Day 4 At The Shelter

Its Thursday morning and I wake up this morning and Caleb is nowhere to be found. I feel disoriented, out of place and a wave of anxiety and nausea rushes over me. I feel as though the walls are closing in around me and my bearings are out of whack. I go to get out of bed and it hits me....

My eyes open and there is Caleb in his usual place, frowning, almost worried. Apparently I was dreaming and as he put it, "Talking Chinese". Dreams are funny sometimes but this one just felt so real. I try to explain it to him and he tries to make me feel better. He tells me its just a case of him being too damn cool for me. I laugh with him and he gives me a hug, tells me not to worry, everything is going to be just great.

Breakfast is the usual and from there he heads out to his class. I have started to learn that what they talk about in this class is coping strategies, self esteem, life skills, and other things that recovering addicts need to keep themselves from becoming addicted again. I am extremely proud of him. He is not your typical recovering addict. He actually wants to get better and he is doing his damndest to make that happen. Its impressive and I cant help but feel great for him.

Today I need to decide what I want to do with my day. There is a class on job searching, resume writing, interviewing, etc that is running today and I decide that this is a good class for me to take. I may never get to use half of what I learn in this class but I want to learn it anyway on the off chance I live long enough to make a serious job search.

The class is full and there is a wide variety of people in there. Its interesting to watch everyone and see them trying to change their lives. The power of the human spirit is alive and well and very much present in this room. Through the day people share what they want to do, share their anxieties, successes and failures in finding a job. Everyone is supportive and many of them chime in to share words of encouragement. It feels like a huge safety net in here. In the end I walk away with some great life skills and I think I am a better person for it.

The evening sees me hook up with Caleb and company and we all have dinner together. Its nice...we sit and joke, talk about what we did for the day and talk about what is going on around us. Its intimate but safe and I like it. I get asked lots of questions about what it was like to be deaf, how that changed and how I am now coping in the hearing world. I get asked what it was like to be able to hear. I tell them all about it and they seem genuinely interested. They ask about my Cancer and how I can remain so positive. They want to know why I would want to spend so much time in a place like this with people like them. I pause and look at them and tell them because I wanted to make a difference for someone who was in their position and I turn to Caleb and tell him that I wanted to find just one person and establish a deeper connection. Its amazing, I find myself totally at ease and the conversation is flowing naturally,

Its almost 10 PM and Caleb excuses himself and asks me to join him. We head outside as he tells me he wants to go for a walk tonight. We walk along the street in the cool night air and its as if we have known each other forever. I had no idea what was about to happen although deep down I probably should have seen it coming. We stop a few blocks away and turn down the street. We stop again and Caleb looks at me with those soulful eyes, and he tells me that there is something he really needs to say. I am not sure what to expect though somehow I almost know what is coming. Without missing a beat he tells me he thinks he is falling for me and has no idea what to do about it, hes scared about how I am going to feel hearing that from him. Before I even get a chance to respond, he grabs a hold of me and kisses me.

At this point I have no idea what to do or what is happening. I felt as though I was in some kind of dream state, not really connected to reality anymore. I am frozen, not sure how to respond and as he lets me go and backs up I stare at him completely lost in a crashing wave of emotions. He looks scared, almost thinking that I might deck him or something. Still unsure of myself I look at him and all I could muster was, "Wow, ok, well I am not sure what to say to that".

I wont go into the details of our conversation though I will say that we talked, a lot, and walked, a lot. I am not sure what I am feeling right now. I am very confused by where my head is at and I told him that. He respected my uncertainty with what just happened and with that we stopped at a Tim Hortons and had a coffee before heading back to the shelter.

As is our usual custom, and one that wont be changed by a series of unusual events, he hugged me and he crashed. I laid awake, thinking, thinking, and then thinking again before I lost track of my thinking and nodded off.

I know that anyone reading this will probably think I am crazy for not out and out telling him to F-Off or something stronger. I didn't, I couldn't, and I am not even sure I wanted to. I have lived my short life in complete tolerance and acceptance of everything around me. I wont pass judgement on anyone, even when they do something like that. I look at what happened as an experience...something I had never done before. The funny thing is, I am not sure I didn't like it. What I do know is that everything I thought I knew about myself is now in a whirlwind. I need to centre myself and yet I can't get the experience or Caleb out of my mind.

I also know that there will be those who will now have lost all respect for me. I accept that. I can't force you to think well of me and I wont try to. I started this blog as an open environment to post on my experiences. I accept your judgement, whether positive or negative and if by my actions you can no longer accept me for who I am, I still respect you and still love you as a fellow human being.

I want to live out the life I have been handed with an open mind and heart. I came to this place looking to share love with those who needed it most and somehow, in some strange way, I ended up on the receiving end.

I don't know what tomorrow will bring but I do know that my eyes are wide open, and my heart is too.

LiveSTRONG!