Lights, Camera, Action!

I thought the best thing to do was take a break from all the mayhem and write on a topic that is different and perhaps a little more fun. That is not to say that I wont be back to talk about other things, but for now, I want to talk about the awesome question Al left me with.

As you all know, my favourite movie is, “A Few Good Men”. The dialogue is amazing and the court room scenes are electrifying. What I did not know was just how great they were until I HEARD it. It is one thing to enjoy a movie when you see the subtitles. You get to read the emotions of the actors on their faces, and you get to read along with what they are saying. Unfortunately you miss out on the actual sounds. That’s where it all changes.

When I re-watched that movie having been able to hear, I was amazed. In the opening scene you see a very dressy group of Marines doing rifle drills which are clearly meant for show. I enjoyed the visual the first time, but the second time was special. To hear the clicking of the rifles, the pat-a-pat of the gloved hands snapping into position, the slick clicking and rocking sounds of the rifles being dropped and flipped around. Lastly, the sounds of the crackling of the highly shined boots as they take each step. You can actually hear the leather straining against the foot of the Marine as he goes to take a step. Amazing!

The best was however saved for last. The cocky Daniel Caffee and the abrasive Colonel Jessop going at it in the court room made my skin crawl. When Jessop (Nicholson) breaks into his big speech, his annunciation, the spittle on the edge of his lip, and the masterful way in which he plucks the words out of the air and snaps them back at you reeks of a master wordsmith working his craft like an artisan. We then get the sly Caffee using his lawyer tricks, his oral slight of hand, the polar opposite of Jessop. Jessop is loud, abrasive and overpowering, Caffee is slick, quiet, and unassuming…at least until he demands, “I WANT THE TRUTH”. What a climax to a well crafted scene. You can feel the energy and the on screen chemistry. I think it is perhaps one of the most memorable scenes ever.

The other thing you pick up on is the sounds in the movie. The music, the background sounds etc. All of which seem to be meant to set the mood. From the eerie electric piano to the full drum and brass music at the beginning. It all serves to re-inforce what you are seeing on the big screen. I think a lot of credit needs to be given to the guys who write the music for this stuff cuz its amazing, plain and simple.

It amazing how much you really miss in a movie when you don't hear the music, the sounds, the tone of the voices. If you want to know what it was like to be in my world, turn the volume off, turn on the sub-titles and watch a movie. Then watch it with the sound and tell me you don't get a ton more out of it with the sounds.

All I know is that movies and television in general just have not been the same since I started listening to them, as opposed to just watching. The one thing I will say though is that you don't get to use your imagination nearly as much. Simply, when you cant hear something, you just imagine in your mind, all the things you can't hear. In that sense, watching a movie or a television program was not passive in the slightest.

Thats all for tonight folks...hope you enjoyed this one.

LiveSTRONG!

This, That, And The Other Thing

I had an entry all typed out and ready to be posted and then I changed my mind. I logged onto the SIMhl and had an amazing conversation with a GM in there who helped me see a few things. I thought what I would do is just continue to let my guard down in this blog and tell you a little more about me.

I know over the seasons I have been on the site, people have differing ideas about how old I am. I have never really said how old I am and the conversation with this one GM highlighted that fact. That being said, and at risk of making myself look like an easy mark for trade offers (yeah right), I am going to tell you how old I am. If you have looked at my pics in here you will see that I am not all that old. I am actually 19 years old, though my experiences and all that I have been through make me seem a lot older.

I have been told many times that I act and behave older than I am. I think it is because I have been through a lot in my short life. I think when you face the sort of challenges and obstacles that I have, you grow up really quick. Don't get me wrong though, I still make stupid teenage boy mistakes and I still make dumb teenage boy comments and when I get wound up, I tend to act a little immature as a certain GM in the SIM will tell you.

I also tend to be a very funny guy. I don't usually like to be all serious and uptight. I also don't drink very much because when I drink or get drunk, I tend to become all serious and that is just not me at all. Those of you who know me on the SIM know that I tend to be funny and pretty easy going.

In the end, I just try to be a nice guy whenever I can. I don't usually rip on people, and I don't usually insult or hurt people. When I do, I tend to get upset at myself and then I usually feel really badly to the point that I usually send a note to the person to tell them I never meant to be mean to them. I guess some would say that makes me a bit of a pussy, but I think it makes me a nice guy.

I thought I should also say that I have decided to resume my chemo. I am going back to the doctor next week to make the arrangements. I am not sure that it is going to do me any good but Caleb wants me to fight and so, I am going to fight.

My parents are still not talking to me but Scooter seems to think they will be fine by Friday. I am hoping he is right. I know they have every right to be mad and I accept the punishment that they are giving me but I am still there Son and I need them. I have decided that if they don't start talking to me by the weekend, I am probably going to consider leaving. I can't handle how its making me feel and the reality is, I feel very alone in my own home. I feel invisible and it hurts. I know I hurt them, but I don't think that returning the favour is helpful. I hope I don't have to leave but if I have to then so be it. I know I can survive in a shelter, I have proven that.

The next post will be the movie post I promised. I really need to post something like that as a distraction to everything that is going on. It would probably be for the best anyway so we all have something fun and light to read for a change.

In the interim, I hope my open and honest approach to everything that is going on for me is helpful. I promise though that when/if any sex takes place, I will spare you all the gory details. I will find a classy way to say it happened but I wont force you to vomit in your mouth by sharing the mental pictures.

Lastly, just a thank you to all of you who post such nice things on here. Your friendship, especially now, is so very much appreciated.

LiveSTRONG

The Long And Winding Road

I am not sure when the rents are going to start talking to me again. It feels like its been forever and yet it has only been a couple of days. I have been reminded that I must have completely shocked them and so I need to give them time to adapt and adjust to what I have dropped on them. I totally respect that and I guess I really have no choice but to wait. All I know is that I am not looking forward to the talking to I am going to get.

I have talked to Caleb about this and he says much the same thing, that I need to be patient and let things settle down. He is somewhat of a professional in this field having been there, done that.

I feel as though I am walking a long and winding road that is leading me somewhere I have never been before. I want my parents to love me and accept me for who I am and yet I just can't seem to get them to talk to me. I have tried signing to them and they out and out ignore me. It hurts but I am sure I have it coming given that I lied about where I was and then just out and out told them about Caleb. I just can't get past this sense of loss that is plaguing me, and yet I totally accept that I had it coming to me. It feels like a monumental loss and I can't seem to find the words to put it in perspective.

I want to be who I am for who I am and not what someone else feels I should be. I just wish I felt loved again.

I don't think I have said this before but I am now hooked on American Idol and have been watching it a lot. There is this one kid, David Archuleta who I think is amazing. I heard him sing the song I am putting in this blog tonight and I just felt it was right. I had never heard it before he sang it so I am kind of attached to his version of it. When I listen to it I think of how weird life can be, and how my whole life seems to be a long and winding road. All of a sudden, everything I know is changing and I am having a hard time keeping up. Thank god for some things keeping me grounded.

I feel as though I am typing mindlessly here and it is only because I am in such a state of flux. I continue to see Caleb nightly well my parents continue to keep ignoring me. Tough combination.

I am being open minded about all this and I am feeling safer and safer with Caleb. I know its moving fast and I know I can't control what is going to happen but I just feel as though he is the one. We click on so many levels and it just feels so very natural when were together. I am not jumping too fast though, sex is not on the agenda at this point and neither he nor I are going to rush that. We have decided that when and if i happens then that is what will be.

I want to give props as well to everyone who reads this and still has respect for me. You may never know how much your kind words mean to this kid from K-W and how very much I need you guys and gals to stick with me on this trip. Its exciting to know that this Blog is of interest to people. I write it for you guys and gals. I try not to hold anything back either, I want you to know me for who I really am regardless of what that means to my reputation. I want you to know the real me like Caleb does, and like my family does.

One thing I can say is, thank god I am too old for a spanking cuz I am sure my parents are mighty pissed at me for this one. I wish they weren't but hey, I have already said that up top.

I hope this entry is not boring everyone, its just that I needed a chance to get my stuff out on the table and see where we go from here. Thanks for lettin me do that.

I owe Al a special entry, he wants to know its like to watch my favourite movies now that I can hear the music and the sounds. I promise my entry tomorrow will deal with that. Its a great question and I wanna answer it

On a funny note, as most of you know, I am learning to speak. I have trouble with pronunciation and Caleb knows this. The other night he gives me a sheet of paper with the words, "I AM SOFA KING WE TODD DID" written on it and he asked me to read it out loud. Now, I am not that great at that kind of thing so by like the 10th time, I finally got it but Caleb was already rolling on the floor laughing...he thought it was hysterical and so did I once I got it.

I have another important announcement to make and this is really important. Tuesday May 13th is LiveSTRONG Day. I want to ask everyone who reads this, to please wear yellow on the 13th of May. It would mean a lot to me if you would and if you would spread the word and help me help the LAF build our Yellow Army! I will be posting more on this as it gets closer but it would mean a lot to me if you would all just put on some yellow and show your support.

Be sure to check out the video...if you can watch David sing and not feel he has talent then I need my hearing checked again 8)

Alright peeps, time for me to be shovin off. I don't know what I am going to do tonight after I am done meeting Caleb. It seems I come home, go to bed, get up, try to get a response from the rents and they just leave. I am in a house full of people and yet I have never in my life felt so very alone.

LiveSTRONG!

7 Days In Retrospect And A New Beginning

I woke up this morning and things were back to normal. There was no Caleb at the bottom of my bed and breakfast was not waiting for me in the kitchen. No T.J. and no Jewel to talk to or play cards with. Indeed, life is back to normal.

I want to use this space to touch on the last week. I have just wrapped up 7 days in a youth shelter for homeless youth. I arrived there open minded, unsure, and confident in whom I was. I left there open minded, enriched, fulfilled, and in a relationship. It was the best 7 days I have ever spent doing something.

When you arrive at a place like that you never really know what you’re going to find. What I learned is that my stereotypes and pre-conceived ideas were out to lunch. Just because someone is a recovering heroin addict does not mean that they can’t be a good person. Just because someone has come from an abusive home does not mean that can’t feel love. I think that is where I stumbled. I had to break my own stereotypes and once I accomplished that, I saw things in a new light.

It’s like wearing a pair of glasses with the wrong prescription. You can see, but things are blurry and distorted. Over the course of the first few days, the prescription changed and I was able to make things out in detail and the images went from being blurry and funny looking, to crisp and beautiful. That is not to say it was all roses. It was not, the fight in the kitchen was evidence of that. But for me that was an isolated incident and to be honest, I did not see a lot of hostility. I think when you decide to go to a place like this; you are ultimately making a decision to change yourself. You can’t stay unless you’re willing to contribute, attend classes, and adhere to a curfew. It’s very structured and in that sense I think it is structure that is what these youth are looking for. The fact that they seek it out makes me believe that they want to be in a better position. They don’t want to be on the street anymore. Their courage humbles me.

As the week wore on, feelings I never thought I had were kindled. I met a guy, I developed feelings for him, and my life changed again. Suddenly, I was feeling alive again, my cancer was not on my mind as much and the world seemed right. For Caleb, he found someone willing to accept him for who he is. Acceptance and unconditional love are two things that we look for. A friend reminded me of this (Thanks Jer) and I think that is why Caleb and I work so well together. We both have issues/baggage and yet we both find ourselves willing to look past that and make it work. Unconditional love and acceptance.

As the week came to a close I began to see these people in a new way. I was open and willing to give unconditional love to those who needed it more than anyone else. I was feeling full in my heart. I felt as though I may have made a small difference and although I found it hard to believe, I was constantly reminded of how great it was that was I there. It was as if I was some kind of celebrity though I never wanted to be one. I wanted to come in quietly, observe, give hope and love and leave again. What I got instead was all that ten fold and then…I got it back in return.

I leave there with hope. Hope that the world can be a better place if we all just try to do our part. I leave there with love, the love of friends and a new relationship. I leave there with peace, the peace of mind of knowing that I am a better person for giving up my creature comforts and going where many of us shudder to think about going. Lastly, I leave there fulfilled, fulfilled knowing that I am a good person. I am a person you can rely on and someone who will love you for who you are no matter what.

My week there was good, I learned a lot, and I would do it all again in a heartbeat. Lastly, I left there with a big challenge. The challenge of returning home and telling my parents that their son is a bisexual and has found unconditional love with another guy.

Last night I sat down with my parents and with Caleb waiting for me at Tim Hortons, I told them the truth, in full, without editing. I was not sure what I would get back for a response and it was exactly what I expected. Stunned silence, disbelief and then they both got up and walked away. When I asked if we could talk, they said they had nothing to say at this point and needed time to think. It crushed me, and was the hardest thing I have ever done in my life. They would not talk to me this morning and I am not sure when they will. They know about Caleb, I won’t hide him from them; I can’t do that to him. All I can do now is wait, and hope that my experience at the shelter is not a foundation on which I will be building more experiences anytime soon.

LiveSTRONG!

Day 7 At The Shelter

Its Sunday morning and I wake up to the fact that I have only one more night of sleeping here before I return home to my own bed. I am anxious about that. I have become very comfortable waking up to Caleb and his smile. It’s going to be tough to adjust to not seeing him in the morning.

It’s Easter and the mood in the shelter is a mixture of somber and upbeat. Some are happy, others are sad as yet another holiday comes along. I try to be positive but the feelings of anxiety are tough to put down. Caleb almost senses this and puts his arm around me and tells me this is not the end of the road, it’s simply the beginning of a new adventure.

Breakfast comes and goes in a blur and all I can think about is getting out to our local coffee spot and sitting down to coffee alone with him.

We do just that. I sit there, sipping coffee, talking mindlessly and staring into his penetrating eyes. He looks calm, happy, and totally at peace. He tells me that with me he has found someone who truly seems to care. I tell him I feel the same for him. He feels he can trust me and I feel the same for him. We talk about the ground rules for our new relationship. I make it clear that I am not ready to “do it” yet and that I want to take it slow. He nods calmly and explains that he is not ready either. He speaks about his past experiences around sex and how they have been very bad and hard on him. He has come from a broken home where he was badly used and abused. He knows this makes him damaged goods and he knows that many will view him as clingy and maybe trying to take advantage. His honesty is one of his best qualities and I know that he is much better than he gives himself credit for.

We sit there for several hours again just talking and learning about each other. It’s amazing how much you can hear when you stop talking and start listening.

As the time rolls by and the conversation continues I truly begin to feel that I have found the one. Something about him just seems right, just FEELS right.

We eventually make our way back to the shelter as the dinner hour gets closer and closer. I try to remain positive over dinner but my emotions continue to chew away at me and make it more difficult than it should be.

Having finished dinner, we retire to the rec room to meet with T.J, and Jewel to play some cards and relax for the rest of the night. We chat, and reflect on the last week. We spend most of the time talking about how I tripped into this place and met them. They can’t fully understand why a guy like me would want to spend time with people like them and when I explain it to them; they just shake their heads in total disbelief. I don’t think they fully comprehend why a kid with Cancer would care so much about them. They tell me that having me here this last week has been a great gift. Jewel gives me a big hug and tells me that my courage is unbelievable and that she is going to kick my ass if I don’t keep in touch with her.

As the night winds down I begin to reflect on the week I spent here. I try to think about how I am going to summarize it in my blog. I drop myself on the couch and Caleb settles in beside me. I he puts his head back on my chest and I sit there with him in total silence, just enjoying the moment.

As we get ready for bed, we do as we usually do and I wrap my arms around him, giving him a big hug and a long kiss goodnight. I don’t want to let him go and yet I know this is not the end, it’s just the beginning.

As I drift off into sleep I think about tomorrow morning…and suddenly I am not so afraid.

Monday comes around and I wake up to find Caleb sitting on my bed. It’s a tough morning knowing that I am going to have to pack up and leave. I move quickly knowing that I am going to get very emotional. I pack up my bags and he helps me. He is packing up too as he gets ready to move to his new shelter for the week. I confirm the cell number and he does mine. We agree to meet tonight for a coffee and keep it going from there. I am not one for a long goodbye and knowing that I won’t wake up to him sitting there next morning is breaking my heart. I find Jewel and T.J. and wish them the best. Walking to the front door I give Caleb a huge hug and kiss and tell him I will see him tonight. Suddenly I don’t feel so sad…it’s only a matter of hours until I see him and from there we will see where it takes us.

Walking out the door I think back on the week that has been and I begin to think about what my summary blog entry will look like. The experience has been overwhelming on so many fronts. There is so much that I could not compact into these posts that I will try to cover in my summary post. My stay has been life altering for many reasons and for the first time in my life, I feel complete, alive and as though I am ready to take on the world at large.

I have scratched off one more item on my bucket list, and yet I am not ready to kick the bucket in the slightest…I have found new reasons for living and live I will.

LiveSTRONG!

Day 6 At The Shelter

Its Saturday morning and my week at the shelter is quickly coming to a close. Only Sunday and then I will be leaving Monday morning.

I wake up this morning to my normal routine, Caleb sitting there, hand on my head, running his fingers through my hair with a big smile on his face. I find myself getting more and more comfortable with this situation and it feels good to have that comfort. Caleb also seems to be in a different head space. He seems happier, more settled and it feels good inside to know that I may have played a role in that measure of happiness.

We get ready and head to breakfast. Nothing eventful to report there, just the usual faces, the usual conversations, and the usual selection. With it being a Saturday the guests have the option to do what they please. Most will stay here and relax but a few will head out and see what job opportunities might be out there, even on a Saturday.

Caleb and I opt to go out and get some fresh air. We get outside and start walking a few blocks. We start side by side but that quickly changes to having his arm around my neck. I am fine with this even as the people passing by give us funny looks well others just smile politely. Some seem tolerant and others seem disgusted. Thus is the dilemma I now find myself facing.

We stop at our new hangout, a Tim's. We each order a coffee and spend the next few hours talking. We talk about each others lives, what we are currently doing, what we want to do. We feel like ancient friends sitting there. Inevitably we talk about what the future holds for us. The fact that I feel there is a future is something new for me. We agree to keep seeing each other once I leave. He has my cell phone number and I have his and we have each others emails. We will continue to meet more than likely at night or during the day when that is possible. We will spend weekends together too. It feels good having this conversation and I feel something inside of me telling me that its right.

I sit back and take a long look into his eyes, I am searching them, looking for some sign that this is real. I see no reason not to think it is and so I change the conversation to how I am going to explain this to my family. We challenge each other back and forth with pro and con arguments and settle on waiting to see if this is what we both want before saying anything to them. I think that its best though I have never done anything like that before. I am sure my parents would be shocked but having seen all they have seen with me I want to believe they will be tolerant.

The conversation lags a little as we sip our second coffee. He looks unsure of himself and so I prompt him to tell me what is wrong. He is afraid to ask me something so I encourage him to tell me. With a deep breath he asks me if I have ever "Done It" before. I think I turned a million shades of red and tell him honestly that I have not. He's not worried about me never having done it, he is worried that I will judge him because he has done it. I tell him that I dont judge and he should know that about me by now. He flashes that special smile and I know were going to be ok. I tell him that I am not in a rush too though. I explain my wish to lose my virginity to the one who makes me shine. I explain that the one who makes me shine is the one who will bring out the best in me and make me a better person for being with them...someone who captures my heart and soul. He smiles again and tells me that there is no pressure with him and that if it happens it happens. I agree and with that we get up and get ready to leave.

The remainder of the afternoon is uneventful, we sit in the rec room, play cards, I check my hockey lines, post to the blog, and get ready for dinner.

We spend the evening in the rec room, curled up on a couch again, his head resting on my chest, my hands on his chest, this time I can feel HIS heart beating. My hormones kick up and he makes a smart remark which makes me turn too many shades of red.

I can't explain the feeling of total peace I find when I am with him. I forget about my cancer, the fact that I am likely going to die. When I am with him I feel a sense of safety and completeness I haven't found anywhere else. I sit there listening to his breathing and I feel like I have found the one.

We finally make our way to bed. I usually get my hug before I change but I do things differently tonight. I sleep in my boxers and this time I wait till he is the same and then go and hug him. I want to feel his chest against mine. Hes warm, and totally willing. He hugs me and I let my hands run up and down his back. I kiss him deeply and come fully to grips with the fact that I am in all likelihood, a bisexual. Letting him go, we look at each other knowing this could easily be so much more but we both know its not right, not now anyway.

I lay in bed and reach over and take his hand, I stare into his eyes until i can no longer keep mine open and I drift off into sleep.

My world has changed so completely and so fully that I can barely believe it myself. In my heart I feel I have found the one who makes me shine.

LiveSTRONG!

Day 5 At The Shelter

I don't really remember when it was that I fell asleep. I was doing so much thinking and the whole movie of the events of that night kept rolling through my head. I kept pausing at the part where Caleb told me what he was feeling towards me and then the kiss he laid on me. It was weird...I have never kissed a guy before and have never been kissed by a guy before so it was all so very odd to me and yet, it didn't freak me out in the slightest. I remember him putting his hands on my face, leaning in, and the gentle manner in which his lips connected with mine. The way I allowed it to happen and continue....thats it, I allowed it to continue and I think that is where I am stuck. I could have pulled away and I didn't. I could have fought him and I didn't, I could have completely stopped him cold and...I...didn't. God forbid, I think I may have actually reciprocated. All I keep thinking about is that this was not some innocent little peck on the cheek, he full on kissed me and I think I may have been kissing him back. Do you see my dilemma here? My over analysis is making me crazy...and somewhere at that point I fell asleep.

I woke up once again to Caleb sitting on the edge of my bed. He was just sitting there watching me and I actually felt safe with him sitting there. We got ready for breakfast and with it being Good Friday, neither of us had anywhere to be so we had the full day together.

Having finished breakfast we decided to go out and just walk the downtown. We opted to go for a coffee and sit at a Tim's and just talk. We talked about the other night, we talked about what it meant, and we talked about what Caleb said to me. He explained that he felt something for me when I came in the door that first night and from there he has become more attached to me. I told him that I felt a deep connection to him and that I wanted to continue to see him. Somewhere between the first and third cup of coffee I think I finally realized that I am feeling something for him that I have never really felt for someone else. I am not yet willing to say that I am Bi or Gay or anything like that nor am I willing to say that I love him. What I am willing to say is that I feel SOMETHING for him and only the next few days will say for sure just what it is.

We left Tim's and made our way back to the shelter. It was cold out and neither of us wanted to stay out too long. Once we got back we headed to the kitchen to help with prep. There is something special about domestic work in a kitchen. I find it strangely appealing, almost relaxing. It was also a little nerve racking given that I had returned to the scene of my first real fight. Nonetheless, I made it through without having to hit anyone.

Through the rest of the day we played cards, we watched TV and we just chillaxed like we didn't have a care in the world. It was the kind of day you just take in and enjoy.

By dinner we were sufficiently eased into our new reality that we actually started joking a little about the other night with me making wise cracks about how he slobers like a wet dog when he kisses. It didn't feel weird and it was surely very funny.

After Dinner we returned to the rec room and watched TV. We sat there and I got brave and put my arm around him. He leaned into me, and I could feel his head resting on my chest. It made me tingle and no matter how much I may have wanted to get up to do something, I could not risk the embarassment that would have fallen on me.

We sat there in total bliss and the only thing I think he said for about an hour was, "I can hear your heart beating". His short blonde hair felt so very soft on my hands and I am sure I put him to sleep at one point though he denies it.

Later on that night we headed to the computer room and I took him to the SIMhl with me and the blog site. I ran into Al on the SIMhl and explained to Caleb who Al was and some of the others on there.

We stayed long enough that we got told they wanted to close down the room and so we left.

We headed to bed and got ready to crash. Just before I went to lay down, I got my hug from him and as he went to let go, I lost all reality, did something completely out of character for me, leaned in and kissed him goodnight. I have no idea what I was thinking but for some reason it just felt right. Needless to say he returned my gesture willingly and my hormones once again got the better of me which led to a few sarcastic remarks from him. When I let him go I just stared at him and wished him a good night. I laid down in the bed and the last thing I heard was "Thanks Derry, I really needed that"

The room went black and I think I slept deeper than I have all week...it was as if the world was perfect for just once in my life.

LiveSTRONG!