I Am The Lucky One

I have decided that Chemo really sucks. After having another round of it on Wednesday, and having another round of nausea and general fatigue the rest of the day I have decided that I am no longer friends with the Chemo people. There, I feel much better now that I have said that.

I got up this morning and I felt pretty good. I was hungry and that is always a good sign. I slept in a little and that really helped too. When I get up in the morning I don’t usually get dressed straight away, I prefer to put on my Toronto Maple Leafs flannel PJ pants and roam around the house. My parents think I am just trying to show off the condition I am in but really, it is just that I am too damn lazy to get dressed right away. I made my way down to the kitchen to get myself a cup of coffee and start the day. I opted for an instant coffee and grabbed a seat at the breakfast bar and picked up the newspaper. My dad is a fanatic about newspapers. We get the Star, Record, and the National Post. I usually opt for the Star for the sports section and the Record for the local news.

I sat there, looking out the window and just thinking. Its amazing when you have time on your hands, the things you can think of. I was thinking about the Chemo treatments I have been enduring and how much I want to beat this disease. I don’t want to die, its really that simple. I know that nobody wants to die, unless they have some kind of death wish. The thing is, there is still so much I want to do. I look at my bucket list and I think that I have managed to accomplish a lot but there is still so much more that I would like to do. I want to help people, that’s what I really want to do. I want to do more than I am doing right now. I want to be more helpful and I want to have more of an impact on the world I a living in. I just don’t know what to do next. I have hung out with homeless people, been to a youth shelter, I have spent time with other terminally ill kids and just done my best to put a smile on their faces, I have tried to teach some of the homeless kids I ran into some ASL, and now I don’t know what to do. I have a full time relationship with Caleb and that is amazing, and I don’t think I would have found him had I not gone on the adventure I went on and yet I still feel as though there is more I need to do. I just wish I knew what to do next.

I sat there drinking my coffee and thinking some more. Its amazing how your life changes when you find out that your dieing. I get kind of mad at myself sometimes because I never stepped back and thought about doing this stuff until I found out what was happening to me. I almost feel as though I was being incredibly selfish because I was not more helpful to other people before that. I was so absorbed in my own deaf world that I completely forgot those around me.

I think what I need to do next is go and work in a soup kitchen. I think I need to go and be on the front lines in an adult homeless shelter and serve food to those who are homeless. I think I need to immerse myself in that and help out the best I can. I think I need to spend some time sitting beside them, shoulder to shoulder, and actually listen to what they have to say instead of pretending that they don’t exist. Maybe that is what I need to do now. I am pretty handy in the kitchen so I think that would be a good fit for me. Hey, I think I just answered my own question about what I need to do next. That was easy, who knew that a blog where I can just type whatever pops into my head would help me figure this out. Cool!

As I take the last few sips of my coffee and admire my own reflection in the mirror, I am reminded of everything I have. I got up this morning from a warm bed, clean linens. I put on a clean pair of PJ pants, went downstairs and started up the kettle and just made myself a cup of coffee without having to beg for it. I glanced at a selection of newspapers that just sat there waiting for me. I sat at a kitchen bar with just about anything I wanted right at hand. I sat there in the warm glow of the sun coming through the window in nothing more than my flannel pants. The heat in the house keeping me comfortable. I did not have to climb out of a cot, with less than clean sheets in clothing that I have worn or god knows how many days. I did not need to get in line for a meager cup of coffee and a modest warm breakfast. I did not have to watch over my shoulder to see if there was anyone looking to take something from me. I did not have to make my way out into the cool morning to find the best corner to beg for money.

My name is Derry, I am 19, I have a home, a warm bed, a good family, a boyfriend who loves me, food, clothing, and all the comforts. My name is Derry, I am 19, I was deaf but have been given the gift of hearing, I have Cancer but have been given the gift of modern medicine.

My name is Derry, I am 19 and not expected to live past 21, and yet I believe I am the luckiest 19 year old on the face of the earth because I have Hope.

LiveSTRONG!