The right to be who I am is something I feel is very important. I have spent the entirety of my relatively short life being true to myself and what I believe in at any cost. It never ceases to amaze me, how people morph themselves into people they really aren't in an effort to become viewed as more popular, interesting, or socially acceptable. I don't get it. At the end of the day, when the curtain drops, the lights go down and you move on to whatever afterlife, if any, you subscribe to, you will be remembered for what and who you are. Would you rather be remembered as someone you really weren't or would you prefer that people remember you as the person who was true to themselves. Let me expand on this a bit.
Over the course of my years on this planet, I have been seen as mute, and then as a speaking person. I have been seen as both very physically ill and vibrant. I have been seen as both a lover of women and heterosexual and a lover of men and homosexual. I have been seen as both weak and strong, smart and dumb, simple and complicated. I have been seen as many things, but which of these is me? Which of them is you? How do you decide or how do you know which is the real you? What a conflicting existence we all live in.
Through everything that has happened, I have always held on to certain core values...things that at the deepest levels of who I am, remain unchanged. If you have spent any time talking to me then you have come to know some of those things. Those of you who really know me either personally or through my cyberconnection to you, know I am honest to a fault...I call it like it is even if it might pain you to hear it. You know I have a very unusual sense of humour and that I often laugh at things that many people could not see the humour in. You would know that I am brutally open about who I am even when it means that you could pull me apart for being honest about myself. You would also know that I have a deep and unbending need to help other people and be seen as useful.
I could go on and on and you would likely learn a little more about me but the simple fact is, I do all of the above without compromise, shame or remorse. There are many things I will never understand in life, many mysteries in the world I will never ever understand or comprehend, but who I am is not one of them. People sometimes ask me how I can be so open with perfect strangers and the truth is, I don't have the answer. I only know how to be who I am. I don't have to think about it, I just do it. Some people ask me how I can open myself up to criticism with the sometimes ridiculous things that come out of my mouth or get typed by these fingers, and again, I simply don't know because its all I know.
If you have been following this blog then you know already that I am a pretty open person and I don't make any excuses about that. Now, the question I ask you is, are YOU true to YOURSELF? do you know who and what you are at the most basic level? do you be yourself with other people or do you work on being someone else?
Take it from me people, this life can be short, and the unexpected lurks around every corner. Do you want to waste all your time and energy working on being someone else? Or would you rather spend that same time and energy being who you are with all the energy and zest you can muster?
Actors get paid big money to be someone they are not...so if your not being paid to be someone else, why not just be yourself!
On that note I will leave you to it...go out and be you...whatever that YOU is!
LiveSTRONG!
Tuesday, August 11, 2009
Thursday, August 6, 2009
Those Songs That Make You....
Stop in your tracks or in the middle of whatever thought was going through your head. You know the songs I am talking about. Your wedding song, the song on the radio when you first made out with your partner in the car, the song that played when you first had sex...or the song that was in your head anyway HAHA.
We all have those songs that mean something. Maybe you think about a certain someone when you hear it on the radio. Maybe you stop and think that song is speaking to you, to your life, to your very soul and you can't help but stop and catch your breath. Until I was able to hear, I never truly understood how powerful a song could be. I want to take this a step further though. Is it the song or the singer? Is it the lyrics or the manner in which they are delivered? does it matter? For me personally, its the lyrics and then the manner in which they are delivered. For example, I have heard three different versions of Elton John's, "Levon". I have heard Taylor Hicks sing it, Bon Jovi Sing it, and Elton sing it. For me, Elton delivers it the best. Is it because it is the original? maybe but not quite. I think there is a little something extra that you feel in Elton's voice. This is just one example though. I guess it begs the question, can a cover be as good or better than the original? More on that in a minute.
Throughout my blog, I have spoken many times about the power of music. I have shared songs that mean something to me or to my relationship with Caleb. For me, it was more the lyrics than the singer, but truth be told, there are some songs that simply sound better when they are sung by a certain person. Now, is that because the artist themselves are better or is it that they made better use of artistic impression. An example of this would be "Praying For Time" by George Michael. In my humble and limited opinion, his Unplugged version is FAR AND AWAY better than the original...and yet its the same artist. Carrie Underwood covered the song using the same slowed down, ballady approach and I think she is almost as good as the original. Maybe not quite better than, but definitely near as good as. Interestingly, had I never heard the George Michael unplugged version, I would have said that Carrie was far and away the better version. So again, is it the song, the singer or the way the singer delivers that makes the difference?
All good questions and ones I wont be able to answer in one entry, if I can answer them at all. What I will do though is leave it to you to tell me what you think. Is it the song? the singer? or the artistic impression that makes you stop and make a song special for you? what songs are close to your heart? share them with me in the comments section...its how I find new music to listen to and enjoy.
On that note, I will leave you with a song that really hit me. It made me think of Caleb and his experiences when I heard it. Its definitely an emotional song if you make the connection. Even if you don't, its still very powerful in its own right. Interestingly, it is a cover of the original and yet I personally feel the cover is better. Don't get me wrong, the original is good but the cover is more contemporary and it feels as if the dust was blown off the song and it was given a new lease on life.
Okay, enough talking, I give you, Kris Allen of American Idol fame and the cover of "Falling Slowly"
LiveSTRONG!
We all have those songs that mean something. Maybe you think about a certain someone when you hear it on the radio. Maybe you stop and think that song is speaking to you, to your life, to your very soul and you can't help but stop and catch your breath. Until I was able to hear, I never truly understood how powerful a song could be. I want to take this a step further though. Is it the song or the singer? Is it the lyrics or the manner in which they are delivered? does it matter? For me personally, its the lyrics and then the manner in which they are delivered. For example, I have heard three different versions of Elton John's, "Levon". I have heard Taylor Hicks sing it, Bon Jovi Sing it, and Elton sing it. For me, Elton delivers it the best. Is it because it is the original? maybe but not quite. I think there is a little something extra that you feel in Elton's voice. This is just one example though. I guess it begs the question, can a cover be as good or better than the original? More on that in a minute.
Throughout my blog, I have spoken many times about the power of music. I have shared songs that mean something to me or to my relationship with Caleb. For me, it was more the lyrics than the singer, but truth be told, there are some songs that simply sound better when they are sung by a certain person. Now, is that because the artist themselves are better or is it that they made better use of artistic impression. An example of this would be "Praying For Time" by George Michael. In my humble and limited opinion, his Unplugged version is FAR AND AWAY better than the original...and yet its the same artist. Carrie Underwood covered the song using the same slowed down, ballady approach and I think she is almost as good as the original. Maybe not quite better than, but definitely near as good as. Interestingly, had I never heard the George Michael unplugged version, I would have said that Carrie was far and away the better version. So again, is it the song, the singer or the way the singer delivers that makes the difference?
All good questions and ones I wont be able to answer in one entry, if I can answer them at all. What I will do though is leave it to you to tell me what you think. Is it the song? the singer? or the artistic impression that makes you stop and make a song special for you? what songs are close to your heart? share them with me in the comments section...its how I find new music to listen to and enjoy.
On that note, I will leave you with a song that really hit me. It made me think of Caleb and his experiences when I heard it. Its definitely an emotional song if you make the connection. Even if you don't, its still very powerful in its own right. Interestingly, it is a cover of the original and yet I personally feel the cover is better. Don't get me wrong, the original is good but the cover is more contemporary and it feels as if the dust was blown off the song and it was given a new lease on life.
Okay, enough talking, I give you, Kris Allen of American Idol fame and the cover of "Falling Slowly"
LiveSTRONG!
Sunday, August 2, 2009
Take It From The Top
I am thinking the first thing I should do is let you all know what has been happening for the last almost year now. I wont attempt to cover it all in one post, that would be insane, but I will spend the next few posts going over a few things here and there and fill you in the best I can.
For now, I think we will take a high level view of the last little while. I suppose the burning question people are probably wondering is, am I still with Caleb? Well, the truth is YES I AM!!! Caleb and I are still going strong, and in fact I think I am more in love with him now than I was before, if thats even remotely possible. He and I have really deepened our connection with each other and there is even talk that perhaps one day we will marry each other. First things first though, he needs to complete school and so do I. Oh yeah, thats right, you didn't know...Caleb is back in school. He is making his way through the education system and he is doing quite well. The first little bit was rough, trying to adjust to being in school but he settled in nice and even joined the football team. More about that in a future post. As for me, I wrapped up my first year of my Bachelor of Health Science program and survived my Frosh year at Uni. I am taking a B. HSc in preparation for med school. The program I am in now runs 3 or 4 years depending on if you go honours and then from there you can move into a variety of grad programs. My heart is set on medicine though. I want to become a pediatrician for deaf children...and regular kids, but definitely deaf kids. I think it is something that is needed and I know I can serve that area really well HAHA. Caleb wants me to become a surgeon, but I dont think I have the stomach for it. He thinks that surgeons are much cooler but I disagree, I think they are just much snobbier LOL
So aside from school, Caleb continues to work Part time at Tim's slinging coffee. He has done really well saving money, and is clean and still attending his meetings. He does not even think about drug use anymore...he tells me he has moved past that phase of his life and I believe him.
When neither of us is in school and he is not working, you can usually find us in Toronto doing the club scene. We usually spend most of the night at some sleek little gay bar somewhere, chatting with friends, laughing, drinking, and politely declining those who have had way to much to drink and think that either of us want to spend the night with them LOL. Don't get me wrong, I am not a snob, I love Caleb and although I know we are both young and relatively good looking, that does not mean we want to go whoring LOL. WOW that sounded really rude but its true...the culture in the community can be very superficial at times...a world where age and looks are everything. The younger you look the better you look the more likely you are to get hit on HAHA.
Anyway, aside from that, we also continue to do the things we always do...go for coffee...go walking...rough house in the house when the parental unit is away which usually leads to...well you know where that leads to LOL
So there is your high level view...there is of course much more going on than that, but I will get into that later. I just wanted to make sure everyone knew that all is well and things are coming along nicely.
Until later,
LiveSTRONG!
For now, I think we will take a high level view of the last little while. I suppose the burning question people are probably wondering is, am I still with Caleb? Well, the truth is YES I AM!!! Caleb and I are still going strong, and in fact I think I am more in love with him now than I was before, if thats even remotely possible. He and I have really deepened our connection with each other and there is even talk that perhaps one day we will marry each other. First things first though, he needs to complete school and so do I. Oh yeah, thats right, you didn't know...Caleb is back in school. He is making his way through the education system and he is doing quite well. The first little bit was rough, trying to adjust to being in school but he settled in nice and even joined the football team. More about that in a future post. As for me, I wrapped up my first year of my Bachelor of Health Science program and survived my Frosh year at Uni. I am taking a B. HSc in preparation for med school. The program I am in now runs 3 or 4 years depending on if you go honours and then from there you can move into a variety of grad programs. My heart is set on medicine though. I want to become a pediatrician for deaf children...and regular kids, but definitely deaf kids. I think it is something that is needed and I know I can serve that area really well HAHA. Caleb wants me to become a surgeon, but I dont think I have the stomach for it. He thinks that surgeons are much cooler but I disagree, I think they are just much snobbier LOL
So aside from school, Caleb continues to work Part time at Tim's slinging coffee. He has done really well saving money, and is clean and still attending his meetings. He does not even think about drug use anymore...he tells me he has moved past that phase of his life and I believe him.
When neither of us is in school and he is not working, you can usually find us in Toronto doing the club scene. We usually spend most of the night at some sleek little gay bar somewhere, chatting with friends, laughing, drinking, and politely declining those who have had way to much to drink and think that either of us want to spend the night with them LOL. Don't get me wrong, I am not a snob, I love Caleb and although I know we are both young and relatively good looking, that does not mean we want to go whoring LOL. WOW that sounded really rude but its true...the culture in the community can be very superficial at times...a world where age and looks are everything. The younger you look the better you look the more likely you are to get hit on HAHA.
Anyway, aside from that, we also continue to do the things we always do...go for coffee...go walking...rough house in the house when the parental unit is away which usually leads to...well you know where that leads to LOL
So there is your high level view...there is of course much more going on than that, but I will get into that later. I just wanted to make sure everyone knew that all is well and things are coming along nicely.
Until later,
LiveSTRONG!
Saturday, August 1, 2009
Welcome Home My Old Friend
They say that absence makes the heart grow fonder. Indeed its true. I have not been here to blog in a long time now. It was more a product of my own business that I walked away from this adventure only to find myself missing something. It is because I understand the value of this blog and the feedback I get from those who read it that I am returning. This is an important place for me. If you have ever moved from your original family home, only to drive back from time to time to look at it from the outside, then you understand what I am saying about this blog. Like the old family home, this is my home, my place, the space in which the contents of my mind are laid out in endless wonder.
Indeed, welcome home. It feels good to slip into this role again like one slips on an old pair of comfy jeans. It just feels good, and it feels right, even though you know that you really should be wearing something nicer.
To those who travel to this space to read the ramblings and musings of this author, welcome back! I missed you and I do hope you missed me as well. I wont fail to keep myself rolling with this site this time. You deserve much more than I have given you the last while and simply wont let my own self indulgent decadence take over again.
There is much to blog about and yet so very much time in which to do it god willing. So, lets open a bottle of fine wine, pour ourselves a glass and sit back to savour the conversation and flavour together. If you are a loyal follower than you know where this journey has taken me already, now I want to share where it has taken me since. Along the way I will of course share my usual brand of eccentric musings on subjects that reach well beyond what you would expect from me. As I always say when it comes to the world I live in......expect the unexpected!
So I have rambled and dragged on here enough, reflective and self indulgent indeed. Now its time to begin. Lets dim the lights, and cue the music, raise the curtain boys, the show is about to begin!
LiveSTRONG!
Indeed, welcome home. It feels good to slip into this role again like one slips on an old pair of comfy jeans. It just feels good, and it feels right, even though you know that you really should be wearing something nicer.
To those who travel to this space to read the ramblings and musings of this author, welcome back! I missed you and I do hope you missed me as well. I wont fail to keep myself rolling with this site this time. You deserve much more than I have given you the last while and simply wont let my own self indulgent decadence take over again.
There is much to blog about and yet so very much time in which to do it god willing. So, lets open a bottle of fine wine, pour ourselves a glass and sit back to savour the conversation and flavour together. If you are a loyal follower than you know where this journey has taken me already, now I want to share where it has taken me since. Along the way I will of course share my usual brand of eccentric musings on subjects that reach well beyond what you would expect from me. As I always say when it comes to the world I live in......expect the unexpected!
So I have rambled and dragged on here enough, reflective and self indulgent indeed. Now its time to begin. Lets dim the lights, and cue the music, raise the curtain boys, the show is about to begin!
LiveSTRONG!
Tuesday, November 11, 2008
We Will Remember Them!
They Shall Grow Not Old
As We That Are Left Grow Old
Age Shall Not Weary Them
Nor The Years Condemn
At The Going Down Of The Sun
And In The Morning
WE WILL REMEMBER THEM
Never have truer words been spoken about the brave men and women who have given their lives and today put their lives on the line for the blanket of freedom we sleep under each and every night. Indeed, the brave soldiers who wear the Maple Leaf on their uniforms and for all those who have worn it before, we owe you a debt that may never ever be paid in full.
On this day, and the several days before it, I wear a poppy for you. For the men I will never know, for the wives who watched their husbands go overseas just after exchanging what may have been their last kiss. To the Mothers and Fathers who watched their sons leave home to fight a battle on foreign soil not knowing if they would ever see them alive again. To the brothers and sisters who were too young to enlist but had to watch as their siblings left for a foreign country.
It is for you that I wear my poppy, and it is for you that on this day, I will visit my local memorial, lay a wreath, and weep silently for you as they play Last Post.
If you have found this web entry, please watch the attached Youtube video...I have embedded it for this very special entry.
You may be gone, but you will never be forgotten!
LiveSTRONG!
As We That Are Left Grow Old
Age Shall Not Weary Them
Nor The Years Condemn
At The Going Down Of The Sun
And In The Morning
WE WILL REMEMBER THEM
Never have truer words been spoken about the brave men and women who have given their lives and today put their lives on the line for the blanket of freedom we sleep under each and every night. Indeed, the brave soldiers who wear the Maple Leaf on their uniforms and for all those who have worn it before, we owe you a debt that may never ever be paid in full.
On this day, and the several days before it, I wear a poppy for you. For the men I will never know, for the wives who watched their husbands go overseas just after exchanging what may have been their last kiss. To the Mothers and Fathers who watched their sons leave home to fight a battle on foreign soil not knowing if they would ever see them alive again. To the brothers and sisters who were too young to enlist but had to watch as their siblings left for a foreign country.
It is for you that I wear my poppy, and it is for you that on this day, I will visit my local memorial, lay a wreath, and weep silently for you as they play Last Post.
If you have found this web entry, please watch the attached Youtube video...I have embedded it for this very special entry.
You may be gone, but you will never be forgotten!
LiveSTRONG!
Thursday, October 30, 2008
This One's For You Caleb!
I wanted to do something different and just post some lyrics to a song that has come to make me think about Caleb every time I hear it. This one is for you baby, I love you more than life itself!
Angels
------
I sit and wait
does an angel contemplate my fate
and do they know
the places where we go
when we’re grey and old
‘cos I’ve been told
that salvation lets their wings unfold
so when I’m lying in my bed
thoughts running through my head
and I feel that love is dead
I’m loving angels instead
and through it all he offers me protection
a lot of love and affection
whether I’m right or wrong
and down the waterfall
wherever it may take me
I know that life wont break me
when I come to call he wont forsake me
I’m loving angels instead
when I’m feeling weak
and my pain walks down a one way street
I look above
and I know ill always be blessed with love
and as the feeling grows
he breathes flesh to my bones
and when love is dead
I’m loving angels instead
and through it all he offers me protection
a lot of love and affection
whether I’m right or wrong
and down the waterfall
wherever it may take me
I know that life wont break me
when I come to call he wont forsake me
I’m loving angels instead
LiveSTRONG!
Angels
------
I sit and wait
does an angel contemplate my fate
and do they know
the places where we go
when we’re grey and old
‘cos I’ve been told
that salvation lets their wings unfold
so when I’m lying in my bed
thoughts running through my head
and I feel that love is dead
I’m loving angels instead
and through it all he offers me protection
a lot of love and affection
whether I’m right or wrong
and down the waterfall
wherever it may take me
I know that life wont break me
when I come to call he wont forsake me
I’m loving angels instead
when I’m feeling weak
and my pain walks down a one way street
I look above
and I know ill always be blessed with love
and as the feeling grows
he breathes flesh to my bones
and when love is dead
I’m loving angels instead
and through it all he offers me protection
a lot of love and affection
whether I’m right or wrong
and down the waterfall
wherever it may take me
I know that life wont break me
when I come to call he wont forsake me
I’m loving angels instead
LiveSTRONG!
Tuesday, October 14, 2008
Through Caleb's Eyes
Phil Collins wrote a song called, "Through My Eyes" and I have heard it more than once on the radio but never really stopped to think carefully about the message until the events of the last week and a bit.
Most of you have no idea about this situation but my boyfriend Caleb, has made the decision to press charges against his father for diddling him as a kid. I can only imagine the tremendous courage and inner strength it must take to make the decision to approach the police, admit what has been done to you, and then ask them to arrest one half of the relationship responsible for you being here today. Indeed, to see the world through his eyes would be something very unique.
With that said, I thought I would take a moment and blog about the world through Caleb's eyes. Of course, this is purely hypothetical because I am not Caleb and I can only imagine what the world looks like to him.
When I think of what he must have seen, I see a boy who laid there helpless well a man he trusted took turns pleasing himself with little to no regard for how it would impact his son. The world must have seemed very strange...to grow up having experienced your father doing things to you that no parent should ever do and then continue to grow up and discover that you also have very strong feelings for being with guys. I can hardly begin to understand how alienating it must seem to be dealing with the issues of being an abused child and then those issues of being a gay teenager.
So you opt to leave home and start making a life on the street because you can no longer stand being around your parents and the thought of telling them you have feelings for guys could lead to you being beaten, thrown out, or just ridiculed even more. You venture out and make your life on the street, you learn to find food in places most people would not be caught dead eating at or in and you find places to sleep that most people would not be caught dead at unless you get lucky and manage to get a bed in a shelter.
Along the way you get addicted to various narcotics and your life spirals out of control. Suddenly you find yourself, alone, on the street, no real education, no real prospects, not eating right, and on the edge.
So you live your life this way for a while until you come across some kid who stumbles into your life with no warning. You meet him, fall in love with him, and then move in with his family. Finally things begin to turn...you enroll in school, get into fights to find your place among the new kids. You join the football team to make some new friends and find something constructive to do and to keep you off the drugs well you go through your addicts anonymous program.
You start working and save money for the future and start living by house rules and turning your life around...till you reach the point where you decide its time to find closure at the root of all the evil in your life and so you approach the police and tell your story.
Today the police will be arresting Caleb's father. I can only imagine what he must be feeling...I can only imagine how the world must look to him this morning.
I have taken a long look through his eyes at a boy who has suffered more than anyone should have to in one lifetime and yet for all the right reasons, I know in my heart of hearts, I am the luckiest guy alive because I get to love him in a way that is real and beautiful. Take a look through my eyes....
LiveSTRONG!
Most of you have no idea about this situation but my boyfriend Caleb, has made the decision to press charges against his father for diddling him as a kid. I can only imagine the tremendous courage and inner strength it must take to make the decision to approach the police, admit what has been done to you, and then ask them to arrest one half of the relationship responsible for you being here today. Indeed, to see the world through his eyes would be something very unique.
With that said, I thought I would take a moment and blog about the world through Caleb's eyes. Of course, this is purely hypothetical because I am not Caleb and I can only imagine what the world looks like to him.
When I think of what he must have seen, I see a boy who laid there helpless well a man he trusted took turns pleasing himself with little to no regard for how it would impact his son. The world must have seemed very strange...to grow up having experienced your father doing things to you that no parent should ever do and then continue to grow up and discover that you also have very strong feelings for being with guys. I can hardly begin to understand how alienating it must seem to be dealing with the issues of being an abused child and then those issues of being a gay teenager.
So you opt to leave home and start making a life on the street because you can no longer stand being around your parents and the thought of telling them you have feelings for guys could lead to you being beaten, thrown out, or just ridiculed even more. You venture out and make your life on the street, you learn to find food in places most people would not be caught dead eating at or in and you find places to sleep that most people would not be caught dead at unless you get lucky and manage to get a bed in a shelter.
Along the way you get addicted to various narcotics and your life spirals out of control. Suddenly you find yourself, alone, on the street, no real education, no real prospects, not eating right, and on the edge.
So you live your life this way for a while until you come across some kid who stumbles into your life with no warning. You meet him, fall in love with him, and then move in with his family. Finally things begin to turn...you enroll in school, get into fights to find your place among the new kids. You join the football team to make some new friends and find something constructive to do and to keep you off the drugs well you go through your addicts anonymous program.
You start working and save money for the future and start living by house rules and turning your life around...till you reach the point where you decide its time to find closure at the root of all the evil in your life and so you approach the police and tell your story.
Today the police will be arresting Caleb's father. I can only imagine what he must be feeling...I can only imagine how the world must look to him this morning.
I have taken a long look through his eyes at a boy who has suffered more than anyone should have to in one lifetime and yet for all the right reasons, I know in my heart of hearts, I am the luckiest guy alive because I get to love him in a way that is real and beautiful. Take a look through my eyes....
LiveSTRONG!
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