Take It From The Top

I am thinking the first thing I should do is let you all know what has been happening for the last almost year now. I wont attempt to cover it all in one post, that would be insane, but I will spend the next few posts going over a few things here and there and fill you in the best I can.

For now, I think we will take a high level view of the last little while. I suppose the burning question people are probably wondering is, am I still with Caleb? Well, the truth is YES I AM!!! Caleb and I are still going strong, and in fact I think I am more in love with him now than I was before, if thats even remotely possible. He and I have really deepened our connection with each other and there is even talk that perhaps one day we will marry each other. First things first though, he needs to complete school and so do I. Oh yeah, thats right, you didn't know...Caleb is back in school. He is making his way through the education system and he is doing quite well. The first little bit was rough, trying to adjust to being in school but he settled in nice and even joined the football team. More about that in a future post. As for me, I wrapped up my first year of my Bachelor of Health Science program and survived my Frosh year at Uni. I am taking a B. HSc in preparation for med school. The program I am in now runs 3 or 4 years depending on if you go honours and then from there you can move into a variety of grad programs. My heart is set on medicine though. I want to become a pediatrician for deaf children...and regular kids, but definitely deaf kids. I think it is something that is needed and I know I can serve that area really well HAHA. Caleb wants me to become a surgeon, but I dont think I have the stomach for it. He thinks that surgeons are much cooler but I disagree, I think they are just much snobbier LOL

So aside from school, Caleb continues to work Part time at Tim's slinging coffee. He has done really well saving money, and is clean and still attending his meetings. He does not even think about drug use anymore...he tells me he has moved past that phase of his life and I believe him.

When neither of us is in school and he is not working, you can usually find us in Toronto doing the club scene. We usually spend most of the night at some sleek little gay bar somewhere, chatting with friends, laughing, drinking, and politely declining those who have had way to much to drink and think that either of us want to spend the night with them LOL. Don't get me wrong, I am not a snob, I love Caleb and although I know we are both young and relatively good looking, that does not mean we want to go whoring LOL. WOW that sounded really rude but its true...the culture in the community can be very superficial at times...a world where age and looks are everything. The younger you look the better you look the more likely you are to get hit on HAHA.

Anyway, aside from that, we also continue to do the things we always do...go for coffee...go walking...rough house in the house when the parental unit is away which usually leads to...well you know where that leads to LOL

So there is your high level view...there is of course much more going on than that, but I will get into that later. I just wanted to make sure everyone knew that all is well and things are coming along nicely.

Until later,

LiveSTRONG!

Welcome Home My Old Friend

They say that absence makes the heart grow fonder. Indeed its true. I have not been here to blog in a long time now. It was more a product of my own business that I walked away from this adventure only to find myself missing something. It is because I understand the value of this blog and the feedback I get from those who read it that I am returning. This is an important place for me. If you have ever moved from your original family home, only to drive back from time to time to look at it from the outside, then you understand what I am saying about this blog. Like the old family home, this is my home, my place, the space in which the contents of my mind are laid out in endless wonder.

Indeed, welcome home. It feels good to slip into this role again like one slips on an old pair of comfy jeans. It just feels good, and it feels right, even though you know that you really should be wearing something nicer.

To those who travel to this space to read the ramblings and musings of this author, welcome back! I missed you and I do hope you missed me as well. I wont fail to keep myself rolling with this site this time. You deserve much more than I have given you the last while and simply wont let my own self indulgent decadence take over again.

There is much to blog about and yet so very much time in which to do it god willing. So, lets open a bottle of fine wine, pour ourselves a glass and sit back to savour the conversation and flavour together. If you are a loyal follower than you know where this journey has taken me already, now I want to share where it has taken me since. Along the way I will of course share my usual brand of eccentric musings on subjects that reach well beyond what you would expect from me. As I always say when it comes to the world I live in......expect the unexpected!

So I have rambled and dragged on here enough, reflective and self indulgent indeed. Now its time to begin. Lets dim the lights, and cue the music, raise the curtain boys, the show is about to begin!

LiveSTRONG!

We Will Remember Them!

They Shall Grow Not Old
As We That Are Left Grow Old
Age Shall Not Weary Them
Nor The Years Condemn
At The Going Down Of The Sun
And In The Morning
WE WILL REMEMBER THEM

Never have truer words been spoken about the brave men and women who have given their lives and today put their lives on the line for the blanket of freedom we sleep under each and every night. Indeed, the brave soldiers who wear the Maple Leaf on their uniforms and for all those who have worn it before, we owe you a debt that may never ever be paid in full.

On this day, and the several days before it, I wear a poppy for you. For the men I will never know, for the wives who watched their husbands go overseas just after exchanging what may have been their last kiss. To the Mothers and Fathers who watched their sons leave home to fight a battle on foreign soil not knowing if they would ever see them alive again. To the brothers and sisters who were too young to enlist but had to watch as their siblings left for a foreign country.

It is for you that I wear my poppy, and it is for you that on this day, I will visit my local memorial, lay a wreath, and weep silently for you as they play Last Post.

If you have found this web entry, please watch the attached Youtube video...I have embedded it for this very special entry.

You may be gone, but you will never be forgotten!



LiveSTRONG!

This One's For You Caleb!

I wanted to do something different and just post some lyrics to a song that has come to make me think about Caleb every time I hear it. This one is for you baby, I love you more than life itself!

Angels
------

I sit and wait
does an angel contemplate my fate
and do they know
the places where we go
when we’re grey and old
‘cos I’ve been told
that salvation lets their wings unfold
so when I’m lying in my bed
thoughts running through my head
and I feel that love is dead
I’m loving angels instead

and through it all he offers me protection
a lot of love and affection
whether I’m right or wrong
and down the waterfall
wherever it may take me
I know that life wont break me
when I come to call he wont forsake me
I’m loving angels instead

when I’m feeling weak
and my pain walks down a one way street
I look above
and I know ill always be blessed with love
and as the feeling grows
he breathes flesh to my bones
and when love is dead
I’m loving angels instead

and through it all he offers me protection
a lot of love and affection
whether I’m right or wrong
and down the waterfall
wherever it may take me
I know that life wont break me
when I come to call he wont forsake me
I’m loving angels instead

LiveSTRONG!

Through Caleb's Eyes

Phil Collins wrote a song called, "Through My Eyes" and I have heard it more than once on the radio but never really stopped to think carefully about the message until the events of the last week and a bit.

Most of you have no idea about this situation but my boyfriend Caleb, has made the decision to press charges against his father for diddling him as a kid. I can only imagine the tremendous courage and inner strength it must take to make the decision to approach the police, admit what has been done to you, and then ask them to arrest one half of the relationship responsible for you being here today. Indeed, to see the world through his eyes would be something very unique.

With that said, I thought I would take a moment and blog about the world through Caleb's eyes. Of course, this is purely hypothetical because I am not Caleb and I can only imagine what the world looks like to him.

When I think of what he must have seen, I see a boy who laid there helpless well a man he trusted took turns pleasing himself with little to no regard for how it would impact his son. The world must have seemed very strange...to grow up having experienced your father doing things to you that no parent should ever do and then continue to grow up and discover that you also have very strong feelings for being with guys. I can hardly begin to understand how alienating it must seem to be dealing with the issues of being an abused child and then those issues of being a gay teenager.

So you opt to leave home and start making a life on the street because you can no longer stand being around your parents and the thought of telling them you have feelings for guys could lead to you being beaten, thrown out, or just ridiculed even more. You venture out and make your life on the street, you learn to find food in places most people would not be caught dead eating at or in and you find places to sleep that most people would not be caught dead at unless you get lucky and manage to get a bed in a shelter.

Along the way you get addicted to various narcotics and your life spirals out of control. Suddenly you find yourself, alone, on the street, no real education, no real prospects, not eating right, and on the edge.

So you live your life this way for a while until you come across some kid who stumbles into your life with no warning. You meet him, fall in love with him, and then move in with his family. Finally things begin to turn...you enroll in school, get into fights to find your place among the new kids. You join the football team to make some new friends and find something constructive to do and to keep you off the drugs well you go through your addicts anonymous program.

You start working and save money for the future and start living by house rules and turning your life around...till you reach the point where you decide its time to find closure at the root of all the evil in your life and so you approach the police and tell your story.

Today the police will be arresting Caleb's father. I can only imagine what he must be feeling...I can only imagine how the world must look to him this morning.

I have taken a long look through his eyes at a boy who has suffered more than anyone should have to in one lifetime and yet for all the right reasons, I know in my heart of hearts, I am the luckiest guy alive because I get to love him in a way that is real and beautiful. Take a look through my eyes....

LiveSTRONG!

Think Of Me, Think Of Me Fondly!

I think I have spent a lot of time in the past writing about the impact of music in terms of our emotions and how a song can bring about one set of fellings, very powerful and moving, for one person and yet mean absolutely nothing to another person. Its funny how the sound in connection to the words can make us think and or feel something that triggers an emotional response and yet if you play that very same song for another person they might not feel anything whatsoever. This whole topic fascinates me. Let me tell you why.

When I was deaf, my ability to respond to stimuli were really restricted to those things which I could smell, taste, touch, or see. Sound had no relevance to me, it did not make me feel anything. It has been said that smell is the most powerful sense of them all in terms of its ability to evoke an emotional response. Indeed, the smell of my mom's chocolate chip cookies makes me feel warm inside. The smell of a squash being cooked makes me think of the Fall and the feeling of the Harvest. Funnier still is when I walk into a bakery and smell chocolate chip cookies I immediately think of my mom in her kitchen and HER cookies...and all the happy memories that come with that smell. Likewise, the smell of Caleb's brutal football equipment, or more specifically the damn socks makes me think of things that are not quite so pleasant...its not that the kid has a bad foot odour thing going on as much as it is that leaving that smelly bag of his on the bedroom floor instead of shoving it in the basement near the washing machine is making me crazy...thus I think I will forever link the smell of sweaty gym socks to Caleb and Football LOL

Anyway, sound or more specifically music, has had a profound effect on me. As you can probably tell by my post and fascination with the Phantom, music has had a massive impact on me. Sound has had a huge impact on me. Suddenly descriptive terms like, "there was a knock on the door", "The bang of the gun could be heard for miles", "The roar of an engine or a crackling fire" all make sense to me now. I understand how to connect those sounds with images and more importantly, they trigger an emotional response. That response could be fear, fascination, peace, love, it could be anything. As I get to better understand and experience the things related to the sound, I will begin to make those connections that make us have a response.

So how does that relate to music? Well I talked to Caleb and asked him if he had a song to which he had a particular emotional attachment and he said that for him it was was Greenwheel's, "Breathe". I listened to the story in the song and began to understand why it had such importance to him. It was the music of his life...his heart...and his soul.

I spent the weekend trying to pick just one song that I would want the world at large to connect to me. A song that for those who heard it and knew me, would forever link me to them and the song itself. After much contemplation I chose the only song that could ever make sense for me. My old friend Phantom came through for me and it was ridiculous to try and avoid it.

The music of MY LIFE, MY soul, and MY heart is and always will be, "Think Of Me". I have chosen to include David Archuletta's version of this song because it was originally written for a woman but David delivers it with a sincere honesty that I feel very much speaks to me.

I hope you enjoy it and whenever you hear it, I hope you "Think Of Me"

LiveSTRONG!

In My Heart You Remain

Hi Karen

Words can not describe the tremendous sense of loss I feel knowing that you have left this earthly abode for heaven above. In a time of great pain and despair you were a ray of light and a sense of hope and courage. I will never forget my chemo treatments and the day you showed up beside me, and with just a few words, you gave me courage and strength. It was your gentle manner, the way you held my hand and told me that the best was still yet to come even though you knew that there was no chance you were going to get better. It was the way you showed me how to LiveSTRONG even when I did not have the strength to live. It was the words of peace that you and I shared as we talked about what life would be like if either one of us made our way to heaven should he call for us. Undoubtedly it was your grace in the face of odds that you were handed that made you someone that was so very different from anyone else. You faced your fight with Cancer with the type of grace, dignity and hope in which I could only dream of. You held my hand and reminded me that life is for living, even when there is not much time in which to live. If nothing else, it was the poem you shared with me when I was unsure about why this was happening to us...Eclesiastes 3:2 will always sitck in my mind. Today Karen, I give you Eclesiastes 3:2 as my parting gift to you as you ascend to heaven and take your place among the angels and I pray you watch over me and my friends, and my family with the same grace, kindness, and love in which you graced this place. I will miss you and treasure you always!

For Karen:

There is an appointed time for everything. And there is a time for every event under heaven

A time to give birth and a time to die;

A time to plant and a time to uproot what is planted.

A time to kill and a time to heal;

A time to tear down and a time to build up.

A time to weep and a time to laugh;

A time to mourn and a time to dance.

A time to throw stones and a time to gather stones;

A time to embrace and a time to shun embracing.

A time to search and a time to give up as lost;

A time to keep and a time to throw away.

A time to tear apart and a time to sew together;

A time to be silent and a time to speak.

A time to love and a time to hate;

A time for war and a time for peace. (Ecclesiastes 3:1-8).

May God shine his countenance upon you always sweetie!

LiveSTRONG!