Leading With My Heart

People ask me what kind of person I am. I struggle with that at times. Just like I always struggled with the question, "Tell me about yourself". As much as I am an open person I always find it hard to talk about myself verbally. Even when I was doing it with ASL, I always struggled with it. I have always been much better at writing about myself.

Maybe that is why I find it so easy to write this blog and be so very open. So to tell you some more. I am a very sensitive person, always have been. I find I usually pick up on peoples emotions pretty easy too. I really do put up a big tough guy facade but when you peel it all back you will find that I am probably very insecure and not at all the tough guy my exterior shows me to be. I think I hide behind my build a lot. I work out a lot and keep myself in shape because it helps cover up my shortcomings with my insecurities. It would probably not take too much to beat me up in a verbal confrontation, and I say that because I really hate confrontation. I am not much of a fighter. I can hold my own physically but verbally, I am probably pretty weak. I also tend to be a little self-destructive. I have a wicked tendency to be very hard on myself and that really just compounds things to the point where I keep beating on myself in my mind and then it starts a vicious cycle.

I think this is why I am struggling so badly with what my rents are doing to me. I am a social person by nature...if you really want to hurt me, stop talking to me and thats what they have done. I was listening to the radio and this song by a guy named Bruce Guthro came on...it was almost fate I think as I went and looked up the lyrics I could not help but feel it was written for me though I know it wasn't.

I am going to post them here in a sec so you can see what I mean. I am two days away from Monday and a return home to see if things have changed and yet like the song says, I am falling into a world I cant describe.

I hope things work out when I get home because if they don't I am going to have to leave and that will be the single hardest thing I have ever done.

So to get back to what I wanted to share here, here are the lyrics, I can't help but feel they are fitting as I get ready to face my parents again

Bruce Guthro -- Falling

I will be in town tomorrow, would you meet me at the station
there's something I would like to talk to you about
it's just this thing that has been on my mind forever
and I was hoping we could find a way to work it out

By the way, this is Martin, just in case you have forgotten
what I sound like, ya it's been a long, long time
they say that absence helps the heart grow fonder
Ya well anyway, I'd like to see you, if you don't mind

Look I'm sorry if I hurt you, and I'm sorry that I left,
and as of late seems I'm sorry all the time....
Wishing wells and shooting stars have been my friends
and I have come to realize that all the fault is mine.

And I am falling, into a world that I can't describe
And I am calling, 'cause I'd like to say goodbye

Hey I will be in town tomorrow, could you meet me at the station
if it's just to see your face as the train pulls through
I just wanna see you laugh or cry or shake your head at me
I just wanna see what twenty years has done to you
See I have nothing left to loose, no time left to choose,
if I should let this deadly silence carry on,
twenty years or twenty days is far too long,
for two people who once held each other in their arms,

And I am falling, into a world that i can't describe
and I am calling, 'cause I'd like to say goodbye

Will you take me by the hand say you'll understand
or would you wanna drive me down on to my knees
these are the chances I must take, and I know i must not forsake
your right to do and feel just what you please

But I don't have alot of time, to write the wrongs I left behind
to undo all the damage I have done
So I'm calling you to ask for your forgiveness.
Is that so much to ask ............ of your son?

Ya,I will be in town tomorrow, could you meet me at the station
there's something I would like to talk to you about....

LiveSTRONG!