First Sounds

A Special Dedication In Memoriam to Derry Newbury

2009-10-17T21:47:00.001-07:00

Hey Babe, I know your looking down on all of us from Heaven so I thought I would post this one just for you.

If there is one thing I know for certain babe, Cancer broke your body but it didn't break your spirit

This video is for you!

Missing you always,

Caleb

Derry Newbury -- 1988 - 2009 R.I.P

2009-10-15T13:18:00.000-07:00

This is the last entry into this blog. I want it to be the final memorial page for Derry.

If you dont know, Derry passed away 2 days ago after a return fight with his brain cancer. He fought really really hard but he could not beat it this time.

I miss him so much and its killin me that hes not here no more. I dont really know what to say here so I am just gonna leave it to you guys to put up whatever comments you want and I am gonna share some stuff in the comments part as well bout the stuff we did and the fun stuff and the good times and the bad times and all that stuff.

I know Derry always used music to share things and talk bout stuff using songs and stuff to get his message out so I think this part is right. Near the end Derry played a song for me that he said was like the most important thing he wanted to tell me and everyone else so yeah, here you go. I am puttin up the words and I am postin the video here too. For real people, this song makes me cry so much every time I hear it cuz its so true and it meant so much to him.

If you wanna share somethin go ahead in the comments cuz this is now the Derry Newbury Memorial Page

If Today Was Your Last Day -- Nickelback

My best friend gave me the best advice
He said each day's a gift and not a given right
Leave no stone unturned, leave your fears behind
And try to take the path less traveled by
That first step you take is the longest stride

If today was your last day and tomorrow was too late
Could you say goodbye to yesterday?
Would you live each moment like your last
Leave old pictures in the past?
Donate every dime you had, if today was your last day?
What if, what if, if today was your last day?

Against the grain should be a way of life
What's worth the price is always worth the fight
Every second counts 'cause there's no second try
So live like you're never living twice
Don't take the free ride in your own life

If today was your last day and tomorrow was too late
Could you say goodbye to yesterday?
Would you live each moment like your last?
Leave old pictures in the past?
Donate every dime you had?

And would you call those friends you never see?
Reminisce old memories?
Would you forgive your enemies?
And would you find that one you're dreaming of?
Swear up and down to God above
That you'd finally fall in love if today was your last day?

If today was your last day
Would you make your mark by mending a broken heart?
You know it's never too late to shoot for the stars
Regardless of who you are

So do whatever it takes
'Cause you can't rewind a moment in this life
Let nothing stand in your way
'Cause the hands of time are never on your side

If today was your last day and tomorrow was too late
Could you say goodbye to yesterday?
Would you live each moment like your last?
Leave old pictures in the past?
Donate every dime you had?

And would you call those friends you never see?
Reminisce old memories?
Would you forgive your enemies?
And would you find that one you're dreaming of
Swear up and down to God above
That you'd finally fall in love if today was your last day?

A Special Message From My Hero...Lance Armstrong!

2009-08-24T10:32:00.000-07:00

Three days: 10,000 signatures

Dear Friends,

Three days to add 10,000 signatures, will you add your name?

Sign the Declaration

Last month when I started the Tour de France, I asked you to join me in signing the World Cancer Declaration. The response has been staggering —more than 100,000 of us have added our names to this urgent global push to fight cancer.

In three days, the LIVESTRONG Global Cancer Summit here in Dublin will come to a close. It’s an incredibly rare opportunity to urge some of the most powerful people in the world to commit the time, energy and resources needed to make a world without cancer a reality. And we can do just that if we add 10,000 more signatures to the Declaration before the Summit ends on Wednesday.

Will you sign the Declaration and then ask your friends and family to help us add 10,000 commitments by Wednesday night? It only takes a moment and every name counts:

Sign Up Here

Cancer affects all of us. By 2010, cancer is projected to become the leading cause of death worldwide, yet the fight against cancer lacks urgency and focus. That is why we must take matters into our own hands and force cancer onto the global agenda.

The LIVESTRONG Global Cancer Summit in Dublin will do just that by bringing governments, communities and survivors from all over the world together pushing for new commitments to stem the growing impact of cancer around the globe. Closing this commitment gap is a critical step towards a world without cancer.

We have just three more days to make the World Cancer Declaration as powerful as possible. Every additional name we add will lend weight to our cause; every single new voice adds urgency to our fight. I know we can reach our goal if each and every one of us signs the Declaration and asks someone close to us to add their name too.

Will you sign the Declaration and also ask a friend or family member to join us before Wednesday night? It only takes a moment and will make a big difference:

Sign Here

LIVESTRONG,

Lance and the LIVESTRONG Action Team

Trick or Tweet

2009-08-18T09:04:00.000-07:00

I dont Tweet, and I barely facebook and for that I am considered a social outcast.

I just dont see the need for me to broadcast what I am doing every minute of the day...I also don't see the need to do it on Facebook. Now, I do use facebook from time to time but I dont use it to the same extent that some people do. I guess I dont see or feel the need to comment on how I am feeling, what I am doing, what I am thinking, every couple of hours. Now, that being said, I DO blog, obviously. For me though, the difference is, blogging is something I do every couple of days and I usually pick a topic and expand on it. I dont blog every hour or so just to tell you that I am at a club in Toronto having a beer and hanging out with Caleb. Seriously, do you really need that sort of detail from me? would it really matter? is it going to somehow change your plans? No, I didn't think so.

Okay so I am off my soapbox and given that there are so many people out there who Tweet, I thought I would search out an article or two on the nuances of the Tweet. In all my searching, and yes, I dare you to type "Tweet" or "Twitter" into a google search box and see how many hits YOU get. So seeing as I likely have more time on my hands than the average person, and that may be a stretch given the number of Tweets and Facebooker comments that stream through, here are some interesting facts about Tweeting.

First off, to no surprise, a study has shown that approximately 40% of all tweets that get sent, are actually nothing more than useless babble. Does that really surprise? Not me, even though I am sure I need to know which dress Amy from San Jose chose to wear this morning LOL

A paltry 3.6% of all tweets were actually news, and that study eliminated any Tweets about Michael Jackson so as not to taint the study. 3.6%...are you serious? So as we can see, 96.4% of the time, the tweets being sent are really not all that useful to the majority of the public.

5.85% of all tweets were self promotion. Again, does that surprise anyone? I am more surprised that this number was not higher. Self promotion is all the rage with sites like Facebook, Myspace and Twitter. Its not that self promotion is bad...far from it, but again, I think it has a limited audience.

Lastly, 37.5% of all tweets were just conversational...meaning they had no news value or any self promotion. They were simply a conversational point and could either be taken or left as is. Conversational as in what I do in this blog, as in just making a statement about something or responding to some other tweet.

Now, for all you professional tweeters out there, allow me to share with you some useful information from the study...when I say useful I mean, here is what you need to do to help your tweet get noticed or re-tweeted.

The best time to tweet is on a Monday or at 11:30 AM Central time. Mondays are the start of the week and most people are reading and preparing for the week. You have a strong likelihood of having your tweet re-tweeted if you post at that time or on Monday.

If you are looking for News Tweets, you might want to post on Tuesday or around 2PM. It is on that day and time that most news related tweets hit the interwave

If you are posting a conversational tweet, do so on Tuesday or between 2-4PM. By this day and/or time, most people are caught up on work or whatever they had planned and now find themselves in a position to get involved in conversational tweeting etc.

So there you have it, the ins and outs of twitter...I still dont do it, and I dont see that changing, but for those of you who do...I hope this blog helped you out a little.

For the time being, I am going to stick to good old fashioned blogging...it may seem and feel like I am traveling in the slow lane, but from this vantage point, I can be a casual observer, and I like that role a whole lot more!

LiveSTRONG!

This Weeks Sign The Apocalypse Is Upon Us (1)

2009-08-14T12:48:00.000-07:00

So I have decided that with this blog, I am going to run a weekly feature. It will be something fun and entertaining so you all have something to look forward too. As you can tell by the title, this will be an ongoing weekly event. With this feature, I will seek out the wildest and most unusual things I can off the internet or the world at large to share with all of you.

So on that note, lets start with this weeks feature!

Today I bring to your attention the brew ha ha that is being made over the Harry Potter Nimbus 2000 broom. Oh yes, it appears that poor old Harry is not just wagging his best parts in front of the general public and causing a stir, now the toy broom based on the one in the movie has been flying off the shelves, but for all the wrong reasons. Let me explain...

It appears that the Nimbus 2000 broom toy not only looks realistic, it also, ahem, vibrates. Yes boys and girls and more girls, the lovely Nimbus 2000 is a hit with the young female segment. It appears that younger girls are lining up to buy this toy, not because it makes them feel like Harry Potter, but more because it makes them squeal like banshees when they fire it up and ride it like Harry Potter would. Apparently the manufacturer had no idea that this was going to happen....yeah right! Give a pre-teen, teen hormonal girl a long stick that vibrates and ENCOURAGE them to place it between their legs and oh yeah, there was no chance that there was going to be an issue.

Parents began writing in that their girls were locking themselves up in their rooms with other girls to the sounds of squeals of excitement...little did the parents know that it was not boyfriends and gossip, but instead the Naughty Nimbus 2000 as I now affectionately call it.

Oh yes, why go out and buy an expensive vibrator when you can not only have the fun of acting like Harry Potter, but you can squeal and squirm like a dog in heat whilst doing it.

So what has happened...the manufcaturer has recalled the offending toy and has appoligized for its mistake. Meanwhile, many of the brooms are still in the marketplace but perhaps are now locked up tighter than the chastity belt that the users were wearing.

The Naughty Nimbus 2000 Vibrating broom is this weeks sign that the appocalypse is upon us

LiveSTRONG!

I Am Who I Am

2009-08-11T17:50:00.001-07:00

The right to be who I am is something I feel is very important. I have spent the entirety of my relatively short life being true to myself and what I believe in at any cost. It never ceases to amaze me, how people morph themselves into people they really aren't in an effort to become viewed as more popular, interesting, or socially acceptable. I don't get it. At the end of the day, when the curtain drops, the lights go down and you move on to whatever afterlife, if any, you subscribe to, you will be remembered for what and who you are. Would you rather be remembered as someone you really weren't or would you prefer that people remember you as the person who was true to themselves. Let me expand on this a bit.

Over the course of my years on this planet, I have been seen as mute, and then as a speaking person. I have been seen as both very physically ill and vibrant. I have been seen as both a lover of women and heterosexual and a lover of men and homosexual. I have been seen as both weak and strong, smart and dumb, simple and complicated. I have been seen as many things, but which of these is me? Which of them is you? How do you decide or how do you know which is the real you? What a conflicting existence we all live in.

Through everything that has happened, I have always held on to certain core values...things that at the deepest levels of who I am, remain unchanged. If you have spent any time talking to me then you have come to know some of those things. Those of you who really know me either personally or through my cyberconnection to you, know I am honest to a fault...I call it like it is even if it might pain you to hear it. You know I have a very unusual sense of humour and that I often laugh at things that many people could not see the humour in. You would know that I am brutally open about who I am even when it means that you could pull me apart for being honest about myself. You would also know that I have a deep and unbending need to help other people and be seen as useful.

I could go on and on and you would likely learn a little more about me but the simple fact is, I do all of the above without compromise, shame or remorse. There are many things I will never understand in life, many mysteries in the world I will never ever understand or comprehend, but who I am is not one of them. People sometimes ask me how I can be so open with perfect strangers and the truth is, I don't have the answer. I only know how to be who I am. I don't have to think about it, I just do it. Some people ask me how I can open myself up to criticism with the sometimes ridiculous things that come out of my mouth or get typed by these fingers, and again, I simply don't know because its all I know.

If you have been following this blog then you know already that I am a pretty open person and I don't make any excuses about that. Now, the question I ask you is, are YOU true to YOURSELF? do you know who and what you are at the most basic level? do you be yourself with other people or do you work on being someone else?

Take it from me people, this life can be short, and the unexpected lurks around every corner. Do you want to waste all your time and energy working on being someone else? Or would you rather spend that same time and energy being who you are with all the energy and zest you can muster?

Actors get paid big money to be someone they are not...so if your not being paid to be someone else, why not just be yourself!

On that note I will leave you to it...go out and be you...whatever that YOU is!

LiveSTRONG!

Those Songs That Make You....

2009-08-06T12:01:00.000-07:00

Stop in your tracks or in the middle of whatever thought was going through your head. You know the songs I am talking about. Your wedding song, the song on the radio when you first made out with your partner in the car, the song that played when you first had sex...or the song that was in your head anyway HAHA.

We all have those songs that mean something. Maybe you think about a certain someone when you hear it on the radio. Maybe you stop and think that song is speaking to you, to your life, to your very soul and you can't help but stop and catch your breath. Until I was able to hear, I never truly understood how powerful a song could be. I want to take this a step further though. Is it the song or the singer? Is it the lyrics or the manner in which they are delivered? does it matter? For me personally, its the lyrics and then the manner in which they are delivered. For example, I have heard three different versions of Elton John's, "Levon". I have heard Taylor Hicks sing it, Bon Jovi Sing it, and Elton sing it. For me, Elton delivers it the best. Is it because it is the original? maybe but not quite. I think there is a little something extra that you feel in Elton's voice. This is just one example though. I guess it begs the question, can a cover be as good or better than the original? More on that in a minute.

Throughout my blog, I have spoken many times about the power of music. I have shared songs that mean something to me or to my relationship with Caleb. For me, it was more the lyrics than the singer, but truth be told, there are some songs that simply sound better when they are sung by a certain person. Now, is that because the artist themselves are better or is it that they made better use of artistic impression. An example of this would be "Praying For Time" by George Michael. In my humble and limited opinion, his Unplugged version is FAR AND AWAY better than the original...and yet its the same artist. Carrie Underwood covered the song using the same slowed down, ballady approach and I think she is almost as good as the original. Maybe not quite better than, but definitely near as good as. Interestingly, had I never heard the George Michael unplugged version, I would have said that Carrie was far and away the better version. So again, is it the song, the singer or the way the singer delivers that makes the difference?

All good questions and ones I wont be able to answer in one entry, if I can answer them at all. What I will do though is leave it to you to tell me what you think. Is it the song? the singer? or the artistic impression that makes you stop and make a song special for you? what songs are close to your heart? share them with me in the comments section...its how I find new music to listen to and enjoy.

On that note, I will leave you with a song that really hit me. It made me think of Caleb and his experiences when I heard it. Its definitely an emotional song if you make the connection. Even if you don't, its still very powerful in its own right. Interestingly, it is a cover of the original and yet I personally feel the cover is better. Don't get me wrong, the original is good but the cover is more contemporary and it feels as if the dust was blown off the song and it was given a new lease on life.

Okay, enough talking, I give you, Kris Allen of American Idol fame and the cover of "Falling Slowly"

LiveSTRONG!

Take It From The Top

2009-08-02T08:53:00.000-07:00

I am thinking the first thing I should do is let you all know what has been happening for the last almost year now. I wont attempt to cover it all in one post, that would be insane, but I will spend the next few posts going over a few things here and there and fill you in the best I can.

For now, I think we will take a high level view of the last little while. I suppose the burning question people are probably wondering is, am I still with Caleb? Well, the truth is YES I AM!!! Caleb and I are still going strong, and in fact I think I am more in love with him now than I was before, if thats even remotely possible. He and I have really deepened our connection with each other and there is even talk that perhaps one day we will marry each other. First things first though, he needs to complete school and so do I. Oh yeah, thats right, you didn't know...Caleb is back in school. He is making his way through the education system and he is doing quite well. The first little bit was rough, trying to adjust to being in school but he settled in nice and even joined the football team. More about that in a future post. As for me, I wrapped up my first year of my Bachelor of Health Science program and survived my Frosh year at Uni. I am taking a B. HSc in preparation for med school. The program I am in now runs 3 or 4 years depending on if you go honours and then from there you can move into a variety of grad programs. My heart is set on medicine though. I want to become a pediatrician for deaf children...and regular kids, but definitely deaf kids. I think it is something that is needed and I know I can serve that area really well HAHA. Caleb wants me to become a surgeon, but I dont think I have the stomach for it. He thinks that surgeons are much cooler but I disagree, I think they are just much snobbier LOL

So aside from school, Caleb continues to work Part time at Tim's slinging coffee. He has done really well saving money, and is clean and still attending his meetings. He does not even think about drug use anymore...he tells me he has moved past that phase of his life and I believe him.

When neither of us is in school and he is not working, you can usually find us in Toronto doing the club scene. We usually spend most of the night at some sleek little gay bar somewhere, chatting with friends, laughing, drinking, and politely declining those who have had way to much to drink and think that either of us want to spend the night with them LOL. Don't get me wrong, I am not a snob, I love Caleb and although I know we are both young and relatively good looking, that does not mean we want to go whoring LOL. WOW that sounded really rude but its true...the culture in the community can be very superficial at times...a world where age and looks are everything. The younger you look the better you look the more likely you are to get hit on HAHA.

Anyway, aside from that, we also continue to do the things we always do...go for coffee...go walking...rough house in the house when the parental unit is away which usually leads to...well you know where that leads to LOL

So there is your high level view...there is of course much more going on than that, but I will get into that later. I just wanted to make sure everyone knew that all is well and things are coming along nicely.

Until later,

LiveSTRONG!

Welcome Home My Old Friend

2009-08-01T07:42:00.000-07:00

They say that absence makes the heart grow fonder. Indeed its true. I have not been here to blog in a long time now. It was more a product of my own business that I walked away from this adventure only to find myself missing something. It is because I understand the value of this blog and the feedback I get from those who read it that I am returning. This is an important place for me. If you have ever moved from your original family home, only to drive back from time to time to look at it from the outside, then you understand what I am saying about this blog. Like the old family home, this is my home, my place, the space in which the contents of my mind are laid out in endless wonder.

Indeed, welcome home. It feels good to slip into this role again like one slips on an old pair of comfy jeans. It just feels good, and it feels right, even though you know that you really should be wearing something nicer.

To those who travel to this space to read the ramblings and musings of this author, welcome back! I missed you and I do hope you missed me as well. I wont fail to keep myself rolling with this site this time. You deserve much more than I have given you the last while and simply wont let my own self indulgent decadence take over again.

There is much to blog about and yet so very much time in which to do it god willing. So, lets open a bottle of fine wine, pour ourselves a glass and sit back to savour the conversation and flavour together. If you are a loyal follower than you know where this journey has taken me already, now I want to share where it has taken me since. Along the way I will of course share my usual brand of eccentric musings on subjects that reach well beyond what you would expect from me. As I always say when it comes to the world I live in......expect the unexpected!

So I have rambled and dragged on here enough, reflective and self indulgent indeed. Now its time to begin. Lets dim the lights, and cue the music, raise the curtain boys, the show is about to begin!

LiveSTRONG!

We Will Remember Them!

2008-11-11T06:11:00.001-08:00

They Shall Grow Not Old
As We That Are Left Grow Old
Age Shall Not Weary Them
Nor The Years Condemn
At The Going Down Of The Sun
And In The Morning
WE WILL REMEMBER THEM

Never have truer words been spoken about the brave men and women who have given their lives and today put their lives on the line for the blanket of freedom we sleep under each and every night. Indeed, the brave soldiers who wear the Maple Leaf on their uniforms and for all those who have worn it before, we owe you a debt that may never ever be paid in full.

On this day, and the several days before it, I wear a poppy for you. For the men I will never know, for the wives who watched their husbands go overseas just after exchanging what may have been their last kiss. To the Mothers and Fathers who watched their sons leave home to fight a battle on foreign soil not knowing if they would ever see them alive again. To the brothers and sisters who were too young to enlist but had to watch as their siblings left for a foreign country.

It is for you that I wear my poppy, and it is for you that on this day, I will visit my local memorial, lay a wreath, and weep silently for you as they play Last Post.

If you have found this web entry, please watch the attached Youtube video...I have embedded it for this very special entry.

You may be gone, but you will never be forgotten!

LiveSTRONG!

This One's For You Caleb!

2008-10-30T19:12:00.000-07:00

I wanted to do something different and just post some lyrics to a song that has come to make me think about Caleb every time I hear it. This one is for you baby, I love you more than life itself!

Angels
------

I sit and wait
does an angel contemplate my fate
and do they know
the places where we go
when we’re grey and old
‘cos I’ve been told
that salvation lets their wings unfold
so when I’m lying in my bed
thoughts running through my head
and I feel that love is dead
I’m loving angels instead

and through it all he offers me protection
a lot of love and affection
whether I’m right or wrong
and down the waterfall
wherever it may take me
I know that life wont break me
when I come to call he wont forsake me
I’m loving angels instead

when I’m feeling weak
and my pain walks down a one way street
I look above
and I know ill always be blessed with love
and as the feeling grows
he breathes flesh to my bones
and when love is dead
I’m loving angels instead

and through it all he offers me protection
a lot of love and affection
whether I’m right or wrong
and down the waterfall
wherever it may take me
I know that life wont break me
when I come to call he wont forsake me
I’m loving angels instead

LiveSTRONG!

Through Caleb's Eyes

2008-10-14T08:24:00.001-07:00

Phil Collins wrote a song called, "Through My Eyes" and I have heard it more than once on the radio but never really stopped to think carefully about the message until the events of the last week and a bit.

Most of you have no idea about this situation but my boyfriend Caleb, has made the decision to press charges against his father for diddling him as a kid. I can only imagine the tremendous courage and inner strength it must take to make the decision to approach the police, admit what has been done to you, and then ask them to arrest one half of the relationship responsible for you being here today. Indeed, to see the world through his eyes would be something very unique.

With that said, I thought I would take a moment and blog about the world through Caleb's eyes. Of course, this is purely hypothetical because I am not Caleb and I can only imagine what the world looks like to him.

When I think of what he must have seen, I see a boy who laid there helpless well a man he trusted took turns pleasing himself with little to no regard for how it would impact his son. The world must have seemed very strange...to grow up having experienced your father doing things to you that no parent should ever do and then continue to grow up and discover that you also have very strong feelings for being with guys. I can hardly begin to understand how alienating it must seem to be dealing with the issues of being an abused child and then those issues of being a gay teenager.

So you opt to leave home and start making a life on the street because you can no longer stand being around your parents and the thought of telling them you have feelings for guys could lead to you being beaten, thrown out, or just ridiculed even more. You venture out and make your life on the street, you learn to find food in places most people would not be caught dead eating at or in and you find places to sleep that most people would not be caught dead at unless you get lucky and manage to get a bed in a shelter.

Along the way you get addicted to various narcotics and your life spirals out of control. Suddenly you find yourself, alone, on the street, no real education, no real prospects, not eating right, and on the edge.

So you live your life this way for a while until you come across some kid who stumbles into your life with no warning. You meet him, fall in love with him, and then move in with his family. Finally things begin to turn...you enroll in school, get into fights to find your place among the new kids. You join the football team to make some new friends and find something constructive to do and to keep you off the drugs well you go through your addicts anonymous program.

You start working and save money for the future and start living by house rules and turning your life around...till you reach the point where you decide its time to find closure at the root of all the evil in your life and so you approach the police and tell your story.

Today the police will be arresting Caleb's father. I can only imagine what he must be feeling...I can only imagine how the world must look to him this morning.

I have taken a long look through his eyes at a boy who has suffered more than anyone should have to in one lifetime and yet for all the right reasons, I know in my heart of hearts, I am the luckiest guy alive because I get to love him in a way that is real and beautiful. Take a look through my eyes....

LiveSTRONG!

Think Of Me, Think Of Me Fondly!

2008-09-29T09:57:00.000-07:00

I think I have spent a lot of time in the past writing about the impact of music in terms of our emotions and how a song can bring about one set of fellings, very powerful and moving, for one person and yet mean absolutely nothing to another person. Its funny how the sound in connection to the words can make us think and or feel something that triggers an emotional response and yet if you play that very same song for another person they might not feel anything whatsoever. This whole topic fascinates me. Let me tell you why.

When I was deaf, my ability to respond to stimuli were really restricted to those things which I could smell, taste, touch, or see. Sound had no relevance to me, it did not make me feel anything. It has been said that smell is the most powerful sense of them all in terms of its ability to evoke an emotional response. Indeed, the smell of my mom's chocolate chip cookies makes me feel warm inside. The smell of a squash being cooked makes me think of the Fall and the feeling of the Harvest. Funnier still is when I walk into a bakery and smell chocolate chip cookies I immediately think of my mom in her kitchen and HER cookies...and all the happy memories that come with that smell. Likewise, the smell of Caleb's brutal football equipment, or more specifically the damn socks makes me think of things that are not quite so pleasant...its not that the kid has a bad foot odour thing going on as much as it is that leaving that smelly bag of his on the bedroom floor instead of shoving it in the basement near the washing machine is making me crazy...thus I think I will forever link the smell of sweaty gym socks to Caleb and Football LOL

Anyway, sound or more specifically music, has had a profound effect on me. As you can probably tell by my post and fascination with the Phantom, music has had a massive impact on me. Sound has had a huge impact on me. Suddenly descriptive terms like, "there was a knock on the door", "The bang of the gun could be heard for miles", "The roar of an engine or a crackling fire" all make sense to me now. I understand how to connect those sounds with images and more importantly, they trigger an emotional response. That response could be fear, fascination, peace, love, it could be anything. As I get to better understand and experience the things related to the sound, I will begin to make those connections that make us have a response.

So how does that relate to music? Well I talked to Caleb and asked him if he had a song to which he had a particular emotional attachment and he said that for him it was was Greenwheel's, "Breathe". I listened to the story in the song and began to understand why it had such importance to him. It was the music of his life...his heart...and his soul.

I spent the weekend trying to pick just one song that I would want the world at large to connect to me. A song that for those who heard it and knew me, would forever link me to them and the song itself. After much contemplation I chose the only song that could ever make sense for me. My old friend Phantom came through for me and it was ridiculous to try and avoid it.

The music of MY LIFE, MY soul, and MY heart is and always will be, "Think Of Me". I have chosen to include David Archuletta's version of this song because it was originally written for a woman but David delivers it with a sincere honesty that I feel very much speaks to me.

I hope you enjoy it and whenever you hear it, I hope you "Think Of Me"

LiveSTRONG!

In My Heart You Remain

2008-09-19T11:44:00.000-07:00

Hi Karen

Words can not describe the tremendous sense of loss I feel knowing that you have left this earthly abode for heaven above. In a time of great pain and despair you were a ray of light and a sense of hope and courage. I will never forget my chemo treatments and the day you showed up beside me, and with just a few words, you gave me courage and strength. It was your gentle manner, the way you held my hand and told me that the best was still yet to come even though you knew that there was no chance you were going to get better. It was the way you showed me how to LiveSTRONG even when I did not have the strength to live. It was the words of peace that you and I shared as we talked about what life would be like if either one of us made our way to heaven should he call for us. Undoubtedly it was your grace in the face of odds that you were handed that made you someone that was so very different from anyone else. You faced your fight with Cancer with the type of grace, dignity and hope in which I could only dream of. You held my hand and reminded me that life is for living, even when there is not much time in which to live. If nothing else, it was the poem you shared with me when I was unsure about why this was happening to us...Eclesiastes 3:2 will always sitck in my mind. Today Karen, I give you Eclesiastes 3:2 as my parting gift to you as you ascend to heaven and take your place among the angels and I pray you watch over me and my friends, and my family with the same grace, kindness, and love in which you graced this place. I will miss you and treasure you always!

For Karen:

There is an appointed time for everything. And there is a time for every event under heaven

A time to give birth and a time to die;

A time to plant and a time to uproot what is planted.

A time to kill and a time to heal;

A time to tear down and a time to build up.

A time to weep and a time to laugh;

A time to mourn and a time to dance.

A time to throw stones and a time to gather stones;

A time to embrace and a time to shun embracing.

A time to search and a time to give up as lost;

A time to keep and a time to throw away.

A time to tear apart and a time to sew together;

A time to be silent and a time to speak.

A time to love and a time to hate;

A time for war and a time for peace. (Ecclesiastes 3:1-8).

May God shine his countenance upon you always sweetie!

LiveSTRONG!

A Song For Momma

2008-09-16T13:12:00.001-07:00

My mom has to be one of the most amazing people I know. I know that most guys who are around my age don't really like to be around their mom's or their mom's do silly things to embarass them in front of their friends but mine is totally different. I actually like spending time with her and talking to her. When you think about it, she has had to deal with a lot when it comes to me. You try working with a child who is/was deaf and struggle to learn sign language so you can communicate with your son. Then you find out much later that he can have an implant done to let him hear and you move through that emotional roller coaster. From there you think its smooth sailing till your son is diagnosed with Cancer and you are told that he may not live more than two years. Then you sit through nerve racking rounds of Chemo and finally a hair raising surgical procedure to excise a tumor from his brain. In the middle of all of this your son tells you he enjoys being with guys and then introduces you to his new boyfriend but only after he disappears for a week and lives in a homeless shelter. Through all of that you accept your son and his boyfriend and offer to let him move in and become part of your family. Once he moves in you offer to be a part of the process of getting his life back on track and you live with the knowledge that your son is regularly having sex with his boyfriend in your own house even though you dont admit you know out loud.

If you could live with all of the above than you would be my mother! Incredible and I love her for it. That does not mean though that I have not had times where I have been mad at her...I am after all, her son. Those times when she got mad at me, washed my mouth out with soap, gave me an all expense paid trip over her knee, preached to me about good and bad, and made me do the things I really did not want to do were all excellent examples of the times when I was probably most mad at her and yet when I look at it now, I know she was only doing her job as a parent and secretly, though I would never admit it to her, I am glad she did what she did when she did it.

My mom is an incredible woman, an incredible cook, an incredible hostage negotiator...okay maybe just negotiator, an incredible doctor to the family, just an incredible person period.

I thought it was time I took time in an entry to tell you how great she was and when I googled for songs about mothers who are amazing I came across a song by a group called, "Boyz to Men" and their song, "A Song For Momma" and I listened to it and it choked me up and made me reflect even harder on how great my mom really is.

This ones for you Mom!

LiveSTRONG!

Spotlight: Zach's Rap Writing Part 1

2008-09-10T06:45:00.000-07:00

I have been lucky to have been able to be a part of some very good rap writing from a great friend. Those of you who dont know my buddy Zach will soon know that he has a real talent for writing Rap. Over the course of a couple on months Zach wrote and emailed out to me a whole albums worth of original work and although it is not my downright favourite genre of music, I give credit to the guy who did the writing. If you have ever listened to or tried to write Rap you will understand that it is not the easiest thing to do.

With that being said, this will be the first of several entries that I will be doing over the course of this month. My hope is that someone out there knows someone in the music industry who can offer some advice, ideas, tips, connection, whatever to help this very talented guy along. Although I am convinced that he will probably pursue other things for a career, it would feel like a total loss to me if somehow this work was not recognized for the quality it is.

Let me turn the floor over to Zach and the first of these entries....

Ladies and Gentlemen...."Spread Yo Shit"

Verse 1:
I done did my share of dirt, flipped my share at work
I'm the nigga that lived and slid through terror turf
Did it big with clever workers who hid the crack
In the back bottled up in that Gerber glass
For what it's worth, I ain't told the half
I'm nearly rambling, y'all dick handling
Telling my past and you don't know me, Jack
Derry the name's Zach and I'm bout to expose these motherfuckas

Chorus (singing):
When I was down you had a lot to say
You should mind your business and walk away
Talk about them trying to find a way
To spread yo shit 'round town
I ain't really got time for you
With all that ignorant shit you do
Niggas need money and I do too
That's why I ain't fucking with you

Verse 2:
I wonder would he pass for passer
If a massive ass kick's inflicted
It can happen that quick, when spitting shit
Rapidly laying down your fag ass click
From running your lips like a bitch
All I know is something it gotta give
Niggas I gotta live, it's not a prerogative
Don't speak on the kid
Lid your speech or rid ya in the streets
It's so optional, but I will be logical
Cause when I lodge at you, it's not a hospital
Operating poppin' them hot slugs out your abdominal
Now your momma got a funeral attendin
Just for mentioning Warrior the henchmen
All I wanna do is make music and bench man
Get my weight up the same shit that Jay said
If you hate up, the AK's is sprayin
Motherfuckers ain't playin!

Chorus

Verse 3:
That's why I don't fuck with you cats
Cause this not rap with y'all
But this is not an act at all
Run ya trap, get clapped and fall
Spread rumors recieve malignant tumors
Don't confuse music with us choosin
Adhesive patches won't cover the bruise
Channel 2 anchors won't cover the news
They never give a fuck when it's beef between crews
All I know is that Z paid his dues
Made his moves and bitches really hate the truth
They rather see me laid in that body booth
Deep six, rotten so the rats can chew
That's why I don't fuck with y'all
You're runnin' ya jaw, and that really sucks for y'all
Talk behind backs but never to him dawg
Wouldn't that irritate your boss?!

Chorus-repeat 2x

Fly Like The Eagles

2008-09-05T08:59:00.000-07:00

One of the things I think I enjoy most in life is listening to music. I don't mean flipping on the radio and tuning out, I mean really listening. On that note, no pun intended, I want to take a moment to share my thoughts around a band that has been around a very very long time and yet their music is so good I think that any generation of listener could appreciate it. For me, what sets this band apart from many of the others is their signature five part harmony. Have you guessed who I am talking about yet? No? hmmm, well there are 5 of them thus the five part harmony. many of the members have had solo careers at one point or another. Do you know who I am talking about yet? Still no? well the lead singer for most of the songs is the drummer. You MUST know who I am talking about now. If you still don't know, I am talking about the Eagles.

I discovered their music on the radio. The first song I ever heard was, "I Can't Tell You Why" and I was hooked. For me, it was the combination of the use of simple instruments (keyboard, drums, and guitars) that were used sparingly so that the most important instruments of all could be used...their voices. If you have never sat down and closed your eyes and listened to the sound of all 5 voices blending perfectly in that signature 5 part harmony that the Eagles seem to do flawlessly then you are really missing out.

Once I heard that first song I had to hear more and I was stunned to see the catalogue of music they have. Some of my favourite songs include, "I Can't Tell You Why", "Love Will Keep Us Alive", "Desperado", and of course, "Hotel California". Their sound is eclectic and seems to transcend generations of listeners. My parents love the Eagles, and funny, so do I. Their brand of music is timeless in my opinion. The meanings and messages of the songs still speak volumes in todays society and the quality of their music is simply amazing. One thing is for sure, they are their own brand of music and I absolutely love it.

I am sure anyone reading this has heard them before and this will be old news to you but if you have not sat down and actually LISTENED to each of the 5 parts of the harmony then you are missing out on the true hidden gift of this bands music.

Enough for now, time to go and listen to some more Eagles. In this blog you will find some youtube vids of some of my favourites. I hope you enjoy them!

LiveSTRONG!

I Can't Tell You Why

Love Will Keep Us Alive

Desperado

Take It To The Limit

100th Anniversary Entry

2008-08-28T07:39:00.000-07:00

As I type this I can hardly believe that this entry marks one hundred entries on this blog. Although the meter on the side says this is entry 98, the site admin panel says this is #100 and so I am going to recognize this as #100. That being said I intend to use this entry to talk about fulfilling my dream to of seeing the Phantom Of The Opera in London.

I could spend time talking about the flight to London, the fun of landing at Heathrow, getting used to people driving on the wrong side of the road and of course there is the whole accent thing...whats up with that LOL. Instead, I am going to focus exclusively on the performance itself. And so, without further adieu, lets begin.

I arrived at Her Majesty's Theatre and I was awestruck. The sheer magnificence of this theatre is enough to take your breath away and leave you completely amazed at just how amazing it must be to actually stand on the stage and be a part of the performance. It was simply amazing and the location in the Haymarket was simply magic.

Making my way down front, I took my seats in the orchestra section. I was just off to the right, a few rows back from the orchestra pit and I had a simply amazing view of the entire surroundings. I was so close I really felt as though I could actually reach out and touch the performers. I look around at the balcony behind me and the sheer size of the theatre. Seating close to 1700 people, it is a full house tonight.

I sit there and wait for the curtain to climb. I know the opening act almost by heart and I wait patiently for the auction to start, in particular my rabid fascination with the monkey playing the symballs. Suddenly, as if gravity has disappeared, the curtain climbs and a foggy dusty environment awaits. The moment I have been waiting for begins and the show starts.

I am amazed at just how close I really am to the point I can see the eye colour of the performers, I can see the beads of sweat that break on their foreheads from the hot stage lights beating down on them. Indeed, I am in heaven and its only just begun.

As the auction closes the set comes to life and suddenly this massive chandelier begins to rise and I watch it coming up over my head...it feels so close and yet it is so far away!

Tonights Phantom is the regular performer, Ramin Karimloo and Christine is to be played by Robyn North. By their credits, they should be great and indeed they are as Christine appears on stage. Her performance is magnetic and her voice is simply amazing. Although I will have a hard time finding anyone better than Sarah Brightman, Robyn makes my skin crawl with her powerful voice. Ramin plays a very majestic Phantom. The brooding tortured musical genius that is the Phantom is well portrayed by the youngish Karimloo. His makeup is also well done as we see only peeks of the face we all know hides behind the mask.

The signature songs are performed magically. Christine's "Think Of Me" is well done, "Music Of The Night" is rapturing and "The Phantom Of The Opera" is sinfully well delivered. Indeed, the players are on the top of their game this evening and they seem determined to make sure everyone leaves feeling as though they got their money's worth.

Some of my favourite moments were when Karimloo delivers his tortured and menacing statement, after finding Raoul and Christine have made plans to be together, indeed he looks solemn, as though the life has been sucked from his very being, he sulks around as we watch the flame of hatred and rage begin to flicker and finally burn bright as he declares, "You will curse the day you did not do, all that the Phantom asks of you"

I would be remiss if I did not speak of the shock and horror I felt as I watched a massive Chandelier come crashing down from above me, giving me the impression it was going to graze my head as it came crashing down on the stage...gasps could be heard from the audience, including yours truly as it came flying down at a well choreographed speed that would make even the most hardened theatre goer feel shocked.

My other favourite scene is the opening of act 2. Indeed, "Masquerade" has to be one of my favourite cast moments. All the costumes, the sheer magnificence and decadence of the costumes...the chorus of voices and what a fun song to listen to. Indeed, it was simply amazing.

As the curtain starts to fall, I am feeling as though I am in a dream. I have just witnessed live, a production which has amazed me since I first saw and heard it. Karimloo comes out last and gives us a bow, just after Robyn appears to give us her bow. Karimloo extends an hand to the Orchestra pit as the conductor stands and receives his share of the applause. It is a standing ovation and there are 3 curtain calls before they finally pack it in.

As I walk out the doors of my dream, my fantasy fulfilled, I am humbled by what I have seen and heard tonight. The remainder of my stay here is a blur as I recall over and over again in my mind, the various scenes. Indeed I am the luckiest person alive and I have my parents to thank for it. Thanks Mom and Dad!

I am attaching a video from Youtube which show Karimloo and North performing "Music Of The Night", their signature song. Please take a moment to watch as they will give you a small taste of what I had a chance to enjoy fully.

Music Of The Night:

As always...Think of me, think of me fondly....

LiveSTRONG!

One Night Stand's

2008-08-26T17:17:00.000-07:00

I was going to post about my trip to London and the Phantom experience BUT this is post #99 and I can not think of a more fitting post for my 100th Blog entry, than to talk about a dream come true. That being said, you are now stuck with my blog about an experience I had with a girl. Be forewarned, this is an adult entry and contains topics of sexuality and graphic adult imagery reader discretion is advised.

Recently I was encouraged to spread my wings a little and consider having a sexual encounter with a girl. It was not that I was opposed to having sex with a girl...hell I am hardly ever opposed to having sex period. It was the whole issue of it not meaning anything and the feeling of it being a disposable encounter. I was just not sure. Also consider that I am happy with Caleb and we have a great sexual and personal relationship and the notion of messing with that bothered me. Clearly if this was something I wanted to pursue, it would have to be with his consent.

I ended up talking to Caleb about it and in the end the decision was made that he would support my curiosity around straight sex but only if he could be involved at the same time. I could not believe what I was hearing...my boyfriend wanted to participate in a threesome with a chick. Stunned, and somewhat shaken I asked him if he was sure and he said he was. He wanted to be there to not only have a new experience (he has never tried a threesome) but he also wanted to be there to help me with whatever was going to happen. Frankly, I did not care, I was going to have my drop dead hot hung boyfriend and a girl with me AT THE SAME TIME! I swore I was going to have a coronary.

At any rate, I contacted a girl who is a good friend of mine and who on several occasions has attempted to get in my pants. She has always had a little something for me though I have never really felt the same for her. Nonetheless I contacted her and we met for coffee. I told her what I wanted to do and told her what the expectations were and that there would likely never be anything serious come out of it. I wanted her to know that I was not asking her to be some cheap hooker for two horny boys. She completely understood and was actually more interested in getting the forbidden fruit (no pun intended).

After telling Caleb about all this, plans were made and we got the ball rolling.

6 PM of the day came and sure enough, Michelle arrived ready to party. It did not take long for us to get to the rec room and from there she took total control of the situation. For the next couple of hours we were a tangle of boy on boy, boy on girl, girl on two boys, and it felt as though I was caught up in some very dirty version of naked twister. We did things that I really never thought three people could do and there was nothing left to the imagination because if you could imagine it in your head, we just out and out went for it with no holds barred.

Perhaps the most shocking moment was when she told Caleb and I that she wanted us to perform for her. She said she had never seen two boys do anything in real life before and she thought we should put on a bit of a show for her. Needless to say we complied and to be honest I found the whole idea of being watched well we did various things to each other not only intriguing but rather arousing.

In the end, after everyone was spent and certain that they could simply not do anything more, it ended. Michelle was satisfied, I was satisfied and exhausted and Caleb was satisfied.

Since that night, Michelle has asked for the opportunity to do something like that again and I am just not sure I want to. Don't get me wrong, I enjoyed myself, straight sex has its advantages and its complications (The female Vagina really needs an operators manual!!!!) but there was just something about it that did not give me that feeling of completeness that I get when Caleb and I have sex. There was something missing, especially in the end...I think I felt more relieved than anything else. With Caleb, I end up in his arms or he in mine and we cuddle and just hold each other close in our complete and open nakedness, absolutely at one with each other, feeling his heart beat, his breathing slow, all that intimate stuff that matters. All of that was absent and maybe for good reason.

I know many of you will think I am now nothing more than a dollar store tramp but please don't judge me. I am young, inexperienced, and finding my place in the bigger picture. If nothing else came of this, I now know just how deeply I love Caleb and that is something that no price could ever be had.

Will we mess around with Michelle again? maybe...maybe not...I am not sure yet, but for now I can claim to have had sex both ways and for the time being, I think I prefer the beef over the chicken!

LiveSTRONG!

Thank You Cancer

2008-08-21T18:40:00.000-07:00

I never thought I would see the day come where I might actually be grateful that I got Cancer. I know that must sound ludicrous to say and it sure feels ludicrous to type and yet as the time passes and I gain a new appreciation and understanding of what I really have in front of me I begin to think that having Cancer and living to tell has actually been a positive for me.

Its funny just how much I think we all take for granted and how we step out into the world every morning with our coloured glasses on, safe in the little bubble that we all keep ourselves in. Perhaps we head to work and pass a homeless shelter for teens and we dont stop to think about how good we have it. Maybe its when your on your way to lunch and your going down the street and you pass the homless and hungry person whom you view as a vagrant on the street corner hoping for charity and mercy and you walk on, not bothering to look back and pretending he was never there. Maybe its something as simple as the ad you saw on TV for the CIBC run for the cure as you sip your beer and wait for the hockey game to come back on, maybe you mute the TV during the commercials so you dont have to listen to the pleas for support. Lastly, it could be one of those gut wrenching animal abuse infomercials run by your local SPCA/Humane Society...we all know those ones and how quickly we change the channel for fear we might feel something or see something that just might pierce that little bubble we keep ourselves in.

Dont get me wrong here, I am not trying to be all self righteous. I am certainly no martyr for the cause. As I type this I am dreaming of my flight to London and my seats in the theatre well I take in the Phantom Of The Opera in the lap of luxury well someone else somewhere else will starve and beg for food. I will wrap myself in my veil of ignorance and watch the show and attempt to not feel guilty for it. The difference is though that I no longer take the little things for granted. I talk to the homeless, I visit the shelters, I volunteer at the Slavation Army food program, I do my best to raise awareness but most importantly, I dont tune out when I see or hear something that may be hard to see or hear. Ignorance is no excuse for not taking action.

If you have never had to deal with such things than you may never understand what I am truly saying. I guess it all comes down to being self aware and thanks to Cancer, I am more self aware than I ever have been.

Just remember, looking away does not make it go away....

LiveSTRONG

Finding The Phantom...Again

2008-08-20T06:35:00.000-07:00

I know it has been a long time and I know that I should know better than to leave people wondering what has happened to me. I need to get back to this blog. It is very important to me and yet its funny how the little things that we do tend to get in the way of the things that are perhaps just as important...like this blog. I know I had said this before but I am not going to let this happen again. I am going to post at least every 3 days so DONT disappear and un-bookmark me. I am back and there is so much to share with you all that I think I have enough material to last me a while LOL.

Okay so a very big and exciting development for me. My birthday is coming and my parents have decided to do something big for me...I mean hey, you only turn 20 once in your life LOL. As you may or may not know, I am heavily addicted to the Phantom Of The Opera. I have seen all the movie versions, I have listened to the soundtrack, I have really become a cult creature to this tortured musical genius that is the Phantom. My parents, knowing how I feel about this musical, have arranged to fly me to London England on Friday to see the show at Her Majesty's Theatre!!! Can you believe it? I am going to fly almost 7 hours to see the most important musical production I have ever known. My skin is crawling just thinking about how cool it is going to be. Topping it all off, they are letting me travel alone! We have family overseas in London and I will stay with them but I cant believe they are letting me do this, I cant believe they are doing it period! I can only imagine the curtain going up, the auction starting and then suddenly the theatre comes alive to its old glory...god I can just feel the whole experience already. I can hardly wait!

The only thing that I am going to regret is that I wont have Caleb with me to share it but I understand that and so does he. It would have been nice but I am not a selfish person at all and I totally understand that this is an experience that was meant for me and I would never say anything to the contrary.

I am flying out Friday so I will be posting one more time before I leave...my next post is going to be a little more...well, obscene I guess is the best way to put it. I had an amazing experience on the weekend and somehow it would just feel wrong not to share it with those of you on here who so faithfully visit.

Again, I am sorry for the long delay between posts, I am back, ready to go and I wont let this happen to you again.

As always, thanks for reading and sharing in the trivial events that make up my life, your participation makes my world a fuller place!

LiveSTRONG!

Let Me Introduce You To My Book

2008-07-29T17:29:00.000-07:00

I was thinking, I just posted chapter one and really I should have posted the background on the novel first. I wont waste any time, below you will find the back cover of the book, the plot synopsis if you will. I hope you enjoy the ride as this whole thing unfolds...I am currently working on chapter 2 and I am very excited to be taking you on this trip with me.

Away we go......

Embedded deeply in the dark and mysterious underworld of Socio-political activity beats the black heart of the government that most citizens will never know. For Austin McNichol the world was about who got the better of whom, who could outwit the other the fastest and in his opinion there was no one better at the grand game of misdirection then him. Working for an organization that thrived on the deepest secrets of government and political circles, Austin worked the system better than anyone, at least until the day the email came. Following the directions of the email, Austin meets a man whom he has only ever known as “The Phoenix”. “The Phoenix”” hands him a CD and tells him that the contents would either change the world for the better or end the world as we know it now. He is told that he must protect it at all costs. From that moment on, everything Austin had known, the currency of deceit he dealt in, and the tools he routinely executed against others, were now being turned against him. One chance meeting would lead him down a road that would see him fight for his very life. Running would get him nowhere, he had to stand and fight. He had to protect this precious CD from those who ran in the dark shadows.

LiveSTRONG!

Dark Shadows Of The Heart -- Chapter 1

2008-07-27T08:31:00.000-07:00

Half asleep and still reeling from the nights dreams, the soothing crooning of Frank Sinatra wafted through the morning haze, gently awakening Austin from his nights slumber. With bleary eyes, Austin turns over, staring at the flashing illuminated 7:30 on the bedside clock. It was time to get out of bed and get the day started.

Reaching across, he concluded Sintara's rendition of "My Way" prematurely. Silence filled the room as he stared at the ceiling imagining the expressions of various peoples faces in the Italian plaster. Smiling, laughing, crying, screaming. It was a game he would play, testing his own imaginative powers like a child laying down in an open field staring up at the passing clouds, imagining images in the white fluffy configurations.

With a slight grunt he rolled out of bed and got to his feet. Making his way to the bathroom, the velvety feel of the carpet soothed his weariness. The ultimate wake up call was only steps away.

Making his way into the bathroom, Austin switched on the light and took a quick glance in the mirror. He was in good shape, and worked very hard to keep himself looking as good as he did. Dark wavy brown hair, chiseled cheek bones, two days of growth stippled his face. His shoulders were powerful, broad, and seemed to be capable of carrying the worries of the world. His chest was defined and broad which made his abs look more imposing still. Indeed, Austin was a picture of good diet and exercise, a specimen worthy of an appearance in any men’s magazine.

Reaching into the shower, he turned on the cold tap and moderated it slightly with hot water. He was a firm believer in taking cool showers. It invigorated him, made him feel alive and ready to face the day. Stepping in, he closed the glass door and let the cool rush of water roll off his neck and down his powerful back.

The coolness of the shower had an almost aphrodisiac effect sending him plummeting into the deep crevices and corners of his innermost mind. Images rolled through his minds eye like a cracked and tattered old black and white film.

He quickly snapped out of it and reached for his favourite soap. The shower and bathroom were quickly filled with the warm and woody scent of musk and cedar. The aroma filled his nostrils sending him spiraling deeper still into memories that gripped him tight enough he swore they would leave marks on his skin. It was the smell of home, the feel of being in his fathers arms, the scent of his dads cologne, and the soft and subtle aroma of a good scotch. He longed to live these memories beyond the theatre of his mind.

Rinsing off, Austin quickly stepped out of the shower and wrapped himself in a plump bath sheet and headed back to his room to prepare for his day.

Walking over to his full length mirror, he let the towel unwrap itself and fall to the floor in a wet pile on the carpet. He was not a narcissist but he could not help but admire his form, the tightness of his arms and legs, the smooth almost silky appearance of his chest and abs. Flexing his muscular frame to its full potential, he was a vision of strength and power. Hardened muscles bulged as he flexed each arm. Satisfied, he made his way to his oversized walk in closet.

Austin was not obsessive compulsive, though you could certainly make a good argument that he was based on the almost military order in which his shirts and pants were sorted. First by colour and then by function. He had pants for all occasions ranging from formal to lounging around the house. His shirts were just as well organized.

Taking a quick stock of his attire, Austin chose a tan pair of chinos and a short-sleeve button down shirt in a soft almost pastel blue. He had work to do and it was imperative in his mind, that he dress for the occasion.

Walking out of the massive closet that housed his entire wardrobe, Austin made his way into the main part of his room and headed for the hallway. As he strode down the hall he paused only long enough to admire some of the prints that hung on his wall. A lover of nature and all it had to offer, Austin adorned his walls with prints from his two favourite nature artists, Carl Brenders and Robert Bateman. The prints he had chosen were focused on the pure and singular beauty of each subject. His most prized possession being a limited edition signed print by Brenders called, “Spellbound”. The print was a picture of a Lynx showing only its face. For Austin, it was the solemn and powerful imagery of its eyes that had attracted him. This hunting animal up close and personal with a clear and untainted view into the soul of this powerful creature. It was indeed love at first sight and it quicky became his favourite. Continuing down the hall, Austin reached his office.

His office was well appointed. A large mahogany desk sat central to the room well soft wall sconces provided an atmosphere of calm. The walls were painted mossy oak adding an element of earthiness to the room. Austin had selected a high quality Berber carpet for his floor. He liked the smooth and sensuous feel of it under his feet. Making his way to his desk, he tapped the light sensor for the interior lighting and took a seat in his black leather high back executive chair. The chair was custom made for his back and frame alone, and it hugged him perfectly. Reaching across the desk he turned on the computer and plasma monitor. As the system emitted the whirr and hum of life Austin turned on the radio and let the subtle sounds of Bach’s “Air” in C minor fill the room. Austin had taken the gentle sounds of the ocean tide breaking against the rocks and woven it into the musical genius of Bach creating a musical serenade that teased both the auditory and olfactory senses. At once, as if by magic, Austin could smell the briny scent of the ocean and the earthy smell of wet sand. It was sinfully delicious to indulge in such fantasies

“Identify Yourself” chimed the computer

Austin snapped out of his haze and looked at the computer. He had built in a voice recognition system to ward off would be hackers and computer thieves. So smart was the computer that anything other than the mellow tones of Austin’s voice would cause the system to immediately begin an irreversible process of burning the heads of the hard drive, rendering the entire contents useless.

“Austin McNichol” he said
“Standby” prompted the computer as it processed the voice against the pre-recorded version Austin had embedded
“Good Morning Mr. McNichol” said the computer as it completed its boot process

Tapping a button just under the desk, Austin launched the in house security system. A small screen rose slowly from the top of the desk well a small keypad unfolded from the screen. The keypad was of the touch screen variety and required validation before it could be used. Placing his thumb on the keypad reader, the screen blinked and the main menu appeared. From this little console, Austin could control almost every facet of the house, from security, to phones, to lights, to the intercom, anything he wanted. It was all at the press of a button.

As the computer finished booting, Austin accessed the perimeter cameras for the house and watched as he jumped from camera to camera. Each one was located in a strategically selected location to provide maximum security and viewing. No one could move in the house without being spotted and recorded.

All was well with the perimeter and Austin reclined into his chair. Looking up at the computer screen, he said “Computer, access email”
Without missing a beat, the computer accessed the required program and began the process of downloading whatever messages awaited his attention.

Austin preferred voice recognition over manual access because it allowed him to access whatever he needed from most places in the house, or at least wherever there was an access screen from which he could gain control of the computer.

It took only a matter of seconds for the email to arrive but the impact was far quicker, leaning forward in his chair, one piece of mail in particular had caught his attention. Yes, today was going to be unlike any other and the day had only begun.

Where's Derry?

2008-07-26T18:25:00.001-07:00

Okay so I have been REALLY REALLY bad lately. I have not been on here nearly enough to share with you the comings and goings of my day to day life. That is going to change...right now. I am going back to the daily entry format because this IS important to me and I want to keep this blog alive. Please dont give up on me!

So what has been new? Well, the nice thing is that not a lot has been new. Its actually nice to report that I am living the normal life...well, as normal as you can expect when your dating a guy and living the bi-life. I spend more and more of my weekends in Toronto doing the club scene with Caleb. I am actually becoming quite the club kid and its kind of funny, the transformation I seem to be going through. I feel like a caterpillar that has entered a cocoon and soon I will emerge some new and beautiful butterfly...hmmm, a butterfly, did you know they taste with their feet? Maybe I dont want to be a butterfly after all....let me think on that.

As for Caleb, he is doing well, he is still working, still giving money to my rents to have them hold on to it for him and I think he is honestly looking at maybe going to school and getting himself sorted out. Its funny, in the beginning everyone seemed to think that this guy was going to hurt me, break my heart or make me miserable and yet in him I have found who I really am. I am completely in touch with my inner self and feel more open and outgoing then I have at any other point in my life. I walk with him hand in hand, I kiss him in public and when we hit the gay community in Toronto I get to be more of who I am and I love it. Viva La Vida baby!!

So what else is new in Derry's life? Well, I have finally started to write a book and YES fellow readers, I will post each chapter on the blog for your reading pleasure/displeasure. I have always felt that I had a knack, a talent if you will with the written word and I have finally put finger to keyboard and have started to write my first novel. Chapter 1 is just being proofed and polished as we speak and should be up and online in a few days. What is the title of this page turner you ask? GREAT QUESTION, I have tentatively titled it, Dark Shadows Of The Heart

There is tons I am going to share over the next few entries including some of the more naughty posts I always thought I would avoid but frankly I just dont care anymore. I am who I am, I am what I am, and there is no reason for me not to be who I am and say it out loud. Does that mean I am no longer doing my charity/community work? Um, Hello? its me remember? I am still actively doing things in my community and there is so much to share about that too.

Sooooooo, I have been gone yes, but I am back now and better than ever. The best is yet to come so buckle up because this blog is about to get interesting!

LiveSTRONG!

No Air...No Air!

2008-07-08T08:04:00.000-07:00

To be so close to someone that you swear that they are the air you breathe is an experience I never thought I would truly come to know or understand and yet as my relationship with Caleb deepens and grows I have come to know that feeling.

Don't get me wrong, I do have a life outside of him and we have our own separate interests and things that we like to do but when I am with him I just feel as though something in me is completed. I have talked to him about how he makes me feel and he feels the exact same way. Its something that just cant be described and yet I continue to try and find words that put it all in perspective.

One of the things that Caleb has done for me is open my eyes to the whole other world that exists in the gay community. On any given weekend you will now find us in downtown Toronto, at one club or another dancing and partying the night away with perfect strangers who strangely dont feel like strangers at all. It takes adjusting for sure, especially when some guy you dont even know puts his arms around you and runs his hands up and down your chest and such but yet remains completely respectful. Its not all that uncommon for the club to get so hot that you end up taking off a shirt or something and that just adds to the whole environment. I guess you could argue that I have become intoxicated by the lifestyle but I dont care...I love it plain and simple and I love it even more when Caleb is right there with me, moving himself to the rhythm of the sounds coming from the dance floor, beads of sweat sliding down his chest as he puts his arms up to me and pulls me in a little closer well some of the other people on the floor watch us. Its like another world, as if time and space have divided to allow the few hours we spend in this state of total and complete release to occur. Its in these moments that I wonder how I ever lived without him. He has opened me up to all of these new and exciting things and I just cant get enough of it.

When the night ends we end up walking out into the night air and even though its hot outside it feels cool in comparison to the heat of the club. The cool air rushes over me and its like a euphoria. I feel as though I am a totally different person from the one who drive down just hours earlier. In some respects I think I like the person I am coming out of the club more than the one who sits at home during the week, making out with his boyfriend, having wicked sex, and living for the next weekend adventure.

Caleb is the air that I breathe and I dont know how I would breathe without him...I use to think this was a problem but he feels the same way and that just makes me feel so much better.

Amazing how the deaf cancer riddled kid goes to being the hearing abled cancer free party monster in Toronto. I think I am finally living!

I chose the song "No Air" by Jordin Sparks for this entry because it just fits...

LiveSTRONG

Toronto Pride 2008

2008-06-30T11:49:00.000-07:00

I took a big step on the weekend and spent my entire weekend with Calen in Toronto for the love in that is Pride Weekend in Toronto.

My eyes were really opened wide to the colourful and exotic life that is the gay, bi, trans, lesbian community. So many costumes, floats, and people in one place. During the two days I was there I saw people in tight leather outfits, buttless chaps, collars and leashes and a hole boat load of just everyday people as well. It was truly amazing.

I count myself among the bisexual community though I have recently come under fire over that and have been told that there is no such thing as a bisexual. One apparently either likes taking it up the ass and is therefore gay or does not like it and is therefore straight. I happen to like being with Caleb but given that my experience with girls is limited and given that I have at times felt attracted to women, I have a hard time accepting that someone like me does not exist.

Anyway....during the two days we were there, we walked hand in hand, we stood in the middle of the street and exchanged slobber knocker kisses and for the first time in my short life, I felt totally free and accepted. There was no judgement to be found and I was loving it.

The evenings turned into two nights of the club scene. It was my first experience so this was all very new and exciting to me. We had little trouble getting in and once we were in, we were ALL IN!. It was late too mind you, probably closer to 10 before we walked in but the party was just jumping. I ended up in various portions of the dance floor with guys I had never met, some of whom were grinding with me well others simply reached down and put their hands on my package. It was scary at first but I soon realized it was just all part of the environment and the scene in general. For the most part, I stayed close to Caleb and we ended up doing things that I did not think one could do on a dance floor...NOT THAT you dirty minded people, I mean we got real close, took our shirts off, and just let loose.

The music was loud and hypnotic, the drinks were flowing freely from men we did not even know as they passed us bottles of beer and other drinks in an effort to keep the two of us dancing. At one point Caleb was on top of a speaker dancing away, his own hands groping parts of his body in an effort to excite the masses.

We did not end up leaving on either night until somewhere around 2 in the morning and in both cases we each had multiple offers for things ranging from various drugs, to sex parties. We just declined and made our way home.

So, Pride 2008 was an experience for me and one I am not soon going to forget I am sure. It was sexual awakening in some ways as well as a reminder that I am who I am and the more I experience it, the more I am sure that Caleb is the one. People talk about chemistry in a relationship and unless I was too drunk to know the difference, I would say that the chemistry those two nights between Caleb and I was bordering on nuclear.

For those who did not take in the parade, the culture, the atmosphere, and the fun, you really did miss out. It was not all about being an alternative lifestyle. It was about being who you are, being accepted and most importantly, it was about love!

LiveSTRONG

Who Am I?

2008-06-22T15:36:00.000-07:00

When you have a disability like hearing loss or when your sick in a bad way like when your diagnosed with Cancer, suddenly you find that you define your life by your illness or your disability. It becomes a part of your personality, a part of who you are on a deeper level. The challenge really comes when you find yourself either cured of the disease or no longer disabled. Suddenly, all the things you thought you were are no longer relevant and you need to reinvent yourself.

This is the challenge I have been working through as of late and my reading from the LAF support materials tells me that this depression I seem to have hit is both normal and expected. You see, when you think you know your life and your situation and you spend a lot of time mentally accepting and preparing yourself for what you think is going to happen, you almost reach a sense of peace with where you are. Then suddenly someone picks up the snow globe that is your life and gives it a good shake and suddenly all the little flakes are no longer settled.

I once defined my life by my deafness. I became fully embedded in the deaf community and almost all my friends were deaf. I accepted that I was deaf and built my life around being a deaf male. Then I was told that I was a CI candidate and that changed everything. My life as I knew it was about to change in a HUGE way. We have already looked at that a while ago and so there is no need to rehash all that. Fact is, I had to change and the way I lived my life and the person I was had to change with it. I could deal with that and although I did have challenges both socially and personally with it, I managed.

The next thing I know I am being told I have Cancer of the brain stem and that I am not likely going to live beyond two years unless medical treatment is successful. We have all traveled through that part of my life and needless to say I prepared myself for what I thought was an unavoidable early exit from life. Fate once again intervened and things were once again turned on their ear. I had accepted what I thought was my fate and was fully prepared and at peace with death only to find out that things were going a very different direction.

So here I am. I have twice tried to build a life, a personality, a sense of self being only to have the proverbial carpet pulled out from underneath me. Now I find that I spend most of my days suffering from a sense of anxiety and panic, depression, and fear of what could happen next. Its weird, I am a very easy going and relaxed kind of person and lately a lot of little things have been setting me off, making me very angry in ways I never thought possible and I find it harder and harder to control that anger. I dont want to be angry, depressed, anxious, or paniced and yet I cant seem to stop it. Thank god for Caleb who seems to be my raft in this sea of madness but for how long can I expect him to be able to handle this? The only thing I know for sure is that I love him but the rest of my life is in total flux and in a sick and twisted way, I almost mourn the loss of being sick with Cancer because at least then I knew what to expect...I knew who I was.

I guess in some respects I just want to finally have peace in terms of defining who I am and where I fit into this world. Until I reach that point I think I am going to ask myself over and over again...Who Am I?

LiveSTRONG!

The Rules As I Know Them

2008-06-15T15:15:00.000-07:00

I really must appologize for taking so long to make a new entry. The recovery process takes time and sometimes I find I dont have the energy to do everything I would like. Its getting much better however and I am happy to say I should be ready and able to make regular contributions again YAY!

So what to talk about today. Well, I think I am going to focus on the biggest thing I have learned in life thus far. I call them the 3 L's of my life. Let me explain...

I have learned that in order to make a life, one has to Live. Thats the first L. Live! I dont mean going about your day to day doing the same old thing. I mean really live. Splash in a puddle, skydive, pick up a bottle of wine at the LCBO that you have never tried before or do what I did on Saturday and go to a club with someone you love and play Lotto 649...which is what you do when you walk up to the bar and ask the bartender to pour you a drink using the 6th, 4th, and 9th bottle on the shelf. If you think you have done it all, you need to do that. I guess the point is, break out of your routine and stretch your legs, live a little and do something out of the ordinary. If you do this just once a week, you can have 52 days in the year in which you have really lived. I learned this lesson when someone told me, "Derry, its not that life is too short....its just that your dead for so long!". How true is that, life is not short folks, death is just very long. Now go LIVE!

The second thing I have learned is that one must Love! Thats right, Love someone or something so deeply, so passionately, that it becomes a part of your life. To go through life not having loved would be like going through a chocolate factory and never taking a bite. The danger in loving is that sometimes we lose what we love, but if you live in fear of losing what you love, then you never really live and we all know what happens when you dont live...simply see my note above! It has been said that "It is better to have loved and lost, then never to have loved at all". I agree and I think if you dont love someone or something deeply, you are letting a key component of life pass you by. Now, hopefully it is a someone that you love but if not, if thats just not in the cards for you, then find SOMETHING to love. Most importantly, never close the door on your options. Love happens when you least expect it. I never would have dreamed I would walk into a shelter, meet a GUY!!! and end up falling in love.

Lastly, I have learned that when everything looks like its at its darkest, that is when you need to Laugh! Its true...the worst thing to do when everything is going wrong is to dwell on it. Laugh instead...it takes more muscles to smile than it does to frown so why frown? I have learned through my own dark hours that sometimes the best thing to do is simply laugh. When you look up and see rock bottom, you know its time to laugh. The other option is to cry and one can only do that for so long, take my word on that. After the tears have been shed, after the anger over "why me" gives way, sometimes all you can do is laugh. How many times has something happened and we say to the person beside us, "One day, down the road, we are going to laugh about this". I say, WHY WAIT???? Laugh now, and laugh till you cry. Why dwell on the negative and wait to laugh later. Laugh right here right now. Heck, stop reading this and let out a deep belly shaking laugh and tell me you dont feel 100 times better, maybe a zillion times better.

As you can see, I have learned that the three keys to happyness are to Live, Love, and Laugh. When you can do all three, and do them well, your quality of life improves dramatically. My challenge to you today is to practice the three L's and then go out and teach just one person the same rules. If we all do this, what a wonderful world it could be!

LiveSTRONG!

The Courage Of My Convictions

2008-06-07T18:41:00.001-07:00

I have had a lot of time now to think and reflect on my situation and what I want to do going forward. I think the time is now to really step up and put some serious thought into what I want to do with the rest of my life.

Over the last few days I have given a lot of thought about applying to University to continue my education. I have decided that the best thing to do with my life now is to help people. I think the best way to do that is to go back to school and finish my education and then apply to Medical School. I have decided I want to be a pediatrician. I know that must seem like a really big stretch for the once deaf kid with brain cancer but the fact is I want to help the youngest members of our community and I want to specialize in children's cancer and be a pediatrician that serves as a cancer specialist.

I know first hand how scary it is to stare death right in the face, try not to blink, and then give him the finger as you fight for your life. I can think of no better service then to help those kids who are living what I lived first hand.

The more and more I think about it I realize that God gave me a second chance to live in grace and my motivation will be the gift that I have been given and the far too many children who suffer with this incredibly ruthless illness.

People have said that its a lot of studying, its a lot of financial burden, and its a lot of school but to that I say, I DONT CARE!!! This is what I need to do and what I want to do and when the workload seems too heavy, when the costs seem to high, when the stress is unbearable I will be able to reflect back on just how insignificant all of it is in the light of what I have already been through. Truth is, nothing is more stressful, more work, or more of a burden than the fight to beat Cancer. As far as I can see, University and Medical school should be a cakewalk in comparison.

Failure? Not an option...simply put. I WILL accomplish this goal and my motivation will be everything I have been through and the images of all those children who were in the ward with me, who I saw in the halls, who were hooked up to Chemo...those images, the suffering in their eyes, the look of courage and their desire to fight will be all the motivation I will need when it all seems to much to shoulder.

In their name, in their memory, and for myself, I will see this through so for all you people out there who think I am crazy for taking this on...I took on Cancer and I won...I LiveSTRONG and I WILL see this through...mark my words!

LiveSTRONG

The First Fight

2008-06-03T16:47:00.001-07:00

They say that you will have many firsts in your life. A first love, a first kiss, a first sexual relationship, and a first broken heart, but they never said anything about a first fight.

Needless to say, and I am sure that it was bound to happen sooner or later, Caleb and I had our first official fight. It was stupid really. I got up this morning and got breakfast for both of us well he was in the shower. I made coffee and cooked up some eggs and toast. He comes into the dining room, sits down to eat with me and we get talking about his addiction program. Dont get me wrong, he goes and he goes religiously but I noticed that he has not seemed himself lately and I was a little worried. I tried to find out what was wrong and he kept saying nothing but my gut said there was something. I guessed I pushed too much because he eventually got angry and said that he was having trouble adjusting and that was what was bothering him. I got a little angry and worried and snapped back that I was doing my best to make him comfortable and from there it just escalated.

Eventually I decided enough was enough and I took off out of the house to get some air. I did not say anything I would regret later and neither did he thankfully. When I got home he was already gone for work and so I wont be able to talk to him until he gets off work tonight around 11 PM. Normally I visit him on his break but I wont do that tonight. I think its best that we let it ride until he gets home.

I have to say, I have fought with my family, I have fought with my parents and I have even fought with people who were nothing to me but I never felt this bad about it before. I really feel upset and it hurts to think that we fought over something. I guess it is to be expected that any relationship is going to have something like this happen sooner or later. I guess you just never really think about it until it happens.

Anyway, I thought I would blog about yet another one of my firsts and get the feedback of the masses on what I should or should not do going forward. I dont like to fight, I hate conflict and it really bothers me to know I may have hurt someone I love very much. Its tough being in love, especially when you only want to make the one you love happy.

I will let you know how it goes...as always, looking forward to your thoughts.

LiveSTRONG

The Return To Innocence

2008-05-31T07:34:00.000-07:00

When your hearing music for the very first time it is really unavoidable that you are going to trip across a song that has been out in general circulation forever but is really something very new and special just for you. This happens to me a lot as I find my understanding and breadth of musical catalogue expanding. A classic example of this very situation happened to me last night.

I was sitting at the computer watching some stuff on Youtube and this song came on the radio. It started with some of the most beautiful, what I think was native Indian, chanting that I have ever heard. I had to listen to the whole thing. The song then changed and broke into a more modern sound and the singer began to sing the lyrics. I took a stab at the title by listening to the song and found it was called, “Return To Innocence” by a group called Enigma. I googled the lyrics and found the video on Youtube.

After watching it three or four times I decided it was going to be one of my favourite songs. The lyrics are simple, the sound is deliciously complex weaving chanting with more modern sound. A few of the lyrics in the song really struck me as powerful, they conveyed a message to me that really felt universal. Here is one of them:

Dont be afraid to be weak
Dont be too proud to be strong
Just look into your heart my friend
That will be the return to yourself
The return to innocence

To me, this is a very poweful message. Don’t be afraid to be weak, don’t be proud to be strong. How badly do we all long to return to a state of total innocence in this world. We now live in a world where war, killing, and death are the stories that grab the headlines and our interest. If only we could return to a state of innocence.

The song continued and another set of lyrics struck me, and I showed them to Caleb because to me, they spoke directly to what it is he is going through with his recovery from addiction. They were:

If you want, then start to laugh
If you must, then start to cry
Be yourself dont hide
Just believe in destiny

Dont care what people say
Just follow your own way
Dont give up and use the chance
To return to innocence

Again, how powerful these words are and when you hear them sung with the emotion that I can not convey in this blog, you really do begin to understand just how very moving this song really is.

I have been accused of being oversensitive to these things and perhaps relying far to much on music to tell the story. I disagree. Music is just another form of art and art imitates life. I am not sure what year this song was produced but I do know that its meaning still holds water today. When I was given the chance to survive Cancer and live to tell, I was essentially given the chance to return to a heightened state of grace…I was given the chance to return to innocence. Can you do the same?

LiveSTRONG!

In This Moment

2008-05-28T14:43:00.000-07:00

A while ago I posted a blog called Praying For Time. I was at a point where I was just hoping and praying that I would get more time out of this life. I was sure that I was going to be moving on without ceremony. Then things changed for the better and I was given a second chance to be here.

I keep thinking about that fact and how things change. Much like the seasons, one thing often leads to another. It was not until I watched back the taped American Idol Finale that I heard a song that made me feel the way "Praying For Time" did. There I was watching the show, hoping against all odds that David A was going to take the whole ball of wax. As I sat there, it happened. Out came David A and he began to sing an original song. Apparently one of the three songs the contestants had to sing was an original song written through the song writing competition. David A chose a beautiful reflective ballad called, "In This Moment" and I was hooked. The song is the perfect polar opposite to what I was feeling when I heard, "Praying For Time". There is this one portion of the song in which David sings, "Now that I know what it's like to be living in this beautiful world and never stop giving, I can't return to a life with no vision, born into eyes not by my own decision"

That when it hit me that things are now very different for me. I cant go back to the way things were because I need to keep moving forward. I now know what it is like to be living in this world and I can see just how beautiful a gift it is to have life.

For all the things that made me sad and reflective in "Praying For Time", "In This Moment" gives me all kinds of reasons to be happy and forward thinking.

I have been given the gift of life and as I heal and get stronger and learn to be part of the Yellow Army that fights for the cure and helps those who are still stricken with this awful disease, I feel for the first time that I am truly living and the future finally looks bright.

For those of you who have never seen this song or missed David A performing it, please watch this Youtube video of it. If "Praying For Time" moved you, "In This Moment" will give you a sense of direction and stability. It really is exactly what I am feeling at this moment!

LiveSTRONG

Getting My Bearings

2008-05-26T12:55:00.001-07:00

I have been sitting at home for the last little while, trying to get myself back to normal and I was thinking the other day about how much things have changed in the last little while. In the last few months I have watched my Bisexual boyfriend move in with us, I have gone from being cancer riddled to cancer free, Caleb is now working part time and agreeing to hand over half his cheque to my rents for them to put in a savings account to help him get organized and save some money, I have lost my virginity, and my family seems to be tighter than ever.

I am not an overly religious person and I dont preach religion to anyone and I certainly dont push my beliefs on anyone at any time however, I do feel blessed. I could not have imagined all this good coming about in such a short time. How lucky I am to have so very much going right for me. I almost worry that its a dream and I am going to wake up to find that none of it is real and yet that moment has not come yet.

On the recovery front, I am still tired a lot, but I go out more now and walking is really helping me to get my head clear and balanced. I still cant stay on the computer for long periods of time because I get headaches and all kinds of other problems right along with it but that is supposed to get better in time.

I guess for now I dont have a lot to report. In due time I will talk more about the procedure, the recovery process and all that good stuff but for now, I think I am just going to lay and lazily enjoy the dream like feeling I now enjoy.

Till later,

LiveSTRONG

Learning To Live Again

2008-05-23T18:48:00.000-07:00

Its a funny thing when you go from expecting the worst in life to suddenly finding yourself able to expect so very much more. A few months ago I was not sure I was going to make it two more years and now I find myself wondering what to do with the rest of what looks like a long and very normal life. Its weird how you almost end up lost. I sit here not sure of what I want to do. All of a sudden I have choices I can and need to make and I am not sure what to do. Lets explore that.

I have always wanted to be a pediatrician. I want to be a kids doctor. Its not that I dont think I have the talent or the brains to do it because I think that I do. Now it is just a question of what I think I am meant to do. That is the real issue here. A while ago I never thought I had a chance. I thought everything was done for me, plotted out and set in stone. Now all of a sudden I find myself unsure of what I am meant to do on this earth. Why was I spared when so many others are not given that chance. That is the burden I carry now. I need to figure out why I was chosen to have a second chance at life and what am I supposed to do with that second chance?

We all go about our daily lives doing what we think is best. We dont ever stop and think to ourselves, what if this was the last day I had on earth. What impact could I make? what would my legacy be? what would people say about me if I was suddenly gone.

Today, Now, as I lay at home and recover, as my brain heals, as the scars cover up the incisions, as I take a fearless inventory of who I am, I ask myself, what am I meant to do now? What is the role I am meant to play in the bigger scheme of things? Was I spared because I am meant to do something more than I have done already? So may questions and it makes my head hurt. I know I have been given a second chance at life and I have no idea why. What I do know is that I am one of the few people who gets the chance to do it all over again. If you were given such a chance what would you do?

Time to take that inventory and do some soul searching...time to find my place in this world, whatever it is.

LiveSTRONG!

Homecoming

2008-05-21T14:58:00.000-07:00

I don't know where to start with this entry. I am home again after two long weeks in hospital and after living through the most intense surgical procedure I have ever had. There is a lot I want to talk about but I need time. I am tired most of the time and I have some pretty wicked headaches at times so its tough to sit here and type and share all kinds of stuff.

I think what I will do is thank everyone who comes here, reads this blog, and shows their support for me in one way or another. I may never get to know any of you but I feel as though you are a deep and integral part of my life. Your support and prayers have been the raft in which I navigated the sea of madness that was/is my life.

First off to Caleb who has been my rock through all this. Who would ever have thought that you could handle all this madness with the grace and calm of a champion. I had no idea you had such internal strength. Many would have up and abandoned me knowing that there were much easier relationships out there and yet you stayed and held my hand through it all. Your my champion.

Zach. I can honestly say without a doubt that had you not kept pushing back about going to chemo I may have never gone back and therefore I may not have been here now or later for that matter. I wanted to stop the chemo and just let it all go and you would have no part of it. In your own special way you pushed me hard to go back and in turn you saved my life. I cant and wont ever forget that. Your a special person and your influence on this world will be tremendous if you believe in yourself.

To my family. Family is the heart of the house. You are my heart and soul, and your support and prayers during this whole experience has been more than anyone could ever ask for. A man is a rich man when he has family like you.

To the people who write in and spend their time reading the ramblings of this kid from Kitchener and then take time to post your thoughts. THANK YOU. You keep me motivated and you are the reason I keep this thing going. It would be so easy to just stop and not bother but knowing that you all come here and read and share in my experiences moves me in a way I simply can not put into words other than to say THANK YOU!

Over the next bit I will talk about my hospital experience and the emotion of going from being slated to die to being cancer free. Cancer free...never thought I would type that and here I am.

Thank you everyone!

LiveSTRONG!

Welcome Home Derry!

2008-05-19T15:25:00.000-07:00

Hey Babe

I am not so good at this kinda thing so I thought I would post a welcome home note for you.

I knew when I met you that you were somethin special. When you walked into the shelter and I just knew there was somethin special bout you. Then I got to know you. Started over hugs and conversation until I finally kissed ya and you know you totally kissed me back but however you wanna make it out is cool. Then I got to know you more and I started to fall in love with ya. Yer rents opened their home to me and my life changed in a big way. No one has ever been as cool to me as you and yer family. You looked past my broken past and my stupid drug addiction shit and hung with me. I looked past yer Cancer and yer hearing issues and hung with you. You gave me the super honour of bein the one to make you shine and with that one big day I got to feel a kinda love that I never felt before and I am so wound that I got to have that with you. Then came the surgery and the thing was we knew you were gonna make it cuz like you said, we dont say goodbye. I never felt so close to someone like I do with you and yer like the biggest thing in my life. I dunno how I ever got by before you found me and I found you.

Aight gettin way too emotional but yeah you know its true and you know that now yer comin home to stay I am gonna be yer great protector and keep all the bad things away.

I got one word for ya and you had to know its comin...time for a...yup....SLOBBERKNOCKER!

Aight so yeah, I heard this song on the radio and I wanna make it for you Derry cuz its just like everything I wanna say but am just too dumb to be able to. Its called, "If I Didn't Have You"

I don't know what I was thinking
'Til I was thinking of you
I don't remember a thing before I opened my eyes
And you came into view
I don't know what I was doing
When there was nothing to do
Must've been waiting for someone, baby
Now I can see - I was waiting for you

I'd give up my sight just to see you
I'd beg, I would borrow and steal
I'd cut off my hands just to touch you
And tear out my heart so you'd know how I feel
There's nowhere that I wouldn't follow
There's nothing that I wouldn't do
'Cause I wouldn't wanna be me
If I didn't have you

Driving myself to distraction
Until you got in my way
I was just whistling Dixie 'til
you struck up the band
And they started to play
I don't know how I was living
Until you came in my life
I always knew there was something wrong
Then you came along
Baby, you made it right

I was alone in the silence
'Til I was hearing your voice
I couldn't see my way clear until
you parted the clouds
And you gave me a choice
I couldn't pick up the pieces
'Til I was falling apart
I didn't know I was bleeding
'Til your love fixed this hole,
baby, here in my heart

I'd give up my sight just to see you
I'd beg, I would borrow and steal
I'd cut off my hands just to touch you
And tear out my heart so you'd know how I feel
There's nowhere that I wouldn't follow
There's no place that I'd rather be
This life without you would be hollow
This love is a gift, and you gave it to me
All that I am, you have made me
And baby, I know that it's true
I'd give it all up in a heartbeat
Just to spend every moment with you
There's no place that I wouldn't follow
There's nothing that I wouldn't do
'Cause I wouldn't wanna be me
If I didn't have you

Love you Derry!

Derry Recovery Update 5

2008-05-18T18:49:00.000-07:00

Aight everyone, this is gonna be the last post from me till the big guy gets back home. I know I have been kinda shitty at postin as well as he does so yeah its prolly best that he is takin over again. I just dont really know what to say half the time so yeah I just try to save some stuff up and post it.

Okay so the last few days were kinda eventful. The docs gave Derry some kinda medication that he needed to have and he had a wicked reaction to it and started havin severe seizures, he was foamin at the mouth, eyes rolled back, all seizing up and shit and twice his heart stopped and they had to put those shocking things on em. They got him back and started dosin him up with some kinda anti-seizure shit and he settled down. They said it was a serious reaction to one of the meds in his IV bag but they knew what it was and were changing the meds. Today he was fine and I asked him if he remembered any of it and he said he didn't really remember anything. I told him he was like dead twice cuz his heart had stopped and he just kept sayin he had no clue so yeah I dunno, it freaked the shit outta me cuz I thought we were gonna lose him and to have it happen twice I was like, HOLY SHIT do something and I was practically yelling at them to do shit.

Anyway, talkin to him today he is good. We are bringin him some clothes tomorrow for his big day on Tuesday when he gets to come home again. He is really excited but nervous too cuz he has been away and he kinda worries that he is still a little unsure about himself getting around but I am gonna be home with him to keep an eye on him and stuff.

So yeah, he is doin amazing, scans are lookin good, I wont talk much bout that cuz I know he wants to talk about it and stuff but just a hint, they look good so you do the math LOL.

Aight so he will be back and postin on Tuesday and he says hello to everyone and wants me to tell you that he misses bein on here and postin and stuff.

Okay so thats it for me. I hope everyone is not bored with my posting and stuff and thanks for readin what I had to say and stuff.

I am gonna post one more time tomorrow but its gonna be a special one just for my boy Derry!

Peace out everyone!

Derry Recovery Update 4

2008-05-14T17:22:00.000-07:00

Aight so yeah time to get another update up.

Um so yesterday was LiveSTRONG day and I hope everyone put on their yellow and showed support. It was an important day for Derry and he had his yellow LiveSTRONG band on and I was wearing my yellow shirt, yellow shorts, wristband, and I even had a yellow hat so yeah, I looked like freakin Big Bird but it was cool.

Okay so Derry has been moved from the ICU and is now on a regular floor. He may only be there another 5 days cuz they say he is doing amazing and they think he could be home just after the weekend, like maybe Tuesday or something. I am really excited for him.

They have removed most of the tubes and stuff and now he has just the heart monitor thingy and the IV which I think does the pain meds and the antibiotics and all that stuff.

Derry hates the hospital and wants to come home, he misses everyone and is sick of the food which I cant blame him cuz it sucks ass. He has been up and walkin round too but he cant go all that far yet but he is up anyway and they took out some tube from his pee pee so he can go on his own now. no idea what the hell it was but it was supposed to make it so he did not have to get up. That thing had to be out and the breathing tube and other things before they would let him go to the regular floor.

Aight so yeah, he is doin amazing and they say he is lookin good on paper so yeah like I said, could be home Tuesday afternoon or somethin.

Aight so for the person who posted all that stuff, I am not an addict anymore. I am recovering and I dont use drugs no more. I am also not leavin Derry for nothin so yeah you can pitch that bullshit. I dunno if anyone knows what recovery is all about so my contribution today is gonna be the 12 steps. In AA they have the same 12 steps but they also use em for addicts too cuz its like all the same alcohol, drugs, whatever the addiction the same things apply. So yeah, this list is on a little card that I have to carry with me wherever I go cuz thats the rules.

Anyway, here is the 12 steps and I wont tell you which one I am on cuz its confidential but yeah I gotta do all 12

:: The 12 Steps :::

1: We admitted we were powerless over drugs--that our lives had become unmanageable.
2: Came to believe that a Power greater than ourselves could restore us to sanity.
3: Made a decision to turn our will and our lives over to the care of God as we understood Him.
4: Made a searching and fearless moral inventory of ourselves.
5: Admitted to God, to ourselves and to another human being the exact nature of our wrongs.
6: Were entirely ready to have God remove all these defects of character.
7: Humbly asked Him to remove our shortcomings.
8: Made a list of all persons we had harmed, and became willing to make amends to them all.
9: Made direct amends to such people wherever possible, except when to do so would injure them or others.
10: Continued to take personal inventory and when we were wrong promptly admitted it.
11: Sought through prayer and meditation to improve our conscious contact with God, as we understood Him, praying only for knowledge of His will for us and the power to carry that out.
12: Having had a spiritual awakening as the result of these steps, we tried to carry this message to addicts, and to practice these principles in all our affairs.

Derry Recovery Update 3

2008-05-11T15:03:00.000-07:00

Aight sorry yall for takin so long to get you an update. I am kinda lost about postin stuff on here so yeah here ya go.

The weekend has been good for Derry. His stats are comin along great, he is in less pain everyday and he is much more alert and cuttin us all up which means he is doin great. I still cant get him to curse in front of his rents (must be the damn soap incident hauntin him) but he is tellin jokes and laughin and doin all the normal stuff. He hates the hospital food which I dont blame him cuz its shit and he misses everyone that he blogs to and talks to so yeah, he is thinkin of you all.

He is supposed to move from ICU on Wed and then to a regular floor and he will be there for 1 week and then comin home so long as his stats stay good and stuff and he continues to get better kinda thing. He has no side effects other than headaches and so far its all lookin good.

I have told him what everyone has been tellin me to tell him and he says that he misses everyone and hopes everyone is good and stuff. He sends special hello's to the regulars on the blog and the people at the SIMHL.

Aight so here is my contribution to the blog for today

THIS IS WHAT I WOULD DO FOR MY BOY DERRY:

GIVE HIM ONE OF MY T-SHIRTS TO SLEEP IN.

LEAVE HIM CUTE TEXT NOTES

KISS HIM IN FR0NT OF MY FRIENDS.

TRUST HIM OVER EVERY0NE ELSE.

TELL HIM HE LOOKS AWESOME.

LOOK HIM IN THE EYE WHEN I TALK TO HIM.

LET HIM MESS WITH MY HAIR.

MESS WITH HIS HAIR.

JUST WALK AROUND WITH HIM.

FORGIVE HIS MISTAKES.

LOOK AT HIM LIKES HE'S THE ONLY GUY I SEE.

TICKLE HIM EVEN WHEN HE SAYS STOP.

HOLD HIS HAND EVEN WHEN I AM AROUND MY FRIENDS.

WHEN HE STARTS SWEARING AT ME TELL HIM I LOVE HIM.

LET HIM FALL ASLEEP IN MY ARMS

GET HIM MAD, THEN KISS HIM.

TEASE HIM & LET HIM TEASE ME BACK.

STAY UP WITH HIM ALL NIGHT WHEN HE'S SICK.

WATCH HIS FAV0RITE MOVIE WITH HIM

KISS HIS FOREHEAD.

GIVE HIM THE WORLD.

WRITE HIM LETTERS.

LET HIM WEAR MY CLOTHES,

WHEN HES SAD HANG OUT WITH HIM.

LET HIM KNOW HE'S IMPORTANT.

Derry Recovery Update 2

2008-05-08T14:07:00.001-07:00

Alright so yeah, I am gonna give ya another update here on Derry.

Earlier this morning he woke up and he seemed kinda out of it and really kinda tired which I guess he was gonna be cuz he just had his head cut open and stuff. So we come in to see him and the first thing he said to us was, "See, I told you we dont say goodbye". His mom was like mad crieing and stuff. I think she was just happy to see he was ok.

He seems to be doin good and the doctor said that if he keeps his stats improving then he will be out of the ICU by next wed or thur.

So yeah, there ya go, hes doin good. He even asked if I traded Richards yet and I told him yeah I did and told him I traded him to Columbus for a pick. He gave me a funny look and said I better be kidding or he was gonna kick my ass. I told him I was kidding and that he couldn't kick my ass from the bed so we kinda laughed.

Hes takin some kinda pain killer and he shoots it up himself so he was kinda awake and then asleep and then awake again.

Aight so yeah thats that. I guess what I am sayin is, its lookin good.

Derry Recovery Update 1

2008-05-07T14:35:00.000-07:00

So yeah Derry asked me to post updates so you all know what is goin on kinda thing so yeah, these entries are prolly not gonna be long but you will know what is goin on kinda thing.

Oh yeah, I am Caleb, his boyfriend just in case you don’t know who I am.

Okay so the surgery was today. He went in around 8 AM and it took the doctors just over 7 hours to complete the work. They came out and said that Derry was doing fine, and that the operation went good. They believe they got all of the tumor and he was going to be moved to the ICU in a few hours. He prolly would not be awake and able to talk till sometime tomorrow.

We were allowed to visit for just a few minutes and he was hooked up to all kinds of monitors and machines and had some tube down his throat. His head was all wrapped up but he looked like he was kinda at peace or somethin.

Oh yeah, I dunno if you know much bout Derry and religion but he has this laminated card in his wallet that he carries everywhere and he took it with him to the hospital. I saw it sitting on his table in the room. Well yeah so here is what it says, I kinda like it

One night a man had a dream. He dreamed He was walking along the beach with the LORD. Across the sky flashed scenes from His life. For each scene He noticed two sets of footprints in the sand. One belonging to Him and the other to the LORD.

When the last scene of His life flashed before Him, he looked back at the footprints in the sand. He noticed that many times along the path of His life there was only one set of footprints. He also noticed that it happened at the very lowest and saddest times of His life.

This really bothered Him and He questioned the LORD about it. LORD you said that once I decided to follow you, you'd walk with me all the way. But I have noticed that during the most troublesome times in my life there is only one set of footprints. I don't understand why when I needed you most you would leave me.

The LORD replied, my precious, precious child, I Love you and I would never leave you! During your times of trial and suffering when you see only one set of footprints, it was then that I carried you.

So yeah thats all for now, I will let ya know when he wakes up

We Don't Say Goodbye

2008-05-05T08:37:00.001-07:00

So yesterday was Caleb’s 18th Birthday and what a day it was. I started the day off by getting a hot breakfast organized for him and setting a table out on the deck so that we could enjoy breakfast together in the morning sun. Once that was done, I spent the rest of the day doing whatever he wanted to do which included taking a walk through the mall to see what was new, a stop at the local Tim’s for a coffee and then back home to spend some more time together. I made dinner for him which consisted of Rosemary encrusted Lamb Chops, organic baby greens, and Sweet Potato. The salad was a tossed garden salad in Raspberry Vinaigrette. Dessert consisted of Crème Brule. I have always loved cooking and it is something that I have spent a lot of time learning and working on. When I get the chance, I love to get in the kitchen and work magic. I swear I am a chef at heart. Though he is not old enough to legally drink, I did serve an Inniskilln Late Harvest Riesling with dinner. This straw colored wine is a beautiful balance to the Lamb Chops and its sweeter taste of lechi fruit and mango is not overwhelmed by the Lamb which tends to be a little strong when not cooked appropriately.

Having completed dinner, we took off for our bedroom to get to know each other a little better. Full from dinner and definitely aroused from a very enjoyable food experience, I took my time with him. We spent plenty of time getting close and letting our hormones take us wherever they wanted. It was not long before the moment I waited 19 years for, happened. With a gentleness and maturity that I could have only imagined, Caleb relieved me of my virginity. It was certainly one of the most anxious moments of my life, and having sensed that, he was a perfect gentleman with me and made sure that I was more than happy and comfortable with what was happening. Having done the deed, we switched places and I completed the other half of losing my virginity. It was the most dizzying experience of my life and it happened so fast that I really did not have much time to think. I simply collapsed on him and he cuddled up with me, running his hands through my hair and we just stayed that way for what seemed like hours. We later got up and spent time watching the hockey game and I spent some time working on my SIMhl thing.

Today will be the last entry in this blog that I personally will be making for at least the next 4 weeks. As many of you know, I am going in tomorrow to start pre-op for surgery on Wednesday. During this time, Caleb will be posting on my recovery so that you all know what is going on with me. I know many of you have said that I need not think this way, but the truth is this may very well be my last post ever on here. If that is the case, I would be wrong to not thank everyone who comes here and reads. Whether you leave comments or not, I know you’re here and I know your reading along. For that I thank you. You have given me the will to fight this disease. Special thanks of course to Darrell, Al, Scott, Jeremy, “N”, and Bloom who have made me feel as though this life was worth sharing with others. You have been amazing!

A very special place in my life has been occupied by Zach. In the short time that we have been talking I have become very close to this fine young man to the point where he feels more like the brother I never had. WHEN I beat this thing, give yourself a pat on the back, you were a big part of what pushed me back into Chemo and therefore to this point in which recovery is a very real possibility. I have never met him but I don’t think I need to know that he is a very special person in a world where there is very little that is special.

Lastly, to Caleb and to my family without whom I would not have the strength to fight. Caleb, you came into my life at the strangest time and in the strangest way but nothing about what I feel for you feels strange at all. Thank you for all you are and all you will be. Mom and Dad, I love you…your son is going to win this one, don’t you worry.

On that note, I leave you now for the next few weeks anyway and God forbid, if this was/is my last entry, than fate will have done what she see’s fit to do and hopefully this blog will have in some way changed the world around me! God Bless all of you…see you in a few weeks! Whatever happens, we don't say goodbye!

LiveSTRONG

The Boy Makes Me Laugh, What Can I Say

2008-05-03T17:27:00.001-07:00

And now for something completely different!

For those of you who hang out in Sim Land with the rest of us hockey junkies, you have no doubt met my buddy Rob who goes by Unohuim (you-know-who-I-am).

What many of you may not know is that Rob is an accomplished comedian. We know this to be true just by looking at his team...a definite joke (sorry Rob, I had to)

Seriously though, Rob is a regular at Yuk Yuk's Comedy Club and is set to appear again in the next few weeks. I have seen Rob on Youtube and I have to say, his comedy is amazing. I was LMAO well I watched. If you have not had the pleasure, I am including the two clips he has on Youtube of his performances. I strongly encourage you to check them out.

Rob does a great job poking fun at Toronto traffic, the Facebook phenomenon, and other pop culture artifacts that you just can't help but laugh at. I think a lot of what makes him funny is that he points out the things that we all deep down know are absolutely true, but just dont have the cojones to say out loud, and at that, stand in front of a crowd of perfect strangers and do it. Rob on the other hand has stones the size of boulders and spits out his thoughts with a tone of sarcasm and truthfulness that just makes you want more and more.

What more can I say? Ladies and gentlemen, heeeeerrrrrreeeeeesssss Rob!

LiveSTRONG!

Life Before Cancer, Part 7

2008-05-02T11:32:00.001-07:00

Learning to talk when you are much older is a real challenge. If your a parent, think back to when you were teaching your kid to talk. You kept trying to get them to say something and the only thing that would often come out was some garbled ga-ga that you interpreted to mean, "Holy shit, my son just said Da-Da" LOL

Learning to talk for me has meant going to a speech therapist for intensive therapy. The mode of learning is a lot like having a conversation. A lot of what I do involves trying to have a conversation. The whole process starts with simple things like learning the alphabet, working on annunciation, and pronunciation. You start to learn simple phrases and words. Usually things like greetings and responses. In a lot of ways, it was exactly like learning ASL except this time I was speaking instead of signing.

Sometimes we would be working with books where words were sounded out phonetically and other times we would use video or audio tools to help me figure out how words should sound. A lot of the time it was a case of, "Listen and repeat" or as the French would say, Ecoute and Repetition.

The biggest hurdle for me was getting over my self consciousness around the sound of my voice. Initially I felt like I sounded like a frog with a throat infection. It made me very uncomfortable attempting to speak. Over time though I got comfortable with the sound of my voice and it became my own. Not something or someone elses...just mine.

One of the other big hurdles was my parents insisting on making me respond to them using words. Only occasionally would they use ASL with me and if I went to use it with them, they would often not respond until I tried to speak first. It may sound mean, and at the time I felt like it was but I know now that they were doing the right thing.

Don't get me wrong, I am still using ASL from time to time and I usually do it AS I am speaking. This way Caleb learns ASL and I dont forget how to use it myself.

There are somethings I still struggle with and they are mainly the letters, "S" and "C". The letter C only messes me up when it is used as a soft C. I dont know why it is such a challenge but it is, and I am working on it.

Many months of speech therapy have gotten me to the point where I sound a lot like the deaf people you hear on TV. They have a certain way of talking and if you have seen them on TV you know what I am talking about.

Speech therapy is a big topic though and there is a lot I could say about it and a lot I could tell you.

What I have given you here is just an overview. Maybe you could tell me if there is something specific you want to know about and I will be happy to shed some more light on it for you.

Well its Friday, the big weekend is here...I can hardly wait. I hope everyone has a great weekend and as always...

LiveSTRONG!

Something Random

2008-05-01T12:40:00.000-07:00

I have spent the last week or so trying to get Caleb oriented with the SimHL league I play in. In just under a week I will be turing the reigns of my hockey team over to the Big C. I have put a lot of work into this team and the idea of letting someone else run it for 4-6 weeks is a little bit nerve racking but I have faith in the big guy and if he follows the simple directions I left him, we should be fine.

The nice thing too is that I have made some connections for him on the site as well that he can rely on to ask questions and stuff. The only thing I have told him for sure is not to trade anyone LOL.

With all that said, his B-day is just a few days away now and my nerves continue to go off on me. I want him to be happy so badly that I think I am overthinking the whole thing. Then, there is Zach who simply suggests that I get pounded and move on LOL. God love Zach, he always makes it sound so simple. I think we should flip a coin on who gets to do what but then its his B-day so who am I to say how things should go right?

I have arranged a cake for him too. I know he likes chocolate so I have arranged a chocolate cake with white icing and Blue trim. I also toyed with whether or not to put 18 candles on it or just get a 1 and an 8 candle but I have decided that the 18 candles would be more fun. This way it looks like an inferno on the cake and I can make cracks about needing a fire extinguisher.

I dont really have much to say today to be honest, I was going to talk some more about speech therapy but I just opted not to. I guess I am getting a little worried too about Wednesday. It seems to be creeping up on me really fast.

Alright well, I just wanted to say a few words today. Tomorrow I will write more and will do that entry on speech therapy that I have been threatening to write.

Until then...

LiveSTRONG!

Life Before Cancer, Part 6

2008-04-30T13:01:00.001-07:00

Before I get into speech therapy, Al raised a great point. A point about sounds startling me or scaring me. Thats a good point and I am going to explore it, thanks for bringing that up Al 8)

What you are referring to is Aural Habilitation. This is the process of being taught how to understand sounds. When you are able to hear for the first time a lot of sounds not only startle you, but placing where they came from is also a challenge. When I say placing, I dont mean what created the sound, but what I am talking about is what location it came from. Sounds coming from behind me can be difficult as well as sounds coming from the left or right. Its a lot easier when you know its right in front of you but when something makes a noise and you cant see where it came from, it can be tough to comprehend.

Also, keep in mind that things like sarcasm, anger, sadness and other emotions are very difficult to figure out. I find sarcasm the hardest of all because it involves not only understanding the tone of the voice, but also the words. For that reason, I often do not click in when someone is being sarcastic with me. I can figure it out when they use ASL but not when they actually speak.

Other things that can be hard to deal with are telephones. I find that unless the line is very clear, I can sometimes find myself not completely sure of what is being said to me and so I have to listen closer. I also find CD's are a little tough too sometimes when music and words are combined. Sometimes the music is clear but if the voice of the singer is not terribly clear, I can struggle with it.

Aural habilitation is done with a specialist and it involves things like using the phone, listening to CD's and books on tape, reading out loud or listening to someone read short things and then repeating it back. The goal is to get you to the point where you can train your hearing to be able to make out words and sounds and not only determine what they are, but also where they are coming from.

One thing Al said is very true. All the little sounds that you take for granted or maybe have just trained yourself not to listen to (Like your spouse's voice LOL) for me are much more distracting and startling. You may not find a dripping tap to be a big deal but to me it is a major nuissance. Rustling trees, pants rubbing together, people chewing loud crunchy food, debris blowing down a street, anything like that. I guess you would call them environmental sounds, and you probably tune them out but I dont. I hear them, and I dont take them for granted.

LiveSTRONG!

Walk With Me, Talk With Me!

2008-04-29T10:30:00.000-07:00

Its been a little while since I took a step back and just talked a little about what is going on here so I thought I should take a break from the current series today and just do a quick check in with everyone so you all know what is going on.

Tomorrow I head in for my final pre-op work and do my last round of chemo before we get ready for the big day next wednesday. I cant believe I am a week away from the biggest day of my life. Its scary and exciting all at the same time. All the tests so far indicate that the time is right so I guess now I just put faith in the powers that be around this.

For those wondering what is new with Caleb, he has settled in nicely in our house. He is doing everything that is asked of him and I honestly think that he is doing better than he ever has. He has also connected with Zach on the SIMhl and the two of them have been at each other in some sort of rap rhyme contest. I tried to compete but I am just bad at it. Zach tells me though that Caleb is pretty good and that he is giving him a challenge. Hard to rip on Caleb cuz he is pretty air tight. On that same note, Caleb is going to take the keys to the SIMhl for me well I am gone and run my team. Zach, Fire, and Al have all agreed to help him out where they can. I picked my 3 fav GM's and I took those 3 cuz at least one is guaranteed to be on long enough to check if there is mail from Caleb.

What to do about the blog though. I sent my buddy Zach a note to ask him what he thought I should do and he agreed that the best thing to do was to give Caleb the keys to my blog and let him use it as a way of keeping all of you up to date around what is happening with my recovery. It appears that even from my hospital bed, the reality/gong show that is my life will continue to stream live on the blog. Before anyone asks, I will not be accepting, flowers, cards or phone calls. Two reasons for this. One is that I dont think its necessary and secondly, I think that kind of stuff should be posted on the blog. If you feel the need to write something about my recovery, please post it on the blog so everyone can be a part of it instead of just me. The world needs more feel good comments and I dont think I should be the only one who gets to enjoy them.

On another note, Caleb's 18th Birthday is coming May 4th. I am going to take him out for dinner and the rents have agreed to let me have the house to myself. I think they know more than they let on but they seem to trust me. Its my intention to finally have sex with the Big C and get that out on the table. I am sure it will be awkward, weird, and completely spastic but I dont care. I love him and I can think of no better way to show him that then to finally give it up. I also want to do this because I go in for surgery just a few days later and if I dont make it, I want to know that I finally gave up my virginity to the one who makes me shine!

There is probably loads more I could and should write, and I will. I am going to transition this blog from being about the past to being more about the present and future. The entry right before I go in for surgery will be a culmination of my life before Cancer. It will also be the last time I spend so much time talking about the past. Going forward I will spend more time talking about my future and the present. That does not mean I am going to stop talking about the wonders of being able to hear, cuz I am still gonna do that. I also need to make sure I spend a few entries blogging about Zach since he seems to think I need to spend a few entries talking about him. Its like I have always said though, becareful what you wish for LOL!

Alrighty everyone, hope you have a great day, and I will see you tomorrow when I walk you through speech therapy!

LiveSTRONG!

Life Before Cancer, Part 5

2008-04-28T13:13:00.001-07:00

I have talked about the sounds of my first thunderstorm and I was trying to think about what would be interesting to talk about next. I think I am going to talk about hearing my own voice for the first time. From there I will spend some time tomorrow talking about speech therapy since they go hand in hand.

When you dont know how to talk sometimes the biggest challenge is just trying to get the simplest words out. The problem is, when I first went to say anything at all it was basically a grunting kind of sound. Not really words as much as it was just a collection of sounds.

When I first went to try and talk and find my voice I was really self conscious. I was afraid to let people hear me because to me it sounded more like an animal and not much like a human voice. I think in that respect it can be kind of embarassing.

Its really hard to describe because most people do not remember when they first spoke. You can hear a baby giggle, gurgle, and make baby noises and although we laugh at stuff like that, it is not always as funny when your hearing a grown teenager doing it..

So what did my voice sound like? Well, it was kind of deep, kind of smooth, but kind of start and stop. I dont really know how to describe it any other way. Its really tough to try and explain when you dont really know yourself.

Once I got the ability to use my voice, the next step was to learn to be able to use it to make actual words instead of just funny sounds.

In my next entry I am going to spend a little bit of time talking about speech therapy and the long and painful process of learning to talk at my age. Its not easy and I still dont have it right but I am trying and I am doing pretty good at it.

Stay tuned, the best is yet to come in this series. On that note, is there anything in particular you would like me to blog about? If there is, leave it in the remarks and I will be happy to touch on it for you. Till then

LiveSTRONG!

Life Before Cancer, Part 4

2008-04-27T09:16:00.000-07:00

Some of the greatest hearing experiences come from the environment. I think when you hear the sounds of a car going past you, construction happening, a honking horn, all that neat stuff. What I dont think many people do though is step outside at night and listen to (let me steal this from the production) the music of the night.

I can clearly recall the night I first stepped outside and heard crickets. The chirping sounds that they make. It really made me curious because I really had no idea what the sound was or how it was made. I later learned that the cricket rubs its hind legs together to make that noise, but what a discovery. I also listened to leaves rustling in the tree in our backyard. The sound was like a pair of nylon pants rubbing together followed by a whoosh and rattle/crackle kind of sound. It was amazing. There is a ravine not far from where I live and I remember walking through there and hearing the sounds of a stream running. The gurgle of the stream as it ran across rocks and stony outcroppings. It was amazing. The calm and constant sound of the water running its course.

I save the best of all though for the last. I am sure many of you can relate to this and so I am going to spend some time on it. Do many of you recall your first Thunderstorm? I do. I opened the door and stood there on the porch as the rain poured down. I was covered by the front porch...I wanted to hear the sounds, not get soaking wet. At first it was a gentle pitter patter as the rain struck the aluminum parts of the porch, then the sound got louder as the rain fell harder. Soon it was an overpowering barrage of rain and all I could hear was the roof above me and the splashing of the drops hitting the rain soaked driveway. I could hear the drops splashing in the pools of water that were forming. Then it happened, as if out of nowhere natures majesty exposed herself just for me, and with that, a huge flash of light as lightning struck some far away place. Remember, I had no idea what was about to happen next. KAAAABBBBBOOOOOMMMM!!!! and you saw one teenage boy jump straight out of his skin. I was focusing so hard on the sound of the rain that the blast of thunder damn near put me in tears. It scared me so badly that it was not only the ground that shook with the explosive sound, it was me that shook right along with it. I bit my lip and settled myself. Welcome to thunder, I thought to myself. I was grateful that nature gives us that subtle warning that is lightning and as the night wore on, I learned to cover my ears as soon as I saw the warning shot of bright light.

Ever since that evening, I have been completely hooked on thunderstorms. I love them, I pray for them and when they happen, you can almost always find me on the front porch enjoying every second of it.

For all the material things that we have in life, I think that we forget the beauty that mother nature bestows on us for our own personal enjoyment. I dont know if you have sat outside in a while and listened to a thunderstorm, and i dont mean just listen, I mean really listen. Turn off the other sounds and really hear the drops of rain hit the ground. If you haven't, make sure you do. Its a real treat and those of us who choose to immerse ourselves in its beauty are much richer for it.

LiveSTRONG!

Life Before Cancer, Part 3

2008-04-25T09:12:00.001-07:00

I walked out the door of the office and it felt like I was in another world. From the sounds of the door clicking shut to the swoosh swoosh of my shoes as I walked down the carpeted hall and the ping of the elevator arriving. It was all so new to me. I had no idea what to make of it all.

The thing most people forget is that you take for granted the smallest sounds that for someone like me are completely new and foreign.

Getting off the elevator, I made my way to the outside world. Perhaps the biggest thing was the sounds of cars on the street. From engines racing and idling, to the sound of them passing by, tires making crackling sounds against the pavement. It was funny, I had to get used to listening for traffic instead of just watching for it.

Now, the thing with a CI is that it does require updating from time to time, 3, 6, and 12 months kind of thing. The CI needs to essentially be fine tuned for your personal situation and that can only be done over time with feedback from the user.

Aside from environmental sounds, I think for me, one of the best things was being able to hear music. Again, you dont really realize how beautiful something like that can be until your hearing it for the first time. I will spend some more time on that later.

As you can imagine, another highlight was being able to hear my mom and dad's voice. It was really something special to hear them and to hear emotion in their voices. Its a special moment that I think I will always remember for as long as live. The fun part was just moving around the house, testing how far away I could go before I stopped hearing them and then spending time testing my ability to make out words that they were speaking and stuff like that.

I think one of the most fun things was listening to things being cooked in the kitchen. The sound of water being run into a pot, things boiling, other things sizzling, microwave running, all that stuff that most people think nothing of, was very interesting to me. honestly, when was the last time you stood in your kitchen and listened to bacon cook in a frying pan...listen to the popping and snapping and sizzling. I bet you haven't have you? Dont even get me started on my experiences with rice krispies LOL.

I could talk about this stuff forever and it would never be enough. I am going to keep posting on this kind of stuff until I run out of things like this to post on. From there we can go to music, movies, all kinds of stuff but most importantly, we can go to the sound of my own voice.

Perhaps in the next entry I should talk about more of the environmental sounds and then move to some other things like crowds, malls, stuff like that. I am like a kid in a candy store right now....so much I could talk about and I have no idea where to start.

Yeah, I think in the next entry I will talk more about environment stuff and then move on to my own voice and the challenges of learning to talk for the very first time.

LiveSTRONG!

UPDATE

2008-04-24T13:19:00.001-07:00

I had an entry all ready to go and I was going to post it this afternoon until the phone rang.

It was my surgeons office. Apparently my surgeon reviewed the rest of the scan images and the lab work they ran and has decided that he wants to proceed with the Craniotomy. He wants to book me in for a week from next Wed.

I am in a total state of shock right now. I have no idea what to do but my gut is saying to do it. I need to talk to Caleb and I need to talk to my rents and see what they have to say. The surgeon wants to know by tomorrow so he can make the arrangements. Apparently there is pre-op stuff to do and he needs to get it moving.

I don't know what to say or do at this point even though my gut is saying do it.

The surgery is a big deal, its about a 10-14 hour affair and I will be laid up in hospital for as long as 4 weeks with another possible two weeks of recovery at home.

God this is such a big deal. if it works I could be cancer free in a couple of weeks and he seems to think that this is the time to do it. The tumor is responding to the Chemo and he believes he has a good shot at getting all of it. If we wait another 3 weeks it could get smaller or it could remain the same but my labs may not be as good.

I guess the decision is really being made for me. I guess I have to do this.

Sorry to drop this on everyone but it just got dropped on me. Now I need to talk to Caleb and the rents.

If its a go, I will let you know tomorrow and then I will continue my series on life before Cancer that everyone seems to be enjoying.

I will want to wrap up that series before I go in.

I still can't believe this is happening to me...I feel alive

LiveSTRONG!

The Courage To Keep Fighting!

2008-04-23T16:35:00.000-07:00

sometimes there is an event in your life that gives you the courage and the desire to keep fighting. Sometimes you get news that makes you think that it is all worth it, that you need to keep going. Those moments are precious and when they happen you need to latch on to them and never let them go.

For me, that moment came today. I had a routine scan today to check on the progress of the Chemo before I started another round today. Once the scan was done, I went and got hooked up for my Chemo treatment.

Once the treatment was done I met with my neurosurgeon to discuss the results. He put the images up on the screen and told me that we were making some positive progress. The Glioma was actually reducing in size. What he was saying was that I was responding to this new Chemo concoction and we were actually winning the battle. I was speechless, I really didn't know what to say. I was excited but afraid to believe it was true. I asked if he could cut it out yet and he said he could probably do it but wanted to wait a few more weeks, do a few more chemo treatments and see if we could get it a little smaller.

I couldn't believe what I was hearing! There is now a chance that we may be able to complete a craniotomy and excise the Glioma on my brain stem. If it works, I would be rid of it and I may very well remain healthy for the rest of my life.

I am still afraid to believe it all. I am afraid it was just a dream but its not, its really happening to me.

In a few weeks I could be booking a surgical meeting and preparing for surgery. I can't believe it...I just can't believe it.

The surgery is not without risks but I don't care. If it can be done, I want it done. If I don't do it, then I may only have 18 months or less but if it works, I could have the rest of my life!

I am just so pumped and excited and yet I am trying to remain calm cuz it is not written in stone yet. We need to see what happens in a few weeks...at least another 3 treatments, another scan, and then we decide.

I am just hoping that it gets small enough for the surgeon to say yes. I wanna say thanks to everyone who has prayed for me, and has been so supportive and pulled for me. You know who you are and you will never know just how much of an impact you have had on me.

Keep praying for me. Miracles really do happen and I am convinced that I can beat this now, now more than ever, I am sure I can. I will beat this, I will be a survivor, I will LIVESTRONG!!!!!

LiveSTRONG!

Life Before Cancer, Part 2

2008-04-22T07:49:00.000-07:00

once a CI is installed and turned on, much like a television or a computer or anything else electronic, it needs to be programmed. My CI was no different. The key thing with the programming is setting the volume and getting the resolution of the sound right. If the volume is too high, obviously its like having your ears rung, and it the volume is too low then you cant hear anything clearly.

Getting the sound resolution right is also critical because if you dont get that set right, you will hear what sounds like garbled noise, static, or mumbling depending on what your listening to.

The programming took a little bit of time and involved some simple tests where various words and sounds were played for me and I had to identify them the best I could. As we completed the programming, I got to the point where I was ready to go out and face the world.

Once your programming is done, you still have to go back periodically to get things adjusted and have a few technical things tweaked. Its not as complicated as it sounds but it is important to maintain the quality of the sounds your hearing.

Once all the initial programming is done, you can safely walk out the door and begin hearing the world at large.

The thing that I had to keep in mind is that like anything in life, it gets better with time. I was warned that initially some things may not sound clear, voices may still seem garbled and I may get frustrated with not being able to make out everything I hoped to make out. I was told that as my body trained itself to use the device, I would be able to use it more effectively and I would do much better with it.

As I got up to go, I heard the squeaking of my shoes on the floor, I took the door handle and heard the click clack of the hinge as the door opened and I stopped cold as I realized that I was hearing...actually hearing.

In my next entry, I will take you on my first trip out the door from the specialists office as I entered the world as a hearing abled person and everything that comes with that experience.

LiveSTRONG!

Life Before Cancer, Part 1

2008-04-21T08:54:00.000-07:00

This entry will mark the first of a new series I will be running for the next little while. The only break in the series will come Thursday when I go over the results of my scan. I hope you enjoy this new series as much as I am going to enjoy writing it.

I did not always have cancer, and I was not always doing chemo and battling this disease. There was a time when I had my hearing and I was free of illness.

Sometimes when your in the middle of battling something you lose your perspective and your whole world becomes swallowed up by the big C word and then it the focus of everything you talk about all the time.

Today I want to break that cycle and take some time this week to talk about a few big events that took place before the biggest one of all happened.

I can remember very clearly waking up in the hospital after having the implant surgery done. My life was about to change in a big way. I was going to be able to hear for the first time. The thing you have to remember is that a Cochlear works for different people in different ways. Some people can hear sounds but it is not all that clear well others hear things pretty well and can make things out. You dont know what your personal situation is going to be until you get your activation done.

Once the surgery is done it takes about 4 weeks for the surgical site to heal up and then you meet with your specialist to have the rest of the hookup and programming done.

I remember very clearly, the wait for the big day. In my case it took 5 weeks for the site to heal sufficiently enough for me to entertain having everything else done. I met with the specialist after anxiously waiting all the day before. You have no idea what it is like to sit and wait knowing that one day later your going to be able to hear.

Once I met with the specialist, he explained all the external parts to me. He then began the process of hooking me up. there is a magnet that holds the device to the side of my head and that is also where the surgical site is which was a little tender but I was too excited to care.

He hooked up the device and before he turned it on we had some conversation around what to expect and what the future would hold. Then the moment of truth, the device was turned on. I heard a bit of crackling and then the first few sounds of my life.

I am going to spend an entire entry on some of the sounds that I heard for the very first time and what it was like to hear them.

What I am going to do tomorrow is walk you through the stages of programming a CI device and what it was like to go through programming as well as doing a separate entry on speech therapy and learning how to talk.

I know I have glossed over this stuff in the past but I think I am going to focus more time on it now.

Thursday will be a special update on my progress as I get the results of the latest scan of my tumor.

I want to spend the next little while talking about what it was like to hear and live life for the first time as a hearing abled individual and before I got diagnosed with Cancer. I think it would be fun to share all that with you.

I hope you stick around as I walk you through the steps of programming and all the fun that comes with that.

Hang in there, the best is yet to come!

LiveSTRONG!

A Day Of First's

2008-04-20T08:52:00.001-07:00

Yesterday was a day of firsts for me. It was truly a very big day in my life as I did a couple of things I have never done before. I know I left everyone hanging in my last entry but I needed to get some advice, and some opinions from some people I really trust. My thanks to those of you who were able to get back to me so quickly.

Lets get down to business. The first thing for the day took place when I woke up. As I left off, I was going to get out of bed and I couldn't. Caleb was half awake, half dressed, and laying there in bed looking really cute. I have no idea what took over me or what happened but in a moment of time that I can't really understand, I shared a very intimate exchange with him, one that made him very happy. Now, don't get me wrong, I am still very much a virgin so NO, we did not have sex. It was just something that at the time, felt like something I wanted to do for him. When it was over, it changed me. I think for me it was the first real moment in which I have committed to this new lifestyle on a physical level. I mean, sure, sleeping with him and kissing him and all that was probably a commitment, but what I did that morning was something all together different. I thought I would be scared, nervous, freaked out and all that stuff but I wasn't. I was actually very comfortable and very much in control of myself. Th best part was when it was all done and he put his hand on the side of my face and with a very sincere look on his face, he said thank you and that he loved me and knew how much courage that probably took. I felt appreciated and it made the start of my day a good one.

The day was already going to be a big one for me as we were heading to my first ever Toronto Blue Jays game. The Jays were playing the Tigers and I was going! We were sitting in Section 127 of the Rogers Centre which is right between home plate and third and we were about 10 rows back from the field. It was amazing.

When we got to the dome stadium I was in complete awe of the size of the whole thing. It is huge inside and out. We walked along outside to gate 10 where we were going to head in. There was a huge mob of people and I got a little disoriented with all those people being around...talking, laughing, people yelling about selling tickets, program vendors yelling out for people to buy the game day program.

Once we got inside the gate I think I was in another world. The sounds, so many sounds. Sounds of people walking, talking, vendors selling things, cell phones ringing. It was very intense for me. I just wanted to find my seat and get settled.

W made our way down the aisle and Caleb took the inside seat and let me sit closest to the aisle. I wanted to be close to an aisle in case I got overwhelmed and had to get up.

One by one, players took time in the batting cage. It was amazing, the sound of the crack of the bat, the snap of the ball hitting the leather of Marco Scutaro's glove at third, the bats being bounced on the turf and the gentle buzz of voices in this massive stadium having conversations.

Once the warm ups were done we were all asked to stand and remove our hats for the singing if the national anthems. I have never heard the US anthem before and so when this girl walked out to the mike and started singing, I was blown away. Her voice was so pure, so strong. She sang and gave me goosebumps. As she switched to the Canadian Anthem, I did my best to sing along with her as I heard a dull version of the anthem being sung in the stadium as over 30,000 voices sang along with her. It was awe inspiring and I was lost for words...flush with emotions.

When she completed the anthems the loud roar of cheering swept the stadium and I almost had to cover my ears it was so loud. It really threw me.

Out walked Dustin McGowan to start the game. I watched him wind up and throw his first pitch as my first ever Jays game began in earnest. I heard the snap of Rod Barajas's glove as Dustin threw his first pitch for ball 1. I will never forget that image of Dustin throwing that first pitch, the mutton chop side burns, the look of seriousness and the batter waiting for the opportunity to crank the offering out of the park.

It was not long before I got my first home run experience. Bottom of the 1st and Alex Rios takes Bonderman deep for a solo shot. "Touch em all Alex" I shout as he makes his way around third. I know he does not hear me but I dont care. The crowd is just roaring and I am really getting into the whole thing. Its loud, very very loud and the sound effects in the game really give me a few moments of jumping in my seat as I am not ready for them. I am getting used to it though and Caleb keeps an eye on me. I think he is wrapped up in that child like wonder I bring to watching the game.

Things go back and forth all game as the Jays score, then the Tigers score, and the Jays score again!

I participate in the wave as it makes its way around the dome several times before people lose interest. The 7th inning stretch affords me a chance to get up and stretch my legs and arms. I am having a blast.

By the time the 9th inning rolls around, its 3-2 Jays and my boy B.J. Ryan comes running in from the pen to a thunderous applause. I am out of my seat and standing now with almost everyone else. Ryan gives up one hit and then another. There is a man on 3rd and a man on 1st with 2 out. One hit and the game is tied. The count is 2-2 and we are all screaming for a strike. The clapping, cheering, and anticipation. The tension is unreal as we all wait. Here's the pitch, Snap, it hits the glove as the umpire turns, shoots out his arm and declares a strike. 'He struck him out, he struck him out I yell as I jump around" . The dome goes nuts as everyone lets out a collective sigh of relief and a massive cheer.

Jays win, Jays win 3-2 as the players roll out to the field to congratulate each other.

The bus ride home is amazing. I sit and reflect on the day that was and how much fun I had at my first game. It surely wont be my last one.

Today I experience two very major things in my life and both of them have different yet profound impacts on me for 2 different reasons. I am very lucky and I know it. I have challenged my fear of crowds and loud noise and lived to tell. I have done what every kid needs to do and that is to see their baseball team win a ballgame.

Today I not only lived, but I lived STRONG! I am in awe and my emotions wont let me properly share what all this meant to me. I hope you can read between the lines today and know that today was one of the biggest days in my life.

LiveSTRONG!

What's In A Derry?

2008-04-19T15:52:00.001-07:00

My name is kind of unique or so I am told anyway. I dont think I have ever met another Derry personally and most people I talk to haven't run into one either. I am not sure how my rents decided on my name but to be honest, I think it is really cool.

There are some not so cool things about it and one is that I often get called Derry Queen. I laugh about it now but when I was younger I did not find it so funny. its also tough to be named after a food group cuz then you get the silly comments about making sure you get enough servings of Derry LOL.

On the flip side though, Caleb thinks its really cool that my name is so unique. I think his is unique too cuz I don't know any other Caleb's but him.

So last night was a total train wreck at my house. The rents are gone until Sunday night which means that Caleb and I have had the house to ourselves since Friday. Last night we opened up a case of 24 (I don't drink much at all but tonight I decided to let loose). For Caleb its a real treat because him being 17, he is not at the legal drinking age, and me being 19, I am JUST at the legal age. So last night we get into the beer and sure enough, Caleb gets almost stone cold hammered. At one point he had my mom's swiffer mop and he was dancing around the living room and pretending to do Karaoke. Through all of this I have a wicked buzz going and I am chatting away to Zach on the SIM who is having a great time letting me have it in an insult war.

At any rate, as the night wore on we both got to the point where we were tired and we headed for bed. From there, we got changed and instead of sleeping apart, Caleb crawled into my bed and we crashed together. Nothing happened, nothing at all except him wrapping his arm around me and me pulling up close to him. We both crashed and slept together. I will admit it took me a little while to fall asleep, my adrenaline was going and my hormones were on overdrive but I did manage to fall asleep after a while.

It was the sound of the alarm that woke me up at 9 AM. I went to get up, rolled over and started to wake Caleb up. We were heading to my first ever baseball game today in Toronto to watch the Jays play the Tigers. This was going to be a big day for me.

I went to get out of bed but something was on my mind, something was pulling at me.

And your just going to have to wait till tomorrow to find out what happened and hear about my first baseball game...sorry...I need to get some advice on something first.

LiveSTRONG!

The 19 Year Old Virgin

2008-04-18T06:55:00.001-07:00

Every now and then I feel the need to bare my soul to the world and let everyone in for an intimate walk through the inner workings of who I am. To give everyone a glimpse of the fabric of who I am. Today is one of those days.

I had a great conversation last night that got me thinking. I am 19 years old and I have never had sex with anyone. I mean, I have kissed girls and I have most definitely kissed Caleb but that is as much experience as I have.

At 19 I know that makes me very odd. Not many guys my age can claim to never have done anything serious with one sex or the other. I accept that it makes me an oddball, I also know that some will think it makes me lame or whatever. I get it, and I accept that.

Thing is, I want to share the experience of intimate exchanges with someone I love and who loves me back. Notice I said Love, not Lust. I have lusted for many people in my life but Love is something different. I also need the person that I love to be able to challenge me physically, emotionally, and intellectually. I need the person to have intelligence. I don't want the easy way out. I could probably have had sex many times over by now but I haven't because it was too easy. I want to give the person I love enough to have sex with, the gift of my virginity. God, that must sound so very lame to many people. I must also sound like such a prude and a dreamer.

I know the one thing about intimacy that scares me more than anything else is that I am not going to be good at it or good enough. I worry that because this is my first time I am not going to be able to make Caleb happy. I know that sounds stupid because he has told me many times that I already make him happy and he is fine being patient with me around this. It does not change the fact that I am going to be nervous as all get out. Guys, you know what I am talking about...this entry is a soul searching entry and so you need to know that its going to get personal. I worry that I wont be able to perform well or for any great length of time. Think back to your very first experience, think back to the things that went through your mind. Think back to how quickly the whole thing happened and left you wondering..."what the hell just happened and what do I do now?" Those are the things that I think about.

Am I overanalyzing this? maybe I am but its only because I am the kind of person who thinks...a lot. I also know that my brand of sex is not mainstream. I have plenty of knowledge about main stream heterosexual sex. Its taught to us in school and its all over the media. The thing is, I don't have nearly as much knowledge around gay sex and combining that with the fact I have no experience period, its like a double whammy. I am really just very confused about the whole thing.

Caleb's birthday is May 4th and I am thinking that the gift I will end up giving him is me...I think that is going to be the day in which I decide that this is the right thing for me. I know I don't owe it to him and I know he would never think that but I think its the right time and the right way to do it.

What can I say...I am 19...a virgin...a bisexual...and trying to find my true place in the world. I am lame and naive, easy to trick, easy to pull apart, easy to beat up in a verbal fight, and easy to rattle if you try hard enough. I have a strong facade, I look tough, I try to talk tough but my insecurities always get the better of me when the camera looks away, when the spotlight moves to someone else. As much as I try to pretend that the things in my world don't bother me, the truth is I am still the simple guy who sometimes sits on his bed and shakes violently when he steps back and takes a good long look at all that is around him. I am still a kid trapped in a body that is quickly trying to become an adult, a body that I often pull apart mentally for its shortcomings and inadequacies. I am the guy who finds salvation and peace in the simplest things life has to offer. I am the guy who approaches almost everything with a child like sense of wonder and innocence. I am on the cusp of the most adult thing I have ever done and that same naive, innocent, child like mindset is the one thing that keeps me from being all in, when it comes to giving it up.

I need to conquer my insecurities...and soon.

LiveSTRONG!

Chemo Is The Gift That Keeps On Giving

2008-04-17T12:33:00.000-07:00

I have just wrapped up the third Chemo treatment which means next week I will do the 4th but not before we do a mini-progress report. It will likely be one of the most critical reports yet. Any signs that the tumor is shrinking will mean that progress is being made and we may be able to get into a position to do something more aggressive in terms of treatment and radiation etc. If the results are not positive, then it means I either choose to keep this up and hope that something gives, or we just make the decision to cease this once and for all and just let it go and let me go.

The doctor will argue that if there is no progress by week 4, that is no reason to stop. In reality, he may be right. And I will probably push to keep going another 3 or 4 weeks if there is no progress. I want to be certain that if I decide to stop, that I truly did everything within reason.

However, if it has shrunk and progress is being made, we will continue indefinitely until it is at a size where something more focused and more deadly to the tumor can be used. Hell, we may even be able to use the R word (remission).

I want to remain cautiously optimistic that this is going to work but I wont know for sure until next week and so once again, the waiting game continues.

In the interim, I continue to lose my hair...which is really hard to deal with but then they say that Bald is beautiful right? I also am having a hard time maintaining my muscle tone even though I continue to work out the best I can. I get tired a lot now and the puking is getting to be a bit much but everyone keeps telling me its worth it and they are right...I know that.

So here I sit, waiting, wondering, and hoping that this is going to be the one...the treatment that gets it all done. Its been a long and winding road thus far, and i am sincerely hoping that the light at the end of the tunnel is getting close.

Props to my rents and to Caleb for sticking with me on all of this. I can't imagine how much it must take for them to put up with all of the stress that comes with all this. I know I owe them a lot.

Anyway, I don't really have much to say today. I am just praying that this next treatment and testing brings good news.

LiveSTRONG!

Meet Zach

2008-04-16T07:42:00.000-07:00

As I sit here getting ready for another round of treatment I am trying to think about what I want to blog about.

That being said, I think I am going to dedicate this entry to someone who has become a good friend of mine over the last little bit. Now, before I do that, I don't want anyone thinking, "Hey, why doesn't he blog about me". I am picking on this one person because we have had some amazing conversations over the last little bit and I think he really deserves an honourable mention. Besides, I have personally thanked everyone who has been so cool with me in the past and I will do so again over a series of blogs in which I intend to spend a whole entry on each person. Just kind of talking about them and what that person means to me.

So, without further delay, lets talk about my buddy Zach!

If you don't know who Zach is, he is the GM of Columbus in the league I am in. In terms of the SIMhl, Zach is one of the bright minds in the league. He runs a solid team and is in my opinion, one of the better GM's in there.

From a personal point, Zach has been a great friend to me. We often run into each other on the site and we start yakking about just about everything. He keeps me dialed into the blog by suggesting things I could talk about and his feedback in the comments section is always great.

Had it not been for Zach, I would not have had exposure to a music style that I was not all that close to. I am talking about Rap. If you read my blog on Rap you would have noticed that Zach did the intro.

I think one of the reasons we get along so well is that we are also quite close in age. I wont expose his age on here cuz that would not be fair but I will say he is not far off from me. I also like his dry sarcastic humour. Its funny, he can cut you up and have you laughing about it at the same time. I value that in a person. Thing is though, as much as he can cut you up, he can also pick you up too. On more than one occasion I have been a little down and Zach will come along and say something to me that just makes me feel good. It means a lot when he does that.

Now, dont get me wrong here, Zach is a great guy but I want to make it clear, he is also very straight. My kind words about him should not be read into as anything more than saying something nice about a really nice guy. In fact, part of what makes it so fun to chat with him is that he pokes a little fun at my bi-lifestyle. We joke about coming out of closets, gory details, and other stuff that usually leads to his trademark response, "Oh god". I always howl when I see him type that as I imagine him squirming in his chair trying to figure a way out.

I also want to say that I think Zach is a really smart guy. He told me he is an idiot but I totally disagree. He is incredibly smart. Don't let him tell you different. Even when he tries to play dumb you can see right through it.

Best thing about Zach though? The way he looks out for his friends. The guy has never met me, and yet, if you read the comments he leaves in my blog, you can tell right away that he is a quality guy. A guy's guy, someone you can count on, a wingman who is gonna look out for you. Like I said, I have never met him before and yet I think I am one of the lucky few who get to call him a friend.

Thanks Zach, you rock in my books!

LiveSTRONG!

What Is It We Do?

2008-04-15T08:40:00.001-07:00

So I was up late last night and gettin myself in all kinds of trouble from my boy Caleb because a certain GM on the SIMhl kept me chatting...not that I minded...but he knew I was going to pay..."oh god" LOL

At any rate the question I got was, what do Caleb and I do now that we live together. Its a great question. Well, I think we do what most teenage boys do...get your head out of the gutter people...we listen to music, watch music video's, and play games on the PS3.

We both pretty much like the same kinds of music. He has a pretty open mind about my music selections cuz he understands I am still being fully exposed to all kinds of music. I don't always like what he listens to but I tolerate it 8)

We have a few things we really like to do though. We like to go to the Tim Hortons for a coffee. Its nice because we get out of the house, go somewhere open and we get to sit back, have a coffee and just talk about what is going on with each other and the world around us. We dont try to solve world hunger, even though I would love to, but we talk about what each other is thinking, feeling, going through. Remember, he is a recovering addict so part of my role is to help him with that just as part of his role is to help me cope with Chemo and Cancer.

The one thing we have recently started to have fun with is play fighting. Now, we take it somewhat easy cuz the Cochlear does not like abuse but I still like to rough around with him. Usually this starts with him whining that I am on the computer and it leads to him getting up off the couch in the next room and coming over and grabbing a hold of me well saying something like, "Come on butch, bring it". Oh yeah, he likes to call me butch. I dunno why, its his name for me. That usually leads to me getting up and off we go. Sometimes I pin him to the floor and sometimes he pins me. Sometimes I am just getting out of bed and he jumps me which is a little more challenging cuz then the game becomes about who can embarass the other person the most. I know that the sexual tension around that is huge but it never leads to anything...not yet anyway. I think this type of playing around is a fun way for us to get some physical contact without it getting out of hand. I gotta be honest, just cuz I am dealing with illness does not mean I am not your average red blooded teenager...I got my urges just like the next guy. I am convinced that this play fighting is what will lead us to something more in the future. I am sure a few people are squirming in their chairs right now. Try not to, you know you would do the same if you were me LOL.

I also spend a lot of time teaching Caleb ASL. We usually head into the front room or somewhere with space so that I can stand with him in front of me and then teach him things. We dont do this for hours on end cuz it gets to be much but I try to teach him in terms of classes of words. Things like greetings, responses to greetings, the alphabet, weather, and so on. He is a fast learner and although he blows some signs (he called my mother a cat the other day) he does pretty good.

When were not doing something like that, Caleb is joining the gym I go to this week and will be working out with me. Hes not in bad shape or anything but he is one of these guys who could put on some serious muscle if he worked at it. I am not sure I want him all that strong because he could start kicking my ass in our play fights but its cool.

Aside from all that, one of my favourite things to do is to sit on the couch and cuddle up with him. I like to lean in close and feel his heart beating. I like the gentle manner in which his chest rises and falls as he breathes. Its even better when he is on the couch without his shirt so I can feel the warmth of his chest against me. It does not matter what is on the television or on the DVD player, for me, its those moments where time seems to stand still. I love it when he puts his hand on my head and just softly runs his hand along the side of my face. I think its moments like that where I feel most loved.

So yeah, that is pretty much what we do. I know there will be more and I am beginning to think that the sexual aspect of our relationship is not far from becoming a reality. I am nervous about it because I have never been with anyone before but I am confident that I will be okay. I always knew that I could wait for the right person to come along. Everyday I feel more and more confident that he is the right guy. The question then becomes, am I the right guy for him.

LiveSTRONG!

Will You Take A Stand?

2008-04-14T09:04:00.000-07:00

These are the days where we send men and women overseas to fight a war against terror. We send them over to take life in an effort to preserve it.

These are the days where we sit on the couch and we complain about our situation well our television takes a stand on the issues instead of us.

These are the days where the internet allows us to all be connected and with that connection others prey on the children who live next door to you.

These are the days where the gap between those who have and those who have not is growing exponentially.

Will you take a stand?

These are the days where medical science is working harder than ever to come up with cures to our most devastating illnesses well military scientists work on new and more effective ways to mame and kill the enemy

These are the days where charity is something that we do because we feel guilted into it and not because we feel enlightened enough to do it.

These are the days where we teach our children to lock the doors and close the blinds because the parks we use to play in are inhabited by gangs and drug addicts.

These are the days where 1 in 4 of us will suffer either a heart attack, stroke or cancer in our lifetime.

Will you take a stand?

On May 13th, the Lance Armstrong Foundation is declaring a LiveSTRONG Day. In a time where men in green uniforms head to far away places to take life, I ask all of you to wear yellow and help us preserve it!

On May 13th, I ask that you take just a few minutes to find something in your wardrobe that is yellow and wear it as a show of support for me and all of those who are fighting this horrible disease. If you have the chance, spend the $1 it takes and pick up a Livestrong bracelet and wear it proudly knowing that you have just helped make a difference.

On May 13th, send a message to the world that the army of green overseas has nothing on the Yellow Army that walks the streets of the world fighting to save the lives of those who fight the fight against Cancer.

On May 13th, will you take a stand for Cancer? Will you take a stand for the Yellow Army? Will you take a stand for me?

LiveSTRONG!

A New Start

2008-04-13T15:24:00.000-07:00

Things really are different when you welcome someone new into your home. A lot of things change and sometimes they create some very funny moments.

This blog entry is not going to be a long one. I just wanted to share some of the comings and goings of our new house guest...Caleb.

When we shared time and space at the shelter it was different. You don't really get comfortable. You more or less exist and try not to get in anyone else's way. When you are in a house and you have all the comforts of a home you tend to be a little more relaxed. Routines that you are use to suddenly need to be changed to accommodate the new guy. When I get up in the morning I like to get up out of bed, head to the shower and get ready for breakfast. Thats fine and well when your on your own. I got up as usual, headed to the shower, showered and headed back to my...er...our room. So I am getting dressed and the door opens and in walks Caleb to get something. Now, fortunately I was only in a partial state of undress but it scared the bejesus out of me. We ended up laughing about it as we discussed the fact that we are going to have to get used to this arrangement and preserve modesty as much as is possible. What I did not tell him is that I tend to do my level best to catch him in a compromising situation so I can poke some fun at him LOL.

The breakfast routine also needs to be considered. My family prays before each meal as a family. Caleb is not a religious guy so there is some adjusting to be done there. He goes along with it but I know its all new to him.

Oh, did I also mention that he snores...oh man, I mean, he snores pretty loud. I never really noticed until I was in a confined space with him. Its funny though, and I laugh over it.

Another thing is the funny way he rolls his pairs of socks into balls...I dunno, I dont do that but its funny to watch him carefully roll each pair LOL...little things I guess.

I guess what I am saying is that things are different at home in a good way. We are getting used to being together in the house and its been a great opening weekend with him here. We still hug at night, we still cuddle up on the couch to watch tv...when my rents are not home...and we still feel connected like we did before he moved in.

I hope this is the beginning of something very special. It feels like it is, but I guess only time will tell.

LiveSTRONG!

Praying For Time

2008-04-12T07:02:00.000-07:00

Time is a precious commodity and it is one we can not buy or sell. We each have an oversized hourglass and the sands of time flow freely through until our sand is gone.

I keep thinking about time these days. Its funny how I think about these things when things are going really well. I almost wish that time could stand still so that I could do much much more.

Today I am making my way to the Salvation Army where I will help serve lunch and dinner to those who are far less fortunate than I am. Well I am doing that my boyfriend will move in with us. Some would say that I should be at home helping him move in and get settled. I was going to do that until I got an email from a friend of mine. Let me explain...

The title of the email was, Pray For Time. I thought that was funny, and so I kept reading on. It went on to talk about a program I missed on TV called, "Idol Gives Back". I usually watch American Idol but I missed this special episode and apparently there was this very moving song called "Praying For Time" that was sung on there and this friend of mine thought of me. The email went on to say that they were thinking of the stuff I have been doing around helping people and stuff like that and that they felt very touched by the song. In the email was a link to the a video with the original singer, George Michael. I clicked on the link and I wept.

The lyrics in this song touched me deeply and made me realize that there is still so much I need to do and still so much we all need to do. This song did things to me that no other song before it has done. I find myself so very attached to it that I could not stop playing it. Not only did it make me think about how we all need to pay it forward, it also made me think about my fight with Cancer...I am starting to get emotional as I type this, my eyes are getting moist and I am almost feeling as though I need a break from typing this but my fingers wont stop. The emotion in my blood is raging and I need to get this message out and I need you to read it and I need you to stay with me. God I need to do this so badly, I need to get the word out. I feel it in my soul...it has touched me deeply. Whether its Cancer, or giving to others or just paying it forward, I listen to this song and I feel so completely overwhelmed about how much more I need to do. I need to do my penance to pay back so that I might reap some favour from God to let me beat this. Maybe if I just do one more thing, help one more person, give up one more material thing. No matter what I do I cant stop praying for more time.

Please, if you can do just one thing for me, I ask you to do this; listen to this song, listen carefully to the message it sends and then go out and pay it forward to someone you don't know. Anyone, it does not matter who it is, but please go out for me and show someone who is much less fortunate than you that you care.

I have done something in my life that I am being asked to deal with all of this and as I cling to the material things I have been given in this life, I question what it is that I did and I question what it is that I need to do before I can feel as though my penance is paid. As George sings it, these are the days of the beggars and the choosers. I will not be a beggar, I will do my part and I will pay it forward in the hopes that God pays it forward to me. I want my life to have meaning, I want it to have been worth it, I want all my suffering, anger, fear, tears, pain, love, and hope to be for something. I want it to all have been worth it. I am rambling, my emotions are flying out of me as my fingers type madly to keep up with all the things that are pent up in my soul. I can only pray that God is still keeping score...please, I just don't want to die! I'm shaking, I'm scared, my heart is on my sleeve and I am opening up like I never have before and I am afraid it will freak everyone out as a part of my soul lets go and comes to the surface...can everyone handle it, can you handle me when I am like this? Can you still love me when I am like this? Can you help me pray for time?

All I can do is pray for time and hang on to hope when there is no hope to speak of.

LiveSTRONG!

Welcome Home Caleb

2008-04-11T08:51:00.001-07:00

It was a really big night last night. For the first time, I brought Caleb home with me. I met him at Tim's and we walked back to my house. The anticipation of meeting my parents was killing both of us. The nerves and the butterflies were at full force.

As we got closer the panic and anxiety continued to swell. I don't know why either of us were so panicked. We knew that this was my parents idea and yet at the same time, the nerves were still kicking up.

We got to the door and I opened it up to let him in. We came in together, hand in hand, and he kicked off his shoes and made his way with me to the Den where my parents were already waiting.

As we walked in both of my parents stood up. Without missing a beat, Caleb signed to them, "Good Evening, how are you doing". I was so proud of him. I have been teaching him basic greetings in ASL and he told me he intended to come in and sign to them as his first act of saying hello. The look on my parents faces were priceless. I don't think they figured he was going to do that.

Instead of signing back they said good evening to him and extended a hand to shake his hand. Formalities over with we all sat down and my mom offered to get coffee etc.

My dad studied Caleb as if he were some sort of living piece of art. I think he was expecting some feminine looking/acting guy. Caleb is not that at all. He is very masculine in his mannerisms and I think my dad liked that.

With mom having returned with coffee and some of her awesome lemon pound cake, the discussion began in earnest. The rules were again discussed and the requirements of the arrangement were confirmed with everyone. A few other things were added around public displays of affection. My parents asked that we not be overly affectionate in front of them, that is, they don't want any of that face sucking going on in front of them. They simply said that they don't do that in front of me and asked that I don't do it front of them (the thought of my parents doing that at all makes me nauseas LOL). They went on to say that if we wanted to have that level of intimacy, we have a room and they are often not home and we are welcome to be affectionate with each other in that way when they are not around. The again reminded us that sleeping together at night was not an option and that they would like to keep it that way.

All in all, I think it went really well. As of Friday we are going to start moving Caleb in and by the weekend he will be a fully functioning member of our household. I still can't believe it but its really happening and I am very excited about it.

A little while ago I wrote about how upset I was with my parents and how I felt they were being a little bit over the top. I was more than mad, I was really angry with them but now I realize that they just needed time to get their bearings. They love me and they want me happy and I know that is why they are allowing this to happen. I know that seeing Caleb will be a daily reminder of how they must feel they failed me and yet I don't think they failed me at all. I realize how much they love me to allow this to happen. I tried to tell them that but sometimes the words are hard to get out. As excited as I am, I am also nervous too. I have never been this close to someone, especially another guy and at the same time it just feels so very right.

I have the strength to do anything I want and I know that I can do anything I want in life if I set my mind to it. I can beat any challenge...I believe that now which is how I know I am going to beat my Cancer.

LiveSTRONG

I Am The Lucky One

2008-04-10T10:01:00.000-07:00

I have decided that Chemo really sucks. After having another round of it on Wednesday, and having another round of nausea and general fatigue the rest of the day I have decided that I am no longer friends with the Chemo people. There, I feel much better now that I have said that.

I got up this morning and I felt pretty good. I was hungry and that is always a good sign. I slept in a little and that really helped too. When I get up in the morning I don’t usually get dressed straight away, I prefer to put on my Toronto Maple Leafs flannel PJ pants and roam around the house. My parents think I am just trying to show off the condition I am in but really, it is just that I am too damn lazy to get dressed right away. I made my way down to the kitchen to get myself a cup of coffee and start the day. I opted for an instant coffee and grabbed a seat at the breakfast bar and picked up the newspaper. My dad is a fanatic about newspapers. We get the Star, Record, and the National Post. I usually opt for the Star for the sports section and the Record for the local news.

I sat there, looking out the window and just thinking. Its amazing when you have time on your hands, the things you can think of. I was thinking about the Chemo treatments I have been enduring and how much I want to beat this disease. I don’t want to die, its really that simple. I know that nobody wants to die, unless they have some kind of death wish. The thing is, there is still so much I want to do. I look at my bucket list and I think that I have managed to accomplish a lot but there is still so much more that I would like to do. I want to help people, that’s what I really want to do. I want to do more than I am doing right now. I want to be more helpful and I want to have more of an impact on the world I a living in. I just don’t know what to do next. I have hung out with homeless people, been to a youth shelter, I have spent time with other terminally ill kids and just done my best to put a smile on their faces, I have tried to teach some of the homeless kids I ran into some ASL, and now I don’t know what to do. I have a full time relationship with Caleb and that is amazing, and I don’t think I would have found him had I not gone on the adventure I went on and yet I still feel as though there is more I need to do. I just wish I knew what to do next.

I sat there drinking my coffee and thinking some more. Its amazing how your life changes when you find out that your dieing. I get kind of mad at myself sometimes because I never stepped back and thought about doing this stuff until I found out what was happening to me. I almost feel as though I was being incredibly selfish because I was not more helpful to other people before that. I was so absorbed in my own deaf world that I completely forgot those around me.

I think what I need to do next is go and work in a soup kitchen. I think I need to go and be on the front lines in an adult homeless shelter and serve food to those who are homeless. I think I need to immerse myself in that and help out the best I can. I think I need to spend some time sitting beside them, shoulder to shoulder, and actually listen to what they have to say instead of pretending that they don’t exist. Maybe that is what I need to do now. I am pretty handy in the kitchen so I think that would be a good fit for me. Hey, I think I just answered my own question about what I need to do next. That was easy, who knew that a blog where I can just type whatever pops into my head would help me figure this out. Cool!

As I take the last few sips of my coffee and admire my own reflection in the mirror, I am reminded of everything I have. I got up this morning from a warm bed, clean linens. I put on a clean pair of PJ pants, went downstairs and started up the kettle and just made myself a cup of coffee without having to beg for it. I glanced at a selection of newspapers that just sat there waiting for me. I sat at a kitchen bar with just about anything I wanted right at hand. I sat there in the warm glow of the sun coming through the window in nothing more than my flannel pants. The heat in the house keeping me comfortable. I did not have to climb out of a cot, with less than clean sheets in clothing that I have worn or god knows how many days. I did not need to get in line for a meager cup of coffee and a modest warm breakfast. I did not have to watch over my shoulder to see if there was anyone looking to take something from me. I did not have to make my way out into the cool morning to find the best corner to beg for money.

My name is Derry, I am 19, I have a home, a warm bed, a good family, a boyfriend who loves me, food, clothing, and all the comforts. My name is Derry, I am 19, I was deaf but have been given the gift of hearing, I have Cancer but have been given the gift of modern medicine.

My name is Derry, I am 19 and not expected to live past 21, and yet I believe I am the luckiest 19 year old on the face of the earth because I have Hope.

LiveSTRONG!

This Is All I Ever Wanted

2008-04-09T07:11:00.001-07:00

It has been a real roller coaster as of late and the other night was a real peak for me. I am so excited and that excitement was connected to meeting with Caleb to lay all this information on him and see what he thought. I wanted him to come and meet the Fokkers (rents) as soon as possible so that maybe, just maybe, he could be moved in on the weekend.

We had already agreed to meet at Tim Hortons for a coffee and go from there but he had no idea that I was about to rock his world in a big way.

He sat down across from me and I just began to tell him everything that happened and everything that was said. I don't think I took a breath the entire time. I just wanted to get it all out and see his reaction. I also was hoping against hope that he would go for it.

When I finally shut up and let him get a word in edge wise, he casually leaned forward, and said ok. I couldn't believe it, I really thought it would take more convincing but it didn't. He was actually ok with all the rules and stuff. He said he understood the rules and that he agreed that there needed to be some kind of house rules so that everyone knew where they stood. With that said, he said he would meet my parents on Thursday. I asked him why Thursday and he reminded me that it would not be good to do this on Wednesday as I would be having a chemo treatment and that I would be a little bag of shit all night and that would make for bad timing. I guess I agree and Thursday will work just fine. He said that if everything goes well that he should be able to move in by the weekend.

You really had to see his face. He could not believe that people who didn't even know him would be willing to do this for him. The rest of the night I was bombarded with questions around why the rents would want to do this for him and why did they care so much about him and stuff like that. He said he was very excited and grateful and all that stuff in between. I told him to make sure he tells my rents all of this because they are the ones who are allowing it to happen.

The one funny moment out of the night came around the not sleeping together rule which made both of us kind of laugh and just roll our eyes. Adults always seem to think that people are age have only one thing on our minds....well, it is on our minds but its not the biggest thing LOL.

We joked about how the sleeping arrangements were going to be just like the shelter and we both laughed about how the rules were quite similar about doing work, attending classes, stuff like that. I think in some respects that was the idea.

So there we have it. I can not believe it, this is all I ever wanted and now I have it. I know there are those who will continue to say that all good things must come to an end. I hope they are wrong. I know when this whole thing started...with that crazy kiss in the street, nobody really knew where it was going but here we are, still hangin in there and still makin it work. He has seen me at my worst, and lets face it, seeing me leaning over a toilet tossing my stomach after a vicious round of Chemo is about as bad as it gets and yet he didn't flinch. I love Caleb, more than life itself and I know he loves me. This next step of living in the same house will certainly tell me whether this is something that is meant to be. You can't hide your little quirks and flaws when you live together and for some reason, I think I am going to love him even more because of those funny quirks we all have. I am also going to really enjoy teaching him ASL. The thought of him signing and talking at the same time just gives me chills. To think he cares that much to learn ASL is amazing.

Anyway, I am rambling on with a flush of excitement over the future. I don't really know how long I am going to be here but what a ride its going to be. I know with big peaks often come big valleys but who knows, maybe the valleys wont happen...maybe it will just be one long amazing ride.

I am attaching a song from Last Year's Canadian Idol winner, Brian Melo. I can't say I listen to a lot of his music but this one song is a perfect fit for this entry and the whole roller coaster I have been riding. Take a moment to listen to it and I think you will agree that it just seems to fit. The song is called, "All I Ever Wanted"

LiveSTRONG

This Feels Like Home To Me

2008-04-08T06:57:00.000-07:00

I know everyone has been patiently waiting and wondering what the outcome was last night. I am going to give everyone the whole story so well all know what is going on.

My rents got home at their usual time and dinner was started. I came down to help thinking that maybe they were gonna talk to me and all I got from my Dad was, “Derry, we will see you at dinner, why don’t you just wait upstairs until we are ready for you”. Ready for me? The last time my Dad said that to me I ended up winning an all expense paid trip over his knee. Well, not wanting to make em mad, I headed upstairs and just messed around on the computer for a bit.

I could smell dinner in the air, and it smelled good. They were making my favourite, Lasagna. Why were they making my favourite dinner? This could not be good. I felt as though I was being buttered up so that they could drop kick me out of the house. I gotta say, I was feeling very uncomfortable over the whole thing. I felt like a convict on death row waiting for his last meal.

After some time I was called to dinner. I grabbed my seat and we said grace as we usually do. Mom began serving and again the horrible silence. Once we all had our plates and had a few bites, it began. My Dad started the conversation. They started by telling me that the last 2 weeks had been the hardest two weeks they have ever spent. They thought dealing with my Cancer was hard but that this was just something they were not prepared for. They felt they failed me as parents and that might have been the reason why I chose this lifestyle…..I stopped them there. This was not a choice…I don’t believe you choose to live like this. I am a firm believer in genetics and I believe that I was genetically programmed to be this way. Just like you don’t choose to get Cancer, you just get it and may never know why. My Dad, corrected himself in an effort to respect my opinion and he continued. He went on to say that they had spent the last two weeks trying to figure out what was best for me and for them. They want me to be happy; they don’t want whatever time we have left together as a family to be spent fighting or hating on each other. He went on to say that though he nor my Mom will ever understand my lifestyle, they wont ridicule or cut me out over it either. He went on to say that it was my life and that whatever made me feel good on the inside was fine with them.

Dad stopped and Mom continued…it felt like I was caught in a movie…Mom went on to say that this love I have for Caleb may not seem natural to her it was also not natural for her to not love her Son or respect the adult choices he makes. She did not want to see me leave over something like that. She went on to say that her and Dad had talked at length and they want to meet Caleb…and soon. I stopped them and asked what the deal was with my room. They looked at each other as if they were unsure as to who was going to answer that…as if I had somehow jumped the script and now they had lost their page.

Dad decided to take the lead and said that he did not want me sneaking around with Caleb. He did not want me in shelters, or other less desirable places. He also did not want Caleb, whom he said was clearly going to be a part of this family for the next however long, to be running around with their son in a veil of secrecy. The room was changed to accommodate Caleb. I could not believe what I was hearing. My parents were inviting my boyfriend to live with us…I was speechless. Dad went on to say that there were going to be ground rules for both Caleb and I to follow.

Mom began to explain and here is what I was told:

Rules:

1) Caleb must continue to attend his addiction course
2) Caleb must learn ASL
3) Caleb and Derry will both have a 1 AM curfew to be observed
4) Two beds means no sleeping together
5) Caleb must find meaningful part time employment within one month of arriving here and must contribute to the household by doing chores
6) Caleb will also begin a High School Equivalency program once he graduates from his Addiction program

I could not believe it. I just couldn’t. Mom said that these rules were not mean to be overbearing or bossy. They were meant to protect me, the integrity of our household and help Caleb do something positive. I was also told that this arrangement would be terminated if any of the rules were broken. There would also be a 3 month probationary period in which we would be expected to demonstrate to them that we could handle this arrangement with maturity.

Dad chimed in and said that he and Mom wanted to meet Caleb no later than Friday and that he could then move in at his discretion assuming he is comfortable with the rules and the arrangement.

Once it was all said and done I couldn’t think of what to say so all I said was thank you. I didn’t know what else I could or should say at the moment. I got up and hugged them both very tight and told them how much I loved them and how hard it had been to leave them like that. How much it hurt to know that I was hurting them and that I really missed them. When my Dad wrapped his arms around me I began to sob like a little kid. I was just so relieved and happy at the same time that it was like a gate broke and my emotions just ran wild.

I asked to be excused from dinner and made my way to my room. I needed to absorb all of this and figure out how to tell all this to Caleb. That is what I am going to do next. Meet Caleb and tell him what is going on. I hope he agrees to all this. I really want him with me and I hope he goes along with it. I know the choice is his but hot food, hot shower, and a real home are all his if he can just go along with the rules. I can’t wait to tell him.

LiveSTRONG!

Homecoming

2008-04-07T11:10:00.000-07:00

I got home this morning from another week at Chateau Shelter. As I said I was going to do, I took off for a week to allow my rents and myself to get some perspective on what is going on in my life. Over the last week I have not really posted on the comings and goings at the shelter. This was intentional. I think I needed time to get my head clear and since I needed that time, I thought it best to not post so that I could make sure that I knew what I wanted to say before I went to say it. What I am going to do is just kind of gloss over the last week a little. The focus for me now is on the conversation that is coming this evening with my rents. I call it a conversation but given that I am the kid in the house, I am sure it will be more along the lines of a lecture. I want it to have some back and forth to it though and I do intend to stand my ground and fight back a little. As you know, I am not good at verbal confrontation and so I usually lose but I am going to give it my best tonight. I will save the big shocking incident for the end of the post.

The last week away from home was good. I got that perspective I needed and cleared my head. I got to vent my frustration to some friends and more importantly to Caleb who helped me see things from a different viewpoint. I did a round of Chemo which also although very draining, is giving me a sense of hope which has been missing for some time. I am cautiously optimistic on this one.

I spent most of the week with Caleb, getting close to him and spending that quality time that I so enjoy spending with him. We got to continue our ritual of the nightly hug which has been a good thing for me. We are getting more and more comfortable with each other in that we usually end up cuddling on a couch, holding hands walking somewhere down the street, even exchanging a kiss here and there. There is something magical about holding him that gives me a sense of peace and comfort that I have not found anywhere else. Its comforting to know he is there especially as I find myself navigating some of the biggest challenges of my life. I wont go into the gory details of things but for those of you who are wondering, NO, I have not given up my virginity to him yet LOL.

During the last week I have also decided that I am going to fight as hard as I can to beat my Cancer. I am going to do the Chemo, the drugs, the whatever they tell me to do so that I have a shot at this. I got a really cool note from a good friend who told me he did not want me to go. He is one of a great many people who have been saying things like that and it is giving me the desire to fight this tooth and nail the best that I can. With that being said, I am going to keep it up and even though Chemo sucks, being dead sucks a whole lot more.

So what is the big shocker I mentioned earlier. Well here you go. I got home this morning after everyone had left for work. I went up to my room to find everything had changed. My bed, desk, and dresser were moved to one side of the room. On the other side was another bed, desk, and a mini closet thing that holds clothes. I have no idea what the hell is going on but clearly, the intention is that I am not in this room alone anymore. In fact, I am not even sure I am in this room period! I am not sure if my rents are booting me and renting the room out or what is going on. All I know is that I am horribly confused and I cant find anything out until tonight. I will be sure to let you all know if I am changing addresses but for now, all I can do is wait and see what happens next.

LiveSTRONG!

Rap It Up

2008-04-06T17:29:00.001-07:00

I thought I would try something different this time and do a blog with an entry that included a special guest blogger. I am really excited to say that Zach from the SIMhl has agreed to be a part of this most recent entry.

I called on Zach because he has extensive knowledge of a brand of music I am just beginning to understand. Zach on the other hand appears to be an authority on the subject and I thought it would be fun to bring him on board to collaborate on this entry.

For those of you who have no idea what I am talking about, I am talking about Rap. A brand of music where sounds produced by instruments and the mouth are meshed with words in a poetic format that has words rhyming in sync with sounds well at the same time, telling a story. For me it was a lot to wrap my head around...until Zach gave me an education. Without further delay, here is what Zach taught me in his own words.

Freestyle Rapping is where you come up with a rap on the spot with no prepared lyrics. The 3 best freestyle rappers are Lil' Flip, Proof, and Snoop Dogg. If you watch 8 Mile, all the battles are freestyle rapping.

Gangsta Rapping was created by N.W.A. and Ice-T. Gangsta rap comprises of beatboxing, vocals, and a drum machine. The main cities involved are L.A., New York, and Oakland.

Southern Rapping became a form of rap once 2Pac and Biggie died. This type of rap uses much more than gangsta rap. Southern rap uses turntables in their music. The main cities involved are Atlanta, Memphis, Houston, and Miami. Some others cities involved are New Orleans and Dallas.

However, the question for me then became, who would make the best selection of Rappers to listen to from each category or city. Zach did not fail me, he gave me this list to work with and if your looking to get a better understanding of each style of Rap this list may be helpful to you.

New York:
Notorious B.I.G. (Biggie)
Jay-Z
Diddy
Nas
50 Cent
Busta Rhymes

Detroit:
Eminem
D12 (Proof, Bizarre, Swift, Kuniva, Kon Artis, Eminem)
Obie Trice
Fat Killaz
Trick-Trick

Atlanta:
Ludacris
T.I.
Young Jeezy
Lil' Jon
Outkast (Big Boi, Andre 3000)
Yung Joc

Houston:
Chamillionaire
Lil' Flip
Paul Wall
Mike Jones
U.G.K (Pimp C, Bun B)

Memphis:
Three 6 Mafia (Juicy J, DJ Paul)
Lil' Wyte
Chrome

New Orleans:
Birdman
Lil' Wayne

Miami:
Rick Ross
Pitbull
DJ Khaled

Los Angeles:
2Pac
Snoop Dogg
Dr. Dre
Xzibit
Kurupt
Nate Dogg
N.W.A.
Warren G
Ice Cube
Ice-T
The Game
B-Real

(I know, there are a lot from L.A.)

finally,
Oakland:
Too $hort
E-40

I have had a chance to listen to a sample of these artists but I have to say, on the advice of my good buddy, I listened to a group called, "Cool Kids" and I like them a lot.

I know there a lot of groups and artists out there. I am hoping to experience as many of them as I can as I am hoping to experience as many different styles of music as I can.

Without the help of people like Zach, I would miss out on stuff like this. The way these artists weave words, sounds, and a storyline in one short song is amazing. I was impressed.

Sooooo, do you think you know an artist or type of music I should listen to? Lemme know, I am all ears (no pun intended)

Tomorrow I make my return home for the first time in a week, I will be devoting tomorrows entry to that subject...lets just hope its not heavy weather.

Special thanks to Zach for taking the time out to educate all of us on this style of music...I hope everyone got as much out of it as I did.

LiveSTRONG!

Leading With My Heart

2008-04-05T13:24:00.000-07:00

People ask me what kind of person I am. I struggle with that at times. Just like I always struggled with the question, "Tell me about yourself". As much as I am an open person I always find it hard to talk about myself verbally. Even when I was doing it with ASL, I always struggled with it. I have always been much better at writing about myself.

Maybe that is why I find it so easy to write this blog and be so very open. So to tell you some more. I am a very sensitive person, always have been. I find I usually pick up on peoples emotions pretty easy too. I really do put up a big tough guy facade but when you peel it all back you will find that I am probably very insecure and not at all the tough guy my exterior shows me to be. I think I hide behind my build a lot. I work out a lot and keep myself in shape because it helps cover up my shortcomings with my insecurities. It would probably not take too much to beat me up in a verbal confrontation, and I say that because I really hate confrontation. I am not much of a fighter. I can hold my own physically but verbally, I am probably pretty weak. I also tend to be a little self-destructive. I have a wicked tendency to be very hard on myself and that really just compounds things to the point where I keep beating on myself in my mind and then it starts a vicious cycle.

I think this is why I am struggling so badly with what my rents are doing to me. I am a social person by nature...if you really want to hurt me, stop talking to me and thats what they have done. I was listening to the radio and this song by a guy named Bruce Guthro came on...it was almost fate I think as I went and looked up the lyrics I could not help but feel it was written for me though I know it wasn't.

I am going to post them here in a sec so you can see what I mean. I am two days away from Monday and a return home to see if things have changed and yet like the song says, I am falling into a world I cant describe.

I hope things work out when I get home because if they don't I am going to have to leave and that will be the single hardest thing I have ever done.

So to get back to what I wanted to share here, here are the lyrics, I can't help but feel they are fitting as I get ready to face my parents again

Bruce Guthro -- Falling

I will be in town tomorrow, would you meet me at the station
there's something I would like to talk to you about
it's just this thing that has been on my mind forever
and I was hoping we could find a way to work it out

By the way, this is Martin, just in case you have forgotten
what I sound like, ya it's been a long, long time
they say that absence helps the heart grow fonder
Ya well anyway, I'd like to see you, if you don't mind

Look I'm sorry if I hurt you, and I'm sorry that I left,
and as of late seems I'm sorry all the time....
Wishing wells and shooting stars have been my friends
and I have come to realize that all the fault is mine.

And I am falling, into a world that I can't describe
And I am calling, 'cause I'd like to say goodbye

Hey I will be in town tomorrow, could you meet me at the station
if it's just to see your face as the train pulls through
I just wanna see you laugh or cry or shake your head at me
I just wanna see what twenty years has done to you
See I have nothing left to loose, no time left to choose,
if I should let this deadly silence carry on,
twenty years or twenty days is far too long,
for two people who once held each other in their arms,

And I am falling, into a world that i can't describe
and I am calling, 'cause I'd like to say goodbye

Will you take me by the hand say you'll understand
or would you wanna drive me down on to my knees
these are the chances I must take, and I know i must not forsake
your right to do and feel just what you please

But I don't have alot of time, to write the wrongs I left behind
to undo all the damage I have done
So I'm calling you to ask for your forgiveness.
Is that so much to ask ............ of your son?

Ya,I will be in town tomorrow, could you meet me at the station
there's something I would like to talk to you about....

LiveSTRONG!

Welcome To My Soul

2008-04-04T10:00:00.000-07:00

I got out of bed this morning and I took my usual walk to the men’s room to get ready for the morning and the rest of the day. It’s a routine I have been following both weeks I have been here. I stopped in front of the mirror as I usually do and just stared at the reflection. I have spent a lot of time reading people through their eyes but I don’t think I have ever spent that time reading my own. I thought what I would do today is just take a step back and open up a little more about me, who I am, and how I got to where I am. I don’t like to be guarded about my background, I enjoy being open and honest, even when that honesty comes at my own expense.

All my life I think I have been a bit of an oddball. When you’re deaf, you’re immediately not like the other kids. I think as a result of that you quickly learn to become protective of yourself. I have learned that you will always have friends in life if you love yourself first. Growing up as a kid, as I have posted before, I was treated no differently than any other kid. I think it amazes people when they realize that my parents were no different with me than they would have been with a hearing able kid. I guess the big thing is that I never got to hear my parents yell at me because obviously, they couldn’t do that. However, when you see someone signing some very strong things at you in a very aggressive manner, it is just like being yelled at. ASL is all about visual reading. A lot can be expressed by the facial expressions of the person doing the signing. From those expressions you usually get a great idea around the tone of their conversation. That being said, I was a pretty good kid. I didn’t get into much trouble. I tried really hard to please my parents and not be a bother to them. As you know, I got my share of trouble and as a result, I also got my share of time over a knee. People have asked me if I lost respect for my parent’s cuz they chose to physically discipline. I have always said no to that. I never felt they were bad people for that just as I don’t think they are bad people for what is happening now. They did what they thought was best for me. Now, I sure as hell didn’t like it when it was happening, but I also tried to take it like a champ cuz deep down I knew I was wrong. I was not abused mind you, I mean, they never hit me to the point that I was needing medical attention. There were always limits to how far they would go. The thing I hated more than the actual spanking itself was having to stand in a corner after for a timeout. I don’t know about you, but I don’t think any kid thinks about what they did when they stand there…if there anything like me, they were thinking about how quickly they could get back to having fun again. I know your probably laughing at me thinking about me standing in some corner with ass on fire LOL. I can’t blame you, in hindsight it seems rather funny to me too.

As I got older, my parents started to treat me with a little more respect. My relationships with my friends also evolved. I was probably in my tween years 10-12 when things started getting different with my friends. I think it was that awkward period where you no longer think girls are bad for your health. C’mon boys, you know what I am talking about here. I was different though. I preferred to hang out with the older kids. I never have been too good at associating with people my own age. I don’t know why that is, it just is. I managed though. That’s not to say that I didn’t hang out with the kids my age, I did, and it was fun but I always seemed to like the older crowd more.

As I got into my early teen years all hell broke loose on me. Puberty was not kind to me in the slightest. I got all un-coordinated, I became a total train wreck of a klutz, and it was all I could do to maintain any sort of dignity LOL. At the same time though, I discovered I had some really cool talents. I discovered that I could write, and write well. I write poetry more than anything else. I got good at it and then started writing short stories. I discovered that what my body lacked in hearing, it made up for in creativity. I began to use writing as a creative outlet for all my early teenage awkwardness. It was exactly what I needed at just the right time. I have never really publicly shared much of my writing but I probably will in this blog at some point in time.

I have also always been one who is slow to anger and quick to forgive. I think I get that from my Dad though right about now he is not really showing me that quality like he could be. I try to live my life to the fullest and make other people laugh and smile. I like knowing that I have somehow done something for someone and made a difference. I know how corny that must sound but that’s me. I said I was odd. Is it really odd to enjoy doing things like that for other people…to want to give someone something they may not have. I don’t mean it has to be material, sometimes it’s just a case of being willing to listen. I have always been ridiculed a little for being that way. Some people also think I am naive for being this way. Maybe I am. Some people think I am crazy for being so open about who I am and what makes me tick but I kind of like being open. There are no skeletons in my closet so why not be open. I guess some people will disagree but hey, I have nothing to hide and when I die, I want everyone to know the real me all my working and broken parts, all my ups, downs, and everything in between.

Its funny, I am 19 now and although my early teen years were only a few years ago I feel as though I have matured a lot since then. I think having the implant done and living with the social implications of that decision and then being diagnosed with brain cancer has made me grow up fast. Its funny, my mind feels like its years ahead of itself and yet my body is very much that of a child’s…if you don’t believe me, count the three…yes three…hairs on my chest HAHA! I still, as I have said before, do stupid teenage boy things that I should probably know better but I just can’t help myself.

Now I find myself in my first serious relationship. One I feel very strongly about and once again I find myself having to use maturity beyond my years. I find myself being shunned by some in the deaf community for going CI, I am being shunned by my parents for being Bisexual, and I am battling a Cancer that will likely take my life long before I get to live it fully. You know what though…I wouldn’t have it any other way. I firmly believe that all of this is happening to me because I am meant to do something special with this life. I am not entirely sure what it is yet, but I believe that writing about my experiences and who I am in this blog was one of those things I was meant to do. I am not sad, or mad, or anything. I am at peace, I have said that all along and I have peace in knowing that I am meant for bigger things. I believe that wholeheartedly, I have to.

Caleb walks into the bathroom as I close my eyes and block out the view to my soul. I feel his warm hands wrapped around my bare chest and I feel good inside. He whispers in my ear that breakfast is waiting and I tell him I will be coming soon.
This post is getting long but I wanted to give you a peek inside my soul. It’s not much, but I hope you walk away from this post with a better understanding of who I really am and what I believe I am meant to do. I will do more of these posts if you like them…if you find them interesting. I don’t want to come across as self indulgent. I just want you to know me and if you do, let me know so I know to post one of these now and then.

LiveSTRONG!

A Day In The Life Of A Chemo Patient

2008-04-03T09:40:00.001-07:00

9:00 AM – Ariived at the Cancer Clinic, check in with reception and fill out the necessary forms to have them shoot me up with drugs.

10:00 AM – I make my way to the treatment room. A very nice nurse tells me all about the procedure as she begins to prep my IV for me. She is quick about it and before too long, she has the needle in me and the bags are hung up on the IV pole for me. She tells me this will take about 2 hrs to 2.5 hrs to complete. I know the drill and tell her as much with a polite smile.

11:00 AM – I am half way through. So far so good. Sometimes you can feel a little sick halfway through the treatment which makes things a little more complicated. Aside from a slight stinging sensation at the point of injection, I am fine. More bored than anything else as I flip through a magazine. I wonder to myself what my rents are up to and how Caleb is doing.

12:10 PM – The nice nurse returns and unhooks me. My treatment is complete and I am free to sit and wait until they can find me a room for the night. I have opted to stay on the advice of my Oncologist who is apparently using a different Chemo cocktail for me this time. He wants to make sure I don’t have any outrageous side effects. Knowing the drill, I opt to drink small amounts of water and skip a heavy lunch in favour of some soup, crackers, and jello. My hope is that it tastes just as good coming back up as it did going down. I have learned that eating heavy well doing a treatment is a recipe for projectile vomiting. One learns quickly to drink water as much as one can and skip the apple pie for dessert.

3:20 PM – I am assigned to a room with another patient. He is nowhere near my age and he is asleep. This means two things, I am going to be bored out of my skull and wont have anyone to talk to for the most part. I am thankful for the television even though daytime TV is not nearly as good as primetime. I glance at my watch and secretly wonder if Fatcat laid the smack down on Scooter in game 7 in or if it was the other way around. The results will impact a deal I have on the table in terms of whether or not I have a trade offer waiting for me or not.

5:00 PM – Its dinner time. They come around with the food trays. I am not feeling lucky so I go with the soup, crackers and Jello again. They give me the green jello and I immediately send it back asking for red. The thought of eating anything green makes my already nauseas stomach churn a little harder. The broth and crackers are nice, I again pray they stay put and tune into the 5PM news.

5:15 PM – a knock at the door makes me look up. Standing there, with a big smile is Caleb. I am completely shocked. I told him I was going in but never suspected he would bother to come. I click off the news and he grabs a seat on the side of my bed. I am overwhelmed…he really cares and suddenly, I am feeling a lot better…emotional, but better.

7:10 PM – Caleb is still with me but unfortunately my dinner is not. The nausea has started and much to my surprise, Caleb sticks with me the whole way, rubbing my back and reassuring me that I am going to be just fine. I am stunned…he could easily bail or have no part of this and yet he chooses to stand by me. When I make my return to the bed he tells me he plans on standing beside me the whole way because he knows he was the one who begged me to go back through this. I am happy, I think I may have truly found the one. It takes a special breed of person to be able to sit in a room with someone else when they are puking their brains out.

8:30 PM, 10:04 PM, 11:28 PM – More trips to the bathroom where dinner and I get reacquainted with each other. At this point however its more dry heaves than anything else. Caleb, tired but with me, continues to keep a watch over me. The nursing staff tell him he needs to leave to which he tells them that he is not going anywhere unless they want to remove him. I ask them to let him stay and they reluctantly allow it.

7:00 AM – I have no idea what time I fell asleep but I wake up to find Caleb half in and half out of a chair. He looks so cute sleeping in that chair and I feel bad for waking him up. He stretches, lifts himself up and gives me that big smile.

8:00 AM – breakfast arrives, I eat the eggs and the dry toast, drink the orange juice but skip the coffee. The Oncologist releases me after we book a return date for next week.

I have survived round 1 of my new Chemo regiment and I am making my way back to the shelter. Caleb is on his way to his class for recovering addicts. I will spend the most of today trying to recuperate and helping in the kitchen as much as I can. I still feel like a little bag of shit but I have been there and done that before so its nothing new.

Next week will be much of the same and this will continue for several weeks, maybe even months. In the end though, I have Caleb, I have hope, and I have my Blog. I am reminded of something I was once told, “We make a living by what we get, but we make a life by what we give”

LiveSTRONG!

Falling On Deaf Ears

2008-04-01T06:38:00.000-07:00

It seems as though this Cold Case episode has made a lot of waves in the deaf community. I have read a lot of blogs around the episode. Some good and some very critical. I just want to weigh in a little on the issue since I blogged on it a little last entry.

I want to be clear; I don’t think that the episode was meant to draw a line in the sand around the deaf and hearing communities. I think the two can co-exist. In fact, I know they can, and I am living proof of that fact. The fact that this whole episode has caused such a stir in the community tells me that maybe it touched a nerve. All those who are saying that it creates a civil war atmosphere between the CI’s (Cochlear Implants) and the Deaf are maybe being a little defensive because deep down they know it’s true. From personal experience, I can tell you as I did before that it changed things for me. My non-CI friends did not want to read my lips and instead insisted that I sign to them. I don’t think they felt that I was a bad guy, I think they just felt that they needed to wrap themselves in the security blanket that is the deaf community and all the traditionalist ideas that come with being in that world. Remember, being deaf is a disability and for many of us, that means we tend to be very protective not only of ourselves, but also those in our community. When a perceived attack like the one from Hollywood a la Cold Case happens, the wagons get circled and the defenses come out.

I am not saying its right or wrong, I am just saying that it happens and the deaf community knows it does. We also know that we tend to protect our own and dare I say it, we also tend to shun the hearing community and maybe even go so far as to act like bigots towards them. Maybe we curse them for being able to hear. I don’t know for sure. What I do know is that attacking this episode of Cold Case only further perpetuates the invisible line in the sand between the deaf, CI’s, and the hearing world. By attacking this show for actually doing something that most television programs haven’t (focusing on the deaf community and actually using sign language in the show) we only serve to further segregate ourselves and further classify ourselves as self-absorbed outcasts. In my humble opinion, we should welcome this sort of exposure. How many people suddenly decided that maybe taking a course in ASL would be a good thing as a result of seeing the beauty and expressiveness of ASL? Is that not a good thing? Sure it is, and we all know it. I can tell you, since that show was on; at least a dozen people in the shelter have asked me to teach them some basic ASL. Would they have done that had they not seen it on TV? I think not.

All I am saying is, let’s not be so quick to condemn this show. It may anger you that it was not done to your liking or satisfaction, but please; let’s not shun what little exposure our disability gets in the mainstream hearing world. If we do that, our next message to the hearing world may very well fall on deaf ears.

LiveSTRONG

P.S. I am heading to the doctors today and will likely be starting Chemo tomorrow so I may not post again until Thursday. Wish me luck.

The Choices We Make

2008-03-31T06:48:00.000-07:00

Last night well I was sitting in the rec room at the shelter, a program called “Cold Case” was on. This episode was about an unsolved murder of a deaf teenager. It goes without saying that I was extremely interested. What made it so interesting is that huge portions of the show were done in ASL (American Sign Language). For the first time in a long time, I felt like I was in the majority. As I sat there with Caleb, who was reading the sub-titles as the characters signed, I had to laugh. Here I was, able to watch the show without breaking away from the characters well everyone else in the room had to read the subtitles. It was funny cuz during the commercials I would get asked if what they were putting in the sub-titles was true. Of course it was, and I told them that. I felt so very comfortable but I also felt some of the issues that were in the show.

The deaf teen was killed by his best friend because he got a cochlear implant. The same implant that I have. His best friend felt that the other kid was betraying the deaf community and him by becoming hearing abled. As a result, he became extremely jealous and angry because their relationship had changed, and in the end, he killed him for it.

I can sympathize with both sides of this story. When you live a life where you are deaf, you join a society that is really all to itself. I never shunned hearing abled people but I also did not associate with them outside of my family for the most part. I usually stayed within the deaf community. Once I got the implant, some of my relationships with my closest friends changed. When you are deaf you tend to be able to read lips. When I got my ability to hear and speak, some of my best friends who are still deaf, would not read my lips. They would look away or make faces and then give me shit in ASL telling me that I should communicate with them in ASL. It’s hard to sit on both sides of the fence and not really be able to know exactly where your loyalties are. By getting the implant I had kind of sold out to the hearing world for a chance at a better life. If I stayed deaf, I would have been closer to the community and remained a part of that society. It’s a tough decision. It’s really no different than what I a going through right now with my parents. Being bisexual means that I have sold out on the straight community in their eyes. I have gone a road that they don’t find acceptable. When I stopped doing Chemo, I sold out on the medical profession as someone who was giving up. It seems that my whole life I have been faced with decisions that force me to pick sides. It’s not fun for me in the slightest.

There are days when I wish I never got the implant because with hearing comes the fact that you actually hear things you sometimes wish you couldn’t. I use to use my imagination around a lot things, especially around what certain things sounded like. My mind became a force to be reckoned with as I visualized what the sounds were. That’s right, visualized it. Now instead, I hear anger, despair, sadness, and shame. On the flip side I hear happiness, joy, excitement and pride. I guess it was a lot easier when I just read peoples expressions and looked into their eyes. I still do it mind you, looking into peoples eyes and reading them. With the eyes, you can’t lie; they tell the story just like the back cover of a book gives you the storyline.

I guess today’s post was really all about choices and the difficult ones we all have to make. Some have harder ones to make then others but I don’t think they are any less challenging. My decision to leave for another week, my decision to pursue my new lifestyle, my decision to go back to doing chemo and my decision to be hearing enabled. Life is full of choices and you often times never know if you have made the right one until it’s too late.

LiveSTRONG

Dear Mom & Dad

2008-03-30T09:22:00.000-07:00

Dear Mom & Dad

By the time you get home and read this, I will already be long gone.

The last week has been extremely painful for everyone and I am sure it has been most painful for you. I am sure you consider me to be a total disappointment. You wanted a healthy happy Son and instead you got a once deaf cancer ridden bisexual boy. I cant imagine how disappointed you must be.

You also can not begin to understand how hard it is to be me. I want to make you happy, and I want to make you proud but it seems I can not do that. I am so very sorry for that. All I ever wanted was to be happy and have your full support and love.

I know that you need to punish me and I know that means not speaking to me. I accept that, I know I had it coming when I lied to you about where I was and then dropped the bigger bomb on you all at one time.

Since that week I have felt like a total stranger in my own home. From not being welcome at the dinner or breakfast table to being out and out told that I am not welcome at Aunt Sarah's. I have never felt so alone in my own home. If your intention was to make me feel this way, then you have succeeded. I know you are struggling to accept me for who I am and to accept the role Caleb now plays in my life. I am so very sorry for forcing that on you.

I have decided that the best thing for everyone is for me to leave. I have made arrangements to be away for a week to start. I will not be accepting email, text msgs, or phone calls from you during this time. You have spent the last week shutting me out and I am afraid, I need to do the same to you for a while. After the week I will come back and we can try again. If that does not work, I will be making arrangements to leave permanently. You will not be bothered with my existence again.

As I am 19, you will not be able to access my medical information either and so asking the doctor or a hospital about me will not be of any help to you as I will be advising them to treat my situation confidentially which includes shutting you out for the time being.

I am so very sorry it has come to this but I see no other way right now. For the last week I have tried to make nice and be patient but it has gotten me nowhere. Now it is time for me to do something about it.

You can not possibly imagine how hard it has been to go from having such wonderful holiday events together, to this. I wish it could have been different, but it can't be.

To be fair, I have left you my house key. I don't feel that I am entitled to it right now seeing as I don't really feel welcome here.

I wish this could be different, and maybe someday it can be. For now, I need to go. I hope you understand. This is killing me, you have no idea. I wanted whatever time I have left to be happy and to have been filled with wonderful memories of each other. Maybe some day that will be the case...someday.

Love,

Your Son...Derry

Life Is Like A Box Of Chocolates!

2008-03-29T11:11:00.000-07:00

I made the decision to go back to doing chemo. Its a big decision folks. If you have never been through it you have no idea and if you have, you will understand why this is such a big deal.

Chemo is a way of killing everything in your system. The problem is that it kills both the good and the bad. As a result, you become prone to getting sick, you get tired, the brutal nausea that leads to massive vomiting, then you start to lose your hair and you lose body fat and muscle tone, you look pale and sickly and you just generally feel like crap and don't want to go out.

The hope is that by going through all that you will also kill all the evil cancer in your system and then begin to recover and go into remisison. That is the ideal situation anyway. The problem is that the ideal does not always happen.

I have made the decision that for the first day of the Chemo I am going to check into the hospital for the night. I want to be somewhere where I can be watched and where I can be all shitty without imposing on anyone else. The next morning I will up and leave and make my way to wherever I am going. Assuming my rents talk to me, it will be home, if they are not talking to me, it will be to the shelter.

I am supposed to be seeing my doc on Tuesday which means I could be doing a round of chemo as early as Wednesday. I can not stress enough how brutal it is to endure, I really wish I didn't have to but Caleb insists that I need to fight the good fight and keep on trucking. I know that many of you feel the same way and have told me as much even though I know you also supported my decision to stop.

I really feel conflicted, in some respects I want to keep on fighting even if it means my quality of life is crap and on the other hand, I don't want to waste what I have of this life being sick and miserable. Caleb argues that by fighting on I likely have more of that life to live and by not fighting I am giving in and cutting my chances way short.

Sometimes life really feels like a high stakes poker game. Do I play the cards I have and pray that the flop, turn, and river cards work in my favour? or do I fold, cut my losses and see what the next hand brings. Tough decision and there is no Daniel N, Chris Moneymaker, or any of those Poker greats to read my hand for me.

As always, I am all ears with you readers. What do you think? I know what Caleb thinks, I know what some of my friends think. Am I making a mistake? Do I go ALL IN? or do I fold?

Forrest Gump got it right, Life IS like a box of chocolates, you never know what your going to get...I just hope I don't get the nut.

LiveSTRONG!

Lights, Camera, Action!

2008-03-28T17:19:00.000-07:00

I thought the best thing to do was take a break from all the mayhem and write on a topic that is different and perhaps a little more fun. That is not to say that I wont be back to talk about other things, but for now, I want to talk about the awesome question Al left me with.

As you all know, my favourite movie is, “A Few Good Men”. The dialogue is amazing and the court room scenes are electrifying. What I did not know was just how great they were until I HEARD it. It is one thing to enjoy a movie when you see the subtitles. You get to read the emotions of the actors on their faces, and you get to read along with what they are saying. Unfortunately you miss out on the actual sounds. That’s where it all changes.

When I re-watched that movie having been able to hear, I was amazed. In the opening scene you see a very dressy group of Marines doing rifle drills which are clearly meant for show. I enjoyed the visual the first time, but the second time was special. To hear the clicking of the rifles, the pat-a-pat of the gloved hands snapping into position, the slick clicking and rocking sounds of the rifles being dropped and flipped around. Lastly, the sounds of the crackling of the highly shined boots as they take each step. You can actually hear the leather straining against the foot of the Marine as he goes to take a step. Amazing!

The best was however saved for last. The cocky Daniel Caffee and the abrasive Colonel Jessop going at it in the court room made my skin crawl. When Jessop (Nicholson) breaks into his big speech, his annunciation, the spittle on the edge of his lip, and the masterful way in which he plucks the words out of the air and snaps them back at you reeks of a master wordsmith working his craft like an artisan. We then get the sly Caffee using his lawyer tricks, his oral slight of hand, the polar opposite of Jessop. Jessop is loud, abrasive and overpowering, Caffee is slick, quiet, and unassuming…at least until he demands, “I WANT THE TRUTH”. What a climax to a well crafted scene. You can feel the energy and the on screen chemistry. I think it is perhaps one of the most memorable scenes ever.

The other thing you pick up on is the sounds in the movie. The music, the background sounds etc. All of which seem to be meant to set the mood. From the eerie electric piano to the full drum and brass music at the beginning. It all serves to re-inforce what you are seeing on the big screen. I think a lot of credit needs to be given to the guys who write the music for this stuff cuz its amazing, plain and simple.

It amazing how much you really miss in a movie when you don't hear the music, the sounds, the tone of the voices. If you want to know what it was like to be in my world, turn the volume off, turn on the sub-titles and watch a movie. Then watch it with the sound and tell me you don't get a ton more out of it with the sounds.

All I know is that movies and television in general just have not been the same since I started listening to them, as opposed to just watching. The one thing I will say though is that you don't get to use your imagination nearly as much. Simply, when you cant hear something, you just imagine in your mind, all the things you can't hear. In that sense, watching a movie or a television program was not passive in the slightest.

Thats all for tonight folks...hope you enjoyed this one.

LiveSTRONG!

This, That, And The Other Thing

2008-03-27T22:15:00.001-07:00

I had an entry all typed out and ready to be posted and then I changed my mind. I logged onto the SIMhl and had an amazing conversation with a GM in there who helped me see a few things. I thought what I would do is just continue to let my guard down in this blog and tell you a little more about me.

I know over the seasons I have been on the site, people have differing ideas about how old I am. I have never really said how old I am and the conversation with this one GM highlighted that fact. That being said, and at risk of making myself look like an easy mark for trade offers (yeah right), I am going to tell you how old I am. If you have looked at my pics in here you will see that I am not all that old. I am actually 19 years old, though my experiences and all that I have been through make me seem a lot older.

I have been told many times that I act and behave older than I am. I think it is because I have been through a lot in my short life. I think when you face the sort of challenges and obstacles that I have, you grow up really quick. Don't get me wrong though, I still make stupid teenage boy mistakes and I still make dumb teenage boy comments and when I get wound up, I tend to act a little immature as a certain GM in the SIM will tell you.

I also tend to be a very funny guy. I don't usually like to be all serious and uptight. I also don't drink very much because when I drink or get drunk, I tend to become all serious and that is just not me at all. Those of you who know me on the SIM know that I tend to be funny and pretty easy going.

In the end, I just try to be a nice guy whenever I can. I don't usually rip on people, and I don't usually insult or hurt people. When I do, I tend to get upset at myself and then I usually feel really badly to the point that I usually send a note to the person to tell them I never meant to be mean to them. I guess some would say that makes me a bit of a pussy, but I think it makes me a nice guy.

I thought I should also say that I have decided to resume my chemo. I am going back to the doctor next week to make the arrangements. I am not sure that it is going to do me any good but Caleb wants me to fight and so, I am going to fight.

My parents are still not talking to me but Scooter seems to think they will be fine by Friday. I am hoping he is right. I know they have every right to be mad and I accept the punishment that they are giving me but I am still there Son and I need them. I have decided that if they don't start talking to me by the weekend, I am probably going to consider leaving. I can't handle how its making me feel and the reality is, I feel very alone in my own home. I feel invisible and it hurts. I know I hurt them, but I don't think that returning the favour is helpful. I hope I don't have to leave but if I have to then so be it. I know I can survive in a shelter, I have proven that.

The next post will be the movie post I promised. I really need to post something like that as a distraction to everything that is going on. It would probably be for the best anyway so we all have something fun and light to read for a change.

In the interim, I hope my open and honest approach to everything that is going on for me is helpful. I promise though that when/if any sex takes place, I will spare you all the gory details. I will find a classy way to say it happened but I wont force you to vomit in your mouth by sharing the mental pictures.

Lastly, just a thank you to all of you who post such nice things on here. Your friendship, especially now, is so very much appreciated.

LiveSTRONG

The Long And Winding Road

2008-03-26T16:09:00.000-07:00

I am not sure when the rents are going to start talking to me again. It feels like its been forever and yet it has only been a couple of days. I have been reminded that I must have completely shocked them and so I need to give them time to adapt and adjust to what I have dropped on them. I totally respect that and I guess I really have no choice but to wait. All I know is that I am not looking forward to the talking to I am going to get.

I have talked to Caleb about this and he says much the same thing, that I need to be patient and let things settle down. He is somewhat of a professional in this field having been there, done that.

I feel as though I am walking a long and winding road that is leading me somewhere I have never been before. I want my parents to love me and accept me for who I am and yet I just can't seem to get them to talk to me. I have tried signing to them and they out and out ignore me. It hurts but I am sure I have it coming given that I lied about where I was and then just out and out told them about Caleb. I just can't get past this sense of loss that is plaguing me, and yet I totally accept that I had it coming to me. It feels like a monumental loss and I can't seem to find the words to put it in perspective.

I want to be who I am for who I am and not what someone else feels I should be. I just wish I felt loved again.

I don't think I have said this before but I am now hooked on American Idol and have been watching it a lot. There is this one kid, David Archuleta who I think is amazing. I heard him sing the song I am putting in this blog tonight and I just felt it was right. I had never heard it before he sang it so I am kind of attached to his version of it. When I listen to it I think of how weird life can be, and how my whole life seems to be a long and winding road. All of a sudden, everything I know is changing and I am having a hard time keeping up. Thank god for some things keeping me grounded.

I feel as though I am typing mindlessly here and it is only because I am in such a state of flux. I continue to see Caleb nightly well my parents continue to keep ignoring me. Tough combination.

I am being open minded about all this and I am feeling safer and safer with Caleb. I know its moving fast and I know I can't control what is going to happen but I just feel as though he is the one. We click on so many levels and it just feels so very natural when were together. I am not jumping too fast though, sex is not on the agenda at this point and neither he nor I are going to rush that. We have decided that when and if i happens then that is what will be.

I want to give props as well to everyone who reads this and still has respect for me. You may never know how much your kind words mean to this kid from K-W and how very much I need you guys and gals to stick with me on this trip. Its exciting to know that this Blog is of interest to people. I write it for you guys and gals. I try not to hold anything back either, I want you to know me for who I really am regardless of what that means to my reputation. I want you to know the real me like Caleb does, and like my family does.

One thing I can say is, thank god I am too old for a spanking cuz I am sure my parents are mighty pissed at me for this one. I wish they weren't but hey, I have already said that up top.

I hope this entry is not boring everyone, its just that I needed a chance to get my stuff out on the table and see where we go from here. Thanks for lettin me do that.

I owe Al a special entry, he wants to know its like to watch my favourite movies now that I can hear the music and the sounds. I promise my entry tomorrow will deal with that. Its a great question and I wanna answer it

On a funny note, as most of you know, I am learning to speak. I have trouble with pronunciation and Caleb knows this. The other night he gives me a sheet of paper with the words, "I AM SOFA KING WE TODD DID" written on it and he asked me to read it out loud. Now, I am not that great at that kind of thing so by like the 10th time, I finally got it but Caleb was already rolling on the floor laughing...he thought it was hysterical and so did I once I got it.

I have another important announcement to make and this is really important. Tuesday May 13th is LiveSTRONG Day. I want to ask everyone who reads this, to please wear yellow on the 13th of May. It would mean a lot to me if you would and if you would spread the word and help me help the LAF build our Yellow Army! I will be posting more on this as it gets closer but it would mean a lot to me if you would all just put on some yellow and show your support.

Be sure to check out the video...if you can watch David sing and not feel he has talent then I need my hearing checked again 8)

Alright peeps, time for me to be shovin off. I don't know what I am going to do tonight after I am done meeting Caleb. It seems I come home, go to bed, get up, try to get a response from the rents and they just leave. I am in a house full of people and yet I have never in my life felt so very alone.

LiveSTRONG!

7 Days In Retrospect And A New Beginning

2008-03-25T08:40:00.000-07:00

I woke up this morning and things were back to normal. There was no Caleb at the bottom of my bed and breakfast was not waiting for me in the kitchen. No T.J. and no Jewel to talk to or play cards with. Indeed, life is back to normal.

I want to use this space to touch on the last week. I have just wrapped up 7 days in a youth shelter for homeless youth. I arrived there open minded, unsure, and confident in whom I was. I left there open minded, enriched, fulfilled, and in a relationship. It was the best 7 days I have ever spent doing something.

When you arrive at a place like that you never really know what you’re going to find. What I learned is that my stereotypes and pre-conceived ideas were out to lunch. Just because someone is a recovering heroin addict does not mean that they can’t be a good person. Just because someone has come from an abusive home does not mean that can’t feel love. I think that is where I stumbled. I had to break my own stereotypes and once I accomplished that, I saw things in a new light.

It’s like wearing a pair of glasses with the wrong prescription. You can see, but things are blurry and distorted. Over the course of the first few days, the prescription changed and I was able to make things out in detail and the images went from being blurry and funny looking, to crisp and beautiful. That is not to say it was all roses. It was not, the fight in the kitchen was evidence of that. But for me that was an isolated incident and to be honest, I did not see a lot of hostility. I think when you decide to go to a place like this; you are ultimately making a decision to change yourself. You can’t stay unless you’re willing to contribute, attend classes, and adhere to a curfew. It’s very structured and in that sense I think it is structure that is what these youth are looking for. The fact that they seek it out makes me believe that they want to be in a better position. They don’t want to be on the street anymore. Their courage humbles me.

As the week wore on, feelings I never thought I had were kindled. I met a guy, I developed feelings for him, and my life changed again. Suddenly, I was feeling alive again, my cancer was not on my mind as much and the world seemed right. For Caleb, he found someone willing to accept him for who he is. Acceptance and unconditional love are two things that we look for. A friend reminded me of this (Thanks Jer) and I think that is why Caleb and I work so well together. We both have issues/baggage and yet we both find ourselves willing to look past that and make it work. Unconditional love and acceptance.

As the week came to a close I began to see these people in a new way. I was open and willing to give unconditional love to those who needed it more than anyone else. I was feeling full in my heart. I felt as though I may have made a small difference and although I found it hard to believe, I was constantly reminded of how great it was that was I there. It was as if I was some kind of celebrity though I never wanted to be one. I wanted to come in quietly, observe, give hope and love and leave again. What I got instead was all that ten fold and then…I got it back in return.

I leave there with hope. Hope that the world can be a better place if we all just try to do our part. I leave there with love, the love of friends and a new relationship. I leave there with peace, the peace of mind of knowing that I am a better person for giving up my creature comforts and going where many of us shudder to think about going. Lastly, I leave there fulfilled, fulfilled knowing that I am a good person. I am a person you can rely on and someone who will love you for who you are no matter what.

My week there was good, I learned a lot, and I would do it all again in a heartbeat. Lastly, I left there with a big challenge. The challenge of returning home and telling my parents that their son is a bisexual and has found unconditional love with another guy.

Last night I sat down with my parents and with Caleb waiting for me at Tim Hortons, I told them the truth, in full, without editing. I was not sure what I would get back for a response and it was exactly what I expected. Stunned silence, disbelief and then they both got up and walked away. When I asked if we could talk, they said they had nothing to say at this point and needed time to think. It crushed me, and was the hardest thing I have ever done in my life. They would not talk to me this morning and I am not sure when they will. They know about Caleb, I won’t hide him from them; I can’t do that to him. All I can do now is wait, and hope that my experience at the shelter is not a foundation on which I will be building more experiences anytime soon.

LiveSTRONG!

Day 7 At The Shelter

2008-03-24T09:27:00.000-07:00

Its Sunday morning and I wake up to the fact that I have only one more night of sleeping here before I return home to my own bed. I am anxious about that. I have become very comfortable waking up to Caleb and his smile. It’s going to be tough to adjust to not seeing him in the morning.

It’s Easter and the mood in the shelter is a mixture of somber and upbeat. Some are happy, others are sad as yet another holiday comes along. I try to be positive but the feelings of anxiety are tough to put down. Caleb almost senses this and puts his arm around me and tells me this is not the end of the road, it’s simply the beginning of a new adventure.

Breakfast comes and goes in a blur and all I can think about is getting out to our local coffee spot and sitting down to coffee alone with him.

We do just that. I sit there, sipping coffee, talking mindlessly and staring into his penetrating eyes. He looks calm, happy, and totally at peace. He tells me that with me he has found someone who truly seems to care. I tell him I feel the same for him. He feels he can trust me and I feel the same for him. We talk about the ground rules for our new relationship. I make it clear that I am not ready to “do it” yet and that I want to take it slow. He nods calmly and explains that he is not ready either. He speaks about his past experiences around sex and how they have been very bad and hard on him. He has come from a broken home where he was badly used and abused. He knows this makes him damaged goods and he knows that many will view him as clingy and maybe trying to take advantage. His honesty is one of his best qualities and I know that he is much better than he gives himself credit for.

We sit there for several hours again just talking and learning about each other. It’s amazing how much you can hear when you stop talking and start listening.

As the time rolls by and the conversation continues I truly begin to feel that I have found the one. Something about him just seems right, just FEELS right.

We eventually make our way back to the shelter as the dinner hour gets closer and closer. I try to remain positive over dinner but my emotions continue to chew away at me and make it more difficult than it should be.

Having finished dinner, we retire to the rec room to meet with T.J, and Jewel to play some cards and relax for the rest of the night. We chat, and reflect on the last week. We spend most of the time talking about how I tripped into this place and met them. They can’t fully understand why a guy like me would want to spend time with people like them and when I explain it to them; they just shake their heads in total disbelief. I don’t think they fully comprehend why a kid with Cancer would care so much about them. They tell me that having me here this last week has been a great gift. Jewel gives me a big hug and tells me that my courage is unbelievable and that she is going to kick my ass if I don’t keep in touch with her.

As the night winds down I begin to reflect on the week I spent here. I try to think about how I am going to summarize it in my blog. I drop myself on the couch and Caleb settles in beside me. I he puts his head back on my chest and I sit there with him in total silence, just enjoying the moment.

As we get ready for bed, we do as we usually do and I wrap my arms around him, giving him a big hug and a long kiss goodnight. I don’t want to let him go and yet I know this is not the end, it’s just the beginning.

As I drift off into sleep I think about tomorrow morning…and suddenly I am not so afraid.

Monday comes around and I wake up to find Caleb sitting on my bed. It’s a tough morning knowing that I am going to have to pack up and leave. I move quickly knowing that I am going to get very emotional. I pack up my bags and he helps me. He is packing up too as he gets ready to move to his new shelter for the week. I confirm the cell number and he does mine. We agree to meet tonight for a coffee and keep it going from there. I am not one for a long goodbye and knowing that I won’t wake up to him sitting there next morning is breaking my heart. I find Jewel and T.J. and wish them the best. Walking to the front door I give Caleb a huge hug and kiss and tell him I will see him tonight. Suddenly I don’t feel so sad…it’s only a matter of hours until I see him and from there we will see where it takes us.

Walking out the door I think back on the week that has been and I begin to think about what my summary blog entry will look like. The experience has been overwhelming on so many fronts. There is so much that I could not compact into these posts that I will try to cover in my summary post. My stay has been life altering for many reasons and for the first time in my life, I feel complete, alive and as though I am ready to take on the world at large.

I have scratched off one more item on my bucket list, and yet I am not ready to kick the bucket in the slightest…I have found new reasons for living and live I will.

LiveSTRONG!

Day 6 At The Shelter

2008-03-23T08:54:00.000-07:00

Its Saturday morning and my week at the shelter is quickly coming to a close. Only Sunday and then I will be leaving Monday morning.

I wake up this morning to my normal routine, Caleb sitting there, hand on my head, running his fingers through my hair with a big smile on his face. I find myself getting more and more comfortable with this situation and it feels good to have that comfort. Caleb also seems to be in a different head space. He seems happier, more settled and it feels good inside to know that I may have played a role in that measure of happiness.

We get ready and head to breakfast. Nothing eventful to report there, just the usual faces, the usual conversations, and the usual selection. With it being a Saturday the guests have the option to do what they please. Most will stay here and relax but a few will head out and see what job opportunities might be out there, even on a Saturday.

Caleb and I opt to go out and get some fresh air. We get outside and start walking a few blocks. We start side by side but that quickly changes to having his arm around my neck. I am fine with this even as the people passing by give us funny looks well others just smile politely. Some seem tolerant and others seem disgusted. Thus is the dilemma I now find myself facing.

We stop at our new hangout, a Tim's. We each order a coffee and spend the next few hours talking. We talk about each others lives, what we are currently doing, what we want to do. We feel like ancient friends sitting there. Inevitably we talk about what the future holds for us. The fact that I feel there is a future is something new for me. We agree to keep seeing each other once I leave. He has my cell phone number and I have his and we have each others emails. We will continue to meet more than likely at night or during the day when that is possible. We will spend weekends together too. It feels good having this conversation and I feel something inside of me telling me that its right.

I sit back and take a long look into his eyes, I am searching them, looking for some sign that this is real. I see no reason not to think it is and so I change the conversation to how I am going to explain this to my family. We challenge each other back and forth with pro and con arguments and settle on waiting to see if this is what we both want before saying anything to them. I think that its best though I have never done anything like that before. I am sure my parents would be shocked but having seen all they have seen with me I want to believe they will be tolerant.

The conversation lags a little as we sip our second coffee. He looks unsure of himself and so I prompt him to tell me what is wrong. He is afraid to ask me something so I encourage him to tell me. With a deep breath he asks me if I have ever "Done It" before. I think I turned a million shades of red and tell him honestly that I have not. He's not worried about me never having done it, he is worried that I will judge him because he has done it. I tell him that I dont judge and he should know that about me by now. He flashes that special smile and I know were going to be ok. I tell him that I am not in a rush too though. I explain my wish to lose my virginity to the one who makes me shine. I explain that the one who makes me shine is the one who will bring out the best in me and make me a better person for being with them...someone who captures my heart and soul. He smiles again and tells me that there is no pressure with him and that if it happens it happens. I agree and with that we get up and get ready to leave.

The remainder of the afternoon is uneventful, we sit in the rec room, play cards, I check my hockey lines, post to the blog, and get ready for dinner.

We spend the evening in the rec room, curled up on a couch again, his head resting on my chest, my hands on his chest, this time I can feel HIS heart beating. My hormones kick up and he makes a smart remark which makes me turn too many shades of red.

I can't explain the feeling of total peace I find when I am with him. I forget about my cancer, the fact that I am likely going to die. When I am with him I feel a sense of safety and completeness I haven't found anywhere else. I sit there listening to his breathing and I feel like I have found the one.

We finally make our way to bed. I usually get my hug before I change but I do things differently tonight. I sleep in my boxers and this time I wait till he is the same and then go and hug him. I want to feel his chest against mine. Hes warm, and totally willing. He hugs me and I let my hands run up and down his back. I kiss him deeply and come fully to grips with the fact that I am in all likelihood, a bisexual. Letting him go, we look at each other knowing this could easily be so much more but we both know its not right, not now anyway.

I lay in bed and reach over and take his hand, I stare into his eyes until i can no longer keep mine open and I drift off into sleep.

My world has changed so completely and so fully that I can barely believe it myself. In my heart I feel I have found the one who makes me shine.

LiveSTRONG!

Day 5 At The Shelter

2008-03-22T12:40:00.000-07:00

I don't really remember when it was that I fell asleep. I was doing so much thinking and the whole movie of the events of that night kept rolling through my head. I kept pausing at the part where Caleb told me what he was feeling towards me and then the kiss he laid on me. It was weird...I have never kissed a guy before and have never been kissed by a guy before so it was all so very odd to me and yet, it didn't freak me out in the slightest. I remember him putting his hands on my face, leaning in, and the gentle manner in which his lips connected with mine. The way I allowed it to happen and continue....thats it, I allowed it to continue and I think that is where I am stuck. I could have pulled away and I didn't. I could have fought him and I didn't, I could have completely stopped him cold and...I...didn't. God forbid, I think I may have actually reciprocated. All I keep thinking about is that this was not some innocent little peck on the cheek, he full on kissed me and I think I may have been kissing him back. Do you see my dilemma here? My over analysis is making me crazy...and somewhere at that point I fell asleep.

I woke up once again to Caleb sitting on the edge of my bed. He was just sitting there watching me and I actually felt safe with him sitting there. We got ready for breakfast and with it being Good Friday, neither of us had anywhere to be so we had the full day together.

Having finished breakfast we decided to go out and just walk the downtown. We opted to go for a coffee and sit at a Tim's and just talk. We talked about the other night, we talked about what it meant, and we talked about what Caleb said to me. He explained that he felt something for me when I came in the door that first night and from there he has become more attached to me. I told him that I felt a deep connection to him and that I wanted to continue to see him. Somewhere between the first and third cup of coffee I think I finally realized that I am feeling something for him that I have never really felt for someone else. I am not yet willing to say that I am Bi or Gay or anything like that nor am I willing to say that I love him. What I am willing to say is that I feel SOMETHING for him and only the next few days will say for sure just what it is.

We left Tim's and made our way back to the shelter. It was cold out and neither of us wanted to stay out too long. Once we got back we headed to the kitchen to help with prep. There is something special about domestic work in a kitchen. I find it strangely appealing, almost relaxing. It was also a little nerve racking given that I had returned to the scene of my first real fight. Nonetheless, I made it through without having to hit anyone.

Through the rest of the day we played cards, we watched TV and we just chillaxed like we didn't have a care in the world. It was the kind of day you just take in and enjoy.

By dinner we were sufficiently eased into our new reality that we actually started joking a little about the other night with me making wise cracks about how he slobers like a wet dog when he kisses. It didn't feel weird and it was surely very funny.

After Dinner we returned to the rec room and watched TV. We sat there and I got brave and put my arm around him. He leaned into me, and I could feel his head resting on my chest. It made me tingle and no matter how much I may have wanted to get up to do something, I could not risk the embarassment that would have fallen on me.

We sat there in total bliss and the only thing I think he said for about an hour was, "I can hear your heart beating". His short blonde hair felt so very soft on my hands and I am sure I put him to sleep at one point though he denies it.

Later on that night we headed to the computer room and I took him to the SIMhl with me and the blog site. I ran into Al on the SIMhl and explained to Caleb who Al was and some of the others on there.

We stayed long enough that we got told they wanted to close down the room and so we left.

We headed to bed and got ready to crash. Just before I went to lay down, I got my hug from him and as he went to let go, I lost all reality, did something completely out of character for me, leaned in and kissed him goodnight. I have no idea what I was thinking but for some reason it just felt right. Needless to say he returned my gesture willingly and my hormones once again got the better of me which led to a few sarcastic remarks from him. When I let him go I just stared at him and wished him a good night. I laid down in the bed and the last thing I heard was "Thanks Derry, I really needed that"

The room went black and I think I slept deeper than I have all week...it was as if the world was perfect for just once in my life.

LiveSTRONG!

Day 4 At The Shelter

2008-03-21T20:07:00.001-07:00

Its Thursday morning and I wake up this morning and Caleb is nowhere to be found. I feel disoriented, out of place and a wave of anxiety and nausea rushes over me. I feel as though the walls are closing in around me and my bearings are out of whack. I go to get out of bed and it hits me....

My eyes open and there is Caleb in his usual place, frowning, almost worried. Apparently I was dreaming and as he put it, "Talking Chinese". Dreams are funny sometimes but this one just felt so real. I try to explain it to him and he tries to make me feel better. He tells me its just a case of him being too damn cool for me. I laugh with him and he gives me a hug, tells me not to worry, everything is going to be just great.

Breakfast is the usual and from there he heads out to his class. I have started to learn that what they talk about in this class is coping strategies, self esteem, life skills, and other things that recovering addicts need to keep themselves from becoming addicted again. I am extremely proud of him. He is not your typical recovering addict. He actually wants to get better and he is doing his damndest to make that happen. Its impressive and I cant help but feel great for him.

Today I need to decide what I want to do with my day. There is a class on job searching, resume writing, interviewing, etc that is running today and I decide that this is a good class for me to take. I may never get to use half of what I learn in this class but I want to learn it anyway on the off chance I live long enough to make a serious job search.

The class is full and there is a wide variety of people in there. Its interesting to watch everyone and see them trying to change their lives. The power of the human spirit is alive and well and very much present in this room. Through the day people share what they want to do, share their anxieties, successes and failures in finding a job. Everyone is supportive and many of them chime in to share words of encouragement. It feels like a huge safety net in here. In the end I walk away with some great life skills and I think I am a better person for it.

The evening sees me hook up with Caleb and company and we all have dinner together. Its nice...we sit and joke, talk about what we did for the day and talk about what is going on around us. Its intimate but safe and I like it. I get asked lots of questions about what it was like to be deaf, how that changed and how I am now coping in the hearing world. I get asked what it was like to be able to hear. I tell them all about it and they seem genuinely interested. They ask about my Cancer and how I can remain so positive. They want to know why I would want to spend so much time in a place like this with people like them. I pause and look at them and tell them because I wanted to make a difference for someone who was in their position and I turn to Caleb and tell him that I wanted to find just one person and establish a deeper connection. Its amazing, I find myself totally at ease and the conversation is flowing naturally,

Its almost 10 PM and Caleb excuses himself and asks me to join him. We head outside as he tells me he wants to go for a walk tonight. We walk along the street in the cool night air and its as if we have known each other forever. I had no idea what was about to happen although deep down I probably should have seen it coming. We stop a few blocks away and turn down the street. We stop again and Caleb looks at me with those soulful eyes, and he tells me that there is something he really needs to say. I am not sure what to expect though somehow I almost know what is coming. Without missing a beat he tells me he thinks he is falling for me and has no idea what to do about it, hes scared about how I am going to feel hearing that from him. Before I even get a chance to respond, he grabs a hold of me and kisses me.

At this point I have no idea what to do or what is happening. I felt as though I was in some kind of dream state, not really connected to reality anymore. I am frozen, not sure how to respond and as he lets me go and backs up I stare at him completely lost in a crashing wave of emotions. He looks scared, almost thinking that I might deck him or something. Still unsure of myself I look at him and all I could muster was, "Wow, ok, well I am not sure what to say to that".

I wont go into the details of our conversation though I will say that we talked, a lot, and walked, a lot. I am not sure what I am feeling right now. I am very confused by where my head is at and I told him that. He respected my uncertainty with what just happened and with that we stopped at a Tim Hortons and had a coffee before heading back to the shelter.

As is our usual custom, and one that wont be changed by a series of unusual events, he hugged me and he crashed. I laid awake, thinking, thinking, and then thinking again before I lost track of my thinking and nodded off.

I know that anyone reading this will probably think I am crazy for not out and out telling him to F-Off or something stronger. I didn't, I couldn't, and I am not even sure I wanted to. I have lived my short life in complete tolerance and acceptance of everything around me. I wont pass judgement on anyone, even when they do something like that. I look at what happened as an experience...something I had never done before. The funny thing is, I am not sure I didn't like it. What I do know is that everything I thought I knew about myself is now in a whirlwind. I need to centre myself and yet I can't get the experience or Caleb out of my mind.

I also know that there will be those who will now have lost all respect for me. I accept that. I can't force you to think well of me and I wont try to. I started this blog as an open environment to post on my experiences. I accept your judgement, whether positive or negative and if by my actions you can no longer accept me for who I am, I still respect you and still love you as a fellow human being.

I want to live out the life I have been handed with an open mind and heart. I came to this place looking to share love with those who needed it most and somehow, in some strange way, I ended up on the receiving end.

I don't know what tomorrow will bring but I do know that my eyes are wide open, and my heart is too.

LiveSTRONG!

Day 3 At The Shelter

2008-03-20T17:29:00.000-07:00

Someimes I feel as though I am a broken record when I do a series like this because so many of the things that you do in a place like this are all about routines. I think it is meant to build a sense of stability into the persons life. Something that was likely sorely missing up until that point in time. And so begins day 3 at my temporary home.

I woke up this morning and there was Caleb, sitting in a chair right beside me, half dressed but waiting for me to greet the morning. As my vision came around and I got my bearings his smile once again greeted me. For the first time, I did not wake up feeling a sense of panic. I felt calm, relaxed, and I think I got the best night sleep yet.

As is the usual thing for Caleb and I, we got dressed, and ready for breakfast. Nothing special to report on the breakfast front as things are pretty much the same there day by day.

Over breakfast Caleb told me that he did not have his course today and that we has no kitchen duty. Apparently it is customary for the residents to help in the kitchen for prep-work. Kind of like working for your food and shelter. He asked if I wanted to help and I of course said yes.

We spent the whole day prepping lunch and dinner. We even helped with lunch and dinner service. It was not all roses though. During the course of lunch prep, two other residents got into a verbal confrontation and it got really heated. Caleb jumped in and suggested everyone just go out for a smoke and cool off and I agreed. Well that was all it took. The one guy just popped and went off the deep end taking a lunge at the first guy. He got knocked backwards and slammed into Caleb sending all three of them to the gound. Not wanting to see my friend get hurt, I jumped in and pulled the one guy off of Caleb and tried to separate the two of them but they had none of that. By this point the kitchen staff were on the phone to the police and T.J was coming clear across the kitchen to cover my back. The first guy took a swing at me for intervening me but I was a little farther away then he expected. Having missed, I cold cocked him in the mouth and sent him reeling. By this point things were at fever pitch in the kitchen and pots and pans were crashing, people yelling, and all hell breaking loose. Having been punched and the second guy recognizing he had an opportunity, he football tackled the first guy to the floor. I felt a rough tug on my collar and it was T.J. grabbing me by the collar to keep me out of it. It felt like seconds but really went about 10 minutes. When it was all said and done, the Cops took names and we were all warned to cool it or we would be booted. The guy who started it got kicked out and that was it for him.

Having made it through my first big fight, I decided to spend the remainder of the evening in the rec room with Jewel, Caleb, and T.J.. The three of them joked about how I got into my first big fight and how funny it was to see me that wound up. Caleb put his arm around me and said, “don’t be messin with my bodyguard” and I just laughed at him.

We spent most of the night just watching T.V. and chatting. T.J. and Jewel sat together and Caleb and I sat on another couch but we were all kind of angled so we could all see each other and talk and watch the tube. I am at a bit of a crossroads now though. I am going to open up more than I usually which is to say that I am going to say a little bit more about what I am feeling as opposed to just glossing over it and saying nothing. It may cost me some opinions on who I am but then I also feel I need to be who I am, for who I am, regardless of what anyone thinks of me. There is no secret to the fact that Caleb and I are getting close. Our friendship is growing and although it could be said that I am being played or whatever, I am just not feeling that from him. I think he really is who he is, and he is trying so very hard to be a better person. I also know that Caleb is Bi and that he has the ability to get close to other guys and not let that be an issue. Some people could take him hugging me and vice versa before we crash as being something more. Others would say that we spend a lot of time together and perhaps we spend too much time together. What I know is that when we spend time together, I feel really good. When he hugs me before we crash, it feels good. When I wake up and he is sitting there smiling at me, I feel warm. Last night when we sat on the couch in the rec room and we just watched TV and talked with T.J. and Jewel, it felt good. I am not sure what to make of what I am feeling though. I know I feel a close connection to him and he feels the same with me. I never expected this to happen when I started this. I thought I would get close to someone or a few people and I would end up just showing them that someone cared. I had no idea that in doing so, I would also find myself on the receiving end of that same emotion. I guess what I am trying to say is that my emotions and my feelings are out of whack at the moment. I dont really fully understand what I am feeling or why I am feeling it. What I do know is that I really like hanging with him and I think our friendship will extend outside this place.

Okay, enough, I am starting to ramble and losing my train of thought here.

By the end of the night I did what I usually do, I headed to the kitchen, got a cup of coffee, and finished up for the night. From there I made my way to my bed, got my hug from Caleb and crashed.

Tomorrow will be another day and I will have yet another chance to make a difference. I just hope it does not mean that I need to throw another punch. I feel badly for that, I am not a fighter. Never have been and when I hit that guy, everything changed. I can not take back what I did. I can only try not to do it again in the future.

One last thing, please dont judge me for my actions...I never meant to hurt anyone.

LiveSTRONG!

Day 2 At The Shelter

2008-03-19T06:51:00.001-07:00

Day 2 at the shelter is in the books and I continue to learn new things about what it is to not have the luxuries I have in life. Let me give you the run down on the day.

My morning started as it usually does, I opened my eyes to Caleb and a big smile telling me I needed to get my butt in gear so we could go to breakfast. I lifted myself out of bed, stretching my stiff back and tried to make sense out of my surroundings. I have been having dreamless sleep since I got here. Not sure if it is just a side effect of my new surroundings or if it is something else.

Breakfast was the usual selection, you could have cold cereal, eggs and bacon or oatmeal. There was toast, juice and coffee too. The food is not what I am used too but it is not as bad as I initially expected it to be. The good news is that it is hot and good for me so what more could I ask for.

I had my choice of things to do during the day today so I opted to go to a full day class on healthy living and choices. I learned about why I should choose to avoid drugs, prostitution, petty theft, and other illegal things. I also learned that finding a stable home environment and learning to cook and fend for myself was paramount. I also learned that getting educated and finding meaningful work would be good for me. All in all, I took a lot away from that class. I wanted to spend the day with Caleb but he goes to a program for recovering addicts and it is not open to anyone else. I am really happy for him, he genuinely seems to want to turn his life around which I think is a great thing.

By dinner time I had met up with my buddy and he introduced me to some of his friends. T.J, Jewel, and Marcus. The 4 of them and I spent most of the evening playing cards and talking. We talked about each others situation, how we got to where we are now and what we are planning to do to get things back on track. They listened to my story about how I was once deaf and how I was now battling Cancer. The cool thing is that they do not pity me. They don’t judge either and I don’t judge them. Am I being scammed, played or whatever you wanna call it? I don’t know. Maybe. But I try to think that their friendship is genuine. They seem like really nice people who simply found themselves in bad situations. T.J’s mother is a prostitute who refuses to acknowledge he is alive. Jewel comes from a household of drunks who like to beat on her and Marcus is another recovering heroin addict.

I admire their strength and their willingness to accept that they need to take action and do something about their situations. I think it takes tremendous courage to step up and do something. They no longer want to be victims of their circumstances and I find that encouraging. It gives me the strength I need to fight the good fight.

By the end of the night I had 3 more friends and we were all laughing, and sharing. I like to think I brought some sense of normal to the table. I also like to think that I brought love and a genuine desire to help.

It was probably closer to midnight before Caleb and I went to bed. As is our new custom, he gave me a hug and wished me a good night. I did the same for him. I don’t know that I can explain it but something just feels different when I spend time with him and when he hugs me. I don’t know how to explain it, its not something I have felt before and yet it feels so very natural to me. Maybe I will understand as time goes by but for now, I will just go with it.

Until tomorrow…

LiveSTRONG!

Day 1 At The Shelter

2008-03-17T16:03:00.000-07:00

Day 1 is quickly coming to a close. We have some evening programs that run in the evening apparently but the most of the day is now over. I will review what my day was like.

I arrived at the shelter last night and made my way to the admin desk. I was handed an intake form where I was asked a whole variety of questions around my situation ranging from drug use to criminal history. It was a laundry list of questions I have never been asked before.

Once I completed the form I was told I could stay for one week at which point I would need to move to another shelter. I said I would be fine with just the week. I was given a tour of the modest facility. There was a sleeping area, a ward of sorts, a minor medical room, admin offices, an entertainment room, washrooms with showers, and a dining hall. The decor was stark, almost clinical. There was little warmth to the place.

As I had missed dinner I was told I could relax in the rec lounge or find myself a bed and make it my own. I decided that I should find a bed. As I looked around the room that people sleep in, I noticed that many of the residents had already picked out a place to sleep. I settled into a bed close to the door and close to the corner thinking it would have me close to an exit and leaving no one behind me.

I made my way to the rec room from there. That is where I met him. His name is Caleb and he is 17 years old, he is about 5'10 and probably no more than 150 pounds soaking wet. His dirty blonde hair and grey eyes make him look meek and beaten down, there is a tremendous amount of pain and suffering in his soul. I can feel it. He is a very nice young bisexual who is recovering from a heroin addiction. His mother used to beat on him and his father figured he was best served as a sex toy to his sicko ideas...we hit it off immediately. Never in my life did I think that a former heroin addict and myself could find common ground but we did.

He talked about how he got here, that he was hoping to one day go back to school and make something of himself, that he had dreams just like any other kid and that he was going to do everything he could to make something of himself in spite of his parents. He had left home at 14, and was living on the streets for the most part and then bouncing between shelters. He talked about how the system is not designed to help people like him out. Then it happened, the one thing I was most worried about...he asked me what I was doing there. My heart jumped and I told him I could not and would not lie to him. I told him I was doing something I had put on my bucket list and so the story went.

He sat there in silence as I told him my story in 5 minutes or less. He just sat there, silent, listening, absorbing, and taking in what I had to say as though my situation was suddenly more important than his own. When I finished, he leaned over and hugged me. I could feel his ribs against my chest and I just shuddered, took a deep breath and tried to keep my composure. How could this young man be so attached to me in such a short time. When he let me go he said he would help me get used to things around here.

We made our way to the dining hall and we sat and had coffee. I think he was being friendly but in all honesty, I think he did it to be normal again, whatever normal is anyway. He had a friend, someone he could relate to and someone who was not there to judge him.

That night he set up shop beside my bed, hugged me again, and we crashed side by side.

By 8 AM the lights came on and whatever dream was washing through my brain quickly disappeared as I opened my eyes and looked at Caleb. With a big smile he looked at me and told me it was time to go get breakfast.

Breakfast is not much to look at, Oatmeal, juice, toast and a few other things to make sure you get a balanced morning. From breakfast you are expected to head to either work placement, schooling or some form, a treatment program or some other positive activity. Since I had nowhere to go I opted to spend the day in the shelter and take in a drug awareness class. Caleb was off to a day long program from recovering addicts and said he would see me for dinner.

I had no idea there were so many narcotics out there and with so many crazy names. All I know is, I dont do drugs and after todays class, I dont intend to either.

I spent the balance of the day outdoors, walking the downtown and just doing what someone who does not have a home would do.

I returned for Dinner, met up with Caleb and we sat and had a hearty beef stew, bread, and carrot cake for desert. We talked about what he did that day and I told him about my day. We continued chatting and getting closer. I am feeling a special bond with him...a feeling I have not felt before, and its nice.

So now here I am, sitting in the computer room where you can access the net though we are monitored to make sure we are not accessing anything illegal etc.

Tonight Caleb is going to introduce me to some of the other people he hangs with and we are going to spend the rest of the night as a group.

I think I found that special someone I was meant to get close to and help...at least I hope I did. Its funny, a heroin addict and a cancer kid meet in a homeless shelter. It sounds like the set-up to a really bad joke and yet the joke is, it feels like home.

Till Tomorrow!

LiveSTRONG!

A Week In The Life Of...

2008-03-16T16:16:00.000-07:00

I have said it before and I put it on my bucket list. I am going to check into a youth shelter tonight and show love to those who need it the most.

I have no idea what I am going to find there. Not sure what I am searching for either. I am coming in to the system without anyone knowing anything about me. I am just going to show up and ask for a place to stay. Now dont worry, my rents think I am going to be staying at a friends place for the week and I think that is for the best. They would prolly freak out if they knew what I was planning.

The people who run the shelter dont know anything about me either. Like I said, I just plan to show up. To the best of my knowledge there is web access there so I am planning on posting daily update on what I experience. if I can't update daily, I will update as quickly as I can.

One thing is certain, I intend to listen, learn, and share. I want to show as many people in there as I can that there are people who care. I am going to try and make some friends and just be myself, genuine, honest, quirky and occasionally a little off balance, but myself.

I want to leave this world in a better way than I came into it and if I can touch just one homeless kid, just one abused girl, or just one kid than it was worth it.

I am rambling now because my nerves are kicking up. I am traveling light. Just a few clothes, and nothing else. I am going to live off what the system gives me.

See You Soon

LiveSTRONG!

I've Been Tagged

2008-03-14T16:01:00.000-07:00

Well I have never been tagged before and had to do some reading to find out what this meant for me. Apparently The Worm got me and so I need to make sure I return the favour. So here you go sir...

Accordingly I am to post the rules...please allow me to rip off another posting format as I go about doing my due dilligence

1) Link To The Person That Tagged You

Done!

2) Post The Rules On The Blog

Read Along...I am doing just that

3) Share six non-important things/habits/quirks about yourself

A) I absolutely refuse to drink the last few drops of the milk. I call it milk waste and cant bring myself to be the one who gets the last of the milk from the bag. I find it gross, and usually find creative ways to pawn it off on some poor unsuspecting family member

B) I am Arachnophobic which is to say that I have a deathly fear of spiders. I dont know why I am so afraid of them but I am. I cant stand them in the slightest and can barely bring myself to get close enough to kill them. Whenever I see one it usually results in me freaking out and waving my hands violently to get someone else to kill it. Now that I can speak, I find that loud screaming is far more effective then waving my hands

C) I am a boxers, not briefs guy. The argument continues to rage as to whether boxers or briefs make more sense. I dont really care what makes more sense, when your my age, and you cant control the little...er, well maybe not little...things that happen, you need to make sure that there is room to hide those things. My mom used to buy me briefs until I got old enough to go and get my own stuff at which point I switched to my beloved boxers...and NO, I will NOT wear spiderman/batman/super hero underwear for anyone no matter how much you pay me.

D) My all time favourite movie of all time is, "A Few Good Men". There is nothing better than the exchange between Tom Cruise and Jack Nicholson. Those two have a screen chemistry that electrifies me. Nothing could be better than watching that movie on a rainy weekend.

E) I have big feet...size 12 to be exact and for anyone who says that stupid saying, "You know what they say about guys with big feet", tell them I said its total crap. The only thing guys with big feet have is a big pair of shoes! At least, thats what I think anyway having no scientific proof to back it up.

F) I have a sixth sense. It is true...now I dont see dead people but I do have the ability to tell when someone is trying to sneak up on me. I think it came about when I lost my hearing. Given that I could not hear someone sneaking up on me, I think my body compensated by giving me a sixth sense of sorts. Its creepy sometimes but I love it.

4) Tag Six Random People And Link To Their Blogs

Ok so here you go...six random blogs

Erics Planes
Scary's West
The Chutney Garden
Kinetic World
People Reading
Weighty Matters

5) Tag All The Above with a link back to this blog

DONE!

Scattered Thoughts

2008-03-05T12:22:00.001-08:00

I know it has been a long time since my last post. I am not sure if everyone is still following along or not, I hope you all are. I write this stuff for all of you though some would argue that it is therapy for me.

I have been a little bit of a mess the last little while. My tests show that the tumor is continuing its growth and seems to be very much alive and well. That is not good news for me because it means that I am getting that much closer to leaving all of you. They gave me a 2 year window and by all accounts, they are bang on with the timing so far. I should be freaking out and sad and yet I cant really say I feel anything at this point. I like to say that it is because I am at peace with what is coming but I am starting to get frustrated. I see all the cool things around me, all the cool sounds, the cool new THINGS and I can not believe that I may not get to take it all in like I wanted too. A good friend said it best when he said, “Its not that life is too short, its just that your dead for so long”. I think he is quite right. We are all dead for way too long if you ask me HA-HA!

It also seems my bucket list has caused a few stirs. I don’t know why people just assume that I have slept with someone before. I guess it should be considered a compliment really but I don’t know. I mean, not all guys are hot to jump in bed with anything that moves LOL. I sincerely want to wait for the right person. I am not talking about the mood having to be perfect and the stars perfectly aligned or anything crazy like that. I am talking about the person being right for me, and me feeling like that person is the one. That person has to be willing to accept that this is totally new to me, that I will in all likelihood be completely freaked out and nervous as all heck. If I can find that person I will be doing fine. Until then though I am going to have to continue the course of cold showers and prayers LOL. One thing I will say is that I do NOT intend to die a virgin. I will be damned if I am going to have that on my headstone. So in the interim if you know someone who fits what I am looking for……..Just kidding.

On a more positive note, my speech is getting better. I am still having trouble with the letter C and the letter S but it is coming along. Also, I have been able to slow my over annunciation of certain letters so that I look less like someone who is trying to speak in slow motion HA-HA! If you thought learning to walk was hard as a kid, try learning to speak at my age Tee hee hee.

Alright so here it is, I don’t know what you all want to read, what you want to hear about so I am opening the floor up. What would you like me to talk about? What do you want to know? There is so much I could tell you but I wanna know what interests you.

LiveSTRONG!

Elaine Page Makes A Memory

2008-02-23T07:58:00.000-08:00

I have said it before and I will say it again, Cats and Phantom Of The Opera are hands down my favourite musicals. I really want to see both of them live somehow. Cats more than anything else though. What am I to do about that?

Well I did what any internet Savvy guy would do....I logged on to YouTube and found some video footage. Now, I have always liked the song "Memory" in Cats. There is just something about that song that grabs me and just wont let me go. It was not until I saw Elaine Page perform it though that I realized what real performance of that song looks like.

Elaine is a Diva, plain and simple. Her intonation is amazing, her annunciation is crisp, and the tortured reflective mood she projects with the gravelly aged voice is simply amazing. Half way through the song though we get the exact from another cat...a young and innocent soprano sings acting as the perfect foil to Elaines voice. Truly a mesmerizing opposite to Elaines "old" voice. The circle of life is completed with youth and age being served.

Spellbinding, mesmerizing, and eclectic are the only things I can think to say. For Elaine though it is not just her voice, it is also her movements, her facial expressions. She captures the mood of the song better than anyone else I have seen sing that song.

If your reading this, PLEASE, watch the video. You wont be disappointed.

I can only dream of seeing this woman sing live...but I will keep dreaming

LiveSTRONG!

Derry's Bucket List

2008-02-20T18:16:00.000-08:00

My name is Derry, I have Brain Cancer and this is my bucket list.

I have thought about the top ten things I want to do before I die. I have put a lot of thought into this and I intend to fulfill it. So why am I sharing it? because I am hoping that I will inspire other people to dream big, live bigger, and go out larger than life itself. Here is hoping your wishes and dreams come true

10) See the musical "Cats" live on Broadway
9) Watch the entire series of M*A*S*H in broadcast order
8) Lose my virginity to the one who makes me shine
7) Spend a week in London, England and watch a Manchester United match
6) Learn to play an instrument
5) Backpack through Europe on my own
4) Spend a week in a youth shelter and give love to those who need it most
3) Inspire another human being without speaking a word
2) Watch a sunrise and sunset in Micronesia
1) Do something that makes this world a better place than the way I left it

The video I have chosen for this entry is a shout out to everyone who reads this, who supports me the way they do, who love me the way they do, who call me their friend...My Wish

There is a saying that I repeat to myself from time to time, its more of a motto:

"It's not how many breathes you take in life, but how many moments that take your breathe away"

LiveSTRONG!

Learning To Speak

2008-02-14T12:53:00.000-08:00

Its funny, when you are able to hear you also quickly learn that you have no real idea how to talk. It may seem odd to some, but being able to hear does not translate automatically into being able to speak and speak properly.

When I got my hearing, I began some very intense therapy to learn how to make the sounds I was making into words. I know that must sound odd but its true. All I knew how to do was to make sounds. With some very intensive therapy though, I learned how to make words. I am not perfect at it, and lord knows I am still working on it but I am getting there. I still have problems with the letter S and the letter T. I have a rotten way of slurring those letters so that they sound really off of what they should sound like.

People dont laugh at me or anything but they do try to correct me and that is fine, I need all the help I can get. I guess what I wanted to do in this short entry was talk a little about learning to talk. Next time you go to say something, try to remember how you learned to do that. You were a little child with no record of trying to talk. Now try being my age, self conscious, and fully aware of how bad you sound in front of anyone. It can be a real reality check.

Anyways, In my next entry I am going to talk about the movie, "The Bucket List" and my own personal Bucket List

Stay Tuned!

LiveSTRONG!

Selfish and Selfless

2008-01-30T07:51:00.000-08:00

There has been a lot of talk around whether I would abandon the blog in light of everything that is going on. I want to make it clear that I don’t intend to do that. I am going to stick with this and keep going until I can no longer go.

I want to say up front that I am having really bad days. My mood is not where it needs to be and I am snapping at people for no good reason. I blow up at the stupidest things now and I cant seem to stop it. A trade in my hockey pool gets reversed and I went off the deep end. The response I get back from my counterpart in Detroit is that I am selfish. It hurts, I wont lie. It hurts to be told I am selfish because of a deal that went south and for going off about it. I try very hard to be happy go lucky all the time, I try to be level and even but I find it harder everyday. I am not selfish…I know in my heart of hearts I am not a selfish person. Im hurt, Im sick, and I am tired and it makes me hard to deal with sometimes. It really hurts though to be called selfish after everything I have been through and continue to go through.

Now, the blog. My worst case scenario is that I have 2 years at most to live. I want to use this blog as my memoirs. I want to write about as much of my life as I can. Both past and present. I want to talk about all the things I have seen and done and all the things I am doing. When I die, I want this to be a living memorial. I want it to be my little mark on the world.

I am going to start in the next entry by talking about learning to talk. When you get your hearing you need to learn to talk and that is not as easy as it seems. I will tell you more later though.

For now, I want to say that I am not a selfish person. I am a kind person, warm, caring and genuine. I am a hard working person who tries to be honest and fair whenever I can. I am a strong person who battles through whatever life deals him. I am not selfish and it hurts me more than anyone will ever know to think that someone feels that way about me.

I just don’t want to hurt anymore and if that is selfish, than I am sorry.

LiveSTRONG!

The End Is The Beginning Is The End

2008-01-18T06:33:00.000-08:00

I think it is time that we face a little reality and do a reality check. It has been about 3 weeks since I started this most recent round of therapy. The idea was to focus some radiation right at the tumour on my brain stem and see if we could kill it or at the very least slow it down.

As of yesterday, it was not any smaller and it still appears to be very active. I have been given a choice to continue this for another 3 weeks or stop and hope for the best. The chances of another 3 weeks doing any good are very very slim. The odds of it stopping on its own are just as small.

My parents told me that they would support whatever decision I made and they would stand behind me on it because it is my body and my life. Therefore, I have decided to cease all treatment and make peace with myself and my God. My chances for survival are very slim and I am told that I will probably be lucky to live another 2 years. I dont want those two years to be full of painful tests, treatments, and just feeling like crap.

I know a lot of people would say that I need to do whatever I can to live and that I should keep going. The thing is, I am tired, and fed up with being poked, and proded. I want to live what is left of my life as fully as I can. I know its not the popular choice but it is still my choice to make.

Lets not lose sight of the fact that this COULD stop on its own at which point we could re-start some treatment. I know the odds of that are small but I will keep praying for that.

I am at peace with my choice, I am at peace with my God, and I am ready to live!

To those who read this, I want suggestions, what should I do with what I have left? will you help me make a "bucket list". Things I should do before I kick the bucket. I want this to be a good experience, not a downer.

I leave it to you, the readers of this blog. Tell me what I should go out and do with my life. What should be on my bucket list.

Lastly, pray for me. If your not religious, just think positive for me. I can not thank everyone who reads this enough for the support you have given me.

Thanks to all of you, I can and will....

LiveSTRONG!

The Music Of My Heart

2008-01-11T11:54:00.001-08:00

Something I get asked a lot is, "What kind of music do you like?" Its a fair question since I still very new to music period. I think I listen and look at music a little different then most. Where some people choose a category of music, I choose what I like based on some simple criteria.

1) The sound has to appeal to me. not just on a sound level, but also in terms of the feeling it causes me to experience. I have to feel an emotional connection to what I am hearing. I never thought that music could make me happy, sad, angry, excited any of that stuff. I never experience emotion in that way before. It was a very different experience, feeling something inside me, a sensation, because of a sound I was hearing. I know that prolly seems really weird to read but I can't describe it any other way. It is just something inside me that tells me that the sound is good.

2) The words have to convey a meaning to me. Words are precious to me, and when a songs words are well chosen and crafted they can be as beautiful and moving as the notes on the page creating sound. The voice is an instrument and words are the mechanism in which the voice is played. Again, I know that sounds wild to some people but it is very true. How many times have you heard someone say they regret saying something. Words need to be chosen, savored, and picked with care and consideration. For me, a song can have great sounds but if the lyrics are bad I wont like it.

3) Theme is the last thing that is important to me. A song without a theme or a message is a book without a plot. When I listen to a song I like the sounds and the words to take me on a journey, to a destination. I don't always care where I am going, I just care that I am going somewhere. So many of the songs I have chosen for this blog take you somewhere, not always visually or personally, but sometimes spiritually.

I hope this makes sense to those who read it. I wanted to take some time to put into words what I sometimes have a hard time trying to say in person. I think it will also help you understand why I like the music I do.

My current top choices:

1) Lifehouse -- From Where You Are
2) Ryan Dan -- Like The Sun
3) Pavarotti -- Nessun Dorma
4) Mercy Me -- I Can Only Imagine
5) Sarah McLaughlin -- Ordinary Miracle

I am attaching a song that is very near and dear to my heart. It is called, "From Where You Are" by Lifehouse. When I listen to it, I think about all the people who are battling Cancer and those who have lost that battle. The song can really apply to anyone who has lost someone.

Break out the Kleenex!

LiveSTRONG!

Wear Yellow!

2008-01-10T09:51:00.000-08:00

I am not one who usually gets up on a soap box and starts to get all political but I feel I need to say something about an organization that is near and dear to me right now. If you have not yet figured it out, I am talking about the Lance Armstrong Foundation. If you have never visited their site, you really should. They can be found on the right side of this page under my links of interest or going to www.laf.org

Most of you know the LAF for their signature slogan, “LiveSTRONG” and many of you will have seen or wear the yellow bracelets that show support to those of us fighting cancer and still living strong. If you have no idea what I am talking about I encourage you to go out and have a look at their site.

The LAF is different in a lot of respects. It has a political arm to lobby government, it has materials for survivors and those battling cancer, it has lists of fundraising events and of course it has a store where you can purchase LiveSTRONG stuff. This organization raises reams of money for Cancer and I feel very strongly about what it does and how it goes about doing it.

All I wanted to do today was accomplish two things. I wanted to get you to check out the site if you have not done so in the past and secondly, I want to encourage you to wear a yellow LiveSTRONG bracelet as a show of support. I have a favourite saying that I use on people and it is, “Wear Yellow”. I know it sounds corny but its true, when you wear yellow you send a message to all of us that you care and you support us. I cant tell you how much it gives me a boost when I see someone wearing the bracelet. It just makes me feel warm inside, it makes me feel like people care and it gives me hope.

We live in a world where currency is money, but I live in a world where the only currency that counts is the currency of hope. When I see someone wear yellow, it makes an investment in my bank of hope.

One day I want to be a hope millionaire

LiveSTRONG!

Growing Up

2008-01-08T11:49:00.001-08:00

Ya know its funny, one thing I get asked a lot is, “What was it like growing up when you were younger in your house?” And I ask things like, “Whadya mean?” and they are like, “Did you get in trouble like normal kids do?” and so it begins from there.

I don’t know what the fascination is but some people seem to think that if your deaf, mute, blind, mentally challenged or in some way disabled, that you lead a life where you can get away with murder. I am going to spend some time in this blog telling you that it is not even close to the truth.

I may not have been able to speak or hear when I was younger but that did not stop me from doing the stupid things that kids do. I recall very well the time I was in the basement lighting matches and then putting them out by throwing them in the sink. I thought nobody would know until my mom came downstairs and had this look on her face that told me she was either about to have a coronary or was going to burst. She signed a bunch of things at me in a very angry way and the next thing I knew I was being sent to my room. I knew I was in for some serious hell cuz being sent to my room was usually just a lead up to something worse. Sure enough, 5 minutes or so later my mom walked in. She sat on the edge of my bed and signed to me how worried I made her, that I could have set myself or the house on fire or worse. She signed that I knew better than to play with matches and that I should never do that again. I knew I was in serious crap. The next thing I knew, she grabbed a hold of me and before I could register what was going on, I was over her knee, pants down, and learning life’s lessons the hard way. That’s right folks, just because I was deaf and mute did not mean that I was immune from being spanked. Its funny how people think that I would have been able to get away with murder HAHA

The fun though does not stop there. Just because you cant talk does not mean that your parents cant catch you swearing. I remember very well this one time that I was in some heated argument with my Mom and she was just as wound up as I was. Well, she turned away and so I flipped her the middle finger out of frustration but I was not quite fast enough…she turned around and caught the tail end of it. Well that was not going to go over too well. Before I continue, as you know, when you lose a sense the others tend to be stronger. I am not sure that taste is affected but I can tell you with a straight face, when Mom caught me flipping her the bird, it was a short dragging of me to the bathroom at which point I will never forget the god awful taste that a freshly unwrapped bar of Ivory soap leaves in your mouth. For five or so minutes I sat there well she signed to me about how rude it was to use dirty language. All the while the damn soap was melting in my mouth.

Now, I have to ask you, faithful readers, does it make any sense at all to wash out the mouth of a kid who cant even speak? Does that not seem really dumb to you? My argument later was that she should have washed my hands since it was my “dirty hands” that did all the talking. She did not agree with me but to me it only stands to reason. My mouth had nothing to do with it so why wash it out with soap?

Anyway, I just thought I would share some of the crazy things people have asked me around what happened to me when I was younger. In my next post I will cover some of the other more common questions I get. From there I will try to update you on my most recent round of treatment. Here is a hint, its called radiostatic therapy.

As always, thanks for reading, I hope you continue to enjoy my writing

LiveSTRONG!

Searching For Remission

2008-01-04T08:34:00.000-08:00

re·mis·sion (rĭ-mĭsh'ən) Noun;

The act of remitting.
A condition or period in which something is remitted.
Abatement or subsiding of the symptoms of a disease.
The period during which the symptoms of a disease abate or subside.
Release, as from a debt, penalty, or obligation.
Forgiveness; pardon.

Those of us who suffer with Cancer define this word as victory, to win, to beat an opposing force. I also define it as a miracle. We all search for remission and we all hope to one day be able to live in the grace this state allows.

I spend so much time worrying about this tumour on my brain stem that I don't often think about the Hodgkin's disease that I am very much going to beat. Chemo and medication are helping me win this battle. I am excited to know that I am going to win this one. I sometimes spend so much time posting about the negative that is the tumour that I forget to post all that is so positive about beating Hodgkin's. Those of you who have been reading this blog know what I am talking about.

Lets take some time to look at all the positive things that being diagnosed allows you to have.

First off, your outlook on everything changes. You no longer go through the each day as if you were simply going through the motions. The little things that annoy most people now seem insignificant. What am I talking about you ask? How about this. Your standing in line waiting for your coffee well someone else frantically searches through their wallet/purse/pockets looking for change to pay. Meanwhile your standing there cursing because your running late and your body is having a Caffeine fit. I now stand in line and spend that time looking around the place, I smell the coffee brewing, the fresh donuts and pastry baking, the maniac pace that the other patrons try to keep up running from cashier to car. Its almost like watching things in slow motion.

How about a walk down a snowy street! Ever curse because your neighbours haven't shoveled their walk and your chances of slipping on the ice are now increased? Why not do what I do, look up! If you have not enjoyed the singular beauty of snow covering tree branches or better yet, tall pine tress, your letting some of the most beautiful natural creations slip right past you. Maybe you should also consider just stopping and listening to the sound of nothing. You know, dead silence. In our rush to do everything we are so bombarded with noise that we miss the sounds of the simplest things. Sounds like snow crunching under your shoe...try it, it sounds amazing like a bowl of rice krispies gone haywire LOL. If that is not your thing, try watching a winter squirrel digging through the snow for buried treasure. The winter squirrels are now quite fat and its funny to watch them run around looking for even more, completely oblivious to all the distractions.

I guess what I am saying is that despite all that is so very wrong with that I am dealing with, in a strange somewhat crazy way, there is also a lot of good. I stop and enjoy my surroundings a lot more. I use to think that the gift of hearing was the ultimate prize that life could have handed me. I was wrong, the greatest gift in life is time. Time to stop and smell the roses, time to stop and watch, time to just stop,

Turn off your computer, put on your coat and go and just jump in the snow, listen to it crunch, smell the clean crisp air, and watch a winter squirrel for me.

Remission may be the abatement of symptoms, but it is also defined as a release. Put your hustle, bustle and crazy life into remission for just one day. I promise you will never see the world the same way again.

LiveSTRONG!

I Can Only Imagine

2008-01-03T16:02:00.000-08:00

The holiday season seems to have come and gone faster than I remember from previous years. Maybe it was the excitement of the whole thing that simply stole time from me and left me staring blankly at January 2nd. It never stops amazing me just how quickly time goes by. One minute your opening gifts and laughing with family and the next your watching the new year roll in.

So what did I do over Christmas? Well, I ate too much baking, had too much to drink, ate far too much turkey and ham and completely lost track of all the people we saw. In general it was amazing! Our table was full of great food. From my aunts sweet potatoes to my mom’s ham and turkey dinner, to my cousins crazy good mincemeat tarts and Christmas pudding! It was all so good. I got all kinds of cool stuff including an iPod touch! That thing is amazing, now I can watch and listen to music, videos and even movies all in the palm of my hand LOL.

We sat around on Christmas eve and talked, laughed, hugged, and told silly stories about past Christmas mayhem. Then the most magical moment of the whole night for me. My Dad sat down in his recliner and pulled out “Twas the Night Before Christmas” and for the very first time, he read it to me. He didn’t have to sign it, he had so much emotion, he made voices and told the story with suspense. I thought it was amazing. I had never heard the story before and to hear it the way he told it was amazing. From there we did our best to sing Christmas carols even though none of us can really sing LOL.

It was just great. On the evening of the 25th I went and found my homeless friend. I brought him a plate of Christmas dinner, it was wrapped in foil but I am sure it was probably kinda cold when he got it but it was amazing. He was shocked when I walked up to him. I guess he thought I would not bother to show up but there I was with dinner in hand. I sat with him for an hour and we talked about all kinds of stuff. He said I was his Santa and wished me best of luck with my Cancer. I wont forget to see him again soon when I can.

So here we are, first week of January and I am just back from the hospital with another round of Chemo. I feel like dirt, wanna barf really bad and we are not even sure that any of this is going to work. This is not my last Christmas, not by a mile but if this does not work I may only have 2 to 3 left. I would like to think they will all be as good as this one. I am at peace with my situation though and I am not going to let it worry me anymore. I am at peace with my God and the hand I have been dealt. I have been introduced to another song that I am absolutely in love with. It comes from a friend of mine who I met at Chemo. It is by a group called Mercy Me and it is called, “I Can Only Imagine”. Over Christmas I found that it does not matter how much money you have, how many things you get or how many people send you cards. What I learned is that the measure of a man is not in his length of life, but instead, in his depth of life.

What is my depth of life? I can only imagine!

Livestrong!

First Sounds

A Special Dedication In Memoriam to Derry Newbury

Derry Newbury -- 1988 - 2009 R.I.P

A Special Message From My Hero...Lance Armstrong!

Trick or Tweet

This Weeks Sign The Apocalypse Is Upon Us (1)

I Am Who I Am

Those Songs That Make You....

Take It From The Top

Welcome Home My Old Friend

We Will Remember Them!

This One's For You Caleb!

Through Caleb's Eyes

Think Of Me, Think Of Me Fondly!

In My Heart You Remain

A Song For Momma

Spotlight: Zach's Rap Writing Part 1

Fly Like The Eagles

100th Anniversary Entry

One Night Stand's

Thank You Cancer

Finding The Phantom...Again

Let Me Introduce You To My Book

***Dark Shadows Of The Heart -- Chapter 1***

Where's Derry?

No Air...No Air!

Toronto Pride 2008

Who Am I?

The Rules As I Know Them

The Courage Of My Convictions

The First Fight

The Return To Innocence

In This Moment

Getting My Bearings

Learning To Live Again

Homecoming

Welcome Home Derry!

Derry Recovery Update 5

Derry Recovery Update 4

Derry Recovery Update 3

Derry Recovery Update 2

Derry Recovery Update 1

We Don't Say Goodbye

The Boy Makes Me Laugh, What Can I Say

Life Before Cancer, Part 7

Something Random

Life Before Cancer, Part 6

Walk With Me, Talk With Me!

Life Before Cancer, Part 5

Life Before Cancer, Part 4

Life Before Cancer, Part 3

****UPDATE****

The Courage To Keep Fighting!

Life Before Cancer, Part 2

Life Before Cancer, Part 1

A Day Of First's

What's In A Derry?

The 19 Year Old Virgin

Chemo Is The Gift That Keeps On Giving

Meet Zach

What Is It We Do?

Will You Take A Stand?

A New Start

Praying For Time

Welcome Home Caleb

I Am The Lucky One

This Is All I Ever Wanted

This Feels Like Home To Me

Homecoming

Rap It Up

Leading With My Heart

Welcome To My Soul

A Day In The Life Of A Chemo Patient

Falling On Deaf Ears

The Choices We Make

Dear Mom & Dad

Life Is Like A Box Of Chocolates!

Lights, Camera, Action!

This, That, And The Other Thing

The Long And Winding Road

Dark Shadows Of The Heart -- Chapter 1

UPDATE