Every now and then I feel the need to bare my soul to the world and let everyone in for an intimate walk through the inner workings of who I am. To give everyone a glimpse of the fabric of who I am. Today is one of those days.
I had a great conversation last night that got me thinking. I am 19 years old and I have never had sex with anyone. I mean, I have kissed girls and I have most definitely kissed Caleb but that is as much experience as I have.
At 19 I know that makes me very odd. Not many guys my age can claim to never have done anything serious with one sex or the other. I accept that it makes me an oddball, I also know that some will think it makes me lame or whatever. I get it, and I accept that.
Thing is, I want to share the experience of intimate exchanges with someone I love and who loves me back. Notice I said Love, not Lust. I have lusted for many people in my life but Love is something different. I also need the person that I love to be able to challenge me physically, emotionally, and intellectually. I need the person to have intelligence. I don't want the easy way out. I could probably have had sex many times over by now but I haven't because it was too easy. I want to give the person I love enough to have sex with, the gift of my virginity. God, that must sound so very lame to many people. I must also sound like such a prude and a dreamer.
I know the one thing about intimacy that scares me more than anything else is that I am not going to be good at it or good enough. I worry that because this is my first time I am not going to be able to make Caleb happy. I know that sounds stupid because he has told me many times that I already make him happy and he is fine being patient with me around this. It does not change the fact that I am going to be nervous as all get out. Guys, you know what I am talking about...this entry is a soul searching entry and so you need to know that its going to get personal. I worry that I wont be able to perform well or for any great length of time. Think back to your very first experience, think back to the things that went through your mind. Think back to how quickly the whole thing happened and left you wondering..."what the hell just happened and what do I do now?" Those are the things that I think about.
Am I overanalyzing this? maybe I am but its only because I am the kind of person who thinks...a lot. I also know that my brand of sex is not mainstream. I have plenty of knowledge about main stream heterosexual sex. Its taught to us in school and its all over the media. The thing is, I don't have nearly as much knowledge around gay sex and combining that with the fact I have no experience period, its like a double whammy. I am really just very confused about the whole thing.
Caleb's birthday is May 4th and I am thinking that the gift I will end up giving him is me...I think that is going to be the day in which I decide that this is the right thing for me. I know I don't owe it to him and I know he would never think that but I think its the right time and the right way to do it.
What can I say...I am 19...a virgin...a bisexual...and trying to find my true place in the world. I am lame and naive, easy to trick, easy to pull apart, easy to beat up in a verbal fight, and easy to rattle if you try hard enough. I have a strong facade, I look tough, I try to talk tough but my insecurities always get the better of me when the camera looks away, when the spotlight moves to someone else. As much as I try to pretend that the things in my world don't bother me, the truth is I am still the simple guy who sometimes sits on his bed and shakes violently when he steps back and takes a good long look at all that is around him. I am still a kid trapped in a body that is quickly trying to become an adult, a body that I often pull apart mentally for its shortcomings and inadequacies. I am the guy who finds salvation and peace in the simplest things life has to offer. I am the guy who approaches almost everything with a child like sense of wonder and innocence. I am on the cusp of the most adult thing I have ever done and that same naive, innocent, child like mindset is the one thing that keeps me from being all in, when it comes to giving it up.
I need to conquer my insecurities...and soon.
LiveSTRONG!
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3 comments:
Ahh, my puky, hormone-laden online friend....Can I letcha in on a secret?
The first time will blow. It will be wierd, and foreign, and odd. Sure, parts will feel REAL good, but considering you'll be so freaked about if you're doing it right, or how long it will last, as well as the adrenaline from finally doing "it" .... let's face it, you won't enjoy it in the way that you think you will.
I can see it now.... the big sigh, the "thank gawd THAT's over".
Sex ONLY gets good with practice.
From THERE you can get comfy, start really exploring and figuring out just what it is that turns your crank (so to speak)and his. In my experience, only THEN does it get good.
But hey....I could be wrong....
(key word bro.... practice!!)
N.
I have to agree with N. My first time was a mixture of fear and exhiliration. Fear of doing it, exhiliration over having made it through it.
Don't beat up on yourself so much. I wish I had the tenacity to wait as long as you have. It may not be pretty the first time, but then nothing is ever pretty the first time we do it.
Treat this like you have treated learning to talk. It didn't happen overnight and you still work on it today. If Caleb is half the man I think he is, he will be very understanding.
As "N" has said, Practice makes perfect.
My only advice is, for the love of God, use a condom!
Hey everyone
Yeah, I know what everyone is saying kinda thing. I mean, I want it to be all cool and stuff and I want it to be perfect but I know its prolly gonna be all weird and freaked out. I am sure of it.
As for what turns my crank? I dunno really, I guess I am gonna figure that out as time goes on. I mean, I am bi so I guess eventually I will settle on what sex or the other but I have been close to girls and now I have been close to a guy so yeah I guess I will see. I am really not sure what turns my crank though LOL I am not even sure what turns his...maybe we should talk about that eh?
Were gonna use a condom for sure and I am hoping to have lots of fun practicing 8)
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