I took a big step on the weekend and spent my entire weekend with Calen in Toronto for the love in that is Pride Weekend in Toronto.
My eyes were really opened wide to the colourful and exotic life that is the gay, bi, trans, lesbian community. So many costumes, floats, and people in one place. During the two days I was there I saw people in tight leather outfits, buttless chaps, collars and leashes and a hole boat load of just everyday people as well. It was truly amazing.
I count myself among the bisexual community though I have recently come under fire over that and have been told that there is no such thing as a bisexual. One apparently either likes taking it up the ass and is therefore gay or does not like it and is therefore straight. I happen to like being with Caleb but given that my experience with girls is limited and given that I have at times felt attracted to women, I have a hard time accepting that someone like me does not exist.
Anyway....during the two days we were there, we walked hand in hand, we stood in the middle of the street and exchanged slobber knocker kisses and for the first time in my short life, I felt totally free and accepted. There was no judgement to be found and I was loving it.
The evenings turned into two nights of the club scene. It was my first experience so this was all very new and exciting to me. We had little trouble getting in and once we were in, we were ALL IN!. It was late too mind you, probably closer to 10 before we walked in but the party was just jumping. I ended up in various portions of the dance floor with guys I had never met, some of whom were grinding with me well others simply reached down and put their hands on my package. It was scary at first but I soon realized it was just all part of the environment and the scene in general. For the most part, I stayed close to Caleb and we ended up doing things that I did not think one could do on a dance floor...NOT THAT you dirty minded people, I mean we got real close, took our shirts off, and just let loose.
The music was loud and hypnotic, the drinks were flowing freely from men we did not even know as they passed us bottles of beer and other drinks in an effort to keep the two of us dancing. At one point Caleb was on top of a speaker dancing away, his own hands groping parts of his body in an effort to excite the masses.
We did not end up leaving on either night until somewhere around 2 in the morning and in both cases we each had multiple offers for things ranging from various drugs, to sex parties. We just declined and made our way home.
So, Pride 2008 was an experience for me and one I am not soon going to forget I am sure. It was sexual awakening in some ways as well as a reminder that I am who I am and the more I experience it, the more I am sure that Caleb is the one. People talk about chemistry in a relationship and unless I was too drunk to know the difference, I would say that the chemistry those two nights between Caleb and I was bordering on nuclear.
For those who did not take in the parade, the culture, the atmosphere, and the fun, you really did miss out. It was not all about being an alternative lifestyle. It was about being who you are, being accepted and most importantly, it was about love!
LiveSTRONG
Monday, June 30, 2008
Sunday, June 22, 2008
Who Am I?
When you have a disability like hearing loss or when your sick in a bad way like when your diagnosed with Cancer, suddenly you find that you define your life by your illness or your disability. It becomes a part of your personality, a part of who you are on a deeper level. The challenge really comes when you find yourself either cured of the disease or no longer disabled. Suddenly, all the things you thought you were are no longer relevant and you need to reinvent yourself.
This is the challenge I have been working through as of late and my reading from the LAF support materials tells me that this depression I seem to have hit is both normal and expected. You see, when you think you know your life and your situation and you spend a lot of time mentally accepting and preparing yourself for what you think is going to happen, you almost reach a sense of peace with where you are. Then suddenly someone picks up the snow globe that is your life and gives it a good shake and suddenly all the little flakes are no longer settled.
I once defined my life by my deafness. I became fully embedded in the deaf community and almost all my friends were deaf. I accepted that I was deaf and built my life around being a deaf male. Then I was told that I was a CI candidate and that changed everything. My life as I knew it was about to change in a HUGE way. We have already looked at that a while ago and so there is no need to rehash all that. Fact is, I had to change and the way I lived my life and the person I was had to change with it. I could deal with that and although I did have challenges both socially and personally with it, I managed.
The next thing I know I am being told I have Cancer of the brain stem and that I am not likely going to live beyond two years unless medical treatment is successful. We have all traveled through that part of my life and needless to say I prepared myself for what I thought was an unavoidable early exit from life. Fate once again intervened and things were once again turned on their ear. I had accepted what I thought was my fate and was fully prepared and at peace with death only to find out that things were going a very different direction.
So here I am. I have twice tried to build a life, a personality, a sense of self being only to have the proverbial carpet pulled out from underneath me. Now I find that I spend most of my days suffering from a sense of anxiety and panic, depression, and fear of what could happen next. Its weird, I am a very easy going and relaxed kind of person and lately a lot of little things have been setting me off, making me very angry in ways I never thought possible and I find it harder and harder to control that anger. I dont want to be angry, depressed, anxious, or paniced and yet I cant seem to stop it. Thank god for Caleb who seems to be my raft in this sea of madness but for how long can I expect him to be able to handle this? The only thing I know for sure is that I love him but the rest of my life is in total flux and in a sick and twisted way, I almost mourn the loss of being sick with Cancer because at least then I knew what to expect...I knew who I was.
I guess in some respects I just want to finally have peace in terms of defining who I am and where I fit into this world. Until I reach that point I think I am going to ask myself over and over again...Who Am I?
LiveSTRONG!
This is the challenge I have been working through as of late and my reading from the LAF support materials tells me that this depression I seem to have hit is both normal and expected. You see, when you think you know your life and your situation and you spend a lot of time mentally accepting and preparing yourself for what you think is going to happen, you almost reach a sense of peace with where you are. Then suddenly someone picks up the snow globe that is your life and gives it a good shake and suddenly all the little flakes are no longer settled.
I once defined my life by my deafness. I became fully embedded in the deaf community and almost all my friends were deaf. I accepted that I was deaf and built my life around being a deaf male. Then I was told that I was a CI candidate and that changed everything. My life as I knew it was about to change in a HUGE way. We have already looked at that a while ago and so there is no need to rehash all that. Fact is, I had to change and the way I lived my life and the person I was had to change with it. I could deal with that and although I did have challenges both socially and personally with it, I managed.
The next thing I know I am being told I have Cancer of the brain stem and that I am not likely going to live beyond two years unless medical treatment is successful. We have all traveled through that part of my life and needless to say I prepared myself for what I thought was an unavoidable early exit from life. Fate once again intervened and things were once again turned on their ear. I had accepted what I thought was my fate and was fully prepared and at peace with death only to find out that things were going a very different direction.
So here I am. I have twice tried to build a life, a personality, a sense of self being only to have the proverbial carpet pulled out from underneath me. Now I find that I spend most of my days suffering from a sense of anxiety and panic, depression, and fear of what could happen next. Its weird, I am a very easy going and relaxed kind of person and lately a lot of little things have been setting me off, making me very angry in ways I never thought possible and I find it harder and harder to control that anger. I dont want to be angry, depressed, anxious, or paniced and yet I cant seem to stop it. Thank god for Caleb who seems to be my raft in this sea of madness but for how long can I expect him to be able to handle this? The only thing I know for sure is that I love him but the rest of my life is in total flux and in a sick and twisted way, I almost mourn the loss of being sick with Cancer because at least then I knew what to expect...I knew who I was.
I guess in some respects I just want to finally have peace in terms of defining who I am and where I fit into this world. Until I reach that point I think I am going to ask myself over and over again...Who Am I?
LiveSTRONG!
Sunday, June 15, 2008
The Rules As I Know Them
I really must appologize for taking so long to make a new entry. The recovery process takes time and sometimes I find I dont have the energy to do everything I would like. Its getting much better however and I am happy to say I should be ready and able to make regular contributions again YAY!
So what to talk about today. Well, I think I am going to focus on the biggest thing I have learned in life thus far. I call them the 3 L's of my life. Let me explain...
I have learned that in order to make a life, one has to Live. Thats the first L. Live! I dont mean going about your day to day doing the same old thing. I mean really live. Splash in a puddle, skydive, pick up a bottle of wine at the LCBO that you have never tried before or do what I did on Saturday and go to a club with someone you love and play Lotto 649...which is what you do when you walk up to the bar and ask the bartender to pour you a drink using the 6th, 4th, and 9th bottle on the shelf. If you think you have done it all, you need to do that. I guess the point is, break out of your routine and stretch your legs, live a little and do something out of the ordinary. If you do this just once a week, you can have 52 days in the year in which you have really lived. I learned this lesson when someone told me, "Derry, its not that life is too short....its just that your dead for so long!". How true is that, life is not short folks, death is just very long. Now go LIVE!
The second thing I have learned is that one must Love! Thats right, Love someone or something so deeply, so passionately, that it becomes a part of your life. To go through life not having loved would be like going through a chocolate factory and never taking a bite. The danger in loving is that sometimes we lose what we love, but if you live in fear of losing what you love, then you never really live and we all know what happens when you dont live...simply see my note above! It has been said that "It is better to have loved and lost, then never to have loved at all". I agree and I think if you dont love someone or something deeply, you are letting a key component of life pass you by. Now, hopefully it is a someone that you love but if not, if thats just not in the cards for you, then find SOMETHING to love. Most importantly, never close the door on your options. Love happens when you least expect it. I never would have dreamed I would walk into a shelter, meet a GUY!!! and end up falling in love.
Lastly, I have learned that when everything looks like its at its darkest, that is when you need to Laugh! Its true...the worst thing to do when everything is going wrong is to dwell on it. Laugh instead...it takes more muscles to smile than it does to frown so why frown? I have learned through my own dark hours that sometimes the best thing to do is simply laugh. When you look up and see rock bottom, you know its time to laugh. The other option is to cry and one can only do that for so long, take my word on that. After the tears have been shed, after the anger over "why me" gives way, sometimes all you can do is laugh. How many times has something happened and we say to the person beside us, "One day, down the road, we are going to laugh about this". I say, WHY WAIT???? Laugh now, and laugh till you cry. Why dwell on the negative and wait to laugh later. Laugh right here right now. Heck, stop reading this and let out a deep belly shaking laugh and tell me you dont feel 100 times better, maybe a zillion times better.
As you can see, I have learned that the three keys to happyness are to Live, Love, and Laugh. When you can do all three, and do them well, your quality of life improves dramatically. My challenge to you today is to practice the three L's and then go out and teach just one person the same rules. If we all do this, what a wonderful world it could be!
LiveSTRONG!
So what to talk about today. Well, I think I am going to focus on the biggest thing I have learned in life thus far. I call them the 3 L's of my life. Let me explain...
I have learned that in order to make a life, one has to Live. Thats the first L. Live! I dont mean going about your day to day doing the same old thing. I mean really live. Splash in a puddle, skydive, pick up a bottle of wine at the LCBO that you have never tried before or do what I did on Saturday and go to a club with someone you love and play Lotto 649...which is what you do when you walk up to the bar and ask the bartender to pour you a drink using the 6th, 4th, and 9th bottle on the shelf. If you think you have done it all, you need to do that. I guess the point is, break out of your routine and stretch your legs, live a little and do something out of the ordinary. If you do this just once a week, you can have 52 days in the year in which you have really lived. I learned this lesson when someone told me, "Derry, its not that life is too short....its just that your dead for so long!". How true is that, life is not short folks, death is just very long. Now go LIVE!
The second thing I have learned is that one must Love! Thats right, Love someone or something so deeply, so passionately, that it becomes a part of your life. To go through life not having loved would be like going through a chocolate factory and never taking a bite. The danger in loving is that sometimes we lose what we love, but if you live in fear of losing what you love, then you never really live and we all know what happens when you dont live...simply see my note above! It has been said that "It is better to have loved and lost, then never to have loved at all". I agree and I think if you dont love someone or something deeply, you are letting a key component of life pass you by. Now, hopefully it is a someone that you love but if not, if thats just not in the cards for you, then find SOMETHING to love. Most importantly, never close the door on your options. Love happens when you least expect it. I never would have dreamed I would walk into a shelter, meet a GUY!!! and end up falling in love.
Lastly, I have learned that when everything looks like its at its darkest, that is when you need to Laugh! Its true...the worst thing to do when everything is going wrong is to dwell on it. Laugh instead...it takes more muscles to smile than it does to frown so why frown? I have learned through my own dark hours that sometimes the best thing to do is simply laugh. When you look up and see rock bottom, you know its time to laugh. The other option is to cry and one can only do that for so long, take my word on that. After the tears have been shed, after the anger over "why me" gives way, sometimes all you can do is laugh. How many times has something happened and we say to the person beside us, "One day, down the road, we are going to laugh about this". I say, WHY WAIT???? Laugh now, and laugh till you cry. Why dwell on the negative and wait to laugh later. Laugh right here right now. Heck, stop reading this and let out a deep belly shaking laugh and tell me you dont feel 100 times better, maybe a zillion times better.
As you can see, I have learned that the three keys to happyness are to Live, Love, and Laugh. When you can do all three, and do them well, your quality of life improves dramatically. My challenge to you today is to practice the three L's and then go out and teach just one person the same rules. If we all do this, what a wonderful world it could be!
LiveSTRONG!
Saturday, June 7, 2008
The Courage Of My Convictions
I have had a lot of time now to think and reflect on my situation and what I want to do going forward. I think the time is now to really step up and put some serious thought into what I want to do with the rest of my life.
Over the last few days I have given a lot of thought about applying to University to continue my education. I have decided that the best thing to do with my life now is to help people. I think the best way to do that is to go back to school and finish my education and then apply to Medical School. I have decided I want to be a pediatrician. I know that must seem like a really big stretch for the once deaf kid with brain cancer but the fact is I want to help the youngest members of our community and I want to specialize in children's cancer and be a pediatrician that serves as a cancer specialist.
I know first hand how scary it is to stare death right in the face, try not to blink, and then give him the finger as you fight for your life. I can think of no better service then to help those kids who are living what I lived first hand.
The more and more I think about it I realize that God gave me a second chance to live in grace and my motivation will be the gift that I have been given and the far too many children who suffer with this incredibly ruthless illness.
People have said that its a lot of studying, its a lot of financial burden, and its a lot of school but to that I say, I DONT CARE!!! This is what I need to do and what I want to do and when the workload seems too heavy, when the costs seem to high, when the stress is unbearable I will be able to reflect back on just how insignificant all of it is in the light of what I have already been through. Truth is, nothing is more stressful, more work, or more of a burden than the fight to beat Cancer. As far as I can see, University and Medical school should be a cakewalk in comparison.
Failure? Not an option...simply put. I WILL accomplish this goal and my motivation will be everything I have been through and the images of all those children who were in the ward with me, who I saw in the halls, who were hooked up to Chemo...those images, the suffering in their eyes, the look of courage and their desire to fight will be all the motivation I will need when it all seems to much to shoulder.
In their name, in their memory, and for myself, I will see this through so for all you people out there who think I am crazy for taking this on...I took on Cancer and I won...I LiveSTRONG and I WILL see this through...mark my words!
LiveSTRONG
Over the last few days I have given a lot of thought about applying to University to continue my education. I have decided that the best thing to do with my life now is to help people. I think the best way to do that is to go back to school and finish my education and then apply to Medical School. I have decided I want to be a pediatrician. I know that must seem like a really big stretch for the once deaf kid with brain cancer but the fact is I want to help the youngest members of our community and I want to specialize in children's cancer and be a pediatrician that serves as a cancer specialist.
I know first hand how scary it is to stare death right in the face, try not to blink, and then give him the finger as you fight for your life. I can think of no better service then to help those kids who are living what I lived first hand.
The more and more I think about it I realize that God gave me a second chance to live in grace and my motivation will be the gift that I have been given and the far too many children who suffer with this incredibly ruthless illness.
People have said that its a lot of studying, its a lot of financial burden, and its a lot of school but to that I say, I DONT CARE!!! This is what I need to do and what I want to do and when the workload seems too heavy, when the costs seem to high, when the stress is unbearable I will be able to reflect back on just how insignificant all of it is in the light of what I have already been through. Truth is, nothing is more stressful, more work, or more of a burden than the fight to beat Cancer. As far as I can see, University and Medical school should be a cakewalk in comparison.
Failure? Not an option...simply put. I WILL accomplish this goal and my motivation will be everything I have been through and the images of all those children who were in the ward with me, who I saw in the halls, who were hooked up to Chemo...those images, the suffering in their eyes, the look of courage and their desire to fight will be all the motivation I will need when it all seems to much to shoulder.
In their name, in their memory, and for myself, I will see this through so for all you people out there who think I am crazy for taking this on...I took on Cancer and I won...I LiveSTRONG and I WILL see this through...mark my words!
LiveSTRONG
Tuesday, June 3, 2008
The First Fight
They say that you will have many firsts in your life. A first love, a first kiss, a first sexual relationship, and a first broken heart, but they never said anything about a first fight.
Needless to say, and I am sure that it was bound to happen sooner or later, Caleb and I had our first official fight. It was stupid really. I got up this morning and got breakfast for both of us well he was in the shower. I made coffee and cooked up some eggs and toast. He comes into the dining room, sits down to eat with me and we get talking about his addiction program. Dont get me wrong, he goes and he goes religiously but I noticed that he has not seemed himself lately and I was a little worried. I tried to find out what was wrong and he kept saying nothing but my gut said there was something. I guessed I pushed too much because he eventually got angry and said that he was having trouble adjusting and that was what was bothering him. I got a little angry and worried and snapped back that I was doing my best to make him comfortable and from there it just escalated.
Eventually I decided enough was enough and I took off out of the house to get some air. I did not say anything I would regret later and neither did he thankfully. When I got home he was already gone for work and so I wont be able to talk to him until he gets off work tonight around 11 PM. Normally I visit him on his break but I wont do that tonight. I think its best that we let it ride until he gets home.
I have to say, I have fought with my family, I have fought with my parents and I have even fought with people who were nothing to me but I never felt this bad about it before. I really feel upset and it hurts to think that we fought over something. I guess it is to be expected that any relationship is going to have something like this happen sooner or later. I guess you just never really think about it until it happens.
Anyway, I thought I would blog about yet another one of my firsts and get the feedback of the masses on what I should or should not do going forward. I dont like to fight, I hate conflict and it really bothers me to know I may have hurt someone I love very much. Its tough being in love, especially when you only want to make the one you love happy.
I will let you know how it goes...as always, looking forward to your thoughts.
LiveSTRONG
Needless to say, and I am sure that it was bound to happen sooner or later, Caleb and I had our first official fight. It was stupid really. I got up this morning and got breakfast for both of us well he was in the shower. I made coffee and cooked up some eggs and toast. He comes into the dining room, sits down to eat with me and we get talking about his addiction program. Dont get me wrong, he goes and he goes religiously but I noticed that he has not seemed himself lately and I was a little worried. I tried to find out what was wrong and he kept saying nothing but my gut said there was something. I guessed I pushed too much because he eventually got angry and said that he was having trouble adjusting and that was what was bothering him. I got a little angry and worried and snapped back that I was doing my best to make him comfortable and from there it just escalated.
Eventually I decided enough was enough and I took off out of the house to get some air. I did not say anything I would regret later and neither did he thankfully. When I got home he was already gone for work and so I wont be able to talk to him until he gets off work tonight around 11 PM. Normally I visit him on his break but I wont do that tonight. I think its best that we let it ride until he gets home.
I have to say, I have fought with my family, I have fought with my parents and I have even fought with people who were nothing to me but I never felt this bad about it before. I really feel upset and it hurts to think that we fought over something. I guess it is to be expected that any relationship is going to have something like this happen sooner or later. I guess you just never really think about it until it happens.
Anyway, I thought I would blog about yet another one of my firsts and get the feedback of the masses on what I should or should not do going forward. I dont like to fight, I hate conflict and it really bothers me to know I may have hurt someone I love very much. Its tough being in love, especially when you only want to make the one you love happy.
I will let you know how it goes...as always, looking forward to your thoughts.
LiveSTRONG
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