When your hearing music for the very first time it is really unavoidable that you are going to trip across a song that has been out in general circulation forever but is really something very new and special just for you. This happens to me a lot as I find my understanding and breadth of musical catalogue expanding. A classic example of this very situation happened to me last night.
I was sitting at the computer watching some stuff on Youtube and this song came on the radio. It started with some of the most beautiful, what I think was native Indian, chanting that I have ever heard. I had to listen to the whole thing. The song then changed and broke into a more modern sound and the singer began to sing the lyrics. I took a stab at the title by listening to the song and found it was called, “Return To Innocence” by a group called Enigma. I googled the lyrics and found the video on Youtube.
After watching it three or four times I decided it was going to be one of my favourite songs. The lyrics are simple, the sound is deliciously complex weaving chanting with more modern sound. A few of the lyrics in the song really struck me as powerful, they conveyed a message to me that really felt universal. Here is one of them:
Dont be afraid to be weak
Dont be too proud to be strong
Just look into your heart my friend
That will be the return to yourself
The return to innocence
To me, this is a very poweful message. Don’t be afraid to be weak, don’t be proud to be strong. How badly do we all long to return to a state of total innocence in this world. We now live in a world where war, killing, and death are the stories that grab the headlines and our interest. If only we could return to a state of innocence.
The song continued and another set of lyrics struck me, and I showed them to Caleb because to me, they spoke directly to what it is he is going through with his recovery from addiction. They were:
If you want, then start to laugh
If you must, then start to cry
Be yourself dont hide
Just believe in destiny
Dont care what people say
Just follow your own way
Dont give up and use the chance
To return to innocence
Again, how powerful these words are and when you hear them sung with the emotion that I can not convey in this blog, you really do begin to understand just how very moving this song really is.
I have been accused of being oversensitive to these things and perhaps relying far to much on music to tell the story. I disagree. Music is just another form of art and art imitates life. I am not sure what year this song was produced but I do know that its meaning still holds water today. When I was given the chance to survive Cancer and live to tell, I was essentially given the chance to return to a heightened state of grace…I was given the chance to return to innocence. Can you do the same?
LiveSTRONG!
Saturday, May 31, 2008
Wednesday, May 28, 2008
In This Moment
A while ago I posted a blog called Praying For Time. I was at a point where I was just hoping and praying that I would get more time out of this life. I was sure that I was going to be moving on without ceremony. Then things changed for the better and I was given a second chance to be here.
I keep thinking about that fact and how things change. Much like the seasons, one thing often leads to another. It was not until I watched back the taped American Idol Finale that I heard a song that made me feel the way "Praying For Time" did. There I was watching the show, hoping against all odds that David A was going to take the whole ball of wax. As I sat there, it happened. Out came David A and he began to sing an original song. Apparently one of the three songs the contestants had to sing was an original song written through the song writing competition. David A chose a beautiful reflective ballad called, "In This Moment" and I was hooked. The song is the perfect polar opposite to what I was feeling when I heard, "Praying For Time". There is this one portion of the song in which David sings, "Now that I know what it's like to be living in this beautiful world and never stop giving, I can't return to a life with no vision, born into eyes not by my own decision"
That when it hit me that things are now very different for me. I cant go back to the way things were because I need to keep moving forward. I now know what it is like to be living in this world and I can see just how beautiful a gift it is to have life.
For all the things that made me sad and reflective in "Praying For Time", "In This Moment" gives me all kinds of reasons to be happy and forward thinking.
I have been given the gift of life and as I heal and get stronger and learn to be part of the Yellow Army that fights for the cure and helps those who are still stricken with this awful disease, I feel for the first time that I am truly living and the future finally looks bright.
For those of you who have never seen this song or missed David A performing it, please watch this Youtube video of it. If "Praying For Time" moved you, "In This Moment" will give you a sense of direction and stability. It really is exactly what I am feeling at this moment!
LiveSTRONG
I keep thinking about that fact and how things change. Much like the seasons, one thing often leads to another. It was not until I watched back the taped American Idol Finale that I heard a song that made me feel the way "Praying For Time" did. There I was watching the show, hoping against all odds that David A was going to take the whole ball of wax. As I sat there, it happened. Out came David A and he began to sing an original song. Apparently one of the three songs the contestants had to sing was an original song written through the song writing competition. David A chose a beautiful reflective ballad called, "In This Moment" and I was hooked. The song is the perfect polar opposite to what I was feeling when I heard, "Praying For Time". There is this one portion of the song in which David sings, "Now that I know what it's like to be living in this beautiful world and never stop giving, I can't return to a life with no vision, born into eyes not by my own decision"
That when it hit me that things are now very different for me. I cant go back to the way things were because I need to keep moving forward. I now know what it is like to be living in this world and I can see just how beautiful a gift it is to have life.
For all the things that made me sad and reflective in "Praying For Time", "In This Moment" gives me all kinds of reasons to be happy and forward thinking.
I have been given the gift of life and as I heal and get stronger and learn to be part of the Yellow Army that fights for the cure and helps those who are still stricken with this awful disease, I feel for the first time that I am truly living and the future finally looks bright.
For those of you who have never seen this song or missed David A performing it, please watch this Youtube video of it. If "Praying For Time" moved you, "In This Moment" will give you a sense of direction and stability. It really is exactly what I am feeling at this moment!
LiveSTRONG
Monday, May 26, 2008
Getting My Bearings
I have been sitting at home for the last little while, trying to get myself back to normal and I was thinking the other day about how much things have changed in the last little while. In the last few months I have watched my Bisexual boyfriend move in with us, I have gone from being cancer riddled to cancer free, Caleb is now working part time and agreeing to hand over half his cheque to my rents for them to put in a savings account to help him get organized and save some money, I have lost my virginity, and my family seems to be tighter than ever.
I am not an overly religious person and I dont preach religion to anyone and I certainly dont push my beliefs on anyone at any time however, I do feel blessed. I could not have imagined all this good coming about in such a short time. How lucky I am to have so very much going right for me. I almost worry that its a dream and I am going to wake up to find that none of it is real and yet that moment has not come yet.
On the recovery front, I am still tired a lot, but I go out more now and walking is really helping me to get my head clear and balanced. I still cant stay on the computer for long periods of time because I get headaches and all kinds of other problems right along with it but that is supposed to get better in time.
I guess for now I dont have a lot to report. In due time I will talk more about the procedure, the recovery process and all that good stuff but for now, I think I am just going to lay and lazily enjoy the dream like feeling I now enjoy.
Till later,
LiveSTRONG
I am not an overly religious person and I dont preach religion to anyone and I certainly dont push my beliefs on anyone at any time however, I do feel blessed. I could not have imagined all this good coming about in such a short time. How lucky I am to have so very much going right for me. I almost worry that its a dream and I am going to wake up to find that none of it is real and yet that moment has not come yet.
On the recovery front, I am still tired a lot, but I go out more now and walking is really helping me to get my head clear and balanced. I still cant stay on the computer for long periods of time because I get headaches and all kinds of other problems right along with it but that is supposed to get better in time.
I guess for now I dont have a lot to report. In due time I will talk more about the procedure, the recovery process and all that good stuff but for now, I think I am just going to lay and lazily enjoy the dream like feeling I now enjoy.
Till later,
LiveSTRONG
Friday, May 23, 2008
Learning To Live Again
Its a funny thing when you go from expecting the worst in life to suddenly finding yourself able to expect so very much more. A few months ago I was not sure I was going to make it two more years and now I find myself wondering what to do with the rest of what looks like a long and very normal life. Its weird how you almost end up lost. I sit here not sure of what I want to do. All of a sudden I have choices I can and need to make and I am not sure what to do. Lets explore that.
I have always wanted to be a pediatrician. I want to be a kids doctor. Its not that I dont think I have the talent or the brains to do it because I think that I do. Now it is just a question of what I think I am meant to do. That is the real issue here. A while ago I never thought I had a chance. I thought everything was done for me, plotted out and set in stone. Now all of a sudden I find myself unsure of what I am meant to do on this earth. Why was I spared when so many others are not given that chance. That is the burden I carry now. I need to figure out why I was chosen to have a second chance at life and what am I supposed to do with that second chance?
We all go about our daily lives doing what we think is best. We dont ever stop and think to ourselves, what if this was the last day I had on earth. What impact could I make? what would my legacy be? what would people say about me if I was suddenly gone.
Today, Now, as I lay at home and recover, as my brain heals, as the scars cover up the incisions, as I take a fearless inventory of who I am, I ask myself, what am I meant to do now? What is the role I am meant to play in the bigger scheme of things? Was I spared because I am meant to do something more than I have done already? So may questions and it makes my head hurt. I know I have been given a second chance at life and I have no idea why. What I do know is that I am one of the few people who gets the chance to do it all over again. If you were given such a chance what would you do?
Time to take that inventory and do some soul searching...time to find my place in this world, whatever it is.
LiveSTRONG!
I have always wanted to be a pediatrician. I want to be a kids doctor. Its not that I dont think I have the talent or the brains to do it because I think that I do. Now it is just a question of what I think I am meant to do. That is the real issue here. A while ago I never thought I had a chance. I thought everything was done for me, plotted out and set in stone. Now all of a sudden I find myself unsure of what I am meant to do on this earth. Why was I spared when so many others are not given that chance. That is the burden I carry now. I need to figure out why I was chosen to have a second chance at life and what am I supposed to do with that second chance?
We all go about our daily lives doing what we think is best. We dont ever stop and think to ourselves, what if this was the last day I had on earth. What impact could I make? what would my legacy be? what would people say about me if I was suddenly gone.
Today, Now, as I lay at home and recover, as my brain heals, as the scars cover up the incisions, as I take a fearless inventory of who I am, I ask myself, what am I meant to do now? What is the role I am meant to play in the bigger scheme of things? Was I spared because I am meant to do something more than I have done already? So may questions and it makes my head hurt. I know I have been given a second chance at life and I have no idea why. What I do know is that I am one of the few people who gets the chance to do it all over again. If you were given such a chance what would you do?
Time to take that inventory and do some soul searching...time to find my place in this world, whatever it is.
LiveSTRONG!
Wednesday, May 21, 2008
Homecoming
I don't know where to start with this entry. I am home again after two long weeks in hospital and after living through the most intense surgical procedure I have ever had. There is a lot I want to talk about but I need time. I am tired most of the time and I have some pretty wicked headaches at times so its tough to sit here and type and share all kinds of stuff.
I think what I will do is thank everyone who comes here, reads this blog, and shows their support for me in one way or another. I may never get to know any of you but I feel as though you are a deep and integral part of my life. Your support and prayers have been the raft in which I navigated the sea of madness that was/is my life.
First off to Caleb who has been my rock through all this. Who would ever have thought that you could handle all this madness with the grace and calm of a champion. I had no idea you had such internal strength. Many would have up and abandoned me knowing that there were much easier relationships out there and yet you stayed and held my hand through it all. Your my champion.
Zach. I can honestly say without a doubt that had you not kept pushing back about going to chemo I may have never gone back and therefore I may not have been here now or later for that matter. I wanted to stop the chemo and just let it all go and you would have no part of it. In your own special way you pushed me hard to go back and in turn you saved my life. I cant and wont ever forget that. Your a special person and your influence on this world will be tremendous if you believe in yourself.
To my family. Family is the heart of the house. You are my heart and soul, and your support and prayers during this whole experience has been more than anyone could ever ask for. A man is a rich man when he has family like you.
To the people who write in and spend their time reading the ramblings of this kid from Kitchener and then take time to post your thoughts. THANK YOU. You keep me motivated and you are the reason I keep this thing going. It would be so easy to just stop and not bother but knowing that you all come here and read and share in my experiences moves me in a way I simply can not put into words other than to say THANK YOU!
Over the next bit I will talk about my hospital experience and the emotion of going from being slated to die to being cancer free. Cancer free...never thought I would type that and here I am.
Thank you everyone!
LiveSTRONG!
I think what I will do is thank everyone who comes here, reads this blog, and shows their support for me in one way or another. I may never get to know any of you but I feel as though you are a deep and integral part of my life. Your support and prayers have been the raft in which I navigated the sea of madness that was/is my life.
First off to Caleb who has been my rock through all this. Who would ever have thought that you could handle all this madness with the grace and calm of a champion. I had no idea you had such internal strength. Many would have up and abandoned me knowing that there were much easier relationships out there and yet you stayed and held my hand through it all. Your my champion.
Zach. I can honestly say without a doubt that had you not kept pushing back about going to chemo I may have never gone back and therefore I may not have been here now or later for that matter. I wanted to stop the chemo and just let it all go and you would have no part of it. In your own special way you pushed me hard to go back and in turn you saved my life. I cant and wont ever forget that. Your a special person and your influence on this world will be tremendous if you believe in yourself.
To my family. Family is the heart of the house. You are my heart and soul, and your support and prayers during this whole experience has been more than anyone could ever ask for. A man is a rich man when he has family like you.
To the people who write in and spend their time reading the ramblings of this kid from Kitchener and then take time to post your thoughts. THANK YOU. You keep me motivated and you are the reason I keep this thing going. It would be so easy to just stop and not bother but knowing that you all come here and read and share in my experiences moves me in a way I simply can not put into words other than to say THANK YOU!
Over the next bit I will talk about my hospital experience and the emotion of going from being slated to die to being cancer free. Cancer free...never thought I would type that and here I am.
Thank you everyone!
LiveSTRONG!
Monday, May 19, 2008
Welcome Home Derry!
Hey Babe
I am not so good at this kinda thing so I thought I would post a welcome home note for you.
I knew when I met you that you were somethin special. When you walked into the shelter and I just knew there was somethin special bout you. Then I got to know you. Started over hugs and conversation until I finally kissed ya and you know you totally kissed me back but however you wanna make it out is cool. Then I got to know you more and I started to fall in love with ya. Yer rents opened their home to me and my life changed in a big way. No one has ever been as cool to me as you and yer family. You looked past my broken past and my stupid drug addiction shit and hung with me. I looked past yer Cancer and yer hearing issues and hung with you. You gave me the super honour of bein the one to make you shine and with that one big day I got to feel a kinda love that I never felt before and I am so wound that I got to have that with you. Then came the surgery and the thing was we knew you were gonna make it cuz like you said, we dont say goodbye. I never felt so close to someone like I do with you and yer like the biggest thing in my life. I dunno how I ever got by before you found me and I found you.
Aight gettin way too emotional but yeah you know its true and you know that now yer comin home to stay I am gonna be yer great protector and keep all the bad things away.
I got one word for ya and you had to know its comin...time for a...yup....SLOBBERKNOCKER!
Aight so yeah, I heard this song on the radio and I wanna make it for you Derry cuz its just like everything I wanna say but am just too dumb to be able to. Its called, "If I Didn't Have You"
I don't know what I was thinking
'Til I was thinking of you
I don't remember a thing before I opened my eyes
And you came into view
I don't know what I was doing
When there was nothing to do
Must've been waiting for someone, baby
Now I can see - I was waiting for you
I'd give up my sight just to see you
I'd beg, I would borrow and steal
I'd cut off my hands just to touch you
And tear out my heart so you'd know how I feel
There's nowhere that I wouldn't follow
There's nothing that I wouldn't do
'Cause I wouldn't wanna be me
If I didn't have you
Driving myself to distraction
Until you got in my way
I was just whistling Dixie 'til
you struck up the band
And they started to play
I don't know how I was living
Until you came in my life
I always knew there was something wrong
Then you came along
Baby, you made it right
I was alone in the silence
'Til I was hearing your voice
I couldn't see my way clear until
you parted the clouds
And you gave me a choice
I couldn't pick up the pieces
'Til I was falling apart
I didn't know I was bleeding
'Til your love fixed this hole,
baby, here in my heart
I'd give up my sight just to see you
I'd beg, I would borrow and steal
I'd cut off my hands just to touch you
And tear out my heart so you'd know how I feel
There's nowhere that I wouldn't follow
There's no place that I'd rather be
This life without you would be hollow
This love is a gift, and you gave it to me
All that I am, you have made me
And baby, I know that it's true
I'd give it all up in a heartbeat
Just to spend every moment with you
There's no place that I wouldn't follow
There's nothing that I wouldn't do
'Cause I wouldn't wanna be me
If I didn't have you
Love you Derry!
I am not so good at this kinda thing so I thought I would post a welcome home note for you.
I knew when I met you that you were somethin special. When you walked into the shelter and I just knew there was somethin special bout you. Then I got to know you. Started over hugs and conversation until I finally kissed ya and you know you totally kissed me back but however you wanna make it out is cool. Then I got to know you more and I started to fall in love with ya. Yer rents opened their home to me and my life changed in a big way. No one has ever been as cool to me as you and yer family. You looked past my broken past and my stupid drug addiction shit and hung with me. I looked past yer Cancer and yer hearing issues and hung with you. You gave me the super honour of bein the one to make you shine and with that one big day I got to feel a kinda love that I never felt before and I am so wound that I got to have that with you. Then came the surgery and the thing was we knew you were gonna make it cuz like you said, we dont say goodbye. I never felt so close to someone like I do with you and yer like the biggest thing in my life. I dunno how I ever got by before you found me and I found you.
Aight gettin way too emotional but yeah you know its true and you know that now yer comin home to stay I am gonna be yer great protector and keep all the bad things away.
I got one word for ya and you had to know its comin...time for a...yup....SLOBBERKNOCKER!
Aight so yeah, I heard this song on the radio and I wanna make it for you Derry cuz its just like everything I wanna say but am just too dumb to be able to. Its called, "If I Didn't Have You"
I don't know what I was thinking
'Til I was thinking of you
I don't remember a thing before I opened my eyes
And you came into view
I don't know what I was doing
When there was nothing to do
Must've been waiting for someone, baby
Now I can see - I was waiting for you
I'd give up my sight just to see you
I'd beg, I would borrow and steal
I'd cut off my hands just to touch you
And tear out my heart so you'd know how I feel
There's nowhere that I wouldn't follow
There's nothing that I wouldn't do
'Cause I wouldn't wanna be me
If I didn't have you
Driving myself to distraction
Until you got in my way
I was just whistling Dixie 'til
you struck up the band
And they started to play
I don't know how I was living
Until you came in my life
I always knew there was something wrong
Then you came along
Baby, you made it right
I was alone in the silence
'Til I was hearing your voice
I couldn't see my way clear until
you parted the clouds
And you gave me a choice
I couldn't pick up the pieces
'Til I was falling apart
I didn't know I was bleeding
'Til your love fixed this hole,
baby, here in my heart
I'd give up my sight just to see you
I'd beg, I would borrow and steal
I'd cut off my hands just to touch you
And tear out my heart so you'd know how I feel
There's nowhere that I wouldn't follow
There's no place that I'd rather be
This life without you would be hollow
This love is a gift, and you gave it to me
All that I am, you have made me
And baby, I know that it's true
I'd give it all up in a heartbeat
Just to spend every moment with you
There's no place that I wouldn't follow
There's nothing that I wouldn't do
'Cause I wouldn't wanna be me
If I didn't have you
Love you Derry!
Sunday, May 18, 2008
Derry Recovery Update 5
Aight everyone, this is gonna be the last post from me till the big guy gets back home. I know I have been kinda shitty at postin as well as he does so yeah its prolly best that he is takin over again. I just dont really know what to say half the time so yeah I just try to save some stuff up and post it.
Okay so the last few days were kinda eventful. The docs gave Derry some kinda medication that he needed to have and he had a wicked reaction to it and started havin severe seizures, he was foamin at the mouth, eyes rolled back, all seizing up and shit and twice his heart stopped and they had to put those shocking things on em. They got him back and started dosin him up with some kinda anti-seizure shit and he settled down. They said it was a serious reaction to one of the meds in his IV bag but they knew what it was and were changing the meds. Today he was fine and I asked him if he remembered any of it and he said he didn't really remember anything. I told him he was like dead twice cuz his heart had stopped and he just kept sayin he had no clue so yeah I dunno, it freaked the shit outta me cuz I thought we were gonna lose him and to have it happen twice I was like, HOLY SHIT do something and I was practically yelling at them to do shit.
Anyway, talkin to him today he is good. We are bringin him some clothes tomorrow for his big day on Tuesday when he gets to come home again. He is really excited but nervous too cuz he has been away and he kinda worries that he is still a little unsure about himself getting around but I am gonna be home with him to keep an eye on him and stuff.
So yeah, he is doin amazing, scans are lookin good, I wont talk much bout that cuz I know he wants to talk about it and stuff but just a hint, they look good so you do the math LOL.
Aight so he will be back and postin on Tuesday and he says hello to everyone and wants me to tell you that he misses bein on here and postin and stuff.
Okay so thats it for me. I hope everyone is not bored with my posting and stuff and thanks for readin what I had to say and stuff.
I am gonna post one more time tomorrow but its gonna be a special one just for my boy Derry!
Peace out everyone!
Okay so the last few days were kinda eventful. The docs gave Derry some kinda medication that he needed to have and he had a wicked reaction to it and started havin severe seizures, he was foamin at the mouth, eyes rolled back, all seizing up and shit and twice his heart stopped and they had to put those shocking things on em. They got him back and started dosin him up with some kinda anti-seizure shit and he settled down. They said it was a serious reaction to one of the meds in his IV bag but they knew what it was and were changing the meds. Today he was fine and I asked him if he remembered any of it and he said he didn't really remember anything. I told him he was like dead twice cuz his heart had stopped and he just kept sayin he had no clue so yeah I dunno, it freaked the shit outta me cuz I thought we were gonna lose him and to have it happen twice I was like, HOLY SHIT do something and I was practically yelling at them to do shit.
Anyway, talkin to him today he is good. We are bringin him some clothes tomorrow for his big day on Tuesday when he gets to come home again. He is really excited but nervous too cuz he has been away and he kinda worries that he is still a little unsure about himself getting around but I am gonna be home with him to keep an eye on him and stuff.
So yeah, he is doin amazing, scans are lookin good, I wont talk much bout that cuz I know he wants to talk about it and stuff but just a hint, they look good so you do the math LOL.
Aight so he will be back and postin on Tuesday and he says hello to everyone and wants me to tell you that he misses bein on here and postin and stuff.
Okay so thats it for me. I hope everyone is not bored with my posting and stuff and thanks for readin what I had to say and stuff.
I am gonna post one more time tomorrow but its gonna be a special one just for my boy Derry!
Peace out everyone!
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