caleb and that is something that no price could ever be had.
Will we mess around with Michelle again? maybe...maybe not...I am not sure yet, but for now I can claim to have had sex both ways and for the time being, I think I prefer the beef over the chicken!
LiveSTRONG!
Recently I was encouraged to spread my wings a little and consider having a sexual encounter with a girl. It was not that I was opposed to having sex with a girl...hell I am hardly ever opposed to having sex period. It was the whole issue of it not meaning anything and the feeling of it being a disposable encounter. I was just not sure. Also consider that I am happy with Caleb and we have a great sexual and personal relationship and the notion of messing with that bothered me. Clearly if this was something I wanted to pursue, it would have to be with his consent.
I ended up talking to Caleb about it and in the end the decision was made that he would support my curiosity around straight sex but only if he could be involved at the same time. I could not believe what I was hearing...my boyfriend wanted to participate in a threesome with a chick. Stunned, and somewhat shaken I asked him if he was sure and he said he was. He wanted to be there to not only have a new experience (he has never tried a threesome) but he also wanted to be there to help me with whatever was going to happen. Frankly, I did not care, I was going to have my drop dead hot hung boyfriend and a girl with me AT THE SAME TIME! I swore I was going to have a coronary.
At any rate, I contacted a girl who is a good friend of mine and who on several occasions has attempted to get in my pants. She has always had a little something for me though I have never really felt the same for her. Nonetheless I contacted her and we met for coffee. I told her what I wanted to do and told her what the expectations were and that there would likely never be anything serious come out of it. I wanted her to know that I was not asking her to be some cheap hooker for two horny boys. She completely understood and was actually more interested in getting the forbidden fruit (no pun intended).
After telling Caleb about all this, plans were made and we got the ball rolling.
6 PM of the day came and sure enough, Michelle arrived ready to party. It did not take long for us to get to the rec room and from there she took total control of the situation. For the next couple of hours we were a tangle of boy on boy, boy on girl, girl on two boys, and it felt as though I was caught up in some very dirty version of naked twister. We did things that I really never thought three people could do and there was nothing left to the imagination because if you could imagine it in your head, we just out and out went for it with no holds barred.
Perhaps the most shocking moment was when she told Caleb and I that she wanted us to perform for her. She said she had never seen two boys do anything in real life before and she thought we should put on a bit of a show for her. Needless to say we complied and to be honest I found the whole idea of being watched well we did various things to each other not only intriguing but rather arousing.
In the end, after everyone was spent and certain that they could simply not do anything more, it ended. Michelle was satisfied, I was satisfied and exhausted and Caleb was satisfied.
Since that night, Michelle has asked for the opportunity to do something like that again and I am just not sure I want to. Don't get me wrong, I enjoyed myself, straight sex has its advantages and its complications (The female Vagina really needs an operators manual!!!!) but there was just something about it that did not give me that feeling of completeness that I get when Caleb and I have sex. There was something missing, especially in the end...I think I felt more relieved than anything else. With Caleb, I end up in his arms or he in mine and we cuddle and just hold each other close in our complete and open nakedness, absolutely at one with each other, feeling his heart beat, his breathing slow, all that intimate stuff that matters. All of that was absent and maybe for good reason.
I know many of you will think I am now nothing more than a dollar store tramp but please don't judge me. I am young, inexperienced, and finding my place in the bigger picture. If nothing else came of this, I now know just how deeply I love Caleb and that is something that no price could ever be had.
Will we mess around with Michelle again? maybe...maybe not...I am not sure yet, but for now I can claim to have had sex both ways and for the time being, I think I prefer the beef over the chicken!
LiveSTRONG!
Thursday, August 21, 2008
Thank You Cancer
I never thought I would see the day come where I might actually be grateful that I got Cancer. I know that must sound ludicrous to say and it sure feels ludicrous to type and yet as the time passes and I gain a new appreciation and understanding of what I really have in front of me I begin to think that having Cancer and living to tell has actually been a positive for me.
Its funny just how much I think we all take for granted and how we step out into the world every morning with our coloured glasses on, safe in the little bubble that we all keep ourselves in. Perhaps we head to work and pass a homeless shelter for teens and we dont stop to think about how good we have it. Maybe its when your on your way to lunch and your going down the street and you pass the homless and hungry person whom you view as a vagrant on the street corner hoping for charity and mercy and you walk on, not bothering to look back and pretending he was never there. Maybe its something as simple as the ad you saw on TV for the CIBC run for the cure as you sip your beer and wait for the hockey game to come back on, maybe you mute the TV during the commercials so you dont have to listen to the pleas for support. Lastly, it could be one of those gut wrenching animal abuse infomercials run by your local SPCA/Humane Society...we all know those ones and how quickly we change the channel for fear we might feel something or see something that just might pierce that little bubble we keep ourselves in.
Dont get me wrong here, I am not trying to be all self righteous. I am certainly no martyr for the cause. As I type this I am dreaming of my flight to London and my seats in the theatre well I take in the Phantom Of The Opera in the lap of luxury well someone else somewhere else will starve and beg for food. I will wrap myself in my veil of ignorance and watch the show and attempt to not feel guilty for it. The difference is though that I no longer take the little things for granted. I talk to the homeless, I visit the shelters, I volunteer at the Slavation Army food program, I do my best to raise awareness but most importantly, I dont tune out when I see or hear something that may be hard to see or hear. Ignorance is no excuse for not taking action.
If you have never had to deal with such things than you may never understand what I am truly saying. I guess it all comes down to being self aware and thanks to Cancer, I am more self aware than I ever have been.
Just remember, looking away does not make it go away....
LiveSTRONG
Its funny just how much I think we all take for granted and how we step out into the world every morning with our coloured glasses on, safe in the little bubble that we all keep ourselves in. Perhaps we head to work and pass a homeless shelter for teens and we dont stop to think about how good we have it. Maybe its when your on your way to lunch and your going down the street and you pass the homless and hungry person whom you view as a vagrant on the street corner hoping for charity and mercy and you walk on, not bothering to look back and pretending he was never there. Maybe its something as simple as the ad you saw on TV for the CIBC run for the cure as you sip your beer and wait for the hockey game to come back on, maybe you mute the TV during the commercials so you dont have to listen to the pleas for support. Lastly, it could be one of those gut wrenching animal abuse infomercials run by your local SPCA/Humane Society...we all know those ones and how quickly we change the channel for fear we might feel something or see something that just might pierce that little bubble we keep ourselves in.
Dont get me wrong here, I am not trying to be all self righteous. I am certainly no martyr for the cause. As I type this I am dreaming of my flight to London and my seats in the theatre well I take in the Phantom Of The Opera in the lap of luxury well someone else somewhere else will starve and beg for food. I will wrap myself in my veil of ignorance and watch the show and attempt to not feel guilty for it. The difference is though that I no longer take the little things for granted. I talk to the homeless, I visit the shelters, I volunteer at the Slavation Army food program, I do my best to raise awareness but most importantly, I dont tune out when I see or hear something that may be hard to see or hear. Ignorance is no excuse for not taking action.
If you have never had to deal with such things than you may never understand what I am truly saying. I guess it all comes down to being self aware and thanks to Cancer, I am more self aware than I ever have been.
Just remember, looking away does not make it go away....
LiveSTRONG
Wednesday, August 20, 2008
Finding The Phantom...Again
I know it has been a long time and I know that I should know better than to leave people wondering what has happened to me. I need to get back to this blog. It is very important to me and yet its funny how the little things that we do tend to get in the way of the things that are perhaps just as important...like this blog. I know I had said this before but I am not going to let this happen again. I am going to post at least every 3 days so DONT disappear and un-bookmark me. I am back and there is so much to share with you all that I think I have enough material to last me a while LOL.
Okay so a very big and exciting development for me. My birthday is coming and my parents have decided to do something big for me...I mean hey, you only turn 20 once in your life LOL. As you may or may not know, I am heavily addicted to the Phantom Of The Opera. I have seen all the movie versions, I have listened to the soundtrack, I have really become a cult creature to this tortured musical genius that is the Phantom. My parents, knowing how I feel about this musical, have arranged to fly me to London England on Friday to see the show at Her Majesty's Theatre!!! Can you believe it? I am going to fly almost 7 hours to see the most important musical production I have ever known. My skin is crawling just thinking about how cool it is going to be. Topping it all off, they are letting me travel alone! We have family overseas in London and I will stay with them but I cant believe they are letting me do this, I cant believe they are doing it period! I can only imagine the curtain going up, the auction starting and then suddenly the theatre comes alive to its old glory...god I can just feel the whole experience already. I can hardly wait!
The only thing that I am going to regret is that I wont have Caleb with me to share it but I understand that and so does he. It would have been nice but I am not a selfish person at all and I totally understand that this is an experience that was meant for me and I would never say anything to the contrary.
I am flying out Friday so I will be posting one more time before I leave...my next post is going to be a little more...well, obscene I guess is the best way to put it. I had an amazing experience on the weekend and somehow it would just feel wrong not to share it with those of you on here who so faithfully visit.
Again, I am sorry for the long delay between posts, I am back, ready to go and I wont let this happen to you again.
As always, thanks for reading and sharing in the trivial events that make up my life, your participation makes my world a fuller place!
LiveSTRONG!
Okay so a very big and exciting development for me. My birthday is coming and my parents have decided to do something big for me...I mean hey, you only turn 20 once in your life LOL. As you may or may not know, I am heavily addicted to the Phantom Of The Opera. I have seen all the movie versions, I have listened to the soundtrack, I have really become a cult creature to this tortured musical genius that is the Phantom. My parents, knowing how I feel about this musical, have arranged to fly me to London England on Friday to see the show at Her Majesty's Theatre!!! Can you believe it? I am going to fly almost 7 hours to see the most important musical production I have ever known. My skin is crawling just thinking about how cool it is going to be. Topping it all off, they are letting me travel alone! We have family overseas in London and I will stay with them but I cant believe they are letting me do this, I cant believe they are doing it period! I can only imagine the curtain going up, the auction starting and then suddenly the theatre comes alive to its old glory...god I can just feel the whole experience already. I can hardly wait!
The only thing that I am going to regret is that I wont have Caleb with me to share it but I understand that and so does he. It would have been nice but I am not a selfish person at all and I totally understand that this is an experience that was meant for me and I would never say anything to the contrary.
I am flying out Friday so I will be posting one more time before I leave...my next post is going to be a little more...well, obscene I guess is the best way to put it. I had an amazing experience on the weekend and somehow it would just feel wrong not to share it with those of you on here who so faithfully visit.
Again, I am sorry for the long delay between posts, I am back, ready to go and I wont let this happen to you again.
As always, thanks for reading and sharing in the trivial events that make up my life, your participation makes my world a fuller place!
LiveSTRONG!
Tuesday, July 29, 2008
Let Me Introduce You To My Book
I was thinking, I just posted chapter one and really I should have posted the background on the novel first. I wont waste any time, below you will find the back cover of the book, the plot synopsis if you will. I hope you enjoy the ride as this whole thing unfolds...I am currently working on chapter 2 and I am very excited to be taking you on this trip with me.
Away we go......
Embedded deeply in the dark and mysterious underworld of Socio-political activity beats the black heart of the government that most citizens will never know. For Austin McNichol the world was about who got the better of whom, who could outwit the other the fastest and in his opinion there was no one better at the grand game of misdirection then him. Working for an organization that thrived on the deepest secrets of government and political circles, Austin worked the system better than anyone, at least until the day the email came. Following the directions of the email, Austin meets a man whom he has only ever known as “The Phoenix”. “The Phoenix”” hands him a CD and tells him that the contents would either change the world for the better or end the world as we know it now. He is told that he must protect it at all costs. From that moment on, everything Austin had known, the currency of deceit he dealt in, and the tools he routinely executed against others, were now being turned against him. One chance meeting would lead him down a road that would see him fight for his very life. Running would get him nowhere, he had to stand and fight. He had to protect this precious CD from those who ran in the dark shadows.
LiveSTRONG!
Away we go......
Embedded deeply in the dark and mysterious underworld of Socio-political activity beats the black heart of the government that most citizens will never know. For Austin McNichol the world was about who got the better of whom, who could outwit the other the fastest and in his opinion there was no one better at the grand game of misdirection then him. Working for an organization that thrived on the deepest secrets of government and political circles, Austin worked the system better than anyone, at least until the day the email came. Following the directions of the email, Austin meets a man whom he has only ever known as “The Phoenix”. “The Phoenix”” hands him a CD and tells him that the contents would either change the world for the better or end the world as we know it now. He is told that he must protect it at all costs. From that moment on, everything Austin had known, the currency of deceit he dealt in, and the tools he routinely executed against others, were now being turned against him. One chance meeting would lead him down a road that would see him fight for his very life. Running would get him nowhere, he had to stand and fight. He had to protect this precious CD from those who ran in the dark shadows.
LiveSTRONG!
Sunday, July 27, 2008
***Dark Shadows Of The Heart -- Chapter 1***
Half asleep and still reeling from the nights dreams, the soothing crooning of Frank Sinatra wafted through the morning haze, gently awakening Austin from his nights slumber. With bleary eyes, Austin turns over, staring at the flashing illuminated 7:30 on the bedside clock. It was time to get out of bed and get the day started.
Reaching across, he concluded Sintara's rendition of "My Way" prematurely. Silence filled the room as he stared at the ceiling imagining the expressions of various peoples faces in the Italian plaster. Smiling, laughing, crying, screaming. It was a game he would play, testing his own imaginative powers like a child laying down in an open field staring up at the passing clouds, imagining images in the white fluffy configurations.
With a slight grunt he rolled out of bed and got to his feet. Making his way to the bathroom, the velvety feel of the carpet soothed his weariness. The ultimate wake up call was only steps away.
Making his way into the bathroom, Austin switched on the light and took a quick glance in the mirror. He was in good shape, and worked very hard to keep himself looking as good as he did. Dark wavy brown hair, chiseled cheek bones, two days of growth stippled his face. His shoulders were powerful, broad, and seemed to be capable of carrying the worries of the world. His chest was defined and broad which made his abs look more imposing still. Indeed, Austin was a picture of good diet and exercise, a specimen worthy of an appearance in any men’s magazine.
Reaching into the shower, he turned on the cold tap and moderated it slightly with hot water. He was a firm believer in taking cool showers. It invigorated him, made him feel alive and ready to face the day. Stepping in, he closed the glass door and let the cool rush of water roll off his neck and down his powerful back.
The coolness of the shower had an almost aphrodisiac effect sending him plummeting into the deep crevices and corners of his innermost mind. Images rolled through his minds eye like a cracked and tattered old black and white film.
He quickly snapped out of it and reached for his favourite soap. The shower and bathroom were quickly filled with the warm and woody scent of musk and cedar. The aroma filled his nostrils sending him spiraling deeper still into memories that gripped him tight enough he swore they would leave marks on his skin. It was the smell of home, the feel of being in his fathers arms, the scent of his dads cologne, and the soft and subtle aroma of a good scotch. He longed to live these memories beyond the theatre of his mind.
Rinsing off, Austin quickly stepped out of the shower and wrapped himself in a plump bath sheet and headed back to his room to prepare for his day.
Walking over to his full length mirror, he let the towel unwrap itself and fall to the floor in a wet pile on the carpet. He was not a narcissist but he could not help but admire his form, the tightness of his arms and legs, the smooth almost silky appearance of his chest and abs. Flexing his muscular frame to its full potential, he was a vision of strength and power. Hardened muscles bulged as he flexed each arm. Satisfied, he made his way to his oversized walk in closet.
Austin was not obsessive compulsive, though you could certainly make a good argument that he was based on the almost military order in which his shirts and pants were sorted. First by colour and then by function. He had pants for all occasions ranging from formal to lounging around the house. His shirts were just as well organized.
Taking a quick stock of his attire, Austin chose a tan pair of chinos and a short-sleeve button down shirt in a soft almost pastel blue. He had work to do and it was imperative in his mind, that he dress for the occasion.
Walking out of the massive closet that housed his entire wardrobe, Austin made his way into the main part of his room and headed for the hallway. As he strode down the hall he paused only long enough to admire some of the prints that hung on his wall. A lover of nature and all it had to offer, Austin adorned his walls with prints from his two favourite nature artists, Carl Brenders and Robert Bateman. The prints he had chosen were focused on the pure and singular beauty of each subject. His most prized possession being a limited edition signed print by Brenders called, “Spellbound”. The print was a picture of a Lynx showing only its face. For Austin, it was the solemn and powerful imagery of its eyes that had attracted him. This hunting animal up close and personal with a clear and untainted view into the soul of this powerful creature. It was indeed love at first sight and it quicky became his favourite. Continuing down the hall, Austin reached his office.
His office was well appointed. A large mahogany desk sat central to the room well soft wall sconces provided an atmosphere of calm. The walls were painted mossy oak adding an element of earthiness to the room. Austin had selected a high quality Berber carpet for his floor. He liked the smooth and sensuous feel of it under his feet. Making his way to his desk, he tapped the light sensor for the interior lighting and took a seat in his black leather high back executive chair. The chair was custom made for his back and frame alone, and it hugged him perfectly. Reaching across the desk he turned on the computer and plasma monitor. As the system emitted the whirr and hum of life Austin turned on the radio and let the subtle sounds of Bach’s “Air” in C minor fill the room. Austin had taken the gentle sounds of the ocean tide breaking against the rocks and woven it into the musical genius of Bach creating a musical serenade that teased both the auditory and olfactory senses. At once, as if by magic, Austin could smell the briny scent of the ocean and the earthy smell of wet sand. It was sinfully delicious to indulge in such fantasies
“Identify Yourself” chimed the computer
Austin snapped out of his haze and looked at the computer. He had built in a voice recognition system to ward off would be hackers and computer thieves. So smart was the computer that anything other than the mellow tones of Austin’s voice would cause the system to immediately begin an irreversible process of burning the heads of the hard drive, rendering the entire contents useless.
“Austin McNichol” he said
“Standby” prompted the computer as it processed the voice against the pre-recorded version Austin had embedded
“Good Morning Mr. McNichol” said the computer as it completed its boot process
Tapping a button just under the desk, Austin launched the in house security system. A small screen rose slowly from the top of the desk well a small keypad unfolded from the screen. The keypad was of the touch screen variety and required validation before it could be used. Placing his thumb on the keypad reader, the screen blinked and the main menu appeared. From this little console, Austin could control almost every facet of the house, from security, to phones, to lights, to the intercom, anything he wanted. It was all at the press of a button.
As the computer finished booting, Austin accessed the perimeter cameras for the house and watched as he jumped from camera to camera. Each one was located in a strategically selected location to provide maximum security and viewing. No one could move in the house without being spotted and recorded.
All was well with the perimeter and Austin reclined into his chair. Looking up at the computer screen, he said “Computer, access email”
Without missing a beat, the computer accessed the required program and began the process of downloading whatever messages awaited his attention.
Austin preferred voice recognition over manual access because it allowed him to access whatever he needed from most places in the house, or at least wherever there was an access screen from which he could gain control of the computer.
It took only a matter of seconds for the email to arrive but the impact was far quicker, leaning forward in his chair, one piece of mail in particular had caught his attention. Yes, today was going to be unlike any other and the day had only begun.
Reaching across, he concluded Sintara's rendition of "My Way" prematurely. Silence filled the room as he stared at the ceiling imagining the expressions of various peoples faces in the Italian plaster. Smiling, laughing, crying, screaming. It was a game he would play, testing his own imaginative powers like a child laying down in an open field staring up at the passing clouds, imagining images in the white fluffy configurations.
With a slight grunt he rolled out of bed and got to his feet. Making his way to the bathroom, the velvety feel of the carpet soothed his weariness. The ultimate wake up call was only steps away.
Making his way into the bathroom, Austin switched on the light and took a quick glance in the mirror. He was in good shape, and worked very hard to keep himself looking as good as he did. Dark wavy brown hair, chiseled cheek bones, two days of growth stippled his face. His shoulders were powerful, broad, and seemed to be capable of carrying the worries of the world. His chest was defined and broad which made his abs look more imposing still. Indeed, Austin was a picture of good diet and exercise, a specimen worthy of an appearance in any men’s magazine.
Reaching into the shower, he turned on the cold tap and moderated it slightly with hot water. He was a firm believer in taking cool showers. It invigorated him, made him feel alive and ready to face the day. Stepping in, he closed the glass door and let the cool rush of water roll off his neck and down his powerful back.
The coolness of the shower had an almost aphrodisiac effect sending him plummeting into the deep crevices and corners of his innermost mind. Images rolled through his minds eye like a cracked and tattered old black and white film.
He quickly snapped out of it and reached for his favourite soap. The shower and bathroom were quickly filled with the warm and woody scent of musk and cedar. The aroma filled his nostrils sending him spiraling deeper still into memories that gripped him tight enough he swore they would leave marks on his skin. It was the smell of home, the feel of being in his fathers arms, the scent of his dads cologne, and the soft and subtle aroma of a good scotch. He longed to live these memories beyond the theatre of his mind.
Rinsing off, Austin quickly stepped out of the shower and wrapped himself in a plump bath sheet and headed back to his room to prepare for his day.
Walking over to his full length mirror, he let the towel unwrap itself and fall to the floor in a wet pile on the carpet. He was not a narcissist but he could not help but admire his form, the tightness of his arms and legs, the smooth almost silky appearance of his chest and abs. Flexing his muscular frame to its full potential, he was a vision of strength and power. Hardened muscles bulged as he flexed each arm. Satisfied, he made his way to his oversized walk in closet.
Austin was not obsessive compulsive, though you could certainly make a good argument that he was based on the almost military order in which his shirts and pants were sorted. First by colour and then by function. He had pants for all occasions ranging from formal to lounging around the house. His shirts were just as well organized.
Taking a quick stock of his attire, Austin chose a tan pair of chinos and a short-sleeve button down shirt in a soft almost pastel blue. He had work to do and it was imperative in his mind, that he dress for the occasion.
Walking out of the massive closet that housed his entire wardrobe, Austin made his way into the main part of his room and headed for the hallway. As he strode down the hall he paused only long enough to admire some of the prints that hung on his wall. A lover of nature and all it had to offer, Austin adorned his walls with prints from his two favourite nature artists, Carl Brenders and Robert Bateman. The prints he had chosen were focused on the pure and singular beauty of each subject. His most prized possession being a limited edition signed print by Brenders called, “Spellbound”. The print was a picture of a Lynx showing only its face. For Austin, it was the solemn and powerful imagery of its eyes that had attracted him. This hunting animal up close and personal with a clear and untainted view into the soul of this powerful creature. It was indeed love at first sight and it quicky became his favourite. Continuing down the hall, Austin reached his office.
His office was well appointed. A large mahogany desk sat central to the room well soft wall sconces provided an atmosphere of calm. The walls were painted mossy oak adding an element of earthiness to the room. Austin had selected a high quality Berber carpet for his floor. He liked the smooth and sensuous feel of it under his feet. Making his way to his desk, he tapped the light sensor for the interior lighting and took a seat in his black leather high back executive chair. The chair was custom made for his back and frame alone, and it hugged him perfectly. Reaching across the desk he turned on the computer and plasma monitor. As the system emitted the whirr and hum of life Austin turned on the radio and let the subtle sounds of Bach’s “Air” in C minor fill the room. Austin had taken the gentle sounds of the ocean tide breaking against the rocks and woven it into the musical genius of Bach creating a musical serenade that teased both the auditory and olfactory senses. At once, as if by magic, Austin could smell the briny scent of the ocean and the earthy smell of wet sand. It was sinfully delicious to indulge in such fantasies
“Identify Yourself” chimed the computer
Austin snapped out of his haze and looked at the computer. He had built in a voice recognition system to ward off would be hackers and computer thieves. So smart was the computer that anything other than the mellow tones of Austin’s voice would cause the system to immediately begin an irreversible process of burning the heads of the hard drive, rendering the entire contents useless.
“Austin McNichol” he said
“Standby” prompted the computer as it processed the voice against the pre-recorded version Austin had embedded
“Good Morning Mr. McNichol” said the computer as it completed its boot process
Tapping a button just under the desk, Austin launched the in house security system. A small screen rose slowly from the top of the desk well a small keypad unfolded from the screen. The keypad was of the touch screen variety and required validation before it could be used. Placing his thumb on the keypad reader, the screen blinked and the main menu appeared. From this little console, Austin could control almost every facet of the house, from security, to phones, to lights, to the intercom, anything he wanted. It was all at the press of a button.
As the computer finished booting, Austin accessed the perimeter cameras for the house and watched as he jumped from camera to camera. Each one was located in a strategically selected location to provide maximum security and viewing. No one could move in the house without being spotted and recorded.
All was well with the perimeter and Austin reclined into his chair. Looking up at the computer screen, he said “Computer, access email”
Without missing a beat, the computer accessed the required program and began the process of downloading whatever messages awaited his attention.
Austin preferred voice recognition over manual access because it allowed him to access whatever he needed from most places in the house, or at least wherever there was an access screen from which he could gain control of the computer.
It took only a matter of seconds for the email to arrive but the impact was far quicker, leaning forward in his chair, one piece of mail in particular had caught his attention. Yes, today was going to be unlike any other and the day had only begun.
Saturday, July 26, 2008
Where's Derry?
Okay so I have been REALLY REALLY bad lately. I have not been on here nearly enough to share with you the comings and goings of my day to day life. That is going to change...right now. I am going back to the daily entry format because this IS important to me and I want to keep this blog alive. Please dont give up on me!
So what has been new? Well, the nice thing is that not a lot has been new. Its actually nice to report that I am living the normal life...well, as normal as you can expect when your dating a guy and living the bi-life. I spend more and more of my weekends in Toronto doing the club scene with Caleb. I am actually becoming quite the club kid and its kind of funny, the transformation I seem to be going through. I feel like a caterpillar that has entered a cocoon and soon I will emerge some new and beautiful butterfly...hmmm, a butterfly, did you know they taste with their feet? Maybe I dont want to be a butterfly after all....let me think on that.
As for Caleb, he is doing well, he is still working, still giving money to my rents to have them hold on to it for him and I think he is honestly looking at maybe going to school and getting himself sorted out. Its funny, in the beginning everyone seemed to think that this guy was going to hurt me, break my heart or make me miserable and yet in him I have found who I really am. I am completely in touch with my inner self and feel more open and outgoing then I have at any other point in my life. I walk with him hand in hand, I kiss him in public and when we hit the gay community in Toronto I get to be more of who I am and I love it. Viva La Vida baby!!
So what else is new in Derry's life? Well, I have finally started to write a book and YES fellow readers, I will post each chapter on the blog for your reading pleasure/displeasure. I have always felt that I had a knack, a talent if you will with the written word and I have finally put finger to keyboard and have started to write my first novel. Chapter 1 is just being proofed and polished as we speak and should be up and online in a few days. What is the title of this page turner you ask? GREAT QUESTION, I have tentatively titled it, Dark Shadows Of The Heart
There is tons I am going to share over the next few entries including some of the more naughty posts I always thought I would avoid but frankly I just dont care anymore. I am who I am, I am what I am, and there is no reason for me not to be who I am and say it out loud. Does that mean I am no longer doing my charity/community work? Um, Hello? its me remember? I am still actively doing things in my community and there is so much to share about that too.
Sooooooo, I have been gone yes, but I am back now and better than ever. The best is yet to come so buckle up because this blog is about to get interesting!
LiveSTRONG!
So what has been new? Well, the nice thing is that not a lot has been new. Its actually nice to report that I am living the normal life...well, as normal as you can expect when your dating a guy and living the bi-life. I spend more and more of my weekends in Toronto doing the club scene with Caleb. I am actually becoming quite the club kid and its kind of funny, the transformation I seem to be going through. I feel like a caterpillar that has entered a cocoon and soon I will emerge some new and beautiful butterfly...hmmm, a butterfly, did you know they taste with their feet? Maybe I dont want to be a butterfly after all....let me think on that.
As for Caleb, he is doing well, he is still working, still giving money to my rents to have them hold on to it for him and I think he is honestly looking at maybe going to school and getting himself sorted out. Its funny, in the beginning everyone seemed to think that this guy was going to hurt me, break my heart or make me miserable and yet in him I have found who I really am. I am completely in touch with my inner self and feel more open and outgoing then I have at any other point in my life. I walk with him hand in hand, I kiss him in public and when we hit the gay community in Toronto I get to be more of who I am and I love it. Viva La Vida baby!!
So what else is new in Derry's life? Well, I have finally started to write a book and YES fellow readers, I will post each chapter on the blog for your reading pleasure/displeasure. I have always felt that I had a knack, a talent if you will with the written word and I have finally put finger to keyboard and have started to write my first novel. Chapter 1 is just being proofed and polished as we speak and should be up and online in a few days. What is the title of this page turner you ask? GREAT QUESTION, I have tentatively titled it, Dark Shadows Of The Heart
There is tons I am going to share over the next few entries including some of the more naughty posts I always thought I would avoid but frankly I just dont care anymore. I am who I am, I am what I am, and there is no reason for me not to be who I am and say it out loud. Does that mean I am no longer doing my charity/community work? Um, Hello? its me remember? I am still actively doing things in my community and there is so much to share about that too.
Sooooooo, I have been gone yes, but I am back now and better than ever. The best is yet to come so buckle up because this blog is about to get interesting!
LiveSTRONG!
Tuesday, July 8, 2008
No Air...No Air!
To be so close to someone that you swear that they are the air you breathe is an experience I never thought I would truly come to know or understand and yet as my relationship with Caleb deepens and grows I have come to know that feeling.
Don't get me wrong, I do have a life outside of him and we have our own separate interests and things that we like to do but when I am with him I just feel as though something in me is completed. I have talked to him about how he makes me feel and he feels the exact same way. Its something that just cant be described and yet I continue to try and find words that put it all in perspective.
One of the things that Caleb has done for me is open my eyes to the whole other world that exists in the gay community. On any given weekend you will now find us in downtown Toronto, at one club or another dancing and partying the night away with perfect strangers who strangely dont feel like strangers at all. It takes adjusting for sure, especially when some guy you dont even know puts his arms around you and runs his hands up and down your chest and such but yet remains completely respectful. Its not all that uncommon for the club to get so hot that you end up taking off a shirt or something and that just adds to the whole environment. I guess you could argue that I have become intoxicated by the lifestyle but I dont care...I love it plain and simple and I love it even more when Caleb is right there with me, moving himself to the rhythm of the sounds coming from the dance floor, beads of sweat sliding down his chest as he puts his arms up to me and pulls me in a little closer well some of the other people on the floor watch us. Its like another world, as if time and space have divided to allow the few hours we spend in this state of total and complete release to occur. Its in these moments that I wonder how I ever lived without him. He has opened me up to all of these new and exciting things and I just cant get enough of it.
When the night ends we end up walking out into the night air and even though its hot outside it feels cool in comparison to the heat of the club. The cool air rushes over me and its like a euphoria. I feel as though I am a totally different person from the one who drive down just hours earlier. In some respects I think I like the person I am coming out of the club more than the one who sits at home during the week, making out with his boyfriend, having wicked sex, and living for the next weekend adventure.
Caleb is the air that I breathe and I dont know how I would breathe without him...I use to think this was a problem but he feels the same way and that just makes me feel so much better.
Amazing how the deaf cancer riddled kid goes to being the hearing abled cancer free party monster in Toronto. I think I am finally living!
I chose the song "No Air" by Jordin Sparks for this entry because it just fits...
LiveSTRONG
Don't get me wrong, I do have a life outside of him and we have our own separate interests and things that we like to do but when I am with him I just feel as though something in me is completed. I have talked to him about how he makes me feel and he feels the exact same way. Its something that just cant be described and yet I continue to try and find words that put it all in perspective.
One of the things that Caleb has done for me is open my eyes to the whole other world that exists in the gay community. On any given weekend you will now find us in downtown Toronto, at one club or another dancing and partying the night away with perfect strangers who strangely dont feel like strangers at all. It takes adjusting for sure, especially when some guy you dont even know puts his arms around you and runs his hands up and down your chest and such but yet remains completely respectful. Its not all that uncommon for the club to get so hot that you end up taking off a shirt or something and that just adds to the whole environment. I guess you could argue that I have become intoxicated by the lifestyle but I dont care...I love it plain and simple and I love it even more when Caleb is right there with me, moving himself to the rhythm of the sounds coming from the dance floor, beads of sweat sliding down his chest as he puts his arms up to me and pulls me in a little closer well some of the other people on the floor watch us. Its like another world, as if time and space have divided to allow the few hours we spend in this state of total and complete release to occur. Its in these moments that I wonder how I ever lived without him. He has opened me up to all of these new and exciting things and I just cant get enough of it.
When the night ends we end up walking out into the night air and even though its hot outside it feels cool in comparison to the heat of the club. The cool air rushes over me and its like a euphoria. I feel as though I am a totally different person from the one who drive down just hours earlier. In some respects I think I like the person I am coming out of the club more than the one who sits at home during the week, making out with his boyfriend, having wicked sex, and living for the next weekend adventure.
Caleb is the air that I breathe and I dont know how I would breathe without him...I use to think this was a problem but he feels the same way and that just makes me feel so much better.
Amazing how the deaf cancer riddled kid goes to being the hearing abled cancer free party monster in Toronto. I think I am finally living!
I chose the song "No Air" by Jordin Sparks for this entry because it just fits...
LiveSTRONG
Monday, June 30, 2008
Toronto Pride 2008
I took a big step on the weekend and spent my entire weekend with Calen in Toronto for the love in that is Pride Weekend in Toronto.
My eyes were really opened wide to the colourful and exotic life that is the gay, bi, trans, lesbian community. So many costumes, floats, and people in one place. During the two days I was there I saw people in tight leather outfits, buttless chaps, collars and leashes and a hole boat load of just everyday people as well. It was truly amazing.
I count myself among the bisexual community though I have recently come under fire over that and have been told that there is no such thing as a bisexual. One apparently either likes taking it up the ass and is therefore gay or does not like it and is therefore straight. I happen to like being with Caleb but given that my experience with girls is limited and given that I have at times felt attracted to women, I have a hard time accepting that someone like me does not exist.
Anyway....during the two days we were there, we walked hand in hand, we stood in the middle of the street and exchanged slobber knocker kisses and for the first time in my short life, I felt totally free and accepted. There was no judgement to be found and I was loving it.
The evenings turned into two nights of the club scene. It was my first experience so this was all very new and exciting to me. We had little trouble getting in and once we were in, we were ALL IN!. It was late too mind you, probably closer to 10 before we walked in but the party was just jumping. I ended up in various portions of the dance floor with guys I had never met, some of whom were grinding with me well others simply reached down and put their hands on my package. It was scary at first but I soon realized it was just all part of the environment and the scene in general. For the most part, I stayed close to Caleb and we ended up doing things that I did not think one could do on a dance floor...NOT THAT you dirty minded people, I mean we got real close, took our shirts off, and just let loose.
The music was loud and hypnotic, the drinks were flowing freely from men we did not even know as they passed us bottles of beer and other drinks in an effort to keep the two of us dancing. At one point Caleb was on top of a speaker dancing away, his own hands groping parts of his body in an effort to excite the masses.
We did not end up leaving on either night until somewhere around 2 in the morning and in both cases we each had multiple offers for things ranging from various drugs, to sex parties. We just declined and made our way home.
So, Pride 2008 was an experience for me and one I am not soon going to forget I am sure. It was sexual awakening in some ways as well as a reminder that I am who I am and the more I experience it, the more I am sure that Caleb is the one. People talk about chemistry in a relationship and unless I was too drunk to know the difference, I would say that the chemistry those two nights between Caleb and I was bordering on nuclear.
For those who did not take in the parade, the culture, the atmosphere, and the fun, you really did miss out. It was not all about being an alternative lifestyle. It was about being who you are, being accepted and most importantly, it was about love!
LiveSTRONG
My eyes were really opened wide to the colourful and exotic life that is the gay, bi, trans, lesbian community. So many costumes, floats, and people in one place. During the two days I was there I saw people in tight leather outfits, buttless chaps, collars and leashes and a hole boat load of just everyday people as well. It was truly amazing.
I count myself among the bisexual community though I have recently come under fire over that and have been told that there is no such thing as a bisexual. One apparently either likes taking it up the ass and is therefore gay or does not like it and is therefore straight. I happen to like being with Caleb but given that my experience with girls is limited and given that I have at times felt attracted to women, I have a hard time accepting that someone like me does not exist.
Anyway....during the two days we were there, we walked hand in hand, we stood in the middle of the street and exchanged slobber knocker kisses and for the first time in my short life, I felt totally free and accepted. There was no judgement to be found and I was loving it.
The evenings turned into two nights of the club scene. It was my first experience so this was all very new and exciting to me. We had little trouble getting in and once we were in, we were ALL IN!. It was late too mind you, probably closer to 10 before we walked in but the party was just jumping. I ended up in various portions of the dance floor with guys I had never met, some of whom were grinding with me well others simply reached down and put their hands on my package. It was scary at first but I soon realized it was just all part of the environment and the scene in general. For the most part, I stayed close to Caleb and we ended up doing things that I did not think one could do on a dance floor...NOT THAT you dirty minded people, I mean we got real close, took our shirts off, and just let loose.
The music was loud and hypnotic, the drinks were flowing freely from men we did not even know as they passed us bottles of beer and other drinks in an effort to keep the two of us dancing. At one point Caleb was on top of a speaker dancing away, his own hands groping parts of his body in an effort to excite the masses.
We did not end up leaving on either night until somewhere around 2 in the morning and in both cases we each had multiple offers for things ranging from various drugs, to sex parties. We just declined and made our way home.
So, Pride 2008 was an experience for me and one I am not soon going to forget I am sure. It was sexual awakening in some ways as well as a reminder that I am who I am and the more I experience it, the more I am sure that Caleb is the one. People talk about chemistry in a relationship and unless I was too drunk to know the difference, I would say that the chemistry those two nights between Caleb and I was bordering on nuclear.
For those who did not take in the parade, the culture, the atmosphere, and the fun, you really did miss out. It was not all about being an alternative lifestyle. It was about being who you are, being accepted and most importantly, it was about love!
LiveSTRONG
Sunday, June 22, 2008
Who Am I?
When you have a disability like hearing loss or when your sick in a bad way like when your diagnosed with Cancer, suddenly you find that you define your life by your illness or your disability. It becomes a part of your personality, a part of who you are on a deeper level. The challenge really comes when you find yourself either cured of the disease or no longer disabled. Suddenly, all the things you thought you were are no longer relevant and you need to reinvent yourself.
This is the challenge I have been working through as of late and my reading from the LAF support materials tells me that this depression I seem to have hit is both normal and expected. You see, when you think you know your life and your situation and you spend a lot of time mentally accepting and preparing yourself for what you think is going to happen, you almost reach a sense of peace with where you are. Then suddenly someone picks up the snow globe that is your life and gives it a good shake and suddenly all the little flakes are no longer settled.
I once defined my life by my deafness. I became fully embedded in the deaf community and almost all my friends were deaf. I accepted that I was deaf and built my life around being a deaf male. Then I was told that I was a CI candidate and that changed everything. My life as I knew it was about to change in a HUGE way. We have already looked at that a while ago and so there is no need to rehash all that. Fact is, I had to change and the way I lived my life and the person I was had to change with it. I could deal with that and although I did have challenges both socially and personally with it, I managed.
The next thing I know I am being told I have Cancer of the brain stem and that I am not likely going to live beyond two years unless medical treatment is successful. We have all traveled through that part of my life and needless to say I prepared myself for what I thought was an unavoidable early exit from life. Fate once again intervened and things were once again turned on their ear. I had accepted what I thought was my fate and was fully prepared and at peace with death only to find out that things were going a very different direction.
So here I am. I have twice tried to build a life, a personality, a sense of self being only to have the proverbial carpet pulled out from underneath me. Now I find that I spend most of my days suffering from a sense of anxiety and panic, depression, and fear of what could happen next. Its weird, I am a very easy going and relaxed kind of person and lately a lot of little things have been setting me off, making me very angry in ways I never thought possible and I find it harder and harder to control that anger. I dont want to be angry, depressed, anxious, or paniced and yet I cant seem to stop it. Thank god for Caleb who seems to be my raft in this sea of madness but for how long can I expect him to be able to handle this? The only thing I know for sure is that I love him but the rest of my life is in total flux and in a sick and twisted way, I almost mourn the loss of being sick with Cancer because at least then I knew what to expect...I knew who I was.
I guess in some respects I just want to finally have peace in terms of defining who I am and where I fit into this world. Until I reach that point I think I am going to ask myself over and over again...Who Am I?
LiveSTRONG!
This is the challenge I have been working through as of late and my reading from the LAF support materials tells me that this depression I seem to have hit is both normal and expected. You see, when you think you know your life and your situation and you spend a lot of time mentally accepting and preparing yourself for what you think is going to happen, you almost reach a sense of peace with where you are. Then suddenly someone picks up the snow globe that is your life and gives it a good shake and suddenly all the little flakes are no longer settled.
I once defined my life by my deafness. I became fully embedded in the deaf community and almost all my friends were deaf. I accepted that I was deaf and built my life around being a deaf male. Then I was told that I was a CI candidate and that changed everything. My life as I knew it was about to change in a HUGE way. We have already looked at that a while ago and so there is no need to rehash all that. Fact is, I had to change and the way I lived my life and the person I was had to change with it. I could deal with that and although I did have challenges both socially and personally with it, I managed.
The next thing I know I am being told I have Cancer of the brain stem and that I am not likely going to live beyond two years unless medical treatment is successful. We have all traveled through that part of my life and needless to say I prepared myself for what I thought was an unavoidable early exit from life. Fate once again intervened and things were once again turned on their ear. I had accepted what I thought was my fate and was fully prepared and at peace with death only to find out that things were going a very different direction.
So here I am. I have twice tried to build a life, a personality, a sense of self being only to have the proverbial carpet pulled out from underneath me. Now I find that I spend most of my days suffering from a sense of anxiety and panic, depression, and fear of what could happen next. Its weird, I am a very easy going and relaxed kind of person and lately a lot of little things have been setting me off, making me very angry in ways I never thought possible and I find it harder and harder to control that anger. I dont want to be angry, depressed, anxious, or paniced and yet I cant seem to stop it. Thank god for Caleb who seems to be my raft in this sea of madness but for how long can I expect him to be able to handle this? The only thing I know for sure is that I love him but the rest of my life is in total flux and in a sick and twisted way, I almost mourn the loss of being sick with Cancer because at least then I knew what to expect...I knew who I was.
I guess in some respects I just want to finally have peace in terms of defining who I am and where I fit into this world. Until I reach that point I think I am going to ask myself over and over again...Who Am I?
LiveSTRONG!
Sunday, June 15, 2008
The Rules As I Know Them
I really must appologize for taking so long to make a new entry. The recovery process takes time and sometimes I find I dont have the energy to do everything I would like. Its getting much better however and I am happy to say I should be ready and able to make regular contributions again YAY!
So what to talk about today. Well, I think I am going to focus on the biggest thing I have learned in life thus far. I call them the 3 L's of my life. Let me explain...
I have learned that in order to make a life, one has to Live. Thats the first L. Live! I dont mean going about your day to day doing the same old thing. I mean really live. Splash in a puddle, skydive, pick up a bottle of wine at the LCBO that you have never tried before or do what I did on Saturday and go to a club with someone you love and play Lotto 649...which is what you do when you walk up to the bar and ask the bartender to pour you a drink using the 6th, 4th, and 9th bottle on the shelf. If you think you have done it all, you need to do that. I guess the point is, break out of your routine and stretch your legs, live a little and do something out of the ordinary. If you do this just once a week, you can have 52 days in the year in which you have really lived. I learned this lesson when someone told me, "Derry, its not that life is too short....its just that your dead for so long!". How true is that, life is not short folks, death is just very long. Now go LIVE!
The second thing I have learned is that one must Love! Thats right, Love someone or something so deeply, so passionately, that it becomes a part of your life. To go through life not having loved would be like going through a chocolate factory and never taking a bite. The danger in loving is that sometimes we lose what we love, but if you live in fear of losing what you love, then you never really live and we all know what happens when you dont live...simply see my note above! It has been said that "It is better to have loved and lost, then never to have loved at all". I agree and I think if you dont love someone or something deeply, you are letting a key component of life pass you by. Now, hopefully it is a someone that you love but if not, if thats just not in the cards for you, then find SOMETHING to love. Most importantly, never close the door on your options. Love happens when you least expect it. I never would have dreamed I would walk into a shelter, meet a GUY!!! and end up falling in love.
Lastly, I have learned that when everything looks like its at its darkest, that is when you need to Laugh! Its true...the worst thing to do when everything is going wrong is to dwell on it. Laugh instead...it takes more muscles to smile than it does to frown so why frown? I have learned through my own dark hours that sometimes the best thing to do is simply laugh. When you look up and see rock bottom, you know its time to laugh. The other option is to cry and one can only do that for so long, take my word on that. After the tears have been shed, after the anger over "why me" gives way, sometimes all you can do is laugh. How many times has something happened and we say to the person beside us, "One day, down the road, we are going to laugh about this". I say, WHY WAIT???? Laugh now, and laugh till you cry. Why dwell on the negative and wait to laugh later. Laugh right here right now. Heck, stop reading this and let out a deep belly shaking laugh and tell me you dont feel 100 times better, maybe a zillion times better.
As you can see, I have learned that the three keys to happyness are to Live, Love, and Laugh. When you can do all three, and do them well, your quality of life improves dramatically. My challenge to you today is to practice the three L's and then go out and teach just one person the same rules. If we all do this, what a wonderful world it could be!
LiveSTRONG!
So what to talk about today. Well, I think I am going to focus on the biggest thing I have learned in life thus far. I call them the 3 L's of my life. Let me explain...
I have learned that in order to make a life, one has to Live. Thats the first L. Live! I dont mean going about your day to day doing the same old thing. I mean really live. Splash in a puddle, skydive, pick up a bottle of wine at the LCBO that you have never tried before or do what I did on Saturday and go to a club with someone you love and play Lotto 649...which is what you do when you walk up to the bar and ask the bartender to pour you a drink using the 6th, 4th, and 9th bottle on the shelf. If you think you have done it all, you need to do that. I guess the point is, break out of your routine and stretch your legs, live a little and do something out of the ordinary. If you do this just once a week, you can have 52 days in the year in which you have really lived. I learned this lesson when someone told me, "Derry, its not that life is too short....its just that your dead for so long!". How true is that, life is not short folks, death is just very long. Now go LIVE!
The second thing I have learned is that one must Love! Thats right, Love someone or something so deeply, so passionately, that it becomes a part of your life. To go through life not having loved would be like going through a chocolate factory and never taking a bite. The danger in loving is that sometimes we lose what we love, but if you live in fear of losing what you love, then you never really live and we all know what happens when you dont live...simply see my note above! It has been said that "It is better to have loved and lost, then never to have loved at all". I agree and I think if you dont love someone or something deeply, you are letting a key component of life pass you by. Now, hopefully it is a someone that you love but if not, if thats just not in the cards for you, then find SOMETHING to love. Most importantly, never close the door on your options. Love happens when you least expect it. I never would have dreamed I would walk into a shelter, meet a GUY!!! and end up falling in love.
Lastly, I have learned that when everything looks like its at its darkest, that is when you need to Laugh! Its true...the worst thing to do when everything is going wrong is to dwell on it. Laugh instead...it takes more muscles to smile than it does to frown so why frown? I have learned through my own dark hours that sometimes the best thing to do is simply laugh. When you look up and see rock bottom, you know its time to laugh. The other option is to cry and one can only do that for so long, take my word on that. After the tears have been shed, after the anger over "why me" gives way, sometimes all you can do is laugh. How many times has something happened and we say to the person beside us, "One day, down the road, we are going to laugh about this". I say, WHY WAIT???? Laugh now, and laugh till you cry. Why dwell on the negative and wait to laugh later. Laugh right here right now. Heck, stop reading this and let out a deep belly shaking laugh and tell me you dont feel 100 times better, maybe a zillion times better.
As you can see, I have learned that the three keys to happyness are to Live, Love, and Laugh. When you can do all three, and do them well, your quality of life improves dramatically. My challenge to you today is to practice the three L's and then go out and teach just one person the same rules. If we all do this, what a wonderful world it could be!
LiveSTRONG!
Saturday, June 7, 2008
The Courage Of My Convictions
I have had a lot of time now to think and reflect on my situation and what I want to do going forward. I think the time is now to really step up and put some serious thought into what I want to do with the rest of my life.
Over the last few days I have given a lot of thought about applying to University to continue my education. I have decided that the best thing to do with my life now is to help people. I think the best way to do that is to go back to school and finish my education and then apply to Medical School. I have decided I want to be a pediatrician. I know that must seem like a really big stretch for the once deaf kid with brain cancer but the fact is I want to help the youngest members of our community and I want to specialize in children's cancer and be a pediatrician that serves as a cancer specialist.
I know first hand how scary it is to stare death right in the face, try not to blink, and then give him the finger as you fight for your life. I can think of no better service then to help those kids who are living what I lived first hand.
The more and more I think about it I realize that God gave me a second chance to live in grace and my motivation will be the gift that I have been given and the far too many children who suffer with this incredibly ruthless illness.
People have said that its a lot of studying, its a lot of financial burden, and its a lot of school but to that I say, I DONT CARE!!! This is what I need to do and what I want to do and when the workload seems too heavy, when the costs seem to high, when the stress is unbearable I will be able to reflect back on just how insignificant all of it is in the light of what I have already been through. Truth is, nothing is more stressful, more work, or more of a burden than the fight to beat Cancer. As far as I can see, University and Medical school should be a cakewalk in comparison.
Failure? Not an option...simply put. I WILL accomplish this goal and my motivation will be everything I have been through and the images of all those children who were in the ward with me, who I saw in the halls, who were hooked up to Chemo...those images, the suffering in their eyes, the look of courage and their desire to fight will be all the motivation I will need when it all seems to much to shoulder.
In their name, in their memory, and for myself, I will see this through so for all you people out there who think I am crazy for taking this on...I took on Cancer and I won...I LiveSTRONG and I WILL see this through...mark my words!
LiveSTRONG
Over the last few days I have given a lot of thought about applying to University to continue my education. I have decided that the best thing to do with my life now is to help people. I think the best way to do that is to go back to school and finish my education and then apply to Medical School. I have decided I want to be a pediatrician. I know that must seem like a really big stretch for the once deaf kid with brain cancer but the fact is I want to help the youngest members of our community and I want to specialize in children's cancer and be a pediatrician that serves as a cancer specialist.
I know first hand how scary it is to stare death right in the face, try not to blink, and then give him the finger as you fight for your life. I can think of no better service then to help those kids who are living what I lived first hand.
The more and more I think about it I realize that God gave me a second chance to live in grace and my motivation will be the gift that I have been given and the far too many children who suffer with this incredibly ruthless illness.
People have said that its a lot of studying, its a lot of financial burden, and its a lot of school but to that I say, I DONT CARE!!! This is what I need to do and what I want to do and when the workload seems too heavy, when the costs seem to high, when the stress is unbearable I will be able to reflect back on just how insignificant all of it is in the light of what I have already been through. Truth is, nothing is more stressful, more work, or more of a burden than the fight to beat Cancer. As far as I can see, University and Medical school should be a cakewalk in comparison.
Failure? Not an option...simply put. I WILL accomplish this goal and my motivation will be everything I have been through and the images of all those children who were in the ward with me, who I saw in the halls, who were hooked up to Chemo...those images, the suffering in their eyes, the look of courage and their desire to fight will be all the motivation I will need when it all seems to much to shoulder.
In their name, in their memory, and for myself, I will see this through so for all you people out there who think I am crazy for taking this on...I took on Cancer and I won...I LiveSTRONG and I WILL see this through...mark my words!
LiveSTRONG
Tuesday, June 3, 2008
The First Fight
They say that you will have many firsts in your life. A first love, a first kiss, a first sexual relationship, and a first broken heart, but they never said anything about a first fight.
Needless to say, and I am sure that it was bound to happen sooner or later, Caleb and I had our first official fight. It was stupid really. I got up this morning and got breakfast for both of us well he was in the shower. I made coffee and cooked up some eggs and toast. He comes into the dining room, sits down to eat with me and we get talking about his addiction program. Dont get me wrong, he goes and he goes religiously but I noticed that he has not seemed himself lately and I was a little worried. I tried to find out what was wrong and he kept saying nothing but my gut said there was something. I guessed I pushed too much because he eventually got angry and said that he was having trouble adjusting and that was what was bothering him. I got a little angry and worried and snapped back that I was doing my best to make him comfortable and from there it just escalated.
Eventually I decided enough was enough and I took off out of the house to get some air. I did not say anything I would regret later and neither did he thankfully. When I got home he was already gone for work and so I wont be able to talk to him until he gets off work tonight around 11 PM. Normally I visit him on his break but I wont do that tonight. I think its best that we let it ride until he gets home.
I have to say, I have fought with my family, I have fought with my parents and I have even fought with people who were nothing to me but I never felt this bad about it before. I really feel upset and it hurts to think that we fought over something. I guess it is to be expected that any relationship is going to have something like this happen sooner or later. I guess you just never really think about it until it happens.
Anyway, I thought I would blog about yet another one of my firsts and get the feedback of the masses on what I should or should not do going forward. I dont like to fight, I hate conflict and it really bothers me to know I may have hurt someone I love very much. Its tough being in love, especially when you only want to make the one you love happy.
I will let you know how it goes...as always, looking forward to your thoughts.
LiveSTRONG
Needless to say, and I am sure that it was bound to happen sooner or later, Caleb and I had our first official fight. It was stupid really. I got up this morning and got breakfast for both of us well he was in the shower. I made coffee and cooked up some eggs and toast. He comes into the dining room, sits down to eat with me and we get talking about his addiction program. Dont get me wrong, he goes and he goes religiously but I noticed that he has not seemed himself lately and I was a little worried. I tried to find out what was wrong and he kept saying nothing but my gut said there was something. I guessed I pushed too much because he eventually got angry and said that he was having trouble adjusting and that was what was bothering him. I got a little angry and worried and snapped back that I was doing my best to make him comfortable and from there it just escalated.
Eventually I decided enough was enough and I took off out of the house to get some air. I did not say anything I would regret later and neither did he thankfully. When I got home he was already gone for work and so I wont be able to talk to him until he gets off work tonight around 11 PM. Normally I visit him on his break but I wont do that tonight. I think its best that we let it ride until he gets home.
I have to say, I have fought with my family, I have fought with my parents and I have even fought with people who were nothing to me but I never felt this bad about it before. I really feel upset and it hurts to think that we fought over something. I guess it is to be expected that any relationship is going to have something like this happen sooner or later. I guess you just never really think about it until it happens.
Anyway, I thought I would blog about yet another one of my firsts and get the feedback of the masses on what I should or should not do going forward. I dont like to fight, I hate conflict and it really bothers me to know I may have hurt someone I love very much. Its tough being in love, especially when you only want to make the one you love happy.
I will let you know how it goes...as always, looking forward to your thoughts.
LiveSTRONG
Saturday, May 31, 2008
The Return To Innocence
When your hearing music for the very first time it is really unavoidable that you are going to trip across a song that has been out in general circulation forever but is really something very new and special just for you. This happens to me a lot as I find my understanding and breadth of musical catalogue expanding. A classic example of this very situation happened to me last night.
I was sitting at the computer watching some stuff on Youtube and this song came on the radio. It started with some of the most beautiful, what I think was native Indian, chanting that I have ever heard. I had to listen to the whole thing. The song then changed and broke into a more modern sound and the singer began to sing the lyrics. I took a stab at the title by listening to the song and found it was called, “Return To Innocence” by a group called Enigma. I googled the lyrics and found the video on Youtube.
After watching it three or four times I decided it was going to be one of my favourite songs. The lyrics are simple, the sound is deliciously complex weaving chanting with more modern sound. A few of the lyrics in the song really struck me as powerful, they conveyed a message to me that really felt universal. Here is one of them:
Dont be afraid to be weak
Dont be too proud to be strong
Just look into your heart my friend
That will be the return to yourself
The return to innocence
To me, this is a very poweful message. Don’t be afraid to be weak, don’t be proud to be strong. How badly do we all long to return to a state of total innocence in this world. We now live in a world where war, killing, and death are the stories that grab the headlines and our interest. If only we could return to a state of innocence.
The song continued and another set of lyrics struck me, and I showed them to Caleb because to me, they spoke directly to what it is he is going through with his recovery from addiction. They were:
If you want, then start to laugh
If you must, then start to cry
Be yourself dont hide
Just believe in destiny
Dont care what people say
Just follow your own way
Dont give up and use the chance
To return to innocence
Again, how powerful these words are and when you hear them sung with the emotion that I can not convey in this blog, you really do begin to understand just how very moving this song really is.
I have been accused of being oversensitive to these things and perhaps relying far to much on music to tell the story. I disagree. Music is just another form of art and art imitates life. I am not sure what year this song was produced but I do know that its meaning still holds water today. When I was given the chance to survive Cancer and live to tell, I was essentially given the chance to return to a heightened state of grace…I was given the chance to return to innocence. Can you do the same?
LiveSTRONG!
I was sitting at the computer watching some stuff on Youtube and this song came on the radio. It started with some of the most beautiful, what I think was native Indian, chanting that I have ever heard. I had to listen to the whole thing. The song then changed and broke into a more modern sound and the singer began to sing the lyrics. I took a stab at the title by listening to the song and found it was called, “Return To Innocence” by a group called Enigma. I googled the lyrics and found the video on Youtube.
After watching it three or four times I decided it was going to be one of my favourite songs. The lyrics are simple, the sound is deliciously complex weaving chanting with more modern sound. A few of the lyrics in the song really struck me as powerful, they conveyed a message to me that really felt universal. Here is one of them:
Dont be afraid to be weak
Dont be too proud to be strong
Just look into your heart my friend
That will be the return to yourself
The return to innocence
To me, this is a very poweful message. Don’t be afraid to be weak, don’t be proud to be strong. How badly do we all long to return to a state of total innocence in this world. We now live in a world where war, killing, and death are the stories that grab the headlines and our interest. If only we could return to a state of innocence.
The song continued and another set of lyrics struck me, and I showed them to Caleb because to me, they spoke directly to what it is he is going through with his recovery from addiction. They were:
If you want, then start to laugh
If you must, then start to cry
Be yourself dont hide
Just believe in destiny
Dont care what people say
Just follow your own way
Dont give up and use the chance
To return to innocence
Again, how powerful these words are and when you hear them sung with the emotion that I can not convey in this blog, you really do begin to understand just how very moving this song really is.
I have been accused of being oversensitive to these things and perhaps relying far to much on music to tell the story. I disagree. Music is just another form of art and art imitates life. I am not sure what year this song was produced but I do know that its meaning still holds water today. When I was given the chance to survive Cancer and live to tell, I was essentially given the chance to return to a heightened state of grace…I was given the chance to return to innocence. Can you do the same?
LiveSTRONG!
Wednesday, May 28, 2008
In This Moment
A while ago I posted a blog called Praying For Time. I was at a point where I was just hoping and praying that I would get more time out of this life. I was sure that I was going to be moving on without ceremony. Then things changed for the better and I was given a second chance to be here.
I keep thinking about that fact and how things change. Much like the seasons, one thing often leads to another. It was not until I watched back the taped American Idol Finale that I heard a song that made me feel the way "Praying For Time" did. There I was watching the show, hoping against all odds that David A was going to take the whole ball of wax. As I sat there, it happened. Out came David A and he began to sing an original song. Apparently one of the three songs the contestants had to sing was an original song written through the song writing competition. David A chose a beautiful reflective ballad called, "In This Moment" and I was hooked. The song is the perfect polar opposite to what I was feeling when I heard, "Praying For Time". There is this one portion of the song in which David sings, "Now that I know what it's like to be living in this beautiful world and never stop giving, I can't return to a life with no vision, born into eyes not by my own decision"
That when it hit me that things are now very different for me. I cant go back to the way things were because I need to keep moving forward. I now know what it is like to be living in this world and I can see just how beautiful a gift it is to have life.
For all the things that made me sad and reflective in "Praying For Time", "In This Moment" gives me all kinds of reasons to be happy and forward thinking.
I have been given the gift of life and as I heal and get stronger and learn to be part of the Yellow Army that fights for the cure and helps those who are still stricken with this awful disease, I feel for the first time that I am truly living and the future finally looks bright.
For those of you who have never seen this song or missed David A performing it, please watch this Youtube video of it. If "Praying For Time" moved you, "In This Moment" will give you a sense of direction and stability. It really is exactly what I am feeling at this moment!
LiveSTRONG
I keep thinking about that fact and how things change. Much like the seasons, one thing often leads to another. It was not until I watched back the taped American Idol Finale that I heard a song that made me feel the way "Praying For Time" did. There I was watching the show, hoping against all odds that David A was going to take the whole ball of wax. As I sat there, it happened. Out came David A and he began to sing an original song. Apparently one of the three songs the contestants had to sing was an original song written through the song writing competition. David A chose a beautiful reflective ballad called, "In This Moment" and I was hooked. The song is the perfect polar opposite to what I was feeling when I heard, "Praying For Time". There is this one portion of the song in which David sings, "Now that I know what it's like to be living in this beautiful world and never stop giving, I can't return to a life with no vision, born into eyes not by my own decision"
That when it hit me that things are now very different for me. I cant go back to the way things were because I need to keep moving forward. I now know what it is like to be living in this world and I can see just how beautiful a gift it is to have life.
For all the things that made me sad and reflective in "Praying For Time", "In This Moment" gives me all kinds of reasons to be happy and forward thinking.
I have been given the gift of life and as I heal and get stronger and learn to be part of the Yellow Army that fights for the cure and helps those who are still stricken with this awful disease, I feel for the first time that I am truly living and the future finally looks bright.
For those of you who have never seen this song or missed David A performing it, please watch this Youtube video of it. If "Praying For Time" moved you, "In This Moment" will give you a sense of direction and stability. It really is exactly what I am feeling at this moment!
LiveSTRONG
Monday, May 26, 2008
Getting My Bearings
I have been sitting at home for the last little while, trying to get myself back to normal and I was thinking the other day about how much things have changed in the last little while. In the last few months I have watched my Bisexual boyfriend move in with us, I have gone from being cancer riddled to cancer free, Caleb is now working part time and agreeing to hand over half his cheque to my rents for them to put in a savings account to help him get organized and save some money, I have lost my virginity, and my family seems to be tighter than ever.
I am not an overly religious person and I dont preach religion to anyone and I certainly dont push my beliefs on anyone at any time however, I do feel blessed. I could not have imagined all this good coming about in such a short time. How lucky I am to have so very much going right for me. I almost worry that its a dream and I am going to wake up to find that none of it is real and yet that moment has not come yet.
On the recovery front, I am still tired a lot, but I go out more now and walking is really helping me to get my head clear and balanced. I still cant stay on the computer for long periods of time because I get headaches and all kinds of other problems right along with it but that is supposed to get better in time.
I guess for now I dont have a lot to report. In due time I will talk more about the procedure, the recovery process and all that good stuff but for now, I think I am just going to lay and lazily enjoy the dream like feeling I now enjoy.
Till later,
LiveSTRONG
I am not an overly religious person and I dont preach religion to anyone and I certainly dont push my beliefs on anyone at any time however, I do feel blessed. I could not have imagined all this good coming about in such a short time. How lucky I am to have so very much going right for me. I almost worry that its a dream and I am going to wake up to find that none of it is real and yet that moment has not come yet.
On the recovery front, I am still tired a lot, but I go out more now and walking is really helping me to get my head clear and balanced. I still cant stay on the computer for long periods of time because I get headaches and all kinds of other problems right along with it but that is supposed to get better in time.
I guess for now I dont have a lot to report. In due time I will talk more about the procedure, the recovery process and all that good stuff but for now, I think I am just going to lay and lazily enjoy the dream like feeling I now enjoy.
Till later,
LiveSTRONG
Friday, May 23, 2008
Learning To Live Again
Its a funny thing when you go from expecting the worst in life to suddenly finding yourself able to expect so very much more. A few months ago I was not sure I was going to make it two more years and now I find myself wondering what to do with the rest of what looks like a long and very normal life. Its weird how you almost end up lost. I sit here not sure of what I want to do. All of a sudden I have choices I can and need to make and I am not sure what to do. Lets explore that.
I have always wanted to be a pediatrician. I want to be a kids doctor. Its not that I dont think I have the talent or the brains to do it because I think that I do. Now it is just a question of what I think I am meant to do. That is the real issue here. A while ago I never thought I had a chance. I thought everything was done for me, plotted out and set in stone. Now all of a sudden I find myself unsure of what I am meant to do on this earth. Why was I spared when so many others are not given that chance. That is the burden I carry now. I need to figure out why I was chosen to have a second chance at life and what am I supposed to do with that second chance?
We all go about our daily lives doing what we think is best. We dont ever stop and think to ourselves, what if this was the last day I had on earth. What impact could I make? what would my legacy be? what would people say about me if I was suddenly gone.
Today, Now, as I lay at home and recover, as my brain heals, as the scars cover up the incisions, as I take a fearless inventory of who I am, I ask myself, what am I meant to do now? What is the role I am meant to play in the bigger scheme of things? Was I spared because I am meant to do something more than I have done already? So may questions and it makes my head hurt. I know I have been given a second chance at life and I have no idea why. What I do know is that I am one of the few people who gets the chance to do it all over again. If you were given such a chance what would you do?
Time to take that inventory and do some soul searching...time to find my place in this world, whatever it is.
LiveSTRONG!
I have always wanted to be a pediatrician. I want to be a kids doctor. Its not that I dont think I have the talent or the brains to do it because I think that I do. Now it is just a question of what I think I am meant to do. That is the real issue here. A while ago I never thought I had a chance. I thought everything was done for me, plotted out and set in stone. Now all of a sudden I find myself unsure of what I am meant to do on this earth. Why was I spared when so many others are not given that chance. That is the burden I carry now. I need to figure out why I was chosen to have a second chance at life and what am I supposed to do with that second chance?
We all go about our daily lives doing what we think is best. We dont ever stop and think to ourselves, what if this was the last day I had on earth. What impact could I make? what would my legacy be? what would people say about me if I was suddenly gone.
Today, Now, as I lay at home and recover, as my brain heals, as the scars cover up the incisions, as I take a fearless inventory of who I am, I ask myself, what am I meant to do now? What is the role I am meant to play in the bigger scheme of things? Was I spared because I am meant to do something more than I have done already? So may questions and it makes my head hurt. I know I have been given a second chance at life and I have no idea why. What I do know is that I am one of the few people who gets the chance to do it all over again. If you were given such a chance what would you do?
Time to take that inventory and do some soul searching...time to find my place in this world, whatever it is.
LiveSTRONG!
Wednesday, May 21, 2008
Homecoming
I don't know where to start with this entry. I am home again after two long weeks in hospital and after living through the most intense surgical procedure I have ever had. There is a lot I want to talk about but I need time. I am tired most of the time and I have some pretty wicked headaches at times so its tough to sit here and type and share all kinds of stuff.
I think what I will do is thank everyone who comes here, reads this blog, and shows their support for me in one way or another. I may never get to know any of you but I feel as though you are a deep and integral part of my life. Your support and prayers have been the raft in which I navigated the sea of madness that was/is my life.
First off to Caleb who has been my rock through all this. Who would ever have thought that you could handle all this madness with the grace and calm of a champion. I had no idea you had such internal strength. Many would have up and abandoned me knowing that there were much easier relationships out there and yet you stayed and held my hand through it all. Your my champion.
Zach. I can honestly say without a doubt that had you not kept pushing back about going to chemo I may have never gone back and therefore I may not have been here now or later for that matter. I wanted to stop the chemo and just let it all go and you would have no part of it. In your own special way you pushed me hard to go back and in turn you saved my life. I cant and wont ever forget that. Your a special person and your influence on this world will be tremendous if you believe in yourself.
To my family. Family is the heart of the house. You are my heart and soul, and your support and prayers during this whole experience has been more than anyone could ever ask for. A man is a rich man when he has family like you.
To the people who write in and spend their time reading the ramblings of this kid from Kitchener and then take time to post your thoughts. THANK YOU. You keep me motivated and you are the reason I keep this thing going. It would be so easy to just stop and not bother but knowing that you all come here and read and share in my experiences moves me in a way I simply can not put into words other than to say THANK YOU!
Over the next bit I will talk about my hospital experience and the emotion of going from being slated to die to being cancer free. Cancer free...never thought I would type that and here I am.
Thank you everyone!
LiveSTRONG!
I think what I will do is thank everyone who comes here, reads this blog, and shows their support for me in one way or another. I may never get to know any of you but I feel as though you are a deep and integral part of my life. Your support and prayers have been the raft in which I navigated the sea of madness that was/is my life.
First off to Caleb who has been my rock through all this. Who would ever have thought that you could handle all this madness with the grace and calm of a champion. I had no idea you had such internal strength. Many would have up and abandoned me knowing that there were much easier relationships out there and yet you stayed and held my hand through it all. Your my champion.
Zach. I can honestly say without a doubt that had you not kept pushing back about going to chemo I may have never gone back and therefore I may not have been here now or later for that matter. I wanted to stop the chemo and just let it all go and you would have no part of it. In your own special way you pushed me hard to go back and in turn you saved my life. I cant and wont ever forget that. Your a special person and your influence on this world will be tremendous if you believe in yourself.
To my family. Family is the heart of the house. You are my heart and soul, and your support and prayers during this whole experience has been more than anyone could ever ask for. A man is a rich man when he has family like you.
To the people who write in and spend their time reading the ramblings of this kid from Kitchener and then take time to post your thoughts. THANK YOU. You keep me motivated and you are the reason I keep this thing going. It would be so easy to just stop and not bother but knowing that you all come here and read and share in my experiences moves me in a way I simply can not put into words other than to say THANK YOU!
Over the next bit I will talk about my hospital experience and the emotion of going from being slated to die to being cancer free. Cancer free...never thought I would type that and here I am.
Thank you everyone!
LiveSTRONG!
Monday, May 19, 2008
Welcome Home Derry!
Hey Babe
I am not so good at this kinda thing so I thought I would post a welcome home note for you.
I knew when I met you that you were somethin special. When you walked into the shelter and I just knew there was somethin special bout you. Then I got to know you. Started over hugs and conversation until I finally kissed ya and you know you totally kissed me back but however you wanna make it out is cool. Then I got to know you more and I started to fall in love with ya. Yer rents opened their home to me and my life changed in a big way. No one has ever been as cool to me as you and yer family. You looked past my broken past and my stupid drug addiction shit and hung with me. I looked past yer Cancer and yer hearing issues and hung with you. You gave me the super honour of bein the one to make you shine and with that one big day I got to feel a kinda love that I never felt before and I am so wound that I got to have that with you. Then came the surgery and the thing was we knew you were gonna make it cuz like you said, we dont say goodbye. I never felt so close to someone like I do with you and yer like the biggest thing in my life. I dunno how I ever got by before you found me and I found you.
Aight gettin way too emotional but yeah you know its true and you know that now yer comin home to stay I am gonna be yer great protector and keep all the bad things away.
I got one word for ya and you had to know its comin...time for a...yup....SLOBBERKNOCKER!
Aight so yeah, I heard this song on the radio and I wanna make it for you Derry cuz its just like everything I wanna say but am just too dumb to be able to. Its called, "If I Didn't Have You"
I don't know what I was thinking
'Til I was thinking of you
I don't remember a thing before I opened my eyes
And you came into view
I don't know what I was doing
When there was nothing to do
Must've been waiting for someone, baby
Now I can see - I was waiting for you
I'd give up my sight just to see you
I'd beg, I would borrow and steal
I'd cut off my hands just to touch you
And tear out my heart so you'd know how I feel
There's nowhere that I wouldn't follow
There's nothing that I wouldn't do
'Cause I wouldn't wanna be me
If I didn't have you
Driving myself to distraction
Until you got in my way
I was just whistling Dixie 'til
you struck up the band
And they started to play
I don't know how I was living
Until you came in my life
I always knew there was something wrong
Then you came along
Baby, you made it right
I was alone in the silence
'Til I was hearing your voice
I couldn't see my way clear until
you parted the clouds
And you gave me a choice
I couldn't pick up the pieces
'Til I was falling apart
I didn't know I was bleeding
'Til your love fixed this hole,
baby, here in my heart
I'd give up my sight just to see you
I'd beg, I would borrow and steal
I'd cut off my hands just to touch you
And tear out my heart so you'd know how I feel
There's nowhere that I wouldn't follow
There's no place that I'd rather be
This life without you would be hollow
This love is a gift, and you gave it to me
All that I am, you have made me
And baby, I know that it's true
I'd give it all up in a heartbeat
Just to spend every moment with you
There's no place that I wouldn't follow
There's nothing that I wouldn't do
'Cause I wouldn't wanna be me
If I didn't have you
Love you Derry!
I am not so good at this kinda thing so I thought I would post a welcome home note for you.
I knew when I met you that you were somethin special. When you walked into the shelter and I just knew there was somethin special bout you. Then I got to know you. Started over hugs and conversation until I finally kissed ya and you know you totally kissed me back but however you wanna make it out is cool. Then I got to know you more and I started to fall in love with ya. Yer rents opened their home to me and my life changed in a big way. No one has ever been as cool to me as you and yer family. You looked past my broken past and my stupid drug addiction shit and hung with me. I looked past yer Cancer and yer hearing issues and hung with you. You gave me the super honour of bein the one to make you shine and with that one big day I got to feel a kinda love that I never felt before and I am so wound that I got to have that with you. Then came the surgery and the thing was we knew you were gonna make it cuz like you said, we dont say goodbye. I never felt so close to someone like I do with you and yer like the biggest thing in my life. I dunno how I ever got by before you found me and I found you.
Aight gettin way too emotional but yeah you know its true and you know that now yer comin home to stay I am gonna be yer great protector and keep all the bad things away.
I got one word for ya and you had to know its comin...time for a...yup....SLOBBERKNOCKER!
Aight so yeah, I heard this song on the radio and I wanna make it for you Derry cuz its just like everything I wanna say but am just too dumb to be able to. Its called, "If I Didn't Have You"
I don't know what I was thinking
'Til I was thinking of you
I don't remember a thing before I opened my eyes
And you came into view
I don't know what I was doing
When there was nothing to do
Must've been waiting for someone, baby
Now I can see - I was waiting for you
I'd give up my sight just to see you
I'd beg, I would borrow and steal
I'd cut off my hands just to touch you
And tear out my heart so you'd know how I feel
There's nowhere that I wouldn't follow
There's nothing that I wouldn't do
'Cause I wouldn't wanna be me
If I didn't have you
Driving myself to distraction
Until you got in my way
I was just whistling Dixie 'til
you struck up the band
And they started to play
I don't know how I was living
Until you came in my life
I always knew there was something wrong
Then you came along
Baby, you made it right
I was alone in the silence
'Til I was hearing your voice
I couldn't see my way clear until
you parted the clouds
And you gave me a choice
I couldn't pick up the pieces
'Til I was falling apart
I didn't know I was bleeding
'Til your love fixed this hole,
baby, here in my heart
I'd give up my sight just to see you
I'd beg, I would borrow and steal
I'd cut off my hands just to touch you
And tear out my heart so you'd know how I feel
There's nowhere that I wouldn't follow
There's no place that I'd rather be
This life without you would be hollow
This love is a gift, and you gave it to me
All that I am, you have made me
And baby, I know that it's true
I'd give it all up in a heartbeat
Just to spend every moment with you
There's no place that I wouldn't follow
There's nothing that I wouldn't do
'Cause I wouldn't wanna be me
If I didn't have you
Love you Derry!
Sunday, May 18, 2008
Derry Recovery Update 5
Aight everyone, this is gonna be the last post from me till the big guy gets back home. I know I have been kinda shitty at postin as well as he does so yeah its prolly best that he is takin over again. I just dont really know what to say half the time so yeah I just try to save some stuff up and post it.
Okay so the last few days were kinda eventful. The docs gave Derry some kinda medication that he needed to have and he had a wicked reaction to it and started havin severe seizures, he was foamin at the mouth, eyes rolled back, all seizing up and shit and twice his heart stopped and they had to put those shocking things on em. They got him back and started dosin him up with some kinda anti-seizure shit and he settled down. They said it was a serious reaction to one of the meds in his IV bag but they knew what it was and were changing the meds. Today he was fine and I asked him if he remembered any of it and he said he didn't really remember anything. I told him he was like dead twice cuz his heart had stopped and he just kept sayin he had no clue so yeah I dunno, it freaked the shit outta me cuz I thought we were gonna lose him and to have it happen twice I was like, HOLY SHIT do something and I was practically yelling at them to do shit.
Anyway, talkin to him today he is good. We are bringin him some clothes tomorrow for his big day on Tuesday when he gets to come home again. He is really excited but nervous too cuz he has been away and he kinda worries that he is still a little unsure about himself getting around but I am gonna be home with him to keep an eye on him and stuff.
So yeah, he is doin amazing, scans are lookin good, I wont talk much bout that cuz I know he wants to talk about it and stuff but just a hint, they look good so you do the math LOL.
Aight so he will be back and postin on Tuesday and he says hello to everyone and wants me to tell you that he misses bein on here and postin and stuff.
Okay so thats it for me. I hope everyone is not bored with my posting and stuff and thanks for readin what I had to say and stuff.
I am gonna post one more time tomorrow but its gonna be a special one just for my boy Derry!
Peace out everyone!
Okay so the last few days were kinda eventful. The docs gave Derry some kinda medication that he needed to have and he had a wicked reaction to it and started havin severe seizures, he was foamin at the mouth, eyes rolled back, all seizing up and shit and twice his heart stopped and they had to put those shocking things on em. They got him back and started dosin him up with some kinda anti-seizure shit and he settled down. They said it was a serious reaction to one of the meds in his IV bag but they knew what it was and were changing the meds. Today he was fine and I asked him if he remembered any of it and he said he didn't really remember anything. I told him he was like dead twice cuz his heart had stopped and he just kept sayin he had no clue so yeah I dunno, it freaked the shit outta me cuz I thought we were gonna lose him and to have it happen twice I was like, HOLY SHIT do something and I was practically yelling at them to do shit.
Anyway, talkin to him today he is good. We are bringin him some clothes tomorrow for his big day on Tuesday when he gets to come home again. He is really excited but nervous too cuz he has been away and he kinda worries that he is still a little unsure about himself getting around but I am gonna be home with him to keep an eye on him and stuff.
So yeah, he is doin amazing, scans are lookin good, I wont talk much bout that cuz I know he wants to talk about it and stuff but just a hint, they look good so you do the math LOL.
Aight so he will be back and postin on Tuesday and he says hello to everyone and wants me to tell you that he misses bein on here and postin and stuff.
Okay so thats it for me. I hope everyone is not bored with my posting and stuff and thanks for readin what I had to say and stuff.
I am gonna post one more time tomorrow but its gonna be a special one just for my boy Derry!
Peace out everyone!
Wednesday, May 14, 2008
Derry Recovery Update 4
Aight so yeah time to get another update up.
Um so yesterday was LiveSTRONG day and I hope everyone put on their yellow and showed support. It was an important day for Derry and he had his yellow LiveSTRONG band on and I was wearing my yellow shirt, yellow shorts, wristband, and I even had a yellow hat so yeah, I looked like freakin Big Bird but it was cool.
Okay so Derry has been moved from the ICU and is now on a regular floor. He may only be there another 5 days cuz they say he is doing amazing and they think he could be home just after the weekend, like maybe Tuesday or something. I am really excited for him.
They have removed most of the tubes and stuff and now he has just the heart monitor thingy and the IV which I think does the pain meds and the antibiotics and all that stuff.
Derry hates the hospital and wants to come home, he misses everyone and is sick of the food which I cant blame him cuz it sucks ass. He has been up and walkin round too but he cant go all that far yet but he is up anyway and they took out some tube from his pee pee so he can go on his own now. no idea what the hell it was but it was supposed to make it so he did not have to get up. That thing had to be out and the breathing tube and other things before they would let him go to the regular floor.
Aight so yeah, he is doin amazing and they say he is lookin good on paper so yeah like I said, could be home Tuesday afternoon or somethin.
Aight so for the person who posted all that stuff, I am not an addict anymore. I am recovering and I dont use drugs no more. I am also not leavin Derry for nothin so yeah you can pitch that bullshit. I dunno if anyone knows what recovery is all about so my contribution today is gonna be the 12 steps. In AA they have the same 12 steps but they also use em for addicts too cuz its like all the same alcohol, drugs, whatever the addiction the same things apply. So yeah, this list is on a little card that I have to carry with me wherever I go cuz thats the rules.
Anyway, here is the 12 steps and I wont tell you which one I am on cuz its confidential but yeah I gotta do all 12
:: The 12 Steps :::
1: We admitted we were powerless over drugs--that our lives had become unmanageable.
2: Came to believe that a Power greater than ourselves could restore us to sanity.
3: Made a decision to turn our will and our lives over to the care of God as we understood Him.
4: Made a searching and fearless moral inventory of ourselves.
5: Admitted to God, to ourselves and to another human being the exact nature of our wrongs.
6: Were entirely ready to have God remove all these defects of character.
7: Humbly asked Him to remove our shortcomings.
8: Made a list of all persons we had harmed, and became willing to make amends to them all.
9: Made direct amends to such people wherever possible, except when to do so would injure them or others.
10: Continued to take personal inventory and when we were wrong promptly admitted it.
11: Sought through prayer and meditation to improve our conscious contact with God, as we understood Him, praying only for knowledge of His will for us and the power to carry that out.
12: Having had a spiritual awakening as the result of these steps, we tried to carry this message to addicts, and to practice these principles in all our affairs.
Um so yesterday was LiveSTRONG day and I hope everyone put on their yellow and showed support. It was an important day for Derry and he had his yellow LiveSTRONG band on and I was wearing my yellow shirt, yellow shorts, wristband, and I even had a yellow hat so yeah, I looked like freakin Big Bird but it was cool.
Okay so Derry has been moved from the ICU and is now on a regular floor. He may only be there another 5 days cuz they say he is doing amazing and they think he could be home just after the weekend, like maybe Tuesday or something. I am really excited for him.
They have removed most of the tubes and stuff and now he has just the heart monitor thingy and the IV which I think does the pain meds and the antibiotics and all that stuff.
Derry hates the hospital and wants to come home, he misses everyone and is sick of the food which I cant blame him cuz it sucks ass. He has been up and walkin round too but he cant go all that far yet but he is up anyway and they took out some tube from his pee pee so he can go on his own now. no idea what the hell it was but it was supposed to make it so he did not have to get up. That thing had to be out and the breathing tube and other things before they would let him go to the regular floor.
Aight so yeah, he is doin amazing and they say he is lookin good on paper so yeah like I said, could be home Tuesday afternoon or somethin.
Aight so for the person who posted all that stuff, I am not an addict anymore. I am recovering and I dont use drugs no more. I am also not leavin Derry for nothin so yeah you can pitch that bullshit. I dunno if anyone knows what recovery is all about so my contribution today is gonna be the 12 steps. In AA they have the same 12 steps but they also use em for addicts too cuz its like all the same alcohol, drugs, whatever the addiction the same things apply. So yeah, this list is on a little card that I have to carry with me wherever I go cuz thats the rules.
Anyway, here is the 12 steps and I wont tell you which one I am on cuz its confidential but yeah I gotta do all 12
:: The 12 Steps :::
1: We admitted we were powerless over drugs--that our lives had become unmanageable.
2: Came to believe that a Power greater than ourselves could restore us to sanity.
3: Made a decision to turn our will and our lives over to the care of God as we understood Him.
4: Made a searching and fearless moral inventory of ourselves.
5: Admitted to God, to ourselves and to another human being the exact nature of our wrongs.
6: Were entirely ready to have God remove all these defects of character.
7: Humbly asked Him to remove our shortcomings.
8: Made a list of all persons we had harmed, and became willing to make amends to them all.
9: Made direct amends to such people wherever possible, except when to do so would injure them or others.
10: Continued to take personal inventory and when we were wrong promptly admitted it.
11: Sought through prayer and meditation to improve our conscious contact with God, as we understood Him, praying only for knowledge of His will for us and the power to carry that out.
12: Having had a spiritual awakening as the result of these steps, we tried to carry this message to addicts, and to practice these principles in all our affairs.
Sunday, May 11, 2008
Derry Recovery Update 3
Aight sorry yall for takin so long to get you an update. I am kinda lost about postin stuff on here so yeah here ya go.
The weekend has been good for Derry. His stats are comin along great, he is in less pain everyday and he is much more alert and cuttin us all up which means he is doin great. I still cant get him to curse in front of his rents (must be the damn soap incident hauntin him) but he is tellin jokes and laughin and doin all the normal stuff. He hates the hospital food which I dont blame him cuz its shit and he misses everyone that he blogs to and talks to so yeah, he is thinkin of you all.
He is supposed to move from ICU on Wed and then to a regular floor and he will be there for 1 week and then comin home so long as his stats stay good and stuff and he continues to get better kinda thing. He has no side effects other than headaches and so far its all lookin good.
I have told him what everyone has been tellin me to tell him and he says that he misses everyone and hopes everyone is good and stuff. He sends special hello's to the regulars on the blog and the people at the SIMHL.
Aight so here is my contribution to the blog for today
THIS IS WHAT I WOULD DO FOR MY BOY DERRY:
GIVE HIM ONE OF MY T-SHIRTS TO SLEEP IN.
LEAVE HIM CUTE TEXT NOTES
KISS HIM IN FR0NT OF MY FRIENDS.
TRUST HIM OVER EVERY0NE ELSE.
TELL HIM HE LOOKS AWESOME.
LOOK HIM IN THE EYE WHEN I TALK TO HIM.
LET HIM MESS WITH MY HAIR.
MESS WITH HIS HAIR.
JUST WALK AROUND WITH HIM.
FORGIVE HIS MISTAKES.
LOOK AT HIM LIKES HE'S THE ONLY GUY I SEE.
TICKLE HIM EVEN WHEN HE SAYS STOP.
HOLD HIS HAND EVEN WHEN I AM AROUND MY FRIENDS.
WHEN HE STARTS SWEARING AT ME TELL HIM I LOVE HIM.
LET HIM FALL ASLEEP IN MY ARMS
GET HIM MAD, THEN KISS HIM.
TEASE HIM & LET HIM TEASE ME BACK.
STAY UP WITH HIM ALL NIGHT WHEN HE'S SICK.
WATCH HIS FAV0RITE MOVIE WITH HIM
KISS HIS FOREHEAD.
GIVE HIM THE WORLD.
WRITE HIM LETTERS.
LET HIM WEAR MY CLOTHES,
WHEN HES SAD HANG OUT WITH HIM.
LET HIM KNOW HE'S IMPORTANT.
The weekend has been good for Derry. His stats are comin along great, he is in less pain everyday and he is much more alert and cuttin us all up which means he is doin great. I still cant get him to curse in front of his rents (must be the damn soap incident hauntin him) but he is tellin jokes and laughin and doin all the normal stuff. He hates the hospital food which I dont blame him cuz its shit and he misses everyone that he blogs to and talks to so yeah, he is thinkin of you all.
He is supposed to move from ICU on Wed and then to a regular floor and he will be there for 1 week and then comin home so long as his stats stay good and stuff and he continues to get better kinda thing. He has no side effects other than headaches and so far its all lookin good.
I have told him what everyone has been tellin me to tell him and he says that he misses everyone and hopes everyone is good and stuff. He sends special hello's to the regulars on the blog and the people at the SIMHL.
Aight so here is my contribution to the blog for today
THIS IS WHAT I WOULD DO FOR MY BOY DERRY:
GIVE HIM ONE OF MY T-SHIRTS TO SLEEP IN.
LEAVE HIM CUTE TEXT NOTES
KISS HIM IN FR0NT OF MY FRIENDS.
TRUST HIM OVER EVERY0NE ELSE.
TELL HIM HE LOOKS AWESOME.
LOOK HIM IN THE EYE WHEN I TALK TO HIM.
LET HIM MESS WITH MY HAIR.
MESS WITH HIS HAIR.
JUST WALK AROUND WITH HIM.
FORGIVE HIS MISTAKES.
LOOK AT HIM LIKES HE'S THE ONLY GUY I SEE.
TICKLE HIM EVEN WHEN HE SAYS STOP.
HOLD HIS HAND EVEN WHEN I AM AROUND MY FRIENDS.
WHEN HE STARTS SWEARING AT ME TELL HIM I LOVE HIM.
LET HIM FALL ASLEEP IN MY ARMS
GET HIM MAD, THEN KISS HIM.
TEASE HIM & LET HIM TEASE ME BACK.
STAY UP WITH HIM ALL NIGHT WHEN HE'S SICK.
WATCH HIS FAV0RITE MOVIE WITH HIM
KISS HIS FOREHEAD.
GIVE HIM THE WORLD.
WRITE HIM LETTERS.
LET HIM WEAR MY CLOTHES,
WHEN HES SAD HANG OUT WITH HIM.
LET HIM KNOW HE'S IMPORTANT.
Thursday, May 8, 2008
Derry Recovery Update 2
Alright so yeah, I am gonna give ya another update here on Derry.
Earlier this morning he woke up and he seemed kinda out of it and really kinda tired which I guess he was gonna be cuz he just had his head cut open and stuff. So we come in to see him and the first thing he said to us was, "See, I told you we dont say goodbye". His mom was like mad crieing and stuff. I think she was just happy to see he was ok.
He seems to be doin good and the doctor said that if he keeps his stats improving then he will be out of the ICU by next wed or thur.
So yeah, there ya go, hes doin good. He even asked if I traded Richards yet and I told him yeah I did and told him I traded him to Columbus for a pick. He gave me a funny look and said I better be kidding or he was gonna kick my ass. I told him I was kidding and that he couldn't kick my ass from the bed so we kinda laughed.
Hes takin some kinda pain killer and he shoots it up himself so he was kinda awake and then asleep and then awake again.
Aight so yeah thats that. I guess what I am sayin is, its lookin good.
Earlier this morning he woke up and he seemed kinda out of it and really kinda tired which I guess he was gonna be cuz he just had his head cut open and stuff. So we come in to see him and the first thing he said to us was, "See, I told you we dont say goodbye". His mom was like mad crieing and stuff. I think she was just happy to see he was ok.
He seems to be doin good and the doctor said that if he keeps his stats improving then he will be out of the ICU by next wed or thur.
So yeah, there ya go, hes doin good. He even asked if I traded Richards yet and I told him yeah I did and told him I traded him to Columbus for a pick. He gave me a funny look and said I better be kidding or he was gonna kick my ass. I told him I was kidding and that he couldn't kick my ass from the bed so we kinda laughed.
Hes takin some kinda pain killer and he shoots it up himself so he was kinda awake and then asleep and then awake again.
Aight so yeah thats that. I guess what I am sayin is, its lookin good.
Wednesday, May 7, 2008
Derry Recovery Update 1
So yeah Derry asked me to post updates so you all know what is goin on kinda thing so yeah, these entries are prolly not gonna be long but you will know what is goin on kinda thing.
Oh yeah, I am Caleb, his boyfriend just in case you don’t know who I am.
Okay so the surgery was today. He went in around 8 AM and it took the doctors just over 7 hours to complete the work. They came out and said that Derry was doing fine, and that the operation went good. They believe they got all of the tumor and he was going to be moved to the ICU in a few hours. He prolly would not be awake and able to talk till sometime tomorrow.
We were allowed to visit for just a few minutes and he was hooked up to all kinds of monitors and machines and had some tube down his throat. His head was all wrapped up but he looked like he was kinda at peace or somethin.
Oh yeah, I dunno if you know much bout Derry and religion but he has this laminated card in his wallet that he carries everywhere and he took it with him to the hospital. I saw it sitting on his table in the room. Well yeah so here is what it says, I kinda like it
One night a man had a dream. He dreamed He was walking along the beach with the LORD. Across the sky flashed scenes from His life. For each scene He noticed two sets of footprints in the sand. One belonging to Him and the other to the LORD.
When the last scene of His life flashed before Him, he looked back at the footprints in the sand. He noticed that many times along the path of His life there was only one set of footprints. He also noticed that it happened at the very lowest and saddest times of His life.
This really bothered Him and He questioned the LORD about it. LORD you said that once I decided to follow you, you'd walk with me all the way. But I have noticed that during the most troublesome times in my life there is only one set of footprints. I don't understand why when I needed you most you would leave me.
The LORD replied, my precious, precious child, I Love you and I would never leave you! During your times of trial and suffering when you see only one set of footprints, it was then that I carried you.
So yeah thats all for now, I will let ya know when he wakes up
Oh yeah, I am Caleb, his boyfriend just in case you don’t know who I am.
Okay so the surgery was today. He went in around 8 AM and it took the doctors just over 7 hours to complete the work. They came out and said that Derry was doing fine, and that the operation went good. They believe they got all of the tumor and he was going to be moved to the ICU in a few hours. He prolly would not be awake and able to talk till sometime tomorrow.
We were allowed to visit for just a few minutes and he was hooked up to all kinds of monitors and machines and had some tube down his throat. His head was all wrapped up but he looked like he was kinda at peace or somethin.
Oh yeah, I dunno if you know much bout Derry and religion but he has this laminated card in his wallet that he carries everywhere and he took it with him to the hospital. I saw it sitting on his table in the room. Well yeah so here is what it says, I kinda like it
One night a man had a dream. He dreamed He was walking along the beach with the LORD. Across the sky flashed scenes from His life. For each scene He noticed two sets of footprints in the sand. One belonging to Him and the other to the LORD.
When the last scene of His life flashed before Him, he looked back at the footprints in the sand. He noticed that many times along the path of His life there was only one set of footprints. He also noticed that it happened at the very lowest and saddest times of His life.
This really bothered Him and He questioned the LORD about it. LORD you said that once I decided to follow you, you'd walk with me all the way. But I have noticed that during the most troublesome times in my life there is only one set of footprints. I don't understand why when I needed you most you would leave me.
The LORD replied, my precious, precious child, I Love you and I would never leave you! During your times of trial and suffering when you see only one set of footprints, it was then that I carried you.
So yeah thats all for now, I will let ya know when he wakes up
Monday, May 5, 2008
We Don't Say Goodbye
So yesterday was Caleb’s 18th Birthday and what a day it was. I started the day off by getting a hot breakfast organized for him and setting a table out on the deck so that we could enjoy breakfast together in the morning sun. Once that was done, I spent the rest of the day doing whatever he wanted to do which included taking a walk through the mall to see what was new, a stop at the local Tim’s for a coffee and then back home to spend some more time together. I made dinner for him which consisted of Rosemary encrusted Lamb Chops, organic baby greens, and Sweet Potato. The salad was a tossed garden salad in Raspberry Vinaigrette. Dessert consisted of Crème Brule. I have always loved cooking and it is something that I have spent a lot of time learning and working on. When I get the chance, I love to get in the kitchen and work magic. I swear I am a chef at heart. Though he is not old enough to legally drink, I did serve an Inniskilln Late Harvest Riesling with dinner. This straw colored wine is a beautiful balance to the Lamb Chops and its sweeter taste of lechi fruit and mango is not overwhelmed by the Lamb which tends to be a little strong when not cooked appropriately.
Having completed dinner, we took off for our bedroom to get to know each other a little better. Full from dinner and definitely aroused from a very enjoyable food experience, I took my time with him. We spent plenty of time getting close and letting our hormones take us wherever they wanted. It was not long before the moment I waited 19 years for, happened. With a gentleness and maturity that I could have only imagined, Caleb relieved me of my virginity. It was certainly one of the most anxious moments of my life, and having sensed that, he was a perfect gentleman with me and made sure that I was more than happy and comfortable with what was happening. Having done the deed, we switched places and I completed the other half of losing my virginity. It was the most dizzying experience of my life and it happened so fast that I really did not have much time to think. I simply collapsed on him and he cuddled up with me, running his hands through my hair and we just stayed that way for what seemed like hours. We later got up and spent time watching the hockey game and I spent some time working on my SIMhl thing.
Today will be the last entry in this blog that I personally will be making for at least the next 4 weeks. As many of you know, I am going in tomorrow to start pre-op for surgery on Wednesday. During this time, Caleb will be posting on my recovery so that you all know what is going on with me. I know many of you have said that I need not think this way, but the truth is this may very well be my last post ever on here. If that is the case, I would be wrong to not thank everyone who comes here and reads. Whether you leave comments or not, I know you’re here and I know your reading along. For that I thank you. You have given me the will to fight this disease. Special thanks of course to Darrell, Al, Scott, Jeremy, “N”, and Bloom who have made me feel as though this life was worth sharing with others. You have been amazing!
A very special place in my life has been occupied by Zach. In the short time that we have been talking I have become very close to this fine young man to the point where he feels more like the brother I never had. WHEN I beat this thing, give yourself a pat on the back, you were a big part of what pushed me back into Chemo and therefore to this point in which recovery is a very real possibility. I have never met him but I don’t think I need to know that he is a very special person in a world where there is very little that is special.
Lastly, to Caleb and to my family without whom I would not have the strength to fight. Caleb, you came into my life at the strangest time and in the strangest way but nothing about what I feel for you feels strange at all. Thank you for all you are and all you will be. Mom and Dad, I love you…your son is going to win this one, don’t you worry.
On that note, I leave you now for the next few weeks anyway and God forbid, if this was/is my last entry, than fate will have done what she see’s fit to do and hopefully this blog will have in some way changed the world around me! God Bless all of you…see you in a few weeks! Whatever happens, we don't say goodbye!
LiveSTRONG
Having completed dinner, we took off for our bedroom to get to know each other a little better. Full from dinner and definitely aroused from a very enjoyable food experience, I took my time with him. We spent plenty of time getting close and letting our hormones take us wherever they wanted. It was not long before the moment I waited 19 years for, happened. With a gentleness and maturity that I could have only imagined, Caleb relieved me of my virginity. It was certainly one of the most anxious moments of my life, and having sensed that, he was a perfect gentleman with me and made sure that I was more than happy and comfortable with what was happening. Having done the deed, we switched places and I completed the other half of losing my virginity. It was the most dizzying experience of my life and it happened so fast that I really did not have much time to think. I simply collapsed on him and he cuddled up with me, running his hands through my hair and we just stayed that way for what seemed like hours. We later got up and spent time watching the hockey game and I spent some time working on my SIMhl thing.
Today will be the last entry in this blog that I personally will be making for at least the next 4 weeks. As many of you know, I am going in tomorrow to start pre-op for surgery on Wednesday. During this time, Caleb will be posting on my recovery so that you all know what is going on with me. I know many of you have said that I need not think this way, but the truth is this may very well be my last post ever on here. If that is the case, I would be wrong to not thank everyone who comes here and reads. Whether you leave comments or not, I know you’re here and I know your reading along. For that I thank you. You have given me the will to fight this disease. Special thanks of course to Darrell, Al, Scott, Jeremy, “N”, and Bloom who have made me feel as though this life was worth sharing with others. You have been amazing!
A very special place in my life has been occupied by Zach. In the short time that we have been talking I have become very close to this fine young man to the point where he feels more like the brother I never had. WHEN I beat this thing, give yourself a pat on the back, you were a big part of what pushed me back into Chemo and therefore to this point in which recovery is a very real possibility. I have never met him but I don’t think I need to know that he is a very special person in a world where there is very little that is special.
Lastly, to Caleb and to my family without whom I would not have the strength to fight. Caleb, you came into my life at the strangest time and in the strangest way but nothing about what I feel for you feels strange at all. Thank you for all you are and all you will be. Mom and Dad, I love you…your son is going to win this one, don’t you worry.
On that note, I leave you now for the next few weeks anyway and God forbid, if this was/is my last entry, than fate will have done what she see’s fit to do and hopefully this blog will have in some way changed the world around me! God Bless all of you…see you in a few weeks! Whatever happens, we don't say goodbye!
LiveSTRONG
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